December Getting/Staying Sober Thread v. Reflections.

[CoReCoNTAX]

Today is my 16th day clean and sober off everything...I got out of rehab just over a week ago (it was my first experience in rehab) I wad mainly using opiates daily but towards the peak of my habit I was on all sorts and it wasnt until I gave up and threw all my drugs away that I realized how bad it had got...I was using GBL, Ketamine, Benzos, Alcohol, Heroin and prescription opiates aswell as Hash..and this was daily..I still grieve when I think of the good times and throwing all those drugs away but im really fucking glad that im out of that hellhole. I go to CA, + NA meetings when possible but not enough. Some days I feel great Iv got my self back, my family and girl back and I love and appreciate these people unconditionally..but when the darkness hits me I still want to lock myself up and use till I drool and fall asleep. The gym keeps me. Motivated and to take it day by day helps. But it aint fuckin eazy, best regards to all of u in the same boat.

 

[Jabberwocky]

its funny cuz this year I am actually going to have money to spend. this will be the first year in a while. i sometimes just stare at my bank account and i imagine what it COULD HAVE looked like. w/o me using now it blows my mind how little money i spend daily. or sometimes ill go to a mall and spend $100 on clothes and see what I bought and think back to how I'd spent $200 on dope and it would be gone in 3 hours. i sit here and just think back and it blows my mind to think of the junkie i was/was becoming. life has been different and it doesnt revolve around this one drug all day long. from the minute i woke up, to the minute i scored, to the minute i shot, to the minute i scored again, and then to the minute i nodded. those were my days then. it makes me sick to even think back what i did.

 

[stardust.hero]

That is inspiring BBT

Day 105 for me

 

[Jabberwocky]

keep up the good work; I am right there w/ you. not too many days ahead but my confidence and life are at an all new HIGH! I feel I can make it in this world and I am on the right path; no more pure destruction and death. that is NOT me. it should have never been me but life through me a few curve balls and I decided take the PUSSY way out.

 

[Just A Guy]

How does everyone feel they were for 2013?

Went into it with a lot of bad habits, am on my way out of it with a lot less.

2013 was for sure an interesting year... It's been good meeting a lot of you. I went through my old message history, and damn if it isn't a screenplay to a downward spiral that would have ended tragically if I hadn't done something about it.

The first time, a decade ago, when I turned and ran away from methamphetamine, it seemed easy. I was younger. Seems like it was easier to bounce back then. This time around, with different stimulants and psychedelics, it's been a lot more gradual, especially for getting my mind back to where I can look forward, inspired, and w/ delight. Excited about 2014, though!

 

[j_rod]

4th day failure

I have been trying to kick oxy for several monrhs now. I can get through most of the initial 3 to 4 days of physical w/d. But I get overwhelmed with this anxious nervous jittery almost energy. It is mind breaking to the point I use. This has been my pattern when I go cold turkey. This last detox those feelings were intensified. I think that the sub I dosed Sunday could have added to the this, idk. I'm starting the process again. I have some gabipenten 300mg I plan on taking in 2 or 3 days if i can't sleep, and im going to try to get clonidine for my legg misery. In 4 days I may need something to help get over this overwhelming cravings nervousness. I've found that I can deal with this condition when im home but I have to work monday through friday. Starting the detox now will put me at the 4 day mark over the weekend and I can take off Monday. Does anyone have these feelings and what may help concur this. It is truely the hardest thing im batteling. I don't have a doctor or insurance now so meds are tough to come by. Also I made an appointment with an addictions clinic for the 12/23. First available slot. They are not methadone or sub maintenance.. I really don't know what is offered there, but after my rant today I know clinical support wouldn't hurt. Any thoughts or suggestions ?

 

[ad lib]

That's great you made an appointment with the clinic. Since they don't offer medications, perhaps it'll be something like counseling?

To help ease withdrawal, how do you feel about using clonidine and a benzo (benzo just at night)? I've been heard that helps

You've got this. I'm on day 3 of no opiates after a relapse after I was sober since march.. God the cravings are killing me too. But try to remember that we truly are stronger than all those chemicals. Fake it til we make it.

 

[laCster]

87 days today! i had a really good day today! i hope everyone is doing well

 

[j_rod]

I haven't tried any benzos.. the gabapentin has worked the couple times I've used it to get to sleep. How do you think a benzo would work during the day. It's at work when these anxious feelings are killing me.

 

[stardust.hero]

87 days today! i had a really good day today! i hope everyone is doing well

So happy to see you posting in here LaC, I didn't know you had so many days until you recently posted it. I know you were a frequenter in other use threads but it was such a pleasant surprise to see you in here. You are a huge inspiration!

Whew, it's been a hectic past 3 weeks, sorry for the lack of comments, I just now had time to go back and reread everyones progress. I had a friend stay with me for 2 weeks and then this weeks been the week from hell so I've been a bit slack on the replies, sorry guys. So glad to see we have our crew all manned up to battle December.

I know for myself and my family we're going hard and we're approaching the breaking point, in a good way. I know happiness is just around the bend. So keep on keepin' on I will .

Anyways, love you all! See you tomorrow with our next day

 

[ad lib]

I haven't tried any benzos.. the gabapentin has worked the couple times I've used it to get to sleep. How do you think a benzo would work during the day. It's at work when these anxious feelings are killing me.

If your anxiety is worse during the day, then take it then Try talking to your doctor about getting on a long lasting anti anxiety like diazepam or clonazepam. You want something with a long half life. Just make sure you're on it short term though. I made the mistake of using my alprazolam long term when I was craving opiates and ending up replacing my opiate addiction with a heavy benzo habit I'm still trying to break.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

87 days today! i had a really good day today! i hope everyone is doing well

I'm proud of you man!!!

I wish I could say the same thing

 

[Jabberwocky]

today is only day 105 for me but it's a new life, a new meaning a new ALL. I've always admitted that I still smoke weed and take benzo when necessary since they cut my script once I came forth about being an addiction; but whatever. the dope is no where to be found. I am actually buying my family Christmas gifts. last year I didnt show up for Christmas. I told my GF I was going to my parents so she went to hers. I stay home and picked up a 1/2 once w/ the money I had and blasted away. on xmas day last year my GF came home to me OD'd on the couch w/ a needle in my arm and needles all around my legs. she had no idea I was about to do that; she thought it was just gonna be a normal xmas. it ended up being the worst xmas of her life. I just didnt want to live anymore; the drug took off my life. I'd shoot and feel good for about 5 minutes. so then I'd shoot more and more and more. but I could never "feel good". I'd shot till my body couldnt function and I would nod off into space and OD. I hated my life, my place in life and how I was acting/living. I've always kept this so private to myself and would not tell friends/family (although they knew) how often I came CLOSE to saying GOODBYE to all. then the day finally hit when I flat lined due to a dope/coke/benzo shot that worked fine but I was convinced it didnt and reshot 15 minutes later w/ a LOAD of dope and coke. BYE BYE MATT! I was OUT. rushed to hospital, awoken by them and stayed there for a while. well. I have them to thank that I am still alive and sober today. truly grateful for the life I am living and the money I have set aside. but, I still go through alot of went happened in the past. I am in the middle of a bankruptcy claim, which is FINE BY ME cuz I am FUCKING SOBER. I ran over 50k in debt every way you can possibly think of to buy the amounts of dope I was doing.

I am truly thankful for god and myself and my OD. it brought me back to who I really am. people see me and ask how come I look so much younger. ill tell you now, DOPE PUTS AGE on you. it makes you go from being 30 to 40 quickly. it puts you down in a while w/ no place to go. it almost had me but I refuse to even think I will EVER have a problem again. dont care how cocky it sound but that dope ruined me and it will NEVER ruin me again. fuck that.

 

[VanWeyden]

day 10 without heroin!

feels f***king good to regain control in my life.

 

[ad lib]

So. Fucking. Triggered.

God I fucking hate my life.

 

[neversickanymore]

^ addiction is fucked.. it makes us want what will never happen again.. those craving whisper i will make you feel amazing.. they lie.. when you just went back and tested the water it wasn't what you remembered was it. yeah it might have been ok for a minute but that minute was over quick and then the pool started to look just like the myre that you threw your all into and were able to navigate out of months ago.. don't listen to her nonsense. she lies.. dont get played by that slut.. Throw back into her face what it will really be like.


Addiction is defined as “a chronic relapsing condition characterized by compulsive drug-seeking and abuse and by long lasting chemical changes in the brain.” - MedTerms
The term relapse is the most significant in the definition of addiction. Mark Twain’s famous quote “Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it dozens of times” helps express how addiction becomes a physical and psychological disorder.

"The Three Headed Dragon"
The metaphor of the three headed dragon was first popularized by a therapist in San Francisco. The first head is physical. Addiction is a chronic illness requiring a lifetime of attention. The second head is psychological. Addiction is a disorder with mental, emotional, and behavioural components. And the third head of the dragon is spiritual. Addiction is an
existential state, experienced in isolation from others.

“Chasing the Dragon”
The term “chasing the dragon” is a term used by addicts in an effort to catch the first high they had on their drug of choice. “Because of the
unique reaction that the genetically addiction prone individual experiences to his drug of choice, he or she programs his or herself belief
system with the deep conviction that the substance is ‘good,’” writes Richard Seymour. “This is where self-help becomes intrinsic to recovery. Unless one deals with the third head, unless one changes the
belief system and effects a turning-about in the deepest seat of consciousness, there is no recovery…”

- “The Chemical Carousel”
by Dirk Hanson

when we crave we are given pictures of a lala land that no longer exists if it ever did.

 

[stardust.hero]

I'm proud of you man!!!

I wish I could say the same thing

How are you C.H ?

today is only day 105 for me but it's a new life, a new meaning a new ALL.

Nice we're neck and neck so glad to hear how well you are doing !!

day 10 without heroin!

feels f***king good to regain control in my life.

It really does, congrats man! So much deserved!! Good to see you pop in here .

So. Fucking. Triggered.

God I fucking hate my life.

Aw babe, I hope you feel better soon, you'll make it through this. It's just a minor little bump in the road and it'll pass quick.

^ addiction is fucked..

Exactly Well said .

Day 106 for me

 

[laCster]

So happy to see you posting in here LaC, I didn't know you had so many days until you recently posted it. I know you were a frequenter in other use threads but it was such a pleasant surprise to see you in here. You are a huge inspiration!r

Whew, it's been a hectic past 3 weeks, sorry for the lack of comments, I just now had time to go back and reread everyones progress. I had a friend stay with me for 2 weeks and then this weeks been the week from hell so I've been a bit slack on the replies, sorry guys. So glad to see we have our crew all manned up to battle December.

I know for myself and my family we're going hard and we're approaching the breaking point, in a good way. I know happiness is just around the bend. So keep on keepin' on I will

Anyways, love you all! See you tomorrow with our next day

Thank you so much stardust! It had been a really hard journey and I never thought I'd make it this far but I have! I never thought I was going to get off suboxone and stop shooting coke/meth, I am so glad I did. Some days are harder than others and sometimes I think, "am I truly done using drugs? I am do young." But no matter no what I think I just don't pick up. Lately I have been thinking thy maybe I can just smoke weed and drink a little. Idk life is very confusing but at this point I'm giving myself at being completely sober.

It sounds like you are doing really well stardust it is a pleasure reading your posts and you are an inspiration as well. Keep up the good work as you know everyday sober life gets sober

I'm proud of you man!!!

I wish I could say the same thing

89 days today! You will get there captain, I believe in you. Trust me life gets sooo much better when you are sober. I mean using hardcore drugs everyday and using a needle isn't really living so to speak

 

[shroomster]

Been around 8-9 months for me. I'm starting to fall a part. After a couple of months, staying sober was a breeze. I kept myself really busy, picked up jiu jitsu, and I haven't look back. Until recently. I don't want to slip! I really don't. I can't.

I'm at that stage we are all familiar with in recovery or not where DAT OBSESSION kicks the fuck in. Needles, meth, those other details I wouldn't dare mention on a sobriety forum.. Ah, gawd.

Thank god I'm not surrounded. No, seriously, thank fucking God. Without a doubt, if readily available, I'd likely use. Thankfully, hard drugs users hide in their respective stomping grounds.

 

[shroomster]

^ addiction is fucked.. it makes us want what will never happen again.. those craving whisper i will make you feel amazing.. they lie.. when you just went back and tested the water it wasn't what you remembered was it. yeah it might have been ok for a minute but that minute was over quick and then the pool started to look just like the myre that you threw your all into and were able to navigate out of months ago.. don't listen to her nonsense. she lies.. dont get played by that slut.. Throw back into her face what it will really be like.

exactly right.

So. Fucking. Triggered.

God I fucking hate my life.

I'm there too, man, I'm there too. Do you ever find yourself intentionally triggering yourself, as if to live vicariously through images, stories and videos?