cutting

it's been 6-7 years since i cut myself on a regular basis, but i still have the scars. I made one very nasty cut 3 years ago with every intention of leaving a permanent scar, a reflection of the one on my heart and soul and a reminder not to let anyone hurt me like that again.

Two nights ago, I had a bad panic attack. I took some ativan and tried to calm down. It didn't take away my panic attack. It just left me feeling numb and still anxious. I tore apart my room looking for anything that i could cut myself with. I found a shard of glass from a broken picture frame and made one cut after another on my left arm. Two days later, it looks even worse- 20 some cuts ranging in length from 1-3 inches, all red and scabbed over, crisscrossing my lower arm.

I spent the next few hours sitting in the pouring rain in the dark alley behind my house bleeding and trying to prove or disprove the existence of those shadowy creatures that i'm convinced live there. For once, i couldn't care less if they attacked me or not. Logic tells me that they're all in my head, but the adrenaline pumping through my veins disagrees.

So now I'm left with all these cuts and no real excuse for them. It's far too hot outside to wear long sleeves. I know people have noticed them but no one says a word. I feel self conscious and wish that i could just make them disappear and go another 6 years without doing this to myself.
 
spent the next few hours sitting in the pouring rain in the dark alley behind my house bleeding and trying to prove or disprove the existence of those shadowy creatures that i'm convinced live there. For once, i couldn't care less if they attacked me or not. Logic tells me that they're all in my head, but the adrenaline pumping through my veins disagrees.


Do you by any chance use methamphetamine/amphetamine/crack/cocaine ??









zophen
 
Nope.. and never have. I haven't done any other drugs in quite some time. I just get SEVERE panic attacks on occasion.
 
It's surprising to me how many people here have had experience with cutting...I knew it was a sort-of common phenomenon, but not that common. Although I guess there's some correlation between drug users and self injury, so there are likely to be more people here who've cut/burned/etc.

I used to cut very frequently, and was hospitalized a couple of times and finally put into programs when I severed a vein. I stopped cutting for almost two years I want to say, but I've started again recently. I find it's really, really hard after I do ecstacy, because the crash lasts me the next few days and I just feel horrible, and there's really nothing else in the world that'll give me a release from that bleak "what's the point?" feeling.

Anyways, my thoughts go out to anyone here struggling with self-injury...it takes a lot more strength to quit than most people think. What sucks the most, to me at least, is that it's so hard to have healthy relationships and cut at the same time. It just hurts the people you love so much...=/
 
syymphonatic said:
neither option is really the good route to go.
scars will fade in time, my legs are pretty badly scarred, but it's been awhile and they're finally faded. you can only see them if i tan or burn.
of course you might feel uncomfortable showing your scars, but they're a part of you now, just something to come to terms with.

my motto:: :)
Your posts always make me feel less embarrassed about mine. :)
 
Question: Cutters, what's your personal experience with burning? I've gained 4 pretty damned noticable cig burn scars on my arm in the past year.... but I only started burning after I had been cutting for a few years. Maybe it's different for everyone, the sensations are very different but alike at the same time. I guess this post doesn't amount to much. I just want your input on burning/cutting and your inclinations towards either/or?
 
goatofthenever said:
Your posts always make me feel less embarrassed about mine. :)
:) that's awesome. i'm glad some good came of it.



amor- i've burnt myself quite a bit. my self injury range(s/d) from (predominantly) cutting to burning, bruising, overdosing on pills, and trying to break my bones. cutting was (still is) first "choice" but sometimes i would get these uncontrollable, deeply self destructive urges that would leave me with 3rd degree burns on my hands and wrists, finger splints for weeks, or ER visits for charcoal and blood tests. those were during my really, really bad times and i've hardly considered any of it since...

i never started doing all that other stuff until i was a few years deep into my cutting habit... sometimes when it was so bad cuts weren't enough.
but branching out with your methods is so familiar but puts such a different perspective on it for you... in a scary way... happy that the worst is behind me...
 
AmorRoark said:
Question: Cutters, what's your personal experience with burning? I've gained 4 pretty damned noticable cig burn scars on my arm in the past year.... but I only started burning after I had been cutting for a few years. Maybe it's different for everyone, the sensations are very different but alike at the same time. I guess this post doesn't amount to much. I just want your input on burning/cutting and your inclinations towards either/or?

i think the old thread had a bit of a bit about this... i haven't seriously cut myself in years. i'm thinking like 6-7 years. i have made small cuts here and there, but nothing very noticable... i find myself favoring burning because it is far less obvious. i will heat up a piece of metal until it is glowing and press it onto my skin.

its because to most people i appear confident and in control. there are just a handful of people that know of the issues i have and i would like to keep it that way. especially because of the type of job i have and how old i am :\

(btw, i am not saying i am old or that a specific age group does this. its just that many people assume is a phase teens go thru and i am not ready to explain to people otherwise)
 
I was going to post with a pic of some scars I have on my leg which I did when I was really down last year.
I think you have to put the photo into your gallery before you can put it into a post, and people have posted comments saying I'm an attention whore and everything for doing it. I'm quite offended because I never did it for those reasons at all. What do you guys think about cutting for attention? I *know* that in my circumstance it was not a cry for attention, in fact that was the last thing I wanted.
 
^next time host the pic with photobucket or something. people are assuming you did it for attention because 1) you posted to a public gallery and 2) most people assume that is the only reason people cut.

there are people who think posting in this thread is for attention seeking purposes. :\
 
*cloud9baby* said:
I was going to post with a pic of some scars I have on my leg which I did when I was really down last year.
I think you have to put the photo into your gallery before you can put it into a post, and people have posted comments saying I'm an attention whore and everything for doing it. I'm quite offended because I never did it for those reasons at all. What do you guys think about cutting for attention? I *know* that in my circumstance it was not a cry for attention, in fact that was the last thing I wanted.

Yeah, fuck what people think. I have some of those kinds of photos in my gallery. The responses are balanced between "that's fucking hardcore dude, awesome!" or "you're a total fucking idiot". Water off a ducks back you know. I don't know exactly why people cut, but I've burnt myself just to kind of see what it would feel like, and how it would heal. And ultimately if I live to be 60 or older I'll have some interesting stories to tell the grandkids. My leg in question is fine, but I still have to keep it bandaged and change it once a week- thankfully all paid for by my hospital.

As it has been over two months, if the body is left to heal on it's own it will scar all lumpy, leak fluids, and be itchy- I have a self inflicted burn scar on my arm like that and it sucks. SO the leg I want it to be a consistent colour along the scar tissue.

What people find aesthetically pleasing is so arbitrary, I don't think I'll ever understand why girls where purple eye shadow, and not draw green circles on their cheeks, or why fat eyelashes are attractive, but eyebrows are supposed to be pencil thin? Fuck all that, do what you want, and if anyone tries to judge just tell 'em to mind their own business. You odn't like it, don't do it. I never got any piercings for that reason, but I have nothing against piercing enthusiasts. anyway, power to you who think outside the norm:D

here's a link
http://www.bluelight.ru/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=37894&cat=500&ppuser=36952
http://www.bluelight.ru/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=36990&cat=500&ppuser=36952

By the way, you can load pictures onto this site:
http://www.imageshack.us/
really easily, and Pm me a link, if you can be fucked;)
 
1 in 5 people self injure says new study

Study: 1 in 5 students practice self-injury

Some say they hurt to make emotional wounds visible


Monday, June 5, 2006; Posted: 10:40 a.m. EDT (14:40 GMT)

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Nearly 1 in 5 students at two Ivy League schools say they have purposely injured themselves by cutting, burning or other methods, a disturbing phenomenon that psychologists say they are hearing about more often.

For some young people, self-abuse is an extreme coping mechanism that seems to help relieve stress; for others it's a way to make deep emotional wounds more visible.

The results of the survey at Cornell and Princeton are similar to other estimates on this frightening behavior. Counselors say it's happening at colleges, high schools and middle schools across the country.

Separate research found more than 400 Web sites devoted to subject, including many that glorify self-injury. Some worry that many sites serve as an online subculture that fuels the behavior -- although whether there has been an increase in the practice or just more awareness is unclear.

Sarah Rodey, 20, a University of Illinois student who started cutting herself at age 16, said some online sites help socially isolated kids feel like they belong. One of her favorites includes graphic photographs that the site warns might be "triggering."

"I saw myself in some of those pictures, in the poems. And because I saw myself there, I wanted to connect to it better" by self-injuring, Rodey said.

The Web sites, recent books and media coverage are pulling back the curtain on the secretive practice and helping researchers better understand why some as young as grade-schoolers do it.

"You're trying to get people to know that you're hurting, and at the same time, it pushes them away" because the behavior is so distressing, said Rodey, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

The latest prevalence estimate comes from an analysis of responses from 2,875 randomly selected male and female undergraduates and graduate students at Cornell and Princeton who completed an Internet-based mental health survey.

Seventeen percent said they had purposely injured themselves; among those, 70 percent had done so multiple times. The estimate is comparable to previous reports on U.S. adolescents and young adults, but slightly higher than studies of high school students in Australia and the United Kingdom.

The study appears in this month's issue of Pediatrics, released Monday. Cornell psychologist Janis Whitlock, the study's main author, also led the Web site research, published in April in Developmental Psychology.

Among the Ivy League students who harmed themselves, about half said they'd experienced sexual, emotional or physical abuse that researchers think can trigger self-abuse.

Repeat self-abusers were more likely than non-injurers to be female and to have had eating disorders or suicidal tendencies, although self-injuring is usually not considered a suicide attempt.

Greg Eels, director of counseling and psychological services at Cornell, said the study's findings are not surprising. "We see it frequently and it seems to be an increasing phenomenon."

While Eels said the competitive, stressful college environment may be particularly intense at Ivy League schools, he thinks the results reflect a national problem.

Dr. Daniel Silverman, a study co-author and Princeton's director of health services, said the study has raised consciousness among his staff, who are now encouraged to routinely ask about self-abuse when faced with students "in acute distress."

"Unless we start talking about it and making it more acceptable for people to come forward, it will remain hidden," Silverman said.

Some self-injurers have no diagnosable illness but have not learned effective ways to cope with life stresses, said Victoria White Kress, an associate professor at Youngstown State University in Ohio. She consults with high schools and says demand for her services has risen in recent years.

Psychologists who work with middle and high schools "are overwhelmed with referrals for these kids," said psychologist Richard Lieberman, who coordinates a suicide prevention program for Los Angeles public schools.

He said one school recently reported several fourth-graders with burns on their arms, and another seeking help for "15 hysterical seventh-grade girls in the office and they all have cuts on their arms."

In those situations, Lieberman said there's usually one instigator whose behavior is copied by sympathetic but probably less troubled friends.

Rodey, a college sophomore, said cutting became part of her daily high school routine.

"It was part of waking up, getting dressed, the last look in the mirror and then the cut on the wrist. It got to be where I couldn't have a perfect day without it," Rodey said.

"If I was apprehensive about going to school, or I wasn't feeling great, I did that and I'd get a little rush," she said.

Whitlock is among researchers who believe that "rush" is feel-good hormones called endorphins produced in response to pain. But it is often followed by deep shame and the injuries sometimes require medical treatment.

Vicki Duffy, 37, runs a Morris County, New Jersey, support group and said when she was in her 20s, she had skin graft surgery on her arms after burning herself with cigarettes and a fire-starter. After psychological and drug treatment, she stopped the behavior 10 years ago.

Author of the 2004 book "No More Pain: Breaking the Silence of Self-Injury," Duffy recalled being stopped on the street by a 70-year-old woman who saw her scarred arms and said, "'I used to do that."'

Rodey said she stopped several months ago with the help of S.A.F.E. (Self-Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives treatment program at a suburban Chicago hospital. Treatment includes behavior therapy and keeping a written log to track what triggers the behavior.

Rodey said she feels "healed" but not cured "because it's something I will struggle with the rest of my life. Whenever I get really stressed out, that's the first thing I think about."

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

cnn article with a few pictures and links

i saw this on cnn.com today and thought i would share it.

i have some thoughts and issues with some things, and will type it out later when i get off work...
 
hey you guys, all of you, everyone, just know that somewhere out there in cyberspace, people are reading these things and they know exactly how you feel, and they want you to be ok. i want you guys to be ok, cuz i know what its like to be sick and to have some awful scars, inside and out. too many people know about these things. and if i could take it away from you i would. but you guys are the ones who can make yourselves better, and you will get better. be strong and be brave. theres a long and painful trudge uphill but at the top its like you can touch the sun, and you'll know that you're finally ok, and maybe even all the tears and blood were worth it just to feel more alive than anyone who never knew what it was like to die. this stuff isn't for the weakhearted, and enduring it at all is the sign of someone incredible. you guys are real troopers, keep it up, you have all my love (and admiration).
 
OUCH! i tried it (cutting myself) and SERIOUSLY regret it.

now ive got these stupid, obviously self-inflicted, scars on myself.

i cannot identify with self-mutilation.... so maybe my words arent worth very much here... but it really is NOT worth it. no addiction is, and cutting oneself has very NOTICABLE consequences.
 
Fell off the wagon =(

I cut myself at work today for the first time in ages...it's so fucking addictive, once I started all I wanted to do all day was find some way to be able to go somewhere on my own and cut more. Bah...stupid brain. :(
 
i just have a small question to ask you guys who cut. what do you do afterwards? some of those cuts are absolutely massive and would lose a lot of blood.. do you bleed in the shower, or bandage it? i'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but i've always wanted to know and it's purely curiousity as to why i'm asking.

also, if you do bandage it, does that take away your rush? bcoz i would think that the rush comes from watching yourself bleed..
 
I don't really cut that deep...when I used to do it all the time, I would always do it in my bedroom and I threw my sheets out in the end because it was too hard getting the stains out.

With me, the only time there's a lot of blood is if I cut a lot at once - and wearing dark clothes (or a bunch of layers) means even if it does bleed for a while, nobody sees..
 
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