whiteroom67
Bluelighter
It sure has for me... loneliness and lack of success contributes to a lowering of self-esteem which definitely contributed to my opiate use.
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Has Your Lack of Success with the Opposite Sex Contributed to Your Drug Use/Addiction
- Thread starter whiteroom67
- Start date
granddeception2
Ex-Bluelighter
Yes it has
llama112
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 4,468
No, not all drug users are unsuccessful in relationships or sexually. I have an amazing boyfriend and I am often hit on in clubs, on the street, whatever. I don't think it's just because of the drugs.
However, if you are irresponsible with them, maybe. Do they make you look super sketched out and weird? If so, maybe that's a reason people don't seem to be attracted to you. Do you skip out on work, school, events, etc. because you're using drugs? That could be a reason.
I have found many people who say they are unsuccessful with the opposite sex don't actually ask out females/males and just expect to always be hit on. That's not the case. If you haven't actually initiated anything, you can't say you're unsuccessful, because you haven't even tried. (that's an IF, not saying that's what the OP is doing)
However, if you are irresponsible with them, maybe. Do they make you look super sketched out and weird? If so, maybe that's a reason people don't seem to be attracted to you. Do you skip out on work, school, events, etc. because you're using drugs? That could be a reason.
I have found many people who say they are unsuccessful with the opposite sex don't actually ask out females/males and just expect to always be hit on. That's not the case. If you haven't actually initiated anything, you can't say you're unsuccessful, because you haven't even tried. (that's an IF, not saying that's what the OP is doing)
pofacedhoe
Bluelight Crew
hash held my first relationship together through amazing sex in spite of its going nowhere reality
when you are spun out on drugs no-one but a drug user will want you in a relationship.
but using drugs more out of loneliness smacks of addict not recreational.
when you are spun out on drugs no-one but a drug user will want you in a relationship.
but using drugs more out of loneliness smacks of addict not recreational.
whiteroom67
Bluelighter
I'd say I'm pretty successful professionally by American standards... thanks for assuming I'm not because I use drugs though. I hold a pretty respectable supervisory position in municipal government. My dad would always tell me "don't worry, when you get the job and the money, they will come". Bullshit.
And I never started using or got addicted to hard drugs until years after already trying with the opposite sex (mid-college). And yes I would try/initiate/whatever you want to call it and not just sit back and wait. Part of the problem is I would always be so nervous though and could never really hold a fun, flirtatious conversation with a cold approach. I was always too shy I guess and trying was/still is almost like torture for me. Hence my eventual using of drugs to compensate for that. I even signed up for a $1500 seminar on how to attract and converse with women once. What they taught made sense, but for me it still didn't work. I still have their book and DVD's. It was based off of that book "The Game" and run by Mystery and Matador and all them shits lol. But the girls just always seemed to stop responding at some point.
Not to mention everyone who I've ever told that I use drugs, guys or girls, said they could never tell and were always surprised when I told them, so I never looked "cracked out" or anything. I'm more of a low-moderate dose person anyway.
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whiteroom67
Bluelighter
I have had a couple of girlfriends, one was a lot older, an ex-coworker, and a bad idea, she came onto me. Like pofacedho said, it was mianly the sex that kept it together for as long as it did (about 5 months). And the other was in Morocco when I was living abroad for a few months. I have found whenever I've traveled abroad, talking to and going out and succeeding with women was always much easier.
As a matter of fact, a decent amount of women do seem to be attracted to me at first, I've been told in the past that at least part of my problem is that I'm too nice.
As a matter of fact, a decent amount of women do seem to be attracted to me at first, I've been told in the past that at least part of my problem is that I'm too nice.
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Your dad came off there like a bit of a cunt aye... what kind of advice is that.
Don't go buying into seminars mate.. in my opinion attraction is based a lot on a certain vibe people of, more than anything else.
You say you are much more successful when traveling, I can kinda get where you are coming from, like you feel it just flows more naturally yea, things just happen?
It's probably because you are happy, enjoying yourself having the time of your life, hanging around hostels with nice people and all, living that traveling life that puts you in such a permanently high vibe and people around you can feel it too, so more people are attracted to you and relationships and flings just kinda happen naturally
you need to find this in your day to day life, this high vibe that's not from any drug use, it will make you a lot more attractive and help you out for sure, just like when you are backpacking around
Me, myself, I wouldn't say i've ever had any lack of success.. Im no don juan but on the other hand attracting nice girls that i'm attracted to was never a problem. I mean, sometimes it was a problem alright, but you gotta push through those bad periods and make it happen. I wouldn't say drug use has ever interfered with that, neither for any of my friends... if anything there's a lot of girls who are interested\also use and that can bring people together too
Don't go buying into seminars mate.. in my opinion attraction is based a lot on a certain vibe people of, more than anything else.
You say you are much more successful when traveling, I can kinda get where you are coming from, like you feel it just flows more naturally yea, things just happen?
It's probably because you are happy, enjoying yourself having the time of your life, hanging around hostels with nice people and all, living that traveling life that puts you in such a permanently high vibe and people around you can feel it too, so more people are attracted to you and relationships and flings just kinda happen naturally
you need to find this in your day to day life, this high vibe that's not from any drug use, it will make you a lot more attractive and help you out for sure, just like when you are backpacking around
Me, myself, I wouldn't say i've ever had any lack of success.. Im no don juan but on the other hand attracting nice girls that i'm attracted to was never a problem. I mean, sometimes it was a problem alright, but you gotta push through those bad periods and make it happen. I wouldn't say drug use has ever interfered with that, neither for any of my friends... if anything there's a lot of girls who are interested\also use and that can bring people together too
whiteroom67
Bluelighter
Yeah my dad was never the best... dad. lol. I guess this is yet another thing that contributed to my drug use. He's a good person, just never knew how to be a good dad. He even admitted it to me himself a couple of times just recently. He was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's so I think he's looking for some peace for all the shit he put me through growing up... he never really physically abused me, but just was never supportive of anything I ever did or who I was as a person in general. He's finally admitted it.... I guess given his new condition.
And yeah you're exactly right about the traveling thing, about why it probably works better. Even then I'm apprehensive, but it still just works better. Part of it being knowing that even if I fuck up and do something stupid I can just move on to the next locale and shit won't matter anyway. It won't be restricted to the same 3 towns where everybody seems to know somebody who knows somebody. That's why I'm planning on probably leaving (unless things really just improve)... quitting my job and joining the peace corps within the next year or two... and then just traveling, teaching English, working in hostels, until I just feel too old physically to do it anymore. I'm just happier when on the road. All of my good friends are gone somewhere else far away (whether it also be the peace corps, military, just traveling, or just have moved to another state), so I really don't have anyone here except my little brother who will be going off to college soon, and my parents who are well, my parents lol. And my job, while "good" isn't really satisfying to me, especially me being libertarian and having to make my boss and council people happy by enforcing codes and laws and taxes and fees on people all day, despite the decent salary/security/pension/etc. So it's hard for me to find that good vibe in my day to day life here. At least right now.
whiteroom67 - I'll try to offer some advice. I'm pretty much going by this thread and I'm not holding back, so some may not perfectly fit you.
Using drugs or opiates "because of" a justification (love life, family, work, stress, etc...) is a really bad idea. It happens, but it is something you should fight IMO. "Recreation" is one thing... and even recreation is kind of a release from the above troubles, but a "crutch" is something different. That is something that has to be addressed in any serious life-change.
2. - and this goes w/ the first one - drugs like opiates change your thinking and make certain justifications and rationalizations sound OK, when they are really negative.
3. - It sounds like you could use another ice-breaker with women. Something fun and short term, where you go into it with the attitude that you do not want a long-term relationship and will not be stressing about it ending.
4. - You need to learn how to wield your power and status a little bit. If you have a decent job here in the US, you should have no problem dating and having a sex-life with moderately attractive American women. It may not be the foundation you want for a long-term relationship with your soul mate, but you need to examine what is holding you back from wielding your power and status. In college itself, it's almost like high school in a lot of ways. It's a popularity/social thing. In the real world a lot of single girls work a job, they don't have daddy's money, they aren't going to ever realistically be able to afford things like a house and a new car, and believe it or not - they'd date you and at least give you a chance before the baseball player from high school who is now stocking shelves at Walmart.
5. - Address the issues that you have about your father. Sure, he's the male role model etc..., but you seem to be placing a lot of weight on your father's role in your current life.
Using drugs or opiates "because of" a justification (love life, family, work, stress, etc...) is a really bad idea. It happens, but it is something you should fight IMO. "Recreation" is one thing... and even recreation is kind of a release from the above troubles, but a "crutch" is something different. That is something that has to be addressed in any serious life-change.
2. - and this goes w/ the first one - drugs like opiates change your thinking and make certain justifications and rationalizations sound OK, when they are really negative.
3. - It sounds like you could use another ice-breaker with women. Something fun and short term, where you go into it with the attitude that you do not want a long-term relationship and will not be stressing about it ending.
4. - You need to learn how to wield your power and status a little bit. If you have a decent job here in the US, you should have no problem dating and having a sex-life with moderately attractive American women. It may not be the foundation you want for a long-term relationship with your soul mate, but you need to examine what is holding you back from wielding your power and status. In college itself, it's almost like high school in a lot of ways. It's a popularity/social thing. In the real world a lot of single girls work a job, they don't have daddy's money, they aren't going to ever realistically be able to afford things like a house and a new car, and believe it or not - they'd date you and at least give you a chance before the baseball player from high school who is now stocking shelves at Walmart.
5. - Address the issues that you have about your father. Sure, he's the male role model etc..., but you seem to be placing a lot of weight on your father's role in your current life.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2005
- Messages
- 8,180
Other way round for me.
Drug addled out of shape moron.....thin pickings
In shape fit, healthy and confident....more than enough to keep me happy.
Drug addled out of shape moron.....thin pickings
In shape fit, healthy and confident....more than enough to keep me happy.
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
I never had any troubles meeting women when while on drugs. When I get clean/sober, I become a "really nice guy" and end up with a ton of female friends, but no sex. It's just how I am naturally I suppose. I have justified relapses before because I knew that if I started to party again, I'd end up with new women.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2005
- Messages
- 8,180
You don't need drugs to make you an areshole
whiteroom67
Bluelighter
Lol I see both your points and can def relate to both.
swampdragon
Bluelighter
Nope, no correlation for me, really..
It's contributed to my drug use to a degree, but it all stems from my anxiety. I get far too nervous to ever initiate with a female so that seriously limits my opportunities. That in turn makes me feel bad about myself because I like to think that while I'm not exactly the best looking guy, I'm fairly smart, responsible, nice and once I get to know someone, very honest as well, but obviously none of that is helpful when I don't really meet anyone and the thought of asking a girl out is completely horrifying to me.
Opiates help my anxiety, but also then take over my life, leaving little time for anything else. Bit of a catch-22.
Opiates help my anxiety, but also then take over my life, leaving little time for anything else. Bit of a catch-22.
whiteroom67
Bluelighter
Yeah with or without opiates, for me it's like I will approach a certain amount of women depending on how comfortable I am with the situation/environment. Some are easy to talk to, and with others it just feels ridiculously awkward. So out of that there will be quite a few times that I will be able close with numbers... and so then we will text for awhile, but generally then they will always seem to make excuses not to meet up and go out... and if we actually do miraculously agree to meet, they will usually flake out last minute. I have about a 1% success rate with dates. Out of those, maybe 10% go smoothly. But figure out the numbers when you consider I'm a guy living in a mid-size suburban area who has had most of his friends leave with not many people to go out with, and options/success are/is very limited. Any AA/NA member or anyone who's been through rehab will tell you the common triggers: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. This futile effort with women for an INFP like me (introverted, intuitive, feeler, perceiver - look up Myers-Briggs if you don't know what this means... www.16personalities.com or www.personalitypage.com) ...results in 3 out of those 4 of those trigger symptoms. After so much time and unsuccessful effort, my subconscious just tells me, enough is enough. And then eventually... I just use/relapse, even after long periods of abstinence - bc of that, plus additional things.
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Sounds a lot like me. I started using shortly after a failed long term relationship. Girl cheated constantly and I finally said enough is enough.
I got clean a couple years ago, but then I started dating an old friend. I thought it would be great not having to go through the initial phase of learning who they are and them learning about my past since she was already aware. That being something that causes me great anxiety, worrying about what the other person will think of me when I tell them I was(and now am again) a heroin addict. Unfortunately dating her was an unmitigated disaster that resulted in me losing my job, being kicked out of my house and her getting arrested for dv. This was definitely a huge letdown and feeling a bit hopeless, I started using again.
As you said, it's tiring to try so hard and have nothing to show for it. Makes you feel like there's something wrong with you that negates all the positive qualities you see in yourself.
I got clean a couple years ago, but then I started dating an old friend. I thought it would be great not having to go through the initial phase of learning who they are and them learning about my past since she was already aware. That being something that causes me great anxiety, worrying about what the other person will think of me when I tell them I was(and now am again) a heroin addict. Unfortunately dating her was an unmitigated disaster that resulted in me losing my job, being kicked out of my house and her getting arrested for dv. This was definitely a huge letdown and feeling a bit hopeless, I started using again.
As you said, it's tiring to try so hard and have nothing to show for it. Makes you feel like there's something wrong with you that negates all the positive qualities you see in yourself.
aminophilous
Bluelighter
Actually my past use of MDMA has helped me quite a bit in that area. Now, it's true that some girls won't go anywhere near me because of my druggie status, but there are also others that have liked me precisely because of it, or at least despite of it. As for the other drugs, yeah I don't think they've helped me get more girls.
But after a very bad breakup with a girl I really really loved and who cheated on me, I developed a problem with alcohol. I haven't been drinking for two years now and I'm really glad I managed to quit because I was pathetic for a while.
But after a very bad breakup with a girl I really really loved and who cheated on me, I developed a problem with alcohol. I haven't been drinking for two years now and I'm really glad I managed to quit because I was pathetic for a while.