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Divorce

morpher001 said:
You seem to have made many life decisions for yourself already. You should know within a few dates if you are on the same page, if not then don't wait around for the inevitable disappointment.

An observation nothing more; one of your ex's cheated on you and the rest wanted to play the field after a while. On you list of life objectives above you mention money, career, long term relationships and an established home. How high on your list of objectives is maintaining a healthy sex life?
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Oh, I've made many dumb choices. I admit to that fully. As one of my coworkers said about me and his own dating habits, I need to focus on people within my socio-economical status.
 
Lysis said:
I need to focus on people within my socio-economical status.
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It is one of the things I have learned from this past relationship.

I am surrounding myself with people who are childless, like to travel, crave new experiences, and have the money to do it.
Thus so far I have Cancun, Toronto, and Washington DC booked and paid for.
 
Perpetual Indulgence said:
It is one of the things I have learned from this past relationship.

I am surrounding myself with people who are childless, like to travel, crave new experiences, and have the money to do it.
Thus so far I have Cancun, Toronto, and Washington DC booked and paid for.
Click to expand...

Yep, I have a feeling we are somewhat similar, and it's hard at a certain age to find men who aren't already married and don't have a massive amount of baggage (bitter ex-wives and kids), and who aren't bitter themselves. Of the tiny percentage who fall into this category, there is usually something wrong with them as I have found out the hard way dating someone who did fall into this category. Fuck me..he's a lawyer..jesus, I thought he'd have some kind of sense of responsibility, but I guess not. Even then he decided he didn't want to be a lawyer and basically relies on me for everything and makes maybe $200/week. And we're talking about a pack a day smoker, so I was kinda expecting him to cut down on smoking to make up for the loss of income, but nope, he still smokes a pack to a pack and a half a day, and then goes through a ton of beer. This has been going on for over 6 months, so it's not like I haven't given him any time. Jesus fucking christ, can I catch a break? lol No credit cards, no car, no money, and no sex. I would do better with the 20 year old college kid. He's pretty much at that level. If you don't want to be a lawyer at 37, ok, but guess what? You either need to go back to school or get that minimum wage job and start over. If that's what you want, great, but DO SOMETHING with yourself.

My problem (and perhaps yours, too) is that if the guy doesn't have his head on straight and starts mooching off of me, I lose respect for him. Once I lose respect, it's just done and it won't come back. After a loss of respect, I need them to give me space or I start making comments I don't want to make. I need stability, and I'm not sure what happened with my generation, but there are a lot of moochers out there. How the hell do you get to 30 and still have 0 clue how to stand up on your own two feet? How does one accomplish this? lol
 
Unfortunately, I cannot truly move on (thinking about someone else) until the divorce is final this summer.
GET RID OF THAT MAN If YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.

I know what I want and I look forward to the adventure of finding it. My tolerance level for bullshit is at an all time low. My internal happiness is high. I hope not to have any horror stories but will be sure to share if I do!
 
Lysis: You aren't going to find the right person by checking off a list to see if they fit.

You also aren't going to meet anyone if you don't take some chances and move out of your comfort zone. Life begins outside of your comfort zone.

Me? I could give a shit about socio-economic whatever. From dust to dust we are. All the material incidentals don't feed and nourish my spirit.

:)
 
^I'd have to agree on the comfort zone thing :)

I was married for 8 years and left a year and a few months ago.
I'm over the relationship, but have been PICKY PICKY about investing energy into a relationship/another person.
So, I haven't. :D
Friends and family have gotten onto me about it in recent times (okay, for a long time lol) and I am finally recognizing that I NEED to step out of my comfort zone, let down the walls I've built up.
I didn't want to let 'just any' guy in and in doing that, I closed myself off to all possibilities.
I've been going through a really difficult time in my life (not marriage or ex related) and it made me wake up.....
Take your time PI, but be sure to live it up when the time is right- and you'll know when the time is right :)
Divorce is painful and difficult, even when it is exactly what you want and the right thing for everyone..... it is also the opportunity for happiness, if you take it. :)
 
I am filing June 21 and sent him this email today.

I said that coming home was an option on Monday in our text correspondence but in my heart and mind I know it no longer is. The dynamic of our relationship is forever changed in a negative way. I would still want a divorce if you came home in order to feel protected. A protection that I used to feel when I was with you. It would take a while, maybe years, before I stopped feeling insecure. Dreading the possibility that you would leave me again. Threatening to take what little money I have. Feeling pressure to have a child I do not want. I can't do that again.

All the good things I want back that I had with you I can have with another person without the underlying layer of hurt, anger, and mistrust. I wanted to express this now rather than later when the possibility of you saying I want to come back to you only to be denied. I do not want to set you back in your mental recovery. I hope that being near your family is as helpful as you said it was when you left me for the holidays. I hope you find the strength and clarity to return to being the wonderful person you are. I hope that you find a woman who can take care of you better than I could. I am sorry I could not be everything you needed.

Just as you thought leaving me would be the best thing for you I feel that not allowing myself to be hurt again by you is the best thing for me.

I love you. I appreciate the personal growth I have achieved by being in a relationship with you. You were the catalyst to me becoming who I am today. I am grateful.

He sent me a text Monday and he is still all kinds of fucked up in the head which is no longer and shall no longer be my problem. He welcomed me home from vacation and said I deserved it. I haven;t been to a resort in 5 years...our honeymoon. I stopped worrying about how he feels mentally after he left me. Financially it is tough for me. Of course it would not be if I wasn't giving him under $800/month as part of our separation agreement until Dec 31. I have to keep reminding myself that I have everything I need I just can't buy what I want. I would have to but lawn care supplies/tools/machines (as he took everything) on credit to keep up with the outdoor maintenance. A payment I cannot afford. I hope my neighbours understand lol I am eating what I can afford not what I would like and pissed off about it daily. I need to let that go as anger leads to ugly.
 
5 years. That's how long I lasted in mine.

I think you made the right decision, PI. You can't let someone keep fucking with your head (I want you, I don't, I want you, I don't). Been there done that and as hard as it is to say "No more," Looks like you're much stronger than I was when I tried one more time and got crushed.

Being pissed is tough. I can usually hold it in for someone I love until they pull something like what you're going through and I gotta let it out. lol

At first, I thought I made a horrible mistake, but after a while even with my bad dating decisions, I just know that he wasn't right for me. He's a great guy, but I just couldn't live with him, so I think you are right about not trusting him. I wouldn't be able to deal with the yoyo either.
 
We were married a little over 5 years too. If I allowed him to come back, I would expect him to pay for his own bills and any debt he incurred during his hiatus. He is going to lose health care as well as dental after the divorce as my employer pays for it. He would have to get 2 or 3 jobs to keep up and really I am better off financially (in 2013) without him. I had to think....is that the kind of partner I want anymore with a side order of mental instability? I think not. Here's to a quick divorce hearing!!!
 
Even if you allowed him back, I think it would ultimately end, or alternatively create a lot of mutual resentment. The issue of children is too big to get around. You don't want them and he wants them (and hopefully will be healthy enough mentally to be a good father). Those are two very different lives each of you wants to lead. If you stay married, one of you will have to diverge too far from his or her chosen path. It would be a kind of forced marriage where the benefits were outweighed by the costs.
 
when i first spoke to my attorney, i told him i still had hope that maybe things could be salvaged.

he told me flat out, that once the divorce process gets started, it's damn near impossible to reconcile. that was a rough day for me, because the statement he made, made sense. and at the time, i still couldn't believe we were actually going to go through with the divorce.

he was absolutely right. once the divorce got moving, i decided i wanted nothing to do with her anymore, and while some days were easier than others, things gradually got easier.

walk up the hill and don't look back, friend. you'll be better off. i'm now 9 months divorced, happier than i ever was in my marriage, and certainly better off financially.
 
Anger is part of the process but soon you will be able to let go completely and move forward just for you. You have a light at the end of your tunnel, you are suffering a bit now (but at least it's exclusive to your wants rather than including the things you need as well) but you will be back on your feel before you know it. Time passes quickly in the company of family and good friends. The more you can keep yourself distracted then the less time you have to dwell.

Your future is wide open, bright, and hopeful, there's nothing you can't do. You're a hot momma with a great personality :) Hang in there <3
 
Thank you. I feel confident with each stage I that I am going through. It has been quick to get to the positive every time I think about how I feel during this time. The alternative is ridiculous. It is unacceptable. I am not one to go fetal, unresponsive, and fixating on what goodness was lost. I am more apt to choke a bitch which isn't good either. My motivation during shit times in my life has been rooted in anger. I am working on that. I have been to therapy years ago for it ;)

I continuously get congratulated by my friends and the co-workers that know that I am getting a divorce. Their reinforcement as well as yours my BL people is instrumental <3 Who doesn't like praise for a job well done?

I don't get the hang in there, pff. Is that the joke? Is it because my tits look like fried eggs on a tack?
Hahhahahaahaa
 
Pretty sure it's cuz they called you mama, which is ironic, considering how badly you want to be a mom.
 
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