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Does anyone else NOT talk to their parents?

jobe28

jobe28

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 5, 2011
Messages
261
Location
QLD, Australia
Hello. This is a bit of a awkward topic. But basically I just want to ask everyone what their relationships are with their parents. Mine personally is non-existent. The last time I talked to them they just guilt-tripped me into thinking i didnt see them enough, and were just generally really needy and annoying.

I want to have a relationship with them, but I also feel like why should I if I straight up just dont like them. They have no friends and I think their relationship sucks. I dont want to be like them.

I feel like Id be sending them the wrong message if I was to start talking to them again, because i dont want to reinforce their behaviour.

I feel like a relationship with your parents is meant to be based on respect and appreciation for them (and the example theyve set for you), but Id be lying if i said i felt that way about them.

I should probably be more compassionate and overlook their flaws and stuff and stop trying to change them, right?
But again I feel like why should I speak to them? Do they get a free-pass "just because theyre my parents"?

I feel confused..
 
Dude I totally get what you're saying. My mum and dad git a devorce when I was 10 (I'm 24 now) and my dad lives in Germany. I lived with my mother through my teenage years and she made it very difficult for my father to see us. Met my dad when I was 18 and my mother has always loathed the fact we're together when I visit him overseas.
My point is that after 14 years shes still living in the past, hating my father having an affair ( he's not even with that same woman anymore).

The thing is that my mother is a difficult person. She makes me feel guilty for almost everything and plays mind games. I can't speak my mind to her because she always hits back to me what happened all those years ago. She isn't speaking to me at the minute and strangly its actually theraputic having my own life in peace. I'm using the time she's away to become independent again. I'm struggling with money and not much food but having that and going through it without help is actually nice for.

My point here us that maybe we both need to tell our parents to lay and stop having expectations of us. I don't know you're life but I think its time for me to just live my life and for my mum to accept I won't be around all the time. I'm at college heading for university and I've done that without my parents. They've done what they needed to do. I'm a functionng human being but for some reason my father sees that but my mother has never once praised that.
 
its mature to make an effort to be nice to be your parents

what did they do for you? make you, raise you, feed you, put up with your bs, pay for your schooling fees, drive you everywhere etc etc

i dont talk to my dad much, talk to my mum sometimes, but its difficult to relate to them
 
thing is that i ALWAYS find it strange when people dont speak to their family, it just screams out that either the childhood was awful or the person is cold and callous.

what it shows me is that if i look after you and treat you well you might show me no regard whatsoever so when i hear "i dont speak to my family..." i ask questions and try to look okay with it but i am out that door fast. and i know two people who's mothers had socipathic mums and even they talk to the crazy grannies even though its probably not in their best interest to.
 
Let's say you do keep your parents out of your life. What happens a few years down the line when old-age catches up with them and they require care full-time? Even if you're no longer in contact, it seems likely that someone in your family will track you down and say "hey, your parents are blind and doddering, what are you gonna do about it?" Seems to me like simply not talking to them is a bandaid solution that puts off the inevitable. If you truly want them out of your life, I'm guessing you would have to prepare to cut everyone in the family out of your life and make it impossible for them to even contact you or know exactly where to find you. You'd have to give up your claim to inheritance, probably move to another country where there's some added opacity to obscure your identity from anyone trying to find you. I guess you really have to examine if your parents have SUCH a negative influence on your life that it's worth going somewhere else and starting over without any family.
 
My parents are divorced and I still talk to my mom but I don't have a relationship with my dad anymore. We've talked only a handful of times in the last decade with the last time being maybe 3 years ago. We never had a falling out or anything I just got tired of being the only one that made an effort to talk so I decided that if he wanted to talk to me he could call me, he didn't so I didn't. I would really like to talk to him seeing as he is now 65 years old but I just can't get myself to make the call...it would just be too awkward after all this time.
 
Yeah it's definitely strange but, often times, there is a good reason why people don't talk to their parents.
If that's what is best, then that's perfectly fine.
 
Bob Funkhouse said:
If I had to be judgemental and apportion blame I would probably assume that the parent is at fault.
Click to expand...

well why then have the people with the worst parents i have heard of still kept in contact?

i'm talking about potential love interests of mine with regards to not in contact with parents cos every friend i have still chats to their parents. every single one to varying degree's

one of my friends wasn't talking to her mum when i met her and i convinced her to put the shit in the past and now the mum looks after her baby at times and even though they are up and down its better than having no support. she even has got chatting to her dad in the last year who by all accounts was a dick, i didn't encourage this or know but its good in a sense.

i dunno- my family is important to me. some of the people who told me they didn't speak to their parents really didn't provide any solid justifications and that's a lot weirder than "my stepdad used to rape me and my mum knew and told me to shut up and chucked me out on the streets at 15 and i ended up on heroin" which did happen.
 
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my parents are divorced, they divorced when i was like 12.
i have not talked to them or seen them in like 4 years..and thats including all of my whole family too.
its because of bad childhood issues and resentments, i hate them but deep down inside i love them and i want to see them again and show them love and to be loved back but they dont love me and i want to call them but they changed their numbers so i cant even do that now.
 
I am the same way with my parents, all of my family actually. Basically it all started when I was in highschool when my girlfriend (now wife) and I met and started going out. They did not like her because, well, she was white and not of the same religion. Nobody in my family liked her and as our relationship progressed further and further, my relationship with my family completely deteriorated further and further. I talk to them maybe once every six months or so? They ask me to come over but I never go because I know my wife isn't invited there and its just plain awkward.

/rant

But i totally get what you feel like and there are many other people out there that probably feel the same way and feel ashamed to talk about it. You're not the only one, trust me.
 
I survived a truly awful childhood and do not speak to them. It's been many years. There was physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Only my mother is still alive (I think). My father drank/chain_smoked himself to death.

thujone:
What happens a few years down the line when old-age catches up with them and they require care full-time? Even if you're no longer in contact, it seems likely that someone in your family will track you down and say "hey, your parents are blind and doddering, what are you gonna do about it?"
Click to expand...

You gave me an idea. If that ever happens, I will scout out the worst, abusive, most failing, 1-star rated, vermin-infested nursing home on the planet for her. She is racist, especially against blacks, and she hates immigrants as well. I'll make sure it's a home where most of the nurses and aids are Haitian or Somali or something immigrants. Too bad my father is already dead. Thanks thujone!
 
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pofacedhoe said:
one of my friends wasn't talking to her mum when i met her and i convinced her to put the shit in the past and now the mum looks after her baby at times and even though they are up and down its better than having no support. she even has got chatting to her dad in the last year who by all accounts was a dick, i didn't encourage this or know but its good in a sense.
Click to expand...
I think youre right. I think ill try and slowly start talking to them again.

I really feel like it was helpful to get some space from them. Its been a couple of years now. Hopefully well be able to start fresh. Maybe set some new boundaries and be more upfront with things from now on. Cuz honestly i do want a relationship with them.

livingbeing1989 said:
I would really like to talk to him seeing as he is now 65 years old but I just can't get myself to make the call...it would just be too awkward after all this time.
Click to expand...

Thats how I feel too
 
I don't talk to my dad. I respect him, but we cant be in the same room due to differing opinions so I avoid him as much as possible which is hard given that him and my mother are both retired and spend ALL their time together, so to see her I need to see him.
 
I personally do not have or understand this need that people seem to have about keeping in contact with their parents.

These comments about 'owing' them etc - why should we owe them anything?
 
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Am I allowed to share a poem I found by 'Philip Larkin' 1922-80
THIS BE THE VERSE

They fuck you up your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
------------------------------------------------


:)
 
I don't think you owe anyone anything and that goes for your parents, too--whether it was a good relationship or not.

In the case of terrible abuse the abused should never have to continue a relationship with the abuser but carrying the hatred inside is a continuation of the abuse--it continues to hurt the victim.

In the case of normally flawed and fallible parenting, acceptance of your parents humanity is directly related to acceptance of your own. I have observed that the people in my life that have strained and dysfunctional relationships with their parents often have the same relationship with themselves (again, this does not apply when there was actual abuse). Developing self acceptance and compassion for yourself is the hardest thing to do but it comes through developing the same for others, starting with those that had the most influence on your development.

In my case, I had loving and wonderful parents but there was a time when my father and I could not speak at all (based on different world views, etc). I don't regret that time but I am very grateful that I came to see him as much more than his political and social views. He, along with everyone else in my family that I disagree with frequently and vehemently over religion, politics, humanist views etc, have always had each others backs in times of crisis. Over my lifetime I have developed friends that I can count on as well in that way but these are my people, my tribe of like-minded people, which makes it easier. It is an incredible bond when those that don't share the same views and values still come out to support you and care for you in crisis because there is a love that runs deeper than ideas or lifestyles. I can respect that and have learned to be grateful for it.
 
i dont have any kind of relationship with my parents either. i feel like they were never in love and the only reason they stayed married is because they had kids together. they never set a good example of what a relationship or a family should be like. neither of them had a clue how to be a parent, and honestly i feel like my life would be anything but positive if i continued seeing them. no one gets a "free pass" just because theyre your family. if they want a place in your life, they can earn it.
 
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