saw her in concert ^ this past 4th of July. Good day.
I wanted to share an image from a dream I had days ago.
Background: One day before I went home to my parents over Christmas-days, I did a people search on the girl I mentioned in earlier posts. I felt like investigating a hot-bed for synchronicity. Then again I could be fooling myself, because I like to believe that fulfillment exists everywhere, and everything is ultimately, in the greatest eyes... well, in "first place".. fulfillment. Infinite. I've seen it before, I know it's true, but I guess in the scheme of things, she just might have certain proximity, not to down play her (as she's in "first place").
Uhh, I know how I sound. Pathetic. Trust me, I'm interested in other girls, and I believe I'd think of this girl as a "partner" that I might work with off and on, and that a relationship might build, but hasn't. Nothing against her, conditions just aren't right. Etc, you know? But I have a thing for her type, perhaps. Perhaps.
Focus...
She gave me my first gemstone, "Jet"- which I picked out of her collection, as she offered any one of them I wanted.
I keep trying to justify reasons I'm attracted... as if it's some great mystery!? it sort of is. and isn't. sorry. it's me. not you, really... really....To be honest, maybe it's the fact that as minimal as the experience was, in time... it was more intimate than I have been with most, she's the most beautiful girl to pay direct attention to me (big one), investing time (though perhaps not much by some people's standards, I haven't been that engaged with anyone in memory, anyone that was that hot... and a redhead.. haha)... so these things have perhaps made her stick. I keep on trying to justifying it to myself.
Anyways, so this night before, I checked her out, and the next day, the only other girl to REALLY make me crazy (nobody makes us crazy, you know. But you know.) in life, before her.. they are sort of "together" in how they effected me, in my heart. Others to varying degrees, and sometimes I realize that fulfillment perpetual infinite thing but that's like breathing. I'm alive. I need to exhale, inhale, exhale? (does the metaphor work at all?), and it's all one again, and people I don't even know are the love of my life, the one I am really married to... etc. Absolutism... hehhehehh. And. I saw her old addresses. She was sort of a hooker/prostitute/stripper/exotic dancer when I met her, and her first address was on Hooker street. I associated her, in my own personal "OMG I'M JESUS"-Story as holding resonance with Mary Magdalene. I was sure I had it right this time. I thought my ex might have been her at one point, and then Zena Grey, but I don't even think "Mary Magdalene" was
just her, anyway... I'm caught in reflections.(?T/F? and perhaps popular things like everyone else) I'm asking trains, "are you my mother?" and most of them are dead or empty, or something. ...
I don't know.
So I touched base. I investigated. I learned some more, and my first address was the Vine, yo... I went on to the next day. I went home to parents for family Xmas, and decided to use my mother's facebook account to stalk yet the other one close to my heart, still (though I don't really say it with heart, or feel it at this very moment), and I found out, finally, that she was married. This one, the other- Alisha, who used to share the same last name as my mother's maiden name (with other weighted points about her and my relationship with her, with my mother, like the rest whole, and individual), now has the last name, well, I'll be honest. Darr. Finch to Darr. Began to see my 23-synchronicity with her, at her, and years later found her name came out to 23 when I used the common-simplified form of numbering names, which was sort of an "Aha" moment of sorts... and this was haunting. I can't explain. Maybe I'm not trying, but the guy she married, the only girl I ever asked to marry me (saying yes, but there were circumstances, reasons to let her go.), gave her this name, "Darr"-- also "numbered" to 23 by one of two of my most common methods. Perfect. Better than I could have done.
But, then, now, she shares a common name value with the one who years later further clarified, and mixed things up, and whatnot for me. This value is 159, "CLIX" in roman numerals, which I find...
fitting.
Now, other values don't align (that I see right now), but as long as one does, and there are other resonances, it's a fun game to play. It's an easy one... but not too easy. They have to be their own people, after all. Not that a number means they're the same.. but to me this hit as another... surprise that's not really surprising (___________), in this life of synchronicity.
Within a few nights, I had a dream that the stone that Donna had given me had broke into two pieces. (This, the dream I had)
Aside from the obvious- perhaps, connection... I'm curious if anyone might be able to chime in with any insight. The stone was Jet. It might be very simple, and I'm pretty sure what "it all means" and it really just comes down to love. Through all of the complexity, the most successful thing we can do is "Love", and be as true as possible. Truth holds the doorway open. Yada. I don't really feel like going somewhere I'm not currently though. I'm not emotional. It's shut off. I'm merely entertaining. Shut me off. Machine. Box. I just want to make it right, and get out before I'm expected to keep it going. I need to get out, so it will keep going. Otherwise it'll hang on me. Or I'll hang on it. Right. Whatever. Exactly. BEANS. FRANK! (maybe I meant it's like lighting a fountain and getting out of the way?... that too.)
Charles!
Dick!
Leonidas.
bursts into flames but then you find him hiding wrapped up in a curtain, really quiet, in a corner... waiting for you to leave...
there's always tomorrow.
To add: Looking back, I was struggling to make sense. I currently cannot understand some of what I said as written, although I know what I was trying to say. I think I was excited/effected by it too much at the time, to make proper sense.