Another thing about this is certain people just don't trust others, and this is one of the biggest factors in addicts. Some people rely on others to get through their life, they need the people around them to make them feel good and if the people around them are making them feel bad then they will just not stop trying to solve that problem. They trust people and think goodness is something everybody can attain and everybody deserves, so the addict in their life becomes a missing piece of their puzzle that they just have to find and make everything okay again. I think addicts have been hurt, and have seen the ugliness of the world, and have decided that this world is messed up and unfair and some of its puzzles will just never be solved and just don't care about being a living example of that idea for the more naive people of the world. I worry about people in my life, but I don't see things in that much of a moralistic way as I've gone through my 20s. It seems like nobody knows what the fuck they're doing and even happy people and normal people are participating in this big game where we pretend that we're part of something productive and good, and when you try to call it out and start to see that it's all just manipulation they get mad and don't want you to burst their bubble lest they confront the big meaningless mess we're in. I think drugs are the ultimate way to drop out of the game if you choose to see it as a total farce, and that's how I happen to see it lately. It feels disrespectful when they want you to play the game because they're unable to see why certain types of people are fed up with it and got a raw deal. When I'm deep in it it feels like the braver thing is to isolate myself and have a strike from reality, and feel emotions that are just inside my brain, not dependent on the mess we've all been forced into. Seems cowardly from the outside, but some people have just had enough and would rather disappoint the people they care about than pretend to care about a meaningless cruel and manipulative civilization. I just can't for the life of me see this world as a good thing, it is all about pleasing yourself by manipulating others, or if you're not as ambitious or cruel or perceptive, being manipulated and pleasing others. Neither way feels particularly noble, neither does living in a drugged out fantasy world where you don't care about your part in the world. But it's yours alone, and you don't need to engage with humanity to get the chemicals your brain is designed to crave. Feels like cheating which is kind of enticing if you don't like the game you're playing or feel you're above it. Drugged up rant over, thanks for considering this big ass wall of text. I still try to make the people around me happy, I'm a people pleaser through and through and try to bring laughs and happiness and helpfulness to everybody at work and in my life. But for whatever reason I draw a hard line when it comes to them wanting me to be happy myself for their own happiness. I can't help but think that insisting somebody think a certain way, even if it's to save their life or out of genuine concern, is just a way of them ignoring that suffering really is the bigger half of the human experience, like life is so good that everybody should love it and if they want out then they just don't understand it as well as they do.
Do you think your coke usage is moderate? Seems like it's not. I've never been into coke too much, opioids are more my thing, I'm happier and more social on them too. I love the feeling but it's just unsustainable.
