Diary of self destruction

[vision conquest]

OK so I have never done this before so after many, many years of rampant substance use and the accompanying self destruction I thought I would give it a go and see if it helps me in any way, even if it is just documenting the actual substance use....perhaps when compared to others it may not actually be that rampant.
I also wonder if it might keep me more accountable, because if there's one thing I excel at, as do most addicts it's self denial and just generally convincing myself that things aren't all that bad.

So I'll start with my age...I am currently 52....born in 1974.

This is how my day went today.

I got out of bed at about 7:30am, feeling pretty seedy as I took to much bromazolam last night.
When I start taking to much bromaze I start to experience the amnesia that benzo's can produce, so I couldn't say exactly how much I took, I think it was either 9mg or 12mg.

Either way I wasn't feeling great, so I grabbed my bottle of methadone, I had a take home for today so that was a bonus.
So down the hatch with 60mg of methadone, I try to be on the lowest dose of methadone that keeps me stable/comfortable but I rarely use other opioids to get over my dose, if I'm on an appropriate dose I mostly feel good as long as I am not playing up with other substances, which is not the case right now.

So my day starts with 60mg of methadone, I have been up and down on my dose over the 26 years I've been on it but 60mg is about where I sit most of the time.

After drinking my dose I get started on the second beverage of the day...my morning coffee.

By the time I've made my morning coffee my dose is kicking in and I'm starting to feel ok.

So to go with my morning coffee I also take a couple of hits on my weed pipe.

This wouldn't be a problem other than the fact that my spiritual beliefs are the number one thing in my life and I made a vow to my God that I would not smoke weed anymore.
In hindsight it was a poor choice to make such a vow because I have absolutely loved my green for nearly 40 years and I just should have known I would not be able to keep that vow without a slip here and there.

As much as I love my herb I cannot smoke it without feelings of guilt and anxiety, which is, of coarse, where the benzo's come in...though to be honest, that surely isn't their only purpose.
By now it's about 9am or so and I have already got 60mg of methadone on board and an nicely toasted thanks to the high grade medicinal weed that is just everywhere these days.

I manage to have some breakfast at around 10am and I potter around the house trying to fill in time until I can drop some bromazolam which I finally do at around 2pm.

My wife arrives home at this point and lets me know a visitor will be popping around shortly with a few points of some meth that is supposed to be very good.

Normally I would pass on this as I am more of a downer man than an upper, however I have been known to indulge, particularly if it is good, which this is supposed to be, and I have plenty of bromazolam, already on board, and more on hand if needed.

Now the list is starting to get a little more interesting...60mg of methadone...some seriously filthy weed and now 3mg of bromazolam, taken about half an hour ago, and it's this which I blame for my decision to have a couple of puffs when the rock arrives.

Ther's no doubt it's good rock, I can feel the tingle start at the back of my head and work it's way down my spine. To make things even better there isn't a hint of anxiety that usually comes with my adventures with the glass pipe.
I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it appears I can have a few sweet puffs if I already have some bromazolam on board, likely this would work with any benzo but bromaz is my current favourite and that's as good a reason I need to use it.

Ok that was my day from getting up around 7am and it is 6:20pm as I type this...I have had a couple more puffs on the sweet puff and I'm sure I will finish the day with another 3mg of bromaz.

That my day on Monday the 15th of June 2026
Just as a side note, I am on testosterone replacement, mirtazapine at 30mg each night and perindoprile 8mg daily

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Don't understand the problem, are you concerned about your drug intake? or your spiritual beliefs making a commitment to your god about quitting? if the latter is true I wouldn't worry about it. My understanding about god for those who believe, god knows you better than yourself. Why did you vow to stop smoking weed? Was it causing you harm or making you feel guilty? Why feel guilty for smoking weed? Back in the day if I felt I was doing something wrong I might feel guilty, however, these days I don't see anything wrong with smoking weed other than it does not agree with my system so I don't smoke.

 

[vision conquest]

Day two

An early start today, got up at 4am.
As I have mentioned my spirituality is the most important thing in my life right now, really it always has been, it's only recently that I believe my eyes were opened to the truth and I have seen real changes in my life since the day that happened.

Really the only negative quality that I seriously struggle with anymore is substance abuse.
When I say substance use is a negative quality I am referring to myself and myself alone.
To use the old narcotics anonymous cliche, I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Since having my spiritual revelation the outbursts of anger have 99% gone....the immoral sexual thoughts/acts have stopped pretty much entirely, I have genuinely forgiven anybody that wronged me over the years and there were some full on ones in that category, however I can absolutely say I hold no grudges against anyone.
I try to live my life according to the law of love, which means I genuinely try to treat others the way I would like them to treat me, I do my absolute best not to judge anybody, I actually think that for those of us who have had or still have substance use problems this is something that isn't that hard to do.

The one thing that I still battle with pretty much every day is my substance abuse disorder.

To illustrate....today I am up at 4am because we have a Bible study group with members from all over the world and the time we settled on that would make it possible for all our members means we start at 5am in Brisbane.

So I'm up at 4am, taking my methadone at about 4:15am, then 3mg of bromazolam at 4:30 and at about 4:45 I have a hit on the glass pipe....not a big one but still by 5am I've had my 60mg of methadone, 3mg of bromazolam and a hit of methamphetamines.
At 5am my meeting starts and I spend too much time thinking about what I was doing over the previous hour.
Our meeting finishes around 6:30 and I crash out for a bit of sleep, I am awakened at 11:30 by one of our support workers knocking at the door....man that's right it's the third Tuesday of the month which is the day that myself and my wife hold a group for visually impaired people in the local area .

Every third Tuesday of the month we get together with any visually impaired people that want to come along and we have lunch at our local leagues club, it goes for an hour or two and even though I was not feeling up to it I still went.

Now here is where this day starts getting interesting.

We get home about 1:45pm and my wife can see that there is a parcel in the mail box, I try to contain my excitement, I am expecting some goodies but wasn't expecting them until more like Thursday or even Friday.

As soon as she hands me the package I instantly know my goodies have come early.

I'm not expecting a big order but 500mg of bromazolam and a sample of what is claimed to be high purity S ketamine.

I already have my methadone, bromaz and some very nice methamphetamine on board so I'm thinking I probably shouldn't add to this list, however the things I've heard about the k are already going round and round in my head.

I open the parcel with the dexterity and care of a professional safe cracker and to my delight find that the sample of k is about 750mg.

Well that seals it, I'll have to have a little bump now.

I dissolve about half of the crystals/needles in about 4ml of water and once it has dissolved completely I use a 3ml barrel to transfer the solution into an empty nasal spray bottle.

I have done some experiments and know that 4ml of water will give about 25 sprays, so assuming I had 350mg of k in the solution then each spray will give about 10-15mg of k.

I know that without using a quality mg scale this will not be an exact measurement but with a substance like ketamine I figure a few mg under or over won't make that much difference.

Now I get comfortable and prepare to assess the quality of this k.
One pump in the right followed by another in the left nostril and I wait.
I think this is the best way to do k, I know it doesn't work for all substances for which insuflation is the most common roa but in my opinion it's the go for k.
The amount delivered by one spray makes it easy to avoid the drip to early and I gave it about 10min before repeating the process.
Just as I was about to go for my second bump I could feel it coming up nicely and after having the second spray up each nostril I was expecting things to get a bit messy....I was not disappointed.

Using my maths regarding dose my second bump would have put me somewhere between 40-60mg and within 10 minuts of my second bump it was very apparent that this was indeed some very good k.

The sensible thing to do would have been to leave it there, however I've never been very good at making sensible choices and when I have bromazolam on board the chances of making that sensible decision become even less likely.

True to form I didn't make the sensible decision and decided to have another bump of k.

Within 10 minutes of my third bump things were getting very messy...walking was very challenging so I at least made the sensible decision not to continue to try and I collapsed onto my lounge and enjoyed some intense physical euphoria for an hour or so.
Luckily my set and setting were very good because if you were to ask me where I was I would have had no chance of answering correctly. I have never been in the k hole before but I feel I must have been very close to it and this was from a dose of between 60-90mg so that indicates that it must have been some pretty top shelf k....I will be getting some more asap.

To make sure I got some sleep I dosed another 3mg of bromazolam at about 7pm. this did indeed do the job and I crashed out at around 11pm after taking my mirtazapine at around 10pm.

The dosages were pretty conservative, however the list of substances was pretty extensive...methadone 60mg...bromazolam 6mg....methamphetamine, couldn't say the dose but even though it was only a small quantity, it was very high quality....S-ketamine, approximately 80mg.

This was on a day that was supposed to be a day focussed on spirituality...hopefully next week will be better.