ABetterWay
Bluelighter
Yay, success! 
Xo
Xo
-
OD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic
H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!
- Thread starter ABetterWay
- Start date
Sasha88
Bluelighter
Hey ABW
im so sorry you have that anniversary coming up. My heart is with you.
My best friend killed her self when I was 17. It's a long story but I still cry over it to this day... the anniversary always hurts my heart so much. I'm really sensitive to suicide stuff , her death profoundly impacted me in ways I just can't seem to ever get over. I'm sure some of it was her folks didn't allow any of her friends to attend the funeral to say goodbye (I think they were embarrassed and wanted to keep it a secret or something) and that was extraordinarily painful. Her brother OD'd the ne t year almost to the day. One day I was visiting the grave and her brother was buried there too. Crazy ... even now talking about it hurts... makes me want to get high. But I know it's good to talk about... especially with others who understand this very particular kind of grief.
Anyway-- ABW---Stay strong tomorrow... I know you'll be on day 3, which will make it all feel so much more intense, if that's possible.... so know that we've all got your back if you need some extra support tomorrow. We're all here for you ok? You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow, hon. You can always pm me if you need to get something about that off your chest.
much love
sasha
im so sorry you have that anniversary coming up. My heart is with you.
My best friend killed her self when I was 17. It's a long story but I still cry over it to this day... the anniversary always hurts my heart so much. I'm really sensitive to suicide stuff , her death profoundly impacted me in ways I just can't seem to ever get over. I'm sure some of it was her folks didn't allow any of her friends to attend the funeral to say goodbye (I think they were embarrassed and wanted to keep it a secret or something) and that was extraordinarily painful. Her brother OD'd the ne t year almost to the day. One day I was visiting the grave and her brother was buried there too. Crazy ... even now talking about it hurts... makes me want to get high. But I know it's good to talk about... especially with others who understand this very particular kind of grief.
Anyway-- ABW---Stay strong tomorrow... I know you'll be on day 3, which will make it all feel so much more intense, if that's possible.... so know that we've all got your back if you need some extra support tomorrow. We're all here for you ok? You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow, hon. You can always pm me if you need to get something about that off your chest.
much love
sasha
stillkickin
Bluelighter
Just stopping in to say hello to everyone in the trenches. Sorry to see the thread got a little rocky. I think the writing was on the wall there though. We've got to remember where we're at. This is an amazing forum, but this thread had a purpose, and it's important to remember what that purpose is. It's so easy to make a separate thread if where you're at doesn't quite align with where ABW's is at. Much love to everyone fighting the good fight! I certainly know first hand how difficult making changes can be.
-SK
-SK
keeping
Bluelight Crew
hope everyone's feeling good today, better or worse, sober or not.
love love
love love
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
Man, I'm wiped out from a couple errands. I'm going to lay down. Got my ex heavily on my mind. It hurts so much. My God, my baby 
Sasha, I'm so sorry you know the feeling. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I lost someone else this same way 5 years ago, too, and I had such nightmares of looking for them, calling their name, never finding them. I know it's traumatic.
***
Hey SK, good to see you around I hope your evening is a peaceful and relaxing one. You deserve some rest and relaxation, I know you've been fighting hard, hon.
***
Thanks for the kind sentiments, keeping, it is much appreciated
I hope everyone has a wonderful night filed with good things. You are all such incredible, strong, compassionate, wonderful people and I'm so grateful you are here
Be kind to yourself.
Xoxox
Sasha, I'm so sorry you know the feeling. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I lost someone else this same way 5 years ago, too, and I had such nightmares of looking for them, calling their name, never finding them. I know it's traumatic.
***
Hey SK, good to see you around
I hope your evening is a peaceful and relaxing one. You deserve some rest and relaxation, I know you've been fighting hard, hon.***
Thanks for the kind sentiments, keeping, it is much appreciated
I hope everyone has a wonderful night filed with good things. You are all such incredible, strong, compassionate, wonderful people and I'm so grateful you are here
Be kind to yourself.
Xoxox
Jekyl Anhydride
Bluelight Crew
Hey ABW,
Thanks for the nice pm. I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible being the anniversary of the passing of someone dear to you. In my experience, being in W/D seems to make it hurt that much more. On a more positive note, keeping his memory alive is a testament to the kind of person he must have been. Be Well and hang in there Hun
To the other members of this thread:
I'm sorry to have been instrumental in the "unpleasantness" of this thread over the past 24 hours. If anybody would rather I did not post in here any longer, please PM me and I will abide by your wishes without protest. Otherwise I will tread lightly and keep all of my contributions positive. Thanks, JA
Thanks for the nice pm. I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible being the anniversary of the passing of someone dear to you. In my experience, being in W/D seems to make it hurt that much more. On a more positive note, keeping his memory alive is a testament to the kind of person he must have been. Be Well and hang in there Hun
To the other members of this thread:
I'm sorry to have been instrumental in the "unpleasantness" of this thread over the past 24 hours. If anybody would rather I did not post in here any longer, please PM me and I will abide by your wishes without protest. Otherwise I will tread lightly and keep all of my contributions positive. Thanks, JA
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
^^No no no! I don't think anyone doesn't want you posting here. Certainly I don't feel that way.
As far as positivity, this will be a good chance for me to hopefully clear things up on that front:
This thread is about people quitting and tapering or stretching a script to last, etc, of opiates. The process is a NIGHTMARE, which may be the understatement of the century lol. Physically,mentally, emotionally, even tapering is hell in those ways. If only when withdrawing the acute part were itaand them bam! back to normal and feeling good. But that's not the case. This process can be soul crushing at times. There's no need to gloss over negative aspects just for tree sake off being positive all the time.
Yes, the purpose here is to uplift each other in our struggles. However, this thread would be fake as hell if nothing negative were touched on
Furthermore, when others here are struggling badly, to the point that they are lost in their despair and unsafe practices, or detrimental emotional states begin to take over dangerously, it's not negative to reach out with experience, suggestions, questions theycanreflect on, etc.That's a painful but real part of the struggle at times..
So please, no worries
Xo
As far as positivity, this will be a good chance for me to hopefully clear things up on that front:
This thread is about people quitting and tapering or stretching a script to last, etc, of opiates. The process is a NIGHTMARE, which may be the understatement of the century lol. Physically,mentally, emotionally, even tapering is hell in those ways. If only when withdrawing the acute part were itaand them bam! back to normal and feeling good. But that's not the case. This process can be soul crushing at times. There's no need to gloss over negative aspects just for tree sake off being positive all the time.
Yes, the purpose here is to uplift each other in our struggles. However, this thread would be fake as hell if nothing negative were touched on
Furthermore, when others here are struggling badly, to the point that they are lost in their despair and unsafe practices, or detrimental emotional states begin to take over dangerously, it's not negative to reach out with experience, suggestions, questions theycanreflect on, etc.That's a painful but real part of the struggle at times..
So please, no worries
Xo
Last edited:
keeping
Bluelight Crew
just realised ive blown through three grams of heroin and about a half of crack this weekend D:
jesus christ fist my nan////
jesus christ fist my nan////
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
^^^oooh well at least you've paused and taken inventory of the situation before it got worse.
I know recently you were dabbling but not enough to experience withdrawals of I remember right.
It's that still the case, or no? We got your back if you've gotten back to that point. I'm on day 3
Xo
I know recently you were dabbling but not enough to experience withdrawals of I remember right.
It's that still the case, or no? We got your back if you've gotten back to that point. I'm on day 3
Xo
keeping
Bluelight Crew
hopefully i'm just under the four day limit but i might have been somewhat reckless... its 50/50 right now. but appreciate the support guys
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
If you can, maybe go grab some loperamide at least just to be on the safe side. Good luck and keep us updated
Xo
Xo
keeping
Bluelight Crew
luckily for me i have about 20 strips of 2mg subutex, 7 pills a strip! ;P
Sasha88
Bluelighter
"Fist my nan!" Ahhh haha! That's the best expression ever!! Ok but for real- Im sorry that happened Keeping...I'm glad u have subs. Those should help a lot. Lucky dog.
does anything help if you are in w/d from crack? ? I've only done that once...
So Keeping's post made me think- what's the damage did I do this weekend? well it's Sunday morning.. I've just woken up....and this weekend so far I've blown through about 400mg of oxy. Damn it.
I gotta get this shit under control to some degree. I just got a new, really big and awesome job and can't be in withdrawal 2 weeks outta the month. It starts at the end of the month. I gotta tell my boss tomorrow.
Anyway---
I gotta really save up for the fucking dope man. Good think I don't want to go on vacation.
Fuck me.
anyway - hi to all! Glad to see you guys here!
does anything help if you are in w/d from crack? ? I've only done that once...
So Keeping's post made me think- what's the damage did I do this weekend? well it's Sunday morning.. I've just woken up....and this weekend so far I've blown through about 400mg of oxy. Damn it.
I gotta get this shit under control to some degree. I just got a new, really big and awesome job and can't be in withdrawal 2 weeks outta the month. It starts at the end of the month. I gotta tell my boss tomorrow.
Anyway---
I gotta really save up for the fucking dope man. Good think I don't want to go on vacation.
Fuck me.
anyway - hi to all! Glad to see you guys here!
Sasha88
Bluelighter
ABW- thank you for your words of support.
im thinking of you today. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope your hubster goes and drinks in the basement and you can have a quiet day to do as you please. I know how hard it is and I'm here in you need anything.
(((hugs)))
sasha
im thinking of you today. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope your hubster goes and drinks in the basement and you can have a quiet day to do as you please. I know how hard it is and I'm here in you need anything.
(((hugs)))
sasha
keeping
Bluelight Crew
"Fist my nan!" Ahhh haha! That's the best expression ever!! Ok but for real- Im sorry that happened Keeping...I'm glad u have subs. Those should help a lot. Lucky dog.
does anything help if you are in w/d from crack? ? I've only done that once...
So Keeping's post made me think- what's the damage did I do this weekend? well it's Sunday morning.. I've just woken up....and this weekend so far I've blown through about 400mg of oxy. Damn it.
ahaha, feel free to use it at corporate gatherings and family reunions!
i just saved all those subs up from when i had take homes but just did b instead, and there's no substitute for coke cause its not so much a physical wd like an opiate its mainly an admittedly incredibly strong psychological hold that crack has on the user.
im in the same sort of boat as you hun haha, welcome to the sunday club 8)
Sasha88
Bluelighter
Ha! Oh I'm using that at work the next chance I get!
Thank you for starting my day off right!
I should see uf my "person" carries subs.... depending on length of time in your system, I could do them a bit when I'm in w/d and clear my system for my doc appt... I know we can't talk about drug testing, but you get my drift.
yeah I love myself some powdered coke- those psychological withdrawals are no fun either. Man, wgen someone gonna make us a great drug with no withdrawal! ��
That would be an amazing nightmare.
Yup- we should have a Sunday check in! With whatvour weekend goal was... and then the reality. Not sure if it would be inspiring or depressing.
��
Thank you for starting my day off right!
I should see uf my "person" carries subs.... depending on length of time in your system, I could do them a bit when I'm in w/d and clear my system for my doc appt... I know we can't talk about drug testing, but you get my drift.
yeah I love myself some powdered coke- those psychological withdrawals are no fun either. Man, wgen someone gonna make us a great drug with no withdrawal! ��
That would be an amazing nightmare.
Yup- we should have a Sunday check in! With whatvour weekend goal was... and then the reality. Not sure if it would be inspiring or depressing.
��
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
^^ heh that fist my nan made me laugh out Loud, too.
Not sure why I neglected to include that lol
*******
Sasha, congratulations on the new job!!!!
As far as getting things under better control, is there ANYONE, a good friend, someone, even a time locked safe (which, while not completely non-abusable, may be just enough to get you into a routine long enough to get used to it...), someone who can hold onto the rest while you keep a day or 2 or 3 or whatever's worth of meds, making it easier? I know the more full my bottle was, the easier it was to "just take what I want to be productive today" and I'd tell myself I'd chill out after that...yeah. No. Lol. The newer my script, the easier out was to tell myself I had plenty for the future.... Until I didn't!
I soooo feel for you because I used to do that same thing and it gets so tiring.
Perhaps it's time to consider another way, or adding in another element such as a time locked safe. I find, when using any opiate really, while its easy to get too taking more than I want, after maybe a week of a more controlled, lesser dose/less frequent dose, it starts to get pretty easy to adjust and get used to that amount as my new normal routine
Depending on where you are at, you caneitherhave a v ery uncomfortable first week as your body adjusts ty a much lower dose, or if you are able to (if you have enough or can get enough more) you can slowly cut back over a few weeks until your body has adjusted, not going too fast so that you have minimal wd.
I know that you will excel in your new job and that will bring you pride and joy;iI'm praying for you that you find a way that works for YOU to bring the pill routine into line with your goals and desires, so you can be on a more even keel period.
You can do it!!!!
Xoxo
Not sure why I neglected to include that lol
*******
Sasha, congratulations on the new job!!!!
As far as getting things under better control, is there ANYONE, a good friend, someone, even a time locked safe (which, while not completely non-abusable, may be just enough to get you into a routine long enough to get used to it...), someone who can hold onto the rest while you keep a day or 2 or 3 or whatever's worth of meds, making it easier? I know the more full my bottle was, the easier it was to "just take what I want to be productive today" and I'd tell myself I'd chill out after that...yeah. No. Lol. The newer my script, the easier out was to tell myself I had plenty for the future.... Until I didn't!
I soooo feel for you because I used to do that same thing and it gets so tiring.
Perhaps it's time to consider another way, or adding in another element such as a time locked safe. I find, when using any opiate really, while its easy to get too taking more than I want, after maybe a week of a more controlled, lesser dose/less frequent dose, it starts to get pretty easy to adjust and get used to that amount as my new normal routine
Depending on where you are at, you caneitherhave a v ery uncomfortable first week as your body adjusts ty a much lower dose, or if you are able to (if you have enough or can get enough more) you can slowly cut back over a few weeks until your body has adjusted, not going too fast so that you have minimal wd.
I know that you will excel in your new job and that will bring you pride and joy;iI'm praying for you that you find a way that works for YOU to bring the pill routine into line with your goals and desires, so you can be on a more even keel period.
You can do it!!!!
Xoxo
Sasha88
Bluelighter
Aww thanks hon! I do appreciate your kind words!
I'm really looking forward to the new job. It's a great step in my career. I'll try to cut back on my pills starting this week so if I have to buy any to bridge the gap, it'll be minimal. And then next month, I'll be able to start off on the right foot from the moment I get my script.
But I have about 70 or 80 pills left to stretch over the next 3 weeks or do. So I can look them over and I can cut down and make it last. It won't be easy, but I know I can figure it out.
maybe I'll have my husband hold on to them. He has his own pill issues but he'd hold mine and not touch them... at least he could do it until I got a safe. I'm away this weekend, I go home today... I'll talk to him about the best way for me to hold on to my meds since I'm such a nightmare with them.
Thanks for the suggestions!
sometimes I break off pieces of pills (I call them "nibs") and put them off to the side and then when I'm out, I look in the bottle and see what I've accumulated. Usually it's 2-3 pills worth of teeny broken off pieces.
Hope you're doing ok today.
��
hey Trevor- you hanging in there? When you have time, let us know how you're doing.
LA - I hope you're doing ok too. I'm thinking of you.
be well everyone! I hope everyone's Sundays are nice and slow and peaceful.
sasha
I'm really looking forward to the new job. It's a great step in my career. I'll try to cut back on my pills starting this week so if I have to buy any to bridge the gap, it'll be minimal. And then next month, I'll be able to start off on the right foot from the moment I get my script.
But I have about 70 or 80 pills left to stretch over the next 3 weeks or do. So I can look them over and I can cut down and make it last. It won't be easy, but I know I can figure it out.
maybe I'll have my husband hold on to them. He has his own pill issues but he'd hold mine and not touch them... at least he could do it until I got a safe. I'm away this weekend, I go home today... I'll talk to him about the best way for me to hold on to my meds since I'm such a nightmare with them.
Thanks for the suggestions!
sometimes I break off pieces of pills (I call them "nibs") and put them off to the side and then when I'm out, I look in the bottle and see what I've accumulated. Usually it's 2-3 pills worth of teeny broken off pieces.
Hope you're doing ok today.
��hey Trevor- you hanging in there? When you have time, let us know how you're doing.
LA - I hope you're doing ok too. I'm thinking of you.
be well everyone! I hope everyone's Sundays are nice and slow and peaceful.
sasha
ABetterWay
Bluelighter
Ahh, I managed to sleep on night three for several hours, guniceng 5 or a little more....aaaaaannnndddd the ONLY REASON I'M NOW UP.....can you guess? Drumroll please....
What? Did you guess because of my fucking drunk ass husband's routine of drinking until a nonsensical idiot/shoveling food into his face/coming in here to sleep in the bedroom after slamming bathroom door (why I'm up, but would've woken when he stumbled in here moments later anyway)....
Holy shit - I naturally am an insomniac a lot, so he has no clue. I also am utilizing some certain methods - no truthfully not coke, I actually feel so bad for bringing that up in the past because I feel like I've put that urge in someone and I feel so shitty about that, especially since I'm not really a fan of coke and can refuse it - so I won't mentionwhat I did that helped me here, since I'm fearful of also triggering another, different poster that I'm worried about as well, and that's not helpful to anyone.
But the ironic thing is, I NEVER thought this method would allow me sleep at ALL in h wd, as I'm lucky if some xanax let's me nap for a measly hour....but the thing I did (honestly, not even close to a thing I desire to do and in fact it actuallyit's gross to me) wore me out and made me tired which was a shock, and then just a xanax and holy crap I slept all nights except night one (a bit but not enough, didn't take xans night one though bc nights two and three are usually harder and wanted to conserve) but I was able to rest my eyes. No crawling restless arms and legs either. Mind you not a full night but a LOT more than usual.
I was mainly trying to mask the wd weakness, listlessness, etc and just be minimally functional while this Drunky McDrunkerson fuckhead is home, but was shocked and pleasantly surprised that I was more functional during the day and more able to sleep at night than ever. I'm grateful too because my C was gone from this earth one year yesterday and it was hard. Especially since I can't cry to my husband lol, and while I love my best friend, I don't think she gets it. At all. In fact I can't recall her even asking how I'm doing with that loss. Admittedly, the circumstances are kind of bizarre and some may wonder why I'm hurting so badly but *I* know I'm sincere and remorseful and that I love and miss him so I don't feel the need to justify myself. I spent months in a fog ofytears and pleading and begging for this to just be....not happening as it gutted me so.
Mind you, my last most recent opiate habit was really small compared to the past so I'm sure that helped, too with getting more sleep than past wds.
Sorry to go on but now I'm going to vent about THIS DRUNK AND SELFISH JACK ASS who sees nothing wrong with loudly stumbling in here - only to begin snoring - every 2-4 hours tops .
I had woken up to realize I was up bc he slammed bathroom door in his drunkenly enhanced powers of smooth movement lol, and honestly I was pissed bc he not only wakes me with his noise like that but also can hear him hacking his brains out and etc all night, then he makes no effort, I'd I'm not already almost certainly up, to get in bed quietly.
So yeah, I fucking let myself say literally like a short sentence about oh come on are you going to let me sleep through one night considering you knew I had barely slept two prior nights to this (unbeknownst to him wd, which no, I have no guilt in keeping on the DL), so he stays slurring, yelling that it's bc I'm on my phone that I'm up.
Yes. Yes honey, using my phone for the last two minutes at that punt is why I'm up. Not because you again woke me so I'm trying to tire my eyes out. Not that it matters. After he screamed that my phone was keeping me up (huh?) AND him too, the he is snoring his ass off after I said half dozen times ok ok ok not arguing at 4:30, many phone didn't fucking wake me, it's you every couple hours, GOOD NIGHT HONEY THANK YOUUUUUUUUU. He argued buuut quickly drifted off and is now snoring like he's leveling a forest with a thousand chainsaws.
Oh, victory in quitting.... I despise him more than I want to set myself up for more opiate withdrawal again, Sri once my body levels out I'm job hunting and GETTING THE FUCK OUT soon as I tie up loose ends.
So I'd still be asleep if not for his selfish shit. God, sleep in the living room in that fucked up couch from you sitting in one spot in it till it got a hole worn in it. You're drunk enough that it shouldn't bother you comfort wise.
Who the fuck thinks it's ok every weekemd when he's off the next day - and all this week, too - to do this shit, waking Mr every couple or few hours, often more, even of I try to compensate during the day???? Yet he just acts like I'm the crazy one lmmfao.
Oh, J..... Actually, I'm addressing your liver.... Hurry up and give out, but time it for just after I leave ok? Msn I never an so mean!!! Only he can push me to that point.
But I feel in my gut that after his treatment off me, once I go, then his karma will begin to really start coming on harder and faster. Maybe it sounds silly but with him working where we live and etc, I've had a gut feeling that he suffers no true consequences despite being a monster only because it would badly impact ME. I really believe once I'm home the shit will hit the fan for him and make up for lost karmic time with a vengeance for him.
As much as even those who have it coming deserve it I still feel bad for then somewhere inside. Still, he is the Kins that won't learn a thing unless he has felt how it feels to be fucked fucked fucked. And worse, did it to himself.
And no, after how much worse my health has become just from living under fear and stress and never being allowrd to sleep, I won't feel obligated to come help nurse him. Let his fucking sister do it.
Or let him rot here trapped by his self made consequences, like I was hostage to him.
Ok enough, sorry, he makes me so dick, and my god even at 430am he just had to argue angrily making no sense....holy fuck I'm so over his stupidity. He's so disgusting.
Anyway...
*******
SASHA
Good luck hon. God idea, maybe for now try biting off a little piece of more of them if you can? Your body likely won't suffer from a couple mgs less and in the end you'll have a bit more extra to fall back on! I hope you can find a way that helps, works, and isn't too difficult for you. I am praying for your freedom from this cycle. I know too well the exhausting routine. Anxiety. Self loathing and disappointment. You can do this and something will work for your soon. Your husband could help as youmentioned, I just hope out doesn't become a resentment source. You'll figure it out as you are intelligent and I sense you're growing more sick of this routine each time....and you will gain control as you wish to.
******
KEEPING
I'm glad you have subs to help if need be.
But hopefully you've managed to slide into home plate under the too-many-days-in-a-row radar.
I'm hoping and wishing that's the case for you darling. How nice that'd be. I know I don't need to tell you to be careful! But if you feel tempted, and are in danger of getting to the point of withdrawal again, please reach out here so we can hopefully really around and give you enough motivation and encouragement to avoid that cycle of hell and just shittiness.
*******
TREVOR I'm thinking of you and guile things are going well and you're getting closer and closer. Would absolutely love to hear how your are on all levels and how is life right now. I'm so rooting for you, from my heart and soul, and I know you're tired of this roller coaster. I believe in you. Update when your can love xoxo
*******
Losangeles1993, How's it going? Check in when you can soooo we know youre with us still.
Remember, even if you didn't make an attempt at or make it through an attempt doesn't mean we aren't cheering you in with lobe and support . Ikknow you can do this!!!!
*******
Everyone, I hope your Monday is a calm,eeasy, peaceful, fortunate one withno real stressors or difficulties. You all deserve it.
Thanks again for everything. Don't know that is be waking up albeit early as hell lol, on day 4 without your concern and love .
To everyone else coming here, Dane goes to you. Sending much love and gratitude abs strength your way.
Xoxox
What? Did you guess because of my fucking drunk ass husband's routine of drinking until a nonsensical idiot/shoveling food into his face/coming in here to sleep in the bedroom after slamming bathroom door (why I'm up, but would've woken when he stumbled in here moments later anyway)....
Holy shit - I naturally am an insomniac a lot, so he has no clue. I also am utilizing some certain methods - no truthfully not coke, I actually feel so bad for bringing that up in the past because I feel like I've put that urge in someone and I feel so shitty about that, especially since I'm not really a fan of coke and can refuse it - so I won't mentionwhat I did that helped me here, since I'm fearful of also triggering another, different poster that I'm worried about as well, and that's not helpful to anyone.
But the ironic thing is, I NEVER thought this method would allow me sleep at ALL in h wd, as I'm lucky if some xanax let's me nap for a measly hour....but the thing I did (honestly, not even close to a thing I desire to do and in fact it actuallyit's gross to me) wore me out and made me tired which was a shock, and then just a xanax and holy crap I slept all nights except night one (a bit but not enough, didn't take xans night one though bc nights two and three are usually harder and wanted to conserve) but I was able to rest my eyes. No crawling restless arms and legs either. Mind you not a full night but a LOT more than usual.
I was mainly trying to mask the wd weakness, listlessness, etc and just be minimally functional while this Drunky McDrunkerson fuckhead is home, but was shocked and pleasantly surprised that I was more functional during the day and more able to sleep at night than ever. I'm grateful too because my C was gone from this earth one year yesterday and it was hard. Especially since I can't cry to my husband lol, and while I love my best friend, I don't think she gets it. At all. In fact I can't recall her even asking how I'm doing with that loss. Admittedly, the circumstances are kind of bizarre and some may wonder why I'm hurting so badly but *I* know I'm sincere and remorseful and that I love and miss him so I don't feel the need to justify myself. I spent months in a fog ofytears and pleading and begging for this to just be....not happening as it gutted me so.
Mind you, my last most recent opiate habit was really small compared to the past so I'm sure that helped, too with getting more sleep than past wds.
Sorry to go on but now I'm going to vent about THIS DRUNK AND SELFISH JACK ASS who sees nothing wrong with loudly stumbling in here - only to begin snoring - every 2-4 hours tops .
I had woken up to realize I was up bc he slammed bathroom door in his drunkenly enhanced powers of smooth movement lol, and honestly I was pissed bc he not only wakes me with his noise like that but also can hear him hacking his brains out and etc all night, then he makes no effort, I'd I'm not already almost certainly up, to get in bed quietly.
So yeah, I fucking let myself say literally like a short sentence about oh come on are you going to let me sleep through one night considering you knew I had barely slept two prior nights to this (unbeknownst to him wd, which no, I have no guilt in keeping on the DL), so he stays slurring, yelling that it's bc I'm on my phone that I'm up.
Yes. Yes honey, using my phone for the last two minutes at that punt is why I'm up. Not because you again woke me so I'm trying to tire my eyes out. Not that it matters. After he screamed that my phone was keeping me up (huh?) AND him too, the he is snoring his ass off after I said half dozen times ok ok ok not arguing at 4:30, many phone didn't fucking wake me, it's you every couple hours, GOOD NIGHT HONEY THANK YOUUUUUUUUU. He argued buuut quickly drifted off and is now snoring like he's leveling a forest with a thousand chainsaws.
Oh, victory in quitting.... I despise him more than I want to set myself up for more opiate withdrawal again, Sri once my body levels out I'm job hunting and GETTING THE FUCK OUT soon as I tie up loose ends.
So I'd still be asleep if not for his selfish shit. God, sleep in the living room in that fucked up couch from you sitting in one spot in it till it got a hole worn in it. You're drunk enough that it shouldn't bother you comfort wise.
Who the fuck thinks it's ok every weekemd when he's off the next day - and all this week, too - to do this shit, waking Mr every couple or few hours, often more, even of I try to compensate during the day???? Yet he just acts like I'm the crazy one lmmfao.
Oh, J..... Actually, I'm addressing your liver.... Hurry up and give out, but time it for just after I leave ok? Msn I never an so mean!!! Only he can push me to that point.
But I feel in my gut that after his treatment off me, once I go, then his karma will begin to really start coming on harder and faster. Maybe it sounds silly but with him working where we live and etc, I've had a gut feeling that he suffers no true consequences despite being a monster only because it would badly impact ME. I really believe once I'm home the shit will hit the fan for him and make up for lost karmic time with a vengeance for him.
As much as even those who have it coming deserve it I still feel bad for then somewhere inside. Still, he is the Kins that won't learn a thing unless he has felt how it feels to be fucked fucked fucked. And worse, did it to himself.
And no, after how much worse my health has become just from living under fear and stress and never being allowrd to sleep, I won't feel obligated to come help nurse him. Let his fucking sister do it.
Or let him rot here trapped by his self made consequences, like I was hostage to him.
Ok enough, sorry, he makes me so dick, and my god even at 430am he just had to argue angrily making no sense....holy fuck I'm so over his stupidity. He's so disgusting.
Anyway...
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SASHA
Good luck hon. God idea, maybe for now try biting off a little piece of more of them if you can? Your body likely won't suffer from a couple mgs less and in the end you'll have a bit more extra to fall back on! I hope you can find a way that helps, works, and isn't too difficult for you. I am praying for your freedom from this cycle. I know too well the exhausting routine. Anxiety. Self loathing and disappointment. You can do this and something will work for your soon. Your husband could help as youmentioned, I just hope out doesn't become a resentment source. You'll figure it out as you are intelligent and I sense you're growing more sick of this routine each time....and you will gain control as you wish to.
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KEEPING
I'm glad you have subs to help if need be.
But hopefully you've managed to slide into home plate under the too-many-days-in-a-row radar.
I'm hoping and wishing that's the case for you darling. How nice that'd be. I know I don't need to tell you to be careful! But if you feel tempted, and are in danger of getting to the point of withdrawal again, please reach out here so we can hopefully really around and give you enough motivation and encouragement to avoid that cycle of hell and just shittiness.
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TREVOR I'm thinking of you and guile things are going well and you're getting closer and closer. Would absolutely love to hear how your are on all levels and how is life right now. I'm so rooting for you, from my heart and soul, and I know you're tired of this roller coaster. I believe in you. Update when your can love xoxo
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Losangeles1993, How's it going? Check in when you can soooo we know youre with us still.
Remember, even if you didn't make an attempt at or make it through an attempt doesn't mean we aren't cheering you in with lobe and support . Ikknow you can do this!!!!
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Everyone, I hope your Monday is a calm,eeasy, peaceful, fortunate one withno real stressors or difficulties. You all deserve it.
Thanks again for everything. Don't know that is be waking up albeit early as hell lol, on day 4 without your concern and love .
To everyone else coming here, Dane goes to you. Sending much love and gratitude abs strength your way.
Xoxox