I just went through 3 weeks of hell and Im so fucking happy right now. You see, I get methadone prescribed to me, but use my month supply in about a week to a week and a half. After 3 weeks of waiting and feeling like utter shit, I took a handful and feel wonderful once again. God, and I know its gonna end up the same way. Fuck it, its worth it now.
Amen. I know how that feels. I fucking HATE methadone. A while back I started hitting some financial issues... and of course instead of just cutting out the opiates(so stupid.. I probably could have gotten away with no WDs or a week at most) I realized that due to local prices I could afford to run maintinence with methadone. I wasn't getting my methadone from a clinic, and they were 10 mg pills(I also used to get those 40mg waffers... which I guess they don't distribute anymore due to ODs?). So at first, I would get high off them enough to satisfy my desire, just eating 10 mg a day. I had taken them before, but never with consistency. So I did that for about a month or so... and oh my god what a mistake that was!
My tolerance rose with incredible velocity. After about a month or so I would eat 50 mg and though my WD's would subside I just could not get high. If I took more I would get a headache with bad nausea, which to me said OD was near, back off. So fine... I still couldn't afford to maintain myself on anything else because I needed at least 60mg of oxycodone to even be close to satisfaction, and that was above my budget... I decided to just deal with the mental shit and continue taking the methadone to keep myself away from feeling like shit.
Guess what? That didn't work either.
Wouldn't you just know it, my desire to get high won! I started snorting them... sometimes 3 in a row, when I had only bought enough to eat one every day to keep the physical WDs at bay. So I ran out. Now at this point I really hated methadone. Stupid bitch doesn't get me high, ramps my tolerance way up there, and causes the worst WD's I've experienced to date. Not to mention the knowledge that each time I snorted them I was just asking for an aneurysm.
Now everyone is different, but I'll tell you what I did, and so far it's worked for me. I said fuck this. I'm going to be in WD's no matter what, but what bothers me more is of course not being high! So after two weeks of brutal(to me) WDs I got some spare cash together and I bought myself 2 80mg oxys, and I blasted myself into the stratosphere. Now of course I didn't just snort them both at once. I wasn't attempting suicide(I hadn't done that much before). I snorted 1 all at once(a dose I was comfortable and experienced with) and worked my way though the next one throughout the night. But the point is I got as high as I dared go. And that was that... for another two weeks. Then I did it again. And the whole time I was thinking I should just get some methadone I thought about what a waste it would be and how much happier I would be once I got a hold of something I actually enjoyed. So in a way my junkie desires kept me off methadone.
I'm week 7 free from methadone, and those holier than thou NA dweebs would say "but you're still using..." and I'd say "Well yeah... but at least it ain't methadone." It seems a lot of people see everything as black and white. Sober and clean. Maybe that works for you. I live in the gray area. I think about what /I/ see as the whole picture.
Now of course even I would have to agree that using one drug as a crutch to get off another won't help you get sober... but shit... it might help you get off that one drug that was bothering you. If you want completely clean sobriety then cold turkey is the way to go, but if you just wanna kick the methadone because it's causing the same amount of damage without even getting you high... well then maybe this method could help. Of course I went with a crazy envelope pushing dose, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone who doesn't do that anyways, but that's not necessary. The idea is to grunt out the shitty pain of the methadone WDs for the sweet reward of something worth while.
Today is day 43 without taking a single micro gram of methadone. Without even holding one in my hand. It's funny how I'm still using and yet that feels like such a victory to me. In that 43 day span I have only gotten high about 4 times, which for me means 4 seperate nights of bliss surrounded by the pits of hell. I also learned that snorting oxymorphone thinking it's going to act like a 2x power oxycodone(20mg oxymorphone as 40 mg oxycodone) could be a dangerous thing to do. I read that somewhere... but I'll tell you from experience. It may feel like that on lower doses(say 20 mg oxymorphone feels like 40 mg oxycodone), but whereas I can take 230 mg of oxycodone within 12 hours and be cool, just 60 mg of oxymorphone had me puking everytime I stood up(all of this was insufflated). Now I love puking as much as the next idiot, but god damn.
In hind sight it was worth it. Each time I come down off my little splurge of joy my withdrawls have decreased in intensity. I heard that methadone gets in your bones. I havn't researched to confirm that, but my bones definitely don't ache anywhere near where they did when I was up and down on methadone. I could have avoided all those weeks of pain by just staying on methadone... but those 4 nights of actually being high were more than worth it. And being able to JUST SAY NO to methadone feels as wonderful as being completely clean(to me).
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
