TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[claire22]

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n30-- how's it going? Claire, how about you?

Not so well. I am trying to eat normal. healthy meals but whenever I do I binge!
Yesterday I ate nothing & today nothing so far, but the sickest part is I feel proud about it. This is crazy, I wish it would all disappear again. I am terrified of putting on more weight. I know I look healthy for the first time in my life since putting on 7kg but I just have a deep hatred for putting on weight. So, now this returns
I know it is partly because of my massive binge drinking over the past few weeks, I eat about 5000kJ a day sometimes less, but my metabolism is fucked up from years of not eating.
How are you going Dave?

 

[n3ophy7e]

claire, is exercise an option?? Try some swimming or jogging, get some endorphins flowing

 

[claire22]

It is but I cannot get motivated for it.

 

[Dave]

Even just go for a walk or a light bike ride. Daily exercise, even low-intensity exercise, can make a difference. You can ramp up the intensity later once you're feeling better, but for now start light.

I'm glad that you recognize that alcohol plays a large part in your weight gain. You'd be surprised as to how few people make that connection. The thing is, your body needs food, now more than ever. It never needs alcohol. I'm not saying stop drinking, because let's be honest, that's not going to happen right now. Try to cut back a bit though, and I think that you'll notice a difference.

Also, you recognize that your metabolism is fucked. That's good-- you know that the quantity of food isn't the problem. The thing is it is virtually impossible to quit a stim and not gain some weight. It's hard, especially if you've had issues with it in the past, but you need to realize that some weight gain is inevitable, and that your focus should be on getting healthy again. You're still very young, and you have TONS of time to lose any weight that you might have gained.

If you're not eating much, make sure that you're eating lots of veggies, and especially the dark green type. Something to try is to use the diet control aspect of ana, but focus on healthy eating rather than calorie restriction. Get most of your daily calories through whole plant foods, keep the fat fairly low (but not too low), and don't worry too much about protein. People do very well with only 5% of their calories coming from protein. Much less than this though and you'll be running into trouble. Aim for ~50g/day, not much less.

I became vegetarian as a way to harness the dietary control urge, and while I think that the last thing that you need is another change in your life right now I do think that it would be better for you to aim your dietary focus on healthy food rather than weight loss. Once you're fully clean and healthy again, your body will thank you.

The take home message-- the least of your worries right now is your weight. It doesn't seem like it, and my saying it probably doesn't make it any easier to realize it, but it's true. Get well, stay clean, and once you're healthy again you can worry about trimming back up. Not that you'd need much trimming I'd imagine.

Oh, and I'd suggest seeing a psychologist in the next little bit. You'd be amazed as to how much they can help. My biggest regret in life (which is tied to most of my minor regrets) is that I didn't see a psychologist years sooner. I could have saved so much time, started really living my life, so much sooner. Think about it.

Me? Thanks for asking Yesterday was rough: had a mini-binge and got pretty sad about it. I'm still in a January funk, but I'm back on track at least. Thanks to some unadvisable... indulgence shall we say, over New Year's I spent last week horribly ill with a cold, and only just yesterday recovered my voice. Hopefully by the weekend I'll be well enough to get back to the gym, which I'm looking forward to since I've gained about 5 kilos over the holiday.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Hi mia, it sounds like you've had a really tough time and I'm sorry for that
Are you getting better at the moment? How's your drug use?
Do you think you're in a position to warn/help the kids you teach gymnastics the dangers of restricting calories at such a young age??
Best of luck hun

aww, thank you.
my drug use is not good right now, it's really escalated in the past three weeks. i'm somewhere in the middle, i guess, of how bad my drug use has been in the past five years... i snort meth six out of seven days a week and crash on the last day. occasionally i manage to snort less but i always end up using coke on those days (somewhere in my mind that's become the "less evil drug").
i need to try and get myself under control, i'm just so scared of being hungry. i know some anorexics love hunger pains and what not, but i really hate being hungry because the feeling scares me, it's like being at the edge of a bridge with one foot hanging off and someone's hand pressing my back.
nevertheless, i really don't want to have to go back to being in a program because i think i'll get fired if i take off again. i just feel apathetic to changing my behavior right now, which is the most frustrating part, since i don't know how to give myself motivation.
as for talking to kids... i feel like i never know what to say. i've had numerous doctors/nurses over the years ask me what they should tell their kids who they think have eating disorders, or what they should do, and i feel like i just quote shit that my therapist told my parents (that obviously didn't work) or that i read in books. when i see the girls i teach that i know have eating disorders, i get really uncomfortable around them and avoid them. i talked to a girl once but i just got screamed at and i didn't know how to respond. i mean, i can spot a girl with an eating disorder a mile away. but i guess what frustrates me about eating disorders and helping these younger girls is i feel like if you catch a kid using hard drugs, throw them on house arrest, drug test them everyday, put them in counseling, do everything you can to make them clean they will grow up and drugs will become some occurence in their teens or whatever that they are now over. but i feel like eating disorders are so much more poisinous and impossible to stop, and are FOREVER. i have no doubt that i will be clean from drugs someday but i do not think i will ever be alright with food.
anyway, i'm writing a memoir here. hopefully some day i will figure out what to say, at least some good will come from this then. and hopefully i will muster up some courage to talk to these girls and not shy away, since, fuck, i love my job, i can't really imagine myself doing anything else, but, i feel like if anyone should be able to talk to girls with eating disorders, it should be me?
what would you guys tell someone who's obviously in the early throws of an eating disorder?

 

[xxi135]

Last semester I spent most of it really really anorexic. I would never eat hardly anything. I managed to lose about 20lbs in 2 months, so unhealthy! That was also my worst semester grade wise. It's hard to study when ur brain has nothing to go on, that is my main reason for trying to stop, to get back to normal. While I still do no have 'normal' eating habits, it's really easy for me to just skip a meal, Im getting better. I actually think my fast may have been a good thing, as now I am trying to replace my old bad eating habits with good ones. More salads and such.

 

[pilldout]

hi i've had an ed for going on 7 years... wow it hurts to actually look at that cold hard number written out.

it started as a reaction to my depression and self-hatred. I was cutting a lot when I got my first bout of really bad depression and I needed another outlet to direct my self-loathing... so I started starving myself and eventually started puking the few meals I was forced to eat with my parents. then starvation kicked in and I started binging/purging. Was hospitalized when my weight got really low, got out and lost the few pounds they made me gain in the hospital since I was only classified as bulimic.

so yeah now it's mainly just habit. I don't really starve anymore I just mainly eat normally and I'm a normal weight my big problem now is that when I get stressed/bored I still get that switch in my head that clicks over and I just can't stop myself from eating till I'm nauseous and then I have to get rid of it all. I've been on Topamax for a few years and it helps some with the desire to b/p but it still happens about once a week or so. But it has gotten significantly better and I'm able to maintain a relationship with my boyfriend and whatnot.

Things can get better and I'm sure one day I will have kids and hopefully this will not be an issue. Slowly I was able to start eating normally so maybe one day I will not feel the need to stuff my face only to reject it all into the toilet and be ruled by the scale.

Like all ed'd I still have that scary weight that I cannot let myself go over or I freak out and cut way back on food or puke everything for a few days until it goes back down to where I am comfortable. I hope that can be a nonissue someday as well.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I wonder, do these issues ever really GO AWAY??? Or are they just suppressed until we are vulnerable enough for them to resurface??

The thought/urge to binge is still in the back of of mind. Like smoking ciggies. Oooohh I would like one but I haven't touched a cig in 3+ years. It just isn't good for me.

The issues I had that led me to such negative thoughts and behaviour have dissolved. Thanks to therapy, self-discovery, and emotional awareness/acceptance.
Gawd, that sounds touchy feely...I like it

Last week I over indulged. Perhaps 5-7 days worth of excessive eating. Not what I consider a binge. I could have but I didn't. There was nothing that led up to it. No drama or trauma happening in my life. I chalked it up to hormones (pre-period) and let the guilt go away.

I no longer write my weight down every Wednesday morning. I looked over my 2008 calendar before I threw it out. Based on the numbers, I could easily imagine my mood each month. I weigh myself once a week but don't measure my worth by that number. I do not let it set the tone for the day. I used to think if I went over 130 that was a danger zone. Trying to maintain under that weight was dangerous. Currently, I weigh between 130-135 lbs. I proud to tell anyone that number. Since letting go of my ED, maintaining a body shape that I like is no longer a daily battle.

I still worry if I get totally okay with my munchie behavior...will I get fat and regress mentally? Unlikely, but the fear of being who I was scares me into staying who I am now.

 

[Seanjay]

Hey Seanjay that's so great to hear you're laying off the substances. But you know, drug use, cutting, eating disorders, they're all symptoms of the same underlying problems. Replacing one for another isn't really solving anything.
Do you see a psych/therapist?? Are you in a position to? I think you should consider it. A lot of people can't deal with these issues on their own and need help.
Good luck dude

Thanks

I'm not comfortable with therapists

I'm not trying to live to 100, I just want to be happy

 

[belarki]

I became vegetarian as a way to harness the dietary control urge, and while I think that the last thing that you need is another change in your life right now I do think that it would be better for you to aim your dietary focus on healthy food rather than weight loss. Once you're fully clean and healthy again, your body will thank you.

Whoa there, another vegetarian Dave with ED! Hey there mister doppleganger!

 

[Dave]

Hiya!

Sean, so was I. It took years, and a pretty good crisis before I finally gave in an saw a psychologist. It was well worth it. Don't write it off just yet, just think about it. These people aren't here to judge you, they are paid to help you resolve your problems.

 

[chicpoena]

As I start to get more in shape, I'm worried about my eating disorder returning. I used to starve myself all day for years and binge eat at night. Since it wasn't complete starvation, and there was no purging, I guess I would say that I just had a generic eating disorder. I put on 10 lbs. in college. I'm only 4lbs away from my goal weight which is 110 lbs. I guess I'm afraid I'm unleashing a monster. Working out everyday is awesome because of the natural endorphin high. But now I'm worried that this may become another obsession!

I'm starting to think its addiction I'm addicted to...

 

[Tomer]

Was anyone here once anorexic, a few/many years ago, but now have no problems eating whatever they please? As in, they don't think twice about the illness, and have moved on? Just curious.

 

[Dave]

chicpoena-- I think, and ymmv of course, that the issue with (and common thread among) most EDs is the obsession with weight and appearance. Even bingers, although it may not seem like it would be. In many cases it can be a fine line-- does the hardcore gym rat who watches their diet down to the kJ to keep their body composition below 8% have an ED? Are they healthy?

Personally, I think that the fact that you're aware of the risk will help keep you safe. PI once told me something that I've really taken to heart: don't obsess over the number. Your 'ideal' weight is pretty well a matter of perception, and can (and often does) change once the goal is attained.

Someone can be obese for BMI, yet have a healthy, muscular body composition. Someone can have a low BF% and be horribly malnourished, or a high bf% and be horribly malnourished. The numbers only tell a small part of the story, and should not be a source of stress.

Now all I have to do is to find a way to take this advice, and I'll be set

Oh, and to answer your question Tomer, I'd guess that nobody in this thread has been able to fully move on from their ED. I know that I haven't.

 

[Tomer]

Dave, how long have you suffered with the illness? Would you say, along with others, that Anorexia and Depression go hand in hand? Is it possible for someone to suffer from Anorexia but not be depressed? Maybe one can be obsessive compulsive, instead? Interested to see if there's a difference. Ciao.

 

[belarki]

Was anyone here once anorexic, a few/many years ago, but now have no problems eating whatever they please? As in, they don't think twice about the illness, and have moved on? Just curious.

Once anorexic and now.... not better Not anorexic like I once was but as Dave said, these things stick with you. There are underlying problems with EDs; being overly self-critical comes into it and hence I think you could be right about them tending to going hand in hand with depression or other disorders.

 

[n3ophy7e]

As I start to get more in shape, I'm worried about my eating disorder returning. I used to starve myself all day for years and binge eat at night. Since it wasn't complete starvation, and there was no purging, I guess I would say that I just had a generic eating disorder. I put on 10 lbs. in college. I'm only 4lbs away from my goal weight which is 110 lbs. I guess I'm afraid I'm unleashing a monster. Working out everyday is awesome because of the natural endorphin high. But now I'm worried that this may become another obsession!

I'm starting to think its addiction I'm addicted to...

chic, my situation is pretty much exactly the same as yours.
I've been getting in to shape and as my metabolism speeds up, and the weight comes off, I eat less and less, and the weight comes off even faster. And so the cycle continues...

I, too, am addicted to addiction. I know exactly what you mean hun.

Try to catch the cycle before you get too entrenched in it okay??

 

[Dave]

n3o-- Sounds like exercise anorexia to me. We studied it as an example in my behavioural psych course. It's guessed that it is actually used as a latent migratory instinct-- when the food dries up where you are, you have to walk far to find more, so you exercise more and eat less. The tough bit is stopping. Essentially the treatment (for rats at least) was force feeding for a short period. Not fun.

Tomer-- while I've had anorexic episodes, the most recent one being a year ago and quite severe at that, my main issue is binge eating. For me, the two were/are connected. I've received treatment for, among other things, depression, and with that reduced to an acceptable background level I've found that both the frequency and intensity of binges have dropped off a lot.

The body dysmorphic issue still remains to an extent though, and that doesn't help the obsessive aspect of EDs. It's a lot harder to get rid of, and I think is a part of the reason as to why EDs don't really go away. They just go into remission.

 

[Libby]

I cannot get motivated for exercise either claire, but I have found something, it is 10minutes for a full body workout, I can motivate myself to do 10minutes.
This is a New Zealand website, but it lists branches in perth and townsville, I don't remember where about in Auz you are, but even if these locations are too far, there's probably something similar availiable that is convienient to you.
http://www.vibra-train.com/

I went and my muscles fucking hurt, so it's not just jiggling fat around and doing nothing like I worried it may be. they claim to help bone density, which you know as a sufferer of Anorexia like me, is very important.

then I just need to organise some cardio porogramme to follow, and once I have a level of fitness back, I want to get back into MMA (mixed martial arts) and wrestling. I used to be a good fighter, I've had fights on Auckland local television, and I never lost one. Sigh that was years ago though. I used to fight for MANIA women's fighting Academy, I trained under John Brotchie, but he wanted me to come and train for hours, every single day, and I didn't want to do it that much, he also wanted me to go up a weight class as I had beaten everyone my weight and was fighting girls bigger than me . Also started smoking and taking drugs, which isn't good for an athlete. Neither is starving oneself mind you.

Fighting was the only sport I've ever been good at, I sucked at P.E. in school. I sucked at jazz ballet as a pre-teen. All I can do is fight.

 

[n3ophy7e]

n3o-- Sounds like exercise anorexia to me. We studied it as an example in my behavioural psych course. It's guessed that it is actually used as a latent migratory instinct-- when the food dries up where you are, you have to walk far to find more, so you exercise more and eat less. The tough bit is stopping. Essentially the treatment (for rats at least) was force feeding for a short period. Not fun.

Hmmm very interesting.
Almost all of my anorexic episodes are accompanied with over-exercise. I'm guessing it's pretty common with anorexia?

I cannot get motivated for exercise either claire, but I have found something, it is 10minutes for a full body workout, I can motivate myself to do 10minutes.
This is a New Zealand website, but it lists branches in perth and townsville, I don't remember where about in Auz you are, but even if these locations are too far, there's probably something similar availiable that is convienient to you.
http://www.vibra-train.com/

I went and my muscles fucking hurt, so it's not just jiggling fat around and doing nothing like I worried it may be. they claim to help bone density, which you know as a sufferer of Anorexia like me, is very important.

That sounds like a great program. claire take note! 10 minutes might not seem like a lot but it all counts for something. And once you get started it will be easier and easier every time.