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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

cutting

ditto, i don't cut very deep. they usually aren't much worse than a nick from shaving too fast. and while i don't mind seeing blood, i don't enjoy it either. it just is.

there are people who have known me for years (and seen me in skimpy clothing/nude) who have no idea that i do what i do.
 
Sometimes I would cut pretty deep and I always drank when playing with sharp objects which meant, yes, lots of blood. Usually the blood would start making a mess/ staining my skin so I'd wash it under water for a good while. And yes, that served well for the "watching myself bleed" sensation you deseribed. After that I'd slam some gauze on and press *really* hard (also a source of pain). Then after a while I'd bandage it up. A couple times I was really worried I'd have to go to the hospital as it wouldn't stop bleeding. Luckily, I was always able to get it under control.

::hugs to Raz::
 
I use to cut daily. In October I will have 2 years of non-cutting coping. I would like to say, and I even once thought, that I am simply over it. However, I am a drunkard of the worst sort [solitary, low tolerance and bipolar]; I simply switched coping mechinisms.

My left arm has about 100-200 scars on it. Whenever I look at them and cogitate I can remember, vividly, doing the deed.

I don't make a point about wearing long sleeves. For some reason, I never cared much about what people thought about my scars: which is unlike me.
 
I cut tonight for the first time in 14 years ( i am 28 ) i was having a fight with my flatmate and I said, u think u got pain? I pulled a serrated knife from the kitchen draw I was standing in front of and started cutting the fuck out of my arms... later I regreted it as I did it on my fore arm n now I am going to have to hide it until the scars heal.... but after I did it, I felt so calm, I stopped giving a fuck about what my flatmate was feeling, I felt numb and serine.

I hate my parents for giving me this pain. I wish they had not loved me at all and had just abused me...thats what happened to my ex bf, and he is a high funtioning psychopath, remorsless, unfeeling, afraid of nothing and so so charming. Its when its mixed it fucks u up properly...and ur relationships are always with abusers like ur parents

I was just starting to make progress, get sorted....now ...fuck it. I am an addict albeit a dry one, I am so so angry on the inside and I drive everyone away. I can't hold down a job, I upset everyone.
I like this don't give a fuck feeling I have right now...in the face of me doing something pretty wrong I dont care now, suffer, it doesnt effect me now. Dog eat dog world this is. Guilt is my constant companian but I just cut the fucker out of my life...at least 4 now.
 
I used to cut a lot more a couple of years ago. Guess you could say it was major depression (crack).

Last few times I did was after fights with my dad. The shit he says to me makes me feel completely worthless. After a (big) fight, the first thing I do is reach for a razor. (....and unfortunately it's not too far)
I don't care what anybody says to me, usually doesn't hurt me. When it's my own father tho, it's a totally different story.
I cut only twice this year, I think.

Sometimes just talking to somebody after the fight will stop me from doing it. Try handling the emotions in a different way when ya'll feel them exploding... :)
 
I carried all this shit all the way to 25yo about who I was cos it was what I was told by my father. Then one night, in a meth induced psychosis/mania I pulled it all together. I wasn't shit, he was, he emotionally and phisically abused me almost every day yet at 25yo I still thought it was because I was a bad person.
Now, he is totally out of my life. I sent him a sms after he was being a cunt to me telling him what I cunt he was to me and ended it with

Get Fucked
Get Cancer
Die


I think he got the message
 
it's been since the end of february since i last did it (when i started this thread)... that's the longest break since i started doing it in 8th grade... which was about 6 years ago... damn.

i can thank a few people for making me realize i am worthwhile and helping me get away from it more...
 
I guess I'll update too... haven't cut since March, burned since April. :) This doesn't mean I don't get temptations anymore, because I certainly do. I think I'm just getting better at handling them. I don't want to bash psychiatric help but it seems as though the more time I'm without "help" the better I get. Just a "me" thing I think but I knew what I was talking about when I said seeing doctors didn't help my head.
 
yay for you both :D

i have done well not cutting or burning myself the last few months, but i find myself drinking more and more :(
 
ok, i havent been through all the posts...but does neone burn? i mean...its like cutting X1000

i've got alot of scars on me that are into random shapes..a yingyang..a cross thats all boxed in..i just made them into shapes to pass off the fact that i like fo feel my skin being burned..its better than cutting as far as the rush is concerned.

i was just wondering.....cuz i did it again..and dont direct me to the "recover your life" forums cuz noone on there really gets better and every single thread is a "trigger"
 
^lol, look at the two posts above you. i am not laughing at you, just the fact that the two post directly above you mention burning...

i was talking to someone last night about the movie secretary and it was an interesting discussion.

i had a hard time watching many of the scenes involving maggie gyllenhaal's character cutting herself. i actually haven't sat thru the entire movie from being to end because of this. it just hit to close to home i guess.

the other thing we were talking about was the BDSM aspect of the film. we are both submissive people, and began talking about the correlation between SI and masochism. when i injure myself, i don't get any sexual satisfaction from it. but it does provide me with a sense of calmness. in sexual situations, i find pain arousing.

anyone eles have any thoughts on the matter?
 
I have never intentionally cut myself but can easily understand why one would and the feelings you get from it.

However i did have eczema which caused me to tear away deep portions of my skin on my toes, fingers etc where the eczema caused it to flake. Usually quite deep and blood would appear. I haven't been doing this for a while. My eczema has abated somewhat.

I remember reading somewhere that there is a skin picking disorder and it stems from OCD?
 
^ Dermatillomania, and yes it is related to OCD. I don't think it's quite the same as cutting though, because it's not done to feel pain. The skin picking is more a form of anxiety/stress relief. Kind of like the compulsions in OCD, but the picking itself is usually experienced as pleasant (unlike performing compulsions in OCD, which is usually highly distressing).
 
I've always found it strange when people call self harm 'addictive'. I have scars from a decade ago and plasters less than a week old. Yet I could never have truthfully told you I was addicted. I've had periods when I do it every day for weeks, followed by literally years of abstinence, when I've barely considered it at all.

As far as I can remember, I've done it mainly to escape feelings of 'emptiness'... I'm sure I don't have explain that on a post entitled cutting. But I've also done it because I despised myself, because I was drunk and simply desired the rush, or, as the very first time, simply to see if I could. I don't believe I've ever done it through anger, this being something, to be honest, that I've never actually experienced. Life keeps ticking by and still I can do nothing but sit and listen to the ticks echoing away... Twenty-one years old, and I have no ideas, no clue as to what I should do. I've travelled to different continents, I've written and read, I've worked in every area, tried every adrenaline sport, sampled every substance mentioned here, and nothing has ever caught my interest. Hell, I fucking wish that self harm was addictive, it would break up the fucking monotany. But no, it's just another meaningless activity, overrated and undertried.
 
i stopped cutting myself because people look down on it too much, but if something really bad happens id probably do it again
 
Lately they have been using Naltrexone to treat people that inflict bodily harm on themselves. My last girl friend was constantly picking at imaginary 'hair splintters', she cut hair and ran her own salon, but it was just a excuse for self mutilation. How many people that self mutilate would say they have body dysmorphic issues? I am not skinny enough, I am to fat, I need fake tits. There is a definite link to body dysmorphic issues and self injury. In some cases I believe OCD comes into play, certainly with people that take uppers.

Just thoughts and somewhat of my opinion on my last g/f [probably will get back with her if my gut tells the truth which it usually does. Irrelevant...
 
^its purely a release for me. it has nothing to do with being unhappy with my body. and its not so much a link between body dismorphic disorder and self harm, as a correlation....

that said, i am having a really hard time right now resisting urges to hurt myself. i have alot of built up stress and anger which i am trying to deal with in healthy ways. and i am dealing with, just very slowly. which is adding to my current levels of frustration :\
 
I just "relapsed" (hahahaha I don't really think we can call it that but, what else?). 2x this week. My emotions have been everywhere lately. I should probably go back on anti-depressants or something but I hate. that. shit.

<3 hugs a_c.
 
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