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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

Oh, I did not meet her at that treatment center. I met her at a Behavioral Health Hospital her in the suburbs of Chicago. We were in inpatient and then outpatient together.
 
moonshadow82 said:
I've had periods of anorexia and bulimia. I still have dsordered eating, though I wouldnt say I have an ED (according to DSM standards) I've been in therapy for a good 10 years, and it's the one thing I've never worked on. I dunno.. I am pretty much recovered, like I said, I just have a slightly warped view on eating. I don't own a scale atm - a good thing, because I could see myself getting totally obsessed if I did.

Anyways, nice to meet you all :)

Chelle xx <3
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Nice to meet you too Chelle. It sounds like you're a pretty similar situation to me at present. I've been in recovery for a few years now, and still retain some weird thoughts and feelings about food.

I'm of the same opinion as you regarding having a scale in the house. I couldn't do it to myself. I'd be ripping open the scab and inviting myself to go back to past behaviours and I just could not stand to see all of the good work I've done unravelled. :\

It sounds like you're a good place. Good work, I hope you're proud of the changes you've made. :)
 
I developed an eating disorder during a stint at rehab. I was suffering from PAWs from methadone, and my mind frame had gotten seriously fucked up. The fact that I'm a male made my self image just so much worse (what I mean by this, is I thought I was SUPER fucked up for having the insecurity's i did). My reasons were kind of weird too, not the average kind of thing you hear. I had become convinced that my head was two times to small for my body, and that the only way to not look like a freak, and to even out my proportions, would be to lose as much weight as possible, so that my body would be small enough for my head. I'm not sure where I came up with this theory, or the idea that my head was dispraportionate, but I attribute it slightly to the fact that I'm a visual artist, and have spent a lot of time training myself not to trust my first impression of things. When you focus on an image for an extended period of time, you begin to see it much differently than you would at just a glimpse. my perception of my body was probably correct in a way, but because I was only looking at myself with such concentration, I was the freak and everyone else was normal.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there. Eventually I got sick of not eating for a week straight and walking 12 miles a day, that I just went out and shot some dope. I'll take drug addiction over food deprivation ANY day of the week.
 
^Problem is that when that dope's finished, you'll need more. Unless your a rich artist, and i don't know many (due to the free spirit). When you go dope, you end up with an E.D but you don't feel it as nearly as much. I'm not the one to give advice here though. As an artist, try looking into yourself, you'll be suprised how amzing you really are. I would like a balance of dope and food myself, but with dope as one knows, it's a hard f*cker to balance. You sound smart, and i'm sure your creative. You're to good to be beaten by a damn E.D or H habbit.
Good luck mate, i hope you crack the art scene, and stay healthy for your lifes entirety. Peace Znegative, and remmember there's not only a choice of dope or e.d, there's more to the picture then that. Keep looking into yourself until you find it!
 
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i lost 40 lbs in a year by starving myself. something i could have done the right way in 6 months and look healthy. then i lost another 20 in 2 month from not eating + drugs. my skin was faded and i looked pretty drained tbh. being severely dehydrated put me in the hospital. but im still starving myself somewhat. and im still doing drugs

my mental state is alot better than a year ago though. don't really think this will ever go away
 
I had to cover my full length mirror in my room cause I couldn't stop obsessing in it when I went to sleep (it was right across from my bed).
 
I can nearly touch my thumb to my middle finger around my bicep by 1.5in.

Almost there. Another 5lbs and I should be good. Been restricting wickedly the past two weeks.

Feels good. I am thinspired.
 
^^ Why do you want to be so thin jj? It doesn't sound like you have a distorted body image, i.e. you don't seem to think you're fat? You don't have to discuss it if you're not comfortable doing so <3

Also, are you honestly expecting that you'll stop restricting calories after you lose another 5lb? Do you think you will be ABLE to stop at that point?


I have gained 5kg (11lb) in the last 2 months purely from my escalating drinking problem. I've been sick with a cold twice in the last month because I am so malnurished (i.e. I've just been eating shitty carbs, NO fresh food at all for the last month or 2 :|). I just bought heaps of green vegies and some oranges and bananas and yoghurt etc yesterday so I can get the fuck back on track. So that's a start...

But for now I look and feel like complete and utter shit. I am so embarrassed to even walk outside my front door because I think I look so awful. I know it's not actually that bad, like realistically my face is a tiny bit more puffy than usual and I've got a tiny little paunch. But my ED-mind is making me believe that I am morbidly obese 8)
Whenever I feel like this I always want to revert back to anorexia because I want fast results instead of getting the weight back off in the correct/healthy way by eating right and exercising.

My poor body :(
 
^It sounds like you know the right action to take, honey. It's just a matter of putting it into action.

Remember that every time you restrict and purge it only puts extra stress on your body. Your skin suffers. Your hair suffers. Your nails suffer. Your mind suffers immensely - you get forgetful, dizzy and feel nauseous.

Everytime you eat well and make good, healthy exercise choices your body rejoices! It laps it up and puts it all to excellent use. Eating well and exercising is like diamonds and gold to a body.

You will see BETTER results from healthy choices like full, nutritious meals than you ever will from restricting. :)
 
^^ Thank you darling, that is really inspiring <3
I will try to remember that.

I just so desperately HATE looking/feeling like this :(
 
^ oh lord darlin' we all know that feeling here. *HUGE* huge hug for you.

COTB is sooo right - eating well (balanced both ingredients and size) and balanced excercising, just generally being kind to your body is what makes it sing. It's the only answer that will actually really give you what you want. I can say that with truth because I've been exactly where you are and I know what you want!

Another thing - YOUR BRAIN IS WRONG. You are obsessing and totally warped about the way you look and what size you are. It is a hundred million times stronger in your head than it is for anybody else who looks at you. You are a beautiful girl, truly a beautiful gorgeous irresistably lovely young woman. Forget how f*ing awesome you are in your heart and mind too, that's just the outside I'm talking about! I don't know exactly how to do it, but you need to drop that immediate obsession you have going now. That right there is your problem - not how you look, but how you think. Because your thinking is wrong. Try to remember that my lovely..

Repeat after me - "I am wrong. My mind is wrong. My mind is a depressed and nasty fucker who for an unknown reason tunnels my miserable obsession. I will not listen to the nasty mofo in my head. I am wrong. My mind is wrong."

PM or MSN me aaaanytime my dear, my heart goes out to you right now. In fact, if you don't talk to me you will be in trouble ok? More'a them hugs for you <3 You're worth so much more than this misery <3<3<3
 
I gained a LOT of weight in my rehab... I was treated for my ED by a therapist that came in and worked with me and I got put on restoration... I gained like thirty pounds.

I started having a lot of problems with purging recently... I eat normally through the day and then at night I binge and purge... I've never been bulimic before, so this is weird for me.
 
mia, you HAVE to get out of that habit. I can say from experience, the key is CHANGING THE CYCLE of binging and purging at night (or for somebody else reading, whenever it is that you regularly do it). It's really fucking hard for a number of nights and you have to be determined minute by minute not to binge and purge. If you're like me you'll swing back and forth between deciding to do it, and deciding not to do it. And sometimes you'll manage not to and sometimes you won't.
But after those first couple of nights of doggedly not acting on it, about 3 days for me usually, it gets easier. If you get hooked into that habit and cycle, and the longer you stay doing the same thing, then it just gets harder and harder and harder not to do it.
And, the longer you do it, the more you hate yourself, the more weight you gain, the puffier your face, the more depressed you get and the more trapped you feel. Aaand, the more disordered and obsessive and warped you become again.

Stop now.
You can.
 
mia, ^^she^^ speaks the truth. It's a harsh truth but that's the reality of what you're doing to yourself hun.
Please stop now, before it gets any worse <3


MB, thank you so much for your kind and helpful words my darling. It's such a blessing to have you back in this thread, you've got what seems like endless advice and support for all of us who are in the same horrible boat.
Thank you <3
 
I saw "THIN" recently. It was yet another reminder to me that current eating disorder treatment plans simply don't work. It never seems like a good idea to lock a couple dozen eating disordered women, 95% of whom will be competitive about weight with one another, in the same place. I found it interesting that even the women whose ED's will have real-life consequences for others they love, including their own children, went back to the disordered eating behaviors they rely on to cope as soon as they were out of treatment.

If you really want an excellent work on one woman's journey through a life dominated by eating disorders, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher, is an EXCELLENT memoir. She covers why current eating disorder treatment is ineffective in an engaging and intelligent dialog. Anyone else love this book?
 
n3ophy7e said:
...
I have gained 5kg (11lb) in the last 2 months purely from my escalating drinking problem. I've been sick with a cold twice in the last month because I am so malnurished (i.e. I've just been eating shitty carbs, NO fresh food at all for the last month or 2 :|). I just bought heaps of green vegies and some oranges and bananas and yoghurt etc yesterday so I can get the fuck back on track. So that's a start...

But for now I look and feel like complete and utter shit. I am so embarrassed to even walk outside my front door because I think I look so awful. I know it's not actually that bad, like realistically my face is a tiny bit more puffy than usual and I've got a tiny little paunch. But my ED-mind is making me believe that I am morbidly obese 8) ...
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Aahh the curse of winter; I'm right there with you n3o. Putting on a bit of winter-weight myself :( It's the one thing about the cold I don't like - I get massive cravings for carbs. Alcohol certainly doesn't help and it's my biggest vice at the moment too. Don't worry though, I'm sure you could put on 3 times that much weight and still be a stunner. It's only your mind that's telling you otherwise. <3

mrs_mia_wallace said:
I gained a LOT of weight in my rehab... I was treated for my ED by a therapist that came in and worked with me and I got put on restoration... I gained like thirty pounds.

I started having a lot of problems with purging recently... I eat normally through the day and then at night I binge and purge... I've never been bulimic before, so this is weird for me.
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That's funny, I had much the same progression. 4-5 years of anorexia and when I started putting weight back on again, and the subsequent weight yo-yoing, it was only then that I started binging and purging :( If I had any good advice I'd give it, but I don't sorry. Best to listen to midnight baby <3

jackie jones said:
I can nearly touch my thumb to my middle finger around my bicep by 1.5in.

Almost there. Another 5lbs and I should be good. Been restricting wickedly the past two weeks...
Click to expand...

Man that's really disheartening to read :( Please don't do this to yourself; if you're like me you'll regret it in 5-10 years time when your health is fucked up in a miriad of ways.
 
^Thank you for your concern, belarki. I ate like a beast today. That said, I exercised very well too.

n3o, I know I am not overweight, technically. I just like to be as thin as possible without looking ill. I do not think I would meet dsm criteria for an eating disorder, but I do not know. I do not like being over 125lbs, or I feel uncomfortable. Normal weight for my height is 180. I am pretty healthy, regardless of my weight. That is a priority.

I am so happy to hear that you are back on track, n3o. I do not want you to be ill.

You are so pretty. Like perfection. So do not think that your body needs modification aside from influence from all healthy foods to keep that beautiful mind well too, okay?

<3
 
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I haven't binged and purged in almost a week (it'll be a week Friday). I binged a couple nights but I didn't purge it... there's no way for me to do it right now in my living quarters which is a God thing. I really wanted to last night but couldn't so for now that's stopping me.
 
I've been struggling these past few days. Something that started out harmless enough on the weekend was exacerbated, and I've realised how important it is for me to stay in a stable eating routine. If I deviate it's too easy to slip off the rails and it all snowballs until I'm feeling that familiar desperation and depression.

I've also realised since starting work full-time again after my brief period of study, that I still get anxious when having to eat in a public place by myself. If I'm in a cafe or restaurant with my partner I'm fine and it's the most natural and enjoyable thing in the world - but if I'm there alone I get an overwhelming anxiety and fear that just grips me. To the point where I will avoid going in and skip meals. :\

Thankfully I have a loving and 200% supportive partner who is never scared by my occasional relapses. He deals with my crazy in the most non-judgemental and caring ways. Part of my healing involves being completely honest with him about my eating - not because he forces me to, because I want to. It helps immensely. :)

I'm thinking of calling him if I need to go and have a meal alone in a public place, just so I can hear his reassuring voice - even for 5 minutes. I hope that helps enough for me to get through this. I hate feeling helpless after being strong for such a long time.
 
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