Dealing with severe depression and trying to get clean (supplement/therapy advice)

[beezkneez]

Hi all,

I've been struggling with an opiate addiction for a while now. I had years of clean time under my belt from an OC and heroin addiction and the last few months I've relapsed bad. I can't stop. A lot of things have been going on my life and I can't deal with the stress and depression, so therefore I turn to drugs. It's a bitter cycle and it's killing me.

I've had a lot of trouble trying to find a therapist, or get an appointment in general. They either don't accept my insurance or they're booked up for months to come. I'm still trying...

In the meantime I've been trying different supplements to get my mind right. I have the B-6 and 12, L-tyrosine, 5-htp, milk thistle and just ordered 2 ounces of Kratom to help me kick. I was looking into other "natural" things that could help with my depression. When and if I do get an appointment I don't want to be put on meds unless I really need them. If I do I'd like a mood stabilizer or something, any suggestions? My pre-drug brain wasn't this crazy and depressed. I'm literally at the end of my rope and ready to give up.

Has anyone had any experience with Kava kava or something similar for depression/mood? I also have social anxiety and anxiety in general and I read that it helps with that. I'd love to hear any feedback on what works for you. I hate getting out of bed every morning, miserable, just to fight this dirty fight all over again. I have no energy, or will to live anymore. I seriously have never been so depressed in my entire life and it gets worse everyday. I need something! Even if it's just to talk (I seriously have no one and that's a sad feeling, especially like this) I need help. Please.

 

[Mysterie]

kava kava is not really a good route for anxiety/depression ime

supps i recommend: fish oil, magnesium, rhodelia rhosea, ashwagndha, piracetam n choline

activities : write lists of things you want to accomplish each day and tick them off, do it by priority or chronologically w/e u prefer
swimming/running/sunshine/dog walks

i do recommend you see a psych or a dr you are comfortable talking with, it is a huge help to see things from a different perspective from someone who really listens

 

[beezkneez]

I'm trying hard to get an appointment, I really think it would help since I'm so alone and have no one to talk to or support me through this. It sucks because I've helped many people get clean and have always been there for them and now when I'm crying out for help (not like me at all but I know I'm going to die) everyone abandons me. If no one cares about me then why should I keep going? It's very depressing to my already depressed as fuck mind.

I've heard about piracetam just recently. And the other supplements I haven't added to my routine yet, I will look into getting them. Haven't heard of choline, ashwangndha or rhodelia rhosea. Need to google, haha. Any experience with these and what they're good for? Dosage amounts?

I do try to write a list of things to do but it's mostly just trying not to kill myself. I do need to stay busy but its hard when I dont want to get out of bed. These thoughts of drugs consume my mind and then when I do them I'm 10x more miserable, yet somehow I forget and do them again. I'm in a very bad place. Really, really need help.

 

[Venrak]

I know you have an aversion to taking doctor prescribed medications now, but self-medication is not the way to go with this. Though Kava may have some beneficial affect on you due to anxiolysis interrupting the anxiety/depression cycle, along with possible MAOI properties etc, it is not standardized, and you will not be under supervision of a doctor, who has a great deal more insight on the matter than you or we do. It's hard to try and treat something we don't know the cause of...

I echo that you should consult a medical professional when you can; chances are, you will be pleasantly surprised when you find something (or a combination of things [drugs, lifestyle changes]) that works for you.

 

[Mysterie]

I've heard about piracetam just recently. And the other supplements I haven't added to my routine yet, I will look into getting them. Haven't heard of choline, ashwangndha or rhodelia rhosea. Need to google, haha. Any experience with these and what they're good for? Dosage amounts?

ye piracetam and aniractam help a lot for me with depression because it greases the cogs of ur communication skills and that is whats missing in my life which gets me down
choline citrate is used to supplement piracetam/aniracetam if you are deficient (200mg)

l-theanine is actually really good for a small anti-anxiety and mood boost

ashwagandha is an adaptogenic which builds up over a couple months + which makes your responses to stress much less hectic and better overall

rhodelia rosea is a study aid and cognitive enhancer, its hard to say the effect its had on me bcus i take LOTS of supps, but others have good exp with it in that regard

dnt kill urself you seem chill like the rest of us, work on building self confidence as well, theres a really good thread in TDS i think about that

 

[beezkneez]

Thank you so much for your replies. I literally have no one. I reached out to my boyfriend and he dumped me (really hard bc we basically lived together and now I'm just stuck there in a garbage can full of memories and betrayal). My family has never cared about me and just recently my best friend and grandmother passed away. Everyone else I've reached out to is either disappointed I'm using again (very few know) or have left me because I don't have anything to offer them. I'm usually a very happy, love to laugh and help others kind of person. People see the change in me and know how depressed and negative I am and do nothing to help. I've been trying for weeks to get an appointment with a therapist and every.single.one of them turns me down. Why is it SO hard to get help? I have awesome insurance as well so it doesn't make any sense. I'm considering just going to the ER and admitting myself, I don't think I can handle this weekend. Alone, in an apartment I used to share with the love of my life. Who completely ditches me when I'm at my weakest. I do have a creeper landlord that lives downstairs that is in love with me, I guess that's something. He's part of the reason I hate my life. I want people to love me like I love them. At least ONE person. I hate myself so much that I just don't even care anymore, I just use to kill the pain that is seeping into every aspect of my life. I'm overwhelmed with hurt and it sucks and I don't know how to fix it.

So far as supplements go I take a multi, b6&12, vitamin c, 5htp, milk thistle, l-tyrosine, alpha lipoic acid, probiotics, potassium (have a deficiency) and I do occasionally take cranberry pills but I need to get more. I guess tonight instead of crying I'll go to the health store and see if I can find some of these. I also have the huge battle of withdrawal and coming off these opiates I got a slamming tolerance to. Good job, beez. fuck. I have 2 subs for that later and will taper and whatnot. Right now I just need to wake up tomorrow. I have never ever felt depression like this, it's been weeks. It's draining and now I have a breakup on top of it. I know I'll use again tonight (already have done 2 30s) but I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow better and ready to fight. It would be sooooo much easier if I had support. Just someone to vent to. Something! idk. Sorry for ranting and I appreciate the love and support I've got from you all so far. It really means the world to me because I can not do it alone this time. I won't make it.

So ginko biloba, MotherWort (never have heard of that), piracetam and choline. At least I have plenty of research to do to keep my mind off things for a few hours and go pick up some more supplements. If I have a game plan I will do so much better.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Are you doin ok?

 

[beezkneez]

I'm trying. really trying. Not doing too well but I'm trying. I'm gonna try to get clean tomorrow. Or at least start the process. I got myself a nice little habit so I'll be coming off about 120mg of roxies a day for a few weeks now. I have 2 strips, gonna use tiny bits to get me through the first 5 days and hopefully just stop. I need to get the fuck out of here. I need to turn my phone off and disappear for a few weeks. I so wish I could. Instead I sit in my apartment, alone bitter as fuck just barely holding on but I'll get through tonight I think. Tomorrow is a different story but I gotta stop worrying about shit that hasn't happened yet. I appreciate all of your support. I really do. It means a lot.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Talk to me tomorrow if you want, I will be around for the better part of the day.

 

[deathlol]

Hi, good luck getting off of opiates.

I recommend the herbs saffron and ashwagandha. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, rather severe in fact. And with 3 months of sobriety under my belt, I can relate to how hard it is to stop using when you have a storm of emotions going on. I've had great results with the aforementioned, along with valerian root. I'm still far from perfect, but they've taken the edge off things.

I wouldn't recommend meds at all. They only serve as a patch to the problem, much like recreational drugs. A bit of seroquel might help in the beginning stages, but if you choose that path, it'd be best to kick the pills as soon as possible.

Herbs aside, I find one of the best approaches is distraction. Listen to music, find a good video game, watch some movies. It might be hard to concentrate on anything in the beginning since you'll be so wrapped up in your feelings, not to mention suffering through the withdrawals, but after a couple of weeks things will get easier.

If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, add my skype: yourscreamsawhisper

Just stick with it and face the storm - if you've done it before, you can do it again!

 

[Pattern]

With regard to those supplements, I don't think, honestly, they will do much for you during opiate withdrawal. You could just spend a load of money and end up frustrated. Once you are over withdrawal, then you might benefit from them. Unlike the above poster, I think there's nothing wrong with taking "meds" for a few months to get through the toughest times, it's not a sign of failure / selling out to the establishment. My own opiate habit never got bad enough to need Subutex but I wouldn't have hesitated if it had done. I found Lofexidine to be sufficient to ease the restlessness in the legs and various autonomic symptoms during the first week. And that is basically a risk free med.

Like other people said, getting out of the house and keeping busy / distracted will be crucial for your sanity. Try to watch comedy films / shows if you still can laugh. Regarding Kava Kava, I once took it (ground root not tablets) for a few weeks, and it caused my face and neck to swell and the whites of my eyes to turn slightly yellow. That could have been a sign of liver problems. So those warnings about liver damage could be true.

I know how hard it is to find a regular psych. who will deal with you once you mention the words "subtance" or "drugs". They will hit you with the "dual diagnosis" label and tell you they can't work with you till your 6 months clean. I got councelling through a drugs outpatient service for six months, which REALLY helped. But I was also lucky to stumble upon a decent and patient councellor for once.

 

[neversickanymore]

For the withdrawls I really recommend clonidine and neurontin. I would also suggest adding vitamin D to your regiment.

As far as the depression.. the biggest thing that helps this is altering your thinking...

Thank you so much for your replies. I literally have no one.

if this is really true then I would remind myself that the place you are at is temporary, many addicts find support and friends in the fellowship of NA so you may want to consider these. Just realize that this current situation will change if you put the time into changing it. You will find find a good person to spend your life with but until then I would spend some quality time focusing on yourself.

I reached out to my boyfriend and he dumped me (really hard bc we basically lived together and now I'm just stuck there in a garbage can full of memories and betrayal).

yeah allot of times peoples true colors come shining out when things get tough.. Instead of looking at this as a negative thing I would consider being grateful that you are rid of this weak person.. he is gone and has made room in your life for an amazing person to fill. Why are you choosing to fill your life with thoughts that make it look like garbage? Your not stuck you are choosing to look at your life this way.. you have an amazing opportunity here to begin fresh with a whole new life. Instead of keeping your thoughts in the man look at what this has become switch them to I can't wait, this is the life I think I want and here is what I am going to do to get it. Many ways to look at everything. Your an amazing person beez and your worth is not determined by what others think.

My family has never cared about me and just recently my best friend and grandmother passed away. Everyone else I've reached out to is either disappointed I'm using again (very few know)

I'm sorry you have lost these people from your life.. Think it may be time to become comfortable and confident in yourself beez... you will not be alone long but since you are maybe learn to enjoy it a little.. for the time being its breeze and her dog and thats just fine with beeze and her dog.

or have left me because I don't have anything to offer them.

this is a huge blessing.. getting rid of the leaches and users is usually pretty hard.. your lucky beeze.

I'm usually a very happy, love to laugh and help others kind of person.

then why are you choosing to be this depressed and unhappy person?

People see the change in me and know how depressed and negative I am and do nothing to help. I've been trying for weeks to get an appointment with a therapist and every.single.one of them turns me down.

Keep at it but until you get one why dont you read some books about depression and thinking.. I have found that I can make a whole lot more headway allot of the time by reading the books that the people I was going to pay allot of money to read. Start taking a more active role in your recovery

Managing Depressive Thinking

Why is it SO hard to get help? I have awesome insurance as well so it doesn't make any sense. I'm considering just going to the ER and admitting myself, I don't think I can handle this weekend. Alone, in an apartment I used to share with >some scumbag weakling (fixed that for you as your not thinking rite)< Who completely ditches me when I'm at my weakest.

There are a ton of things you can do besides checking into an ER. Always free help and companionship at the NA meetings.. Another great way to get out from under your problems is to start focussing and helping others with thiers... go volunteer this weekend for a cause you believe in.. happy fun loving people volunteer, volunteered for 25 hours myself this week and it makes me feel great.. I volunteer at habitat for humanity and they love good people to volunteer at the restores.

I do have a creeper landlord that lives downstairs that is in love with me, I guess that's something. He's part of the reason I hate my life. I want people to love me like I love them. At least ONE person. I hate myself so much that I just don't even care anymore, I just use to kill the pain that is seeping into every aspect of my life. I'm overwhelmed with hurt and it sucks and I don't know how to fix it.

The best way to find love is to give it away with out expecting or wanting anything in return.. If you learn to love your self then then the people who love you will be able to find you. Your worth is not based on others opinions so dont hang with the creeper in an attempt to alleviate this loneliness.. take the dog to a dog park... good place to meet men is the dog parks... get out and get back into life beez

I have never ever felt depression like this, it's been weeks. It's draining and now I have a breakup on top of it. I know I'll use again tonight (already have done 2 30s) but I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow better and ready to fight. It would be sooooo much easier if I had support. Just someone to vent to. Something! idk. Sorry for ranting and I appreciate the love and support I've got from you all so far. It really means the world to me because I can not do it alone this time. I won't make it.

SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)

Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups

Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery



When you devlope a recovery plan that is going to be sucsessful please include thirty minutes of arobic exercice five time a week

EXERCISE AND MOOD

Also I would include meditation

Why Meditate? (VIDEO)

Why Pleasure Is Not Happiness (VIDEO)

I hope some of this helps.. things just dont get better.. we have to make them better


.

 

[beezkneez]

I agree, I need to put action into fixing my life. I could always try harder and I let myself get so swallowed up by negativity and stress that my addict mind makes me think I don't deserve happiness and I'll never get it. I agree with what you said, I need to use this break up and finding out people for what they really are and use this as a new beginning. I just need to stay focused and talk myself out of this depression. Fake it till I make it I guess.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to talk to me. Lots of detailed responses and it's gave me a lot to think about and some tools I hadn't really applied or thought would help. I really need to believe in myself and stop self-medicating. I need to learn new ways to cope.

 

[neversickanymore]

Amazing Music all day every day

 

[mrflowers00]

talking to a psychologist and psychiatrist is your best bet

 

[beezkneez]

Ive been trying for like a month to get an appointment with a therapist/psychiatrist.. anyone I don't care. I really need to gehit to the root of this addiction, obviously. They either won't take my "private insurance" or they don't have any appointments available until next year. Its discouraging being told No over and over again when I really need the help. I will try again tomorrow, I think I'll call my insurance company and see if they can't help me find somewhere to go.

In the meantime I've been screwing up. Blew threw a ton of pills this weekend, fucked money up and made it worse so I get to stress about that all week. But I put myself here and if anything during this relapse I've learned that I do want a better life. And I have a lot of leaches sucking my energy making it hard for me to thrive. I focus so much on others that I've turned on myself. I deserve to be happy. I do want to live and prove to MYSELF that I can be successful. Today I woke up and tried to be proactive to make baby steps towards my recovery. Instead of reaching for the pills I took 4mg of suboxone. My plan if I'm strong enough is to drop 1mg each day until Fridayish and then jump. I really hope to get an appointment this week and I may even go to an NA meeting. I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally want to get clean for good. It's so miserable living this life...

 

[Venrak]

Keep that forward momentum going, and keep up that learning!

I remember that mindset, and it wasn't too far off after that that I kicked the habits that were weighing me down.

 

[beezkneez]

Yesterday I was ok, today I am not. I can't seem to have more than 1 decent day. All that living I wanted to do and deserved is out the window today. Took 4mg sub yesterday, did a 30 later that night. And first thing this morning I couldn't bare to go to work and pretend everything is ok when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die, so I took 2 more 30s. I am not supposed to be doing this. When boss man finds out I will be jumped and I'll have to tell my ex too, who in turn will put my shit on blast for all the haters in my life. What is the point? Living for a dog? Fuck that. As much as it breaks my heart I'm going to have to find her a new home because I really don't think I'm going to make it out of this. If anything it's unfair to her, having a depressed Mom who does nothing but get high to kill the pain. It upsets her when I cry but that's the only thing I can do or act out in rage. I hate my life and I'm alone and no one cares. I'm destroying my life on purpose at this point and I STILL can't get fucking help. Why would anyone want to help the 30 year old suburban girl who on the outside has their shit together but inside is battling with a huge depression and addiction that's creeping it's way back in to the point that I can NOT stop. Why should I if no one cares? I've reached out to everyone I can think of, pulling old friends out of the word works and still nothing. NOt a damn therapist here will see me. My only option for "help" I guess is to admit myself to the ER, be drugged up for 3 days so I can't feel and be transferred to a state hospital to be released a week later "fixed". That's what happened last time and it did nothing for me. I need love dammit. Some real, physical love from someone. Everyone says they are alone but I am truly, ridiculously alone. I have nothing but sadness in me. This is not a way to live and I don't know what to do but just end it. It's such a pussy way out but after months of misery I just don't care about anything anymore. Nothing.

 

[Venrak]

Yesterday I was ok, today I am not. I can't seem to have more than 1 decent day. All that living I wanted to do and deserved is out the window today. Took 4mg sub yesterday, did a 30 later that night. And first thing this morning I couldn't bare to go to work and pretend everything is ok when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die, so I took 2 more 30s. I am not supposed to be doing this. When boss man finds out I will be jumped and I'll have to tell my ex too, who in turn will put my shit on blast for all the haters in my life. What is the point? Living for a dog? Fuck that. As much as it breaks my heart I'm going to have to find her a new home because I really don't think I'm going to make it out of this. If anything it's unfair to her, having a depressed Mom who does nothing but get high to kill the pain. It upsets her when I cry but that's the only thing I can do or act out in rage. I hate my life and I'm alone and no one cares. I'm destroying my life on purpose at this point and I STILL can't get fucking help. Why would anyone want to help the 30 year old suburban girl who on the outside has their shit together but inside is battling with a huge depression and addiction that's creeping it's way back in to the point that I can NOT stop. Why should I if no one cares? I've reached out to everyone I can think of, pulling old friends out of the word works and still nothing. NOt a damn therapist here will see me. My only option for "help" I guess is to admit myself to the ER, be drugged up for 3 days so I can't feel and be transferred to a state hospital to be released a week later "fixed". That's what happened last time and it did nothing for me. I need love dammit. Some real, physical love from someone. Everyone says they are alone but I am truly, ridiculously alone. I have nothing but sadness in me. This is not a way to live and I don't know what to do but just end it. It's such a pussy way out but after months of misery I just don't care about anything anymore. Nothing.

Can't you get in touch with a social worker that can hook you up with services for intensive followup/group therapy? I think this would help you socialize more, give you some perspective on your problems, and to give you a plan for a way out. Drug counselling would also be a very good idea. I've always had my own issues, some are very similar to yours; addiction, isolation, depression, anxiety etc. and I do all of these.

I think it might be a good idea for you to admit yourself to the ER and make sure you get to see a social worker. They've got all the connections

 

[nuttynutskin]

I was in a pretty similar mindset about a month ago, (see http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/687199-Don-t-know-if-I-can-take-much-more) but it will get better. Unless you're really unable to care for it I would suggest keeping your dog. I'm a firm believer that pets can really help people like you and me with depression because it gets your mind off your own thoughts for a while. Sit down and play with your puppy, I bet you will feel better.