it wasn't cutting for me, but recreationally hot-knifing myself.....
like, heating a buck knife until it was red-hot and then holding it down on my flesh for as long as i could. always on my inner calf, so the burns wouldn't be as visible.....i did eventually get caught doing it by my parents and they threatened to institutionalize me if i didn't stop.
self-harm was never an attention seeking thing for me, that sort of shit would've just made me
hate myself even more for being such a fucking pussy.......yeah i know, cuz i'm such a fuckin' tough guy...pfft. 8) i had _enough_ self-loathing at the time though, what with being intelligent, handsome, and yet somehow having become a complete failure. i knew it was because of uncontrollable life circumstances: meaningless suffering, just plain absurdity, but i still hated myself for not being clever enough to dig myself out of the rut...and i'd tried EVERYTHING to get some fuckin self-esteem.
fyi this knifing shit was *AFTER* i'd decided i wanted to stay alive--even if my brain was so irreparably fucked up that i'd have to be a fuckin wal-mart employee for the rest of my days....
i did it so i could actually feel something other than the unbearable chaos, white noise, and constant stream neurotic thoughts about
the past in my head that were unstoppable for me at the time.
and it does make you kind of high, like a drug, or like endorphins or whatever...
i don't recommend doing it though. people will think you're fucked up
i lost the desire to self-harm when psych drugs eventually helped me...well, if you count Paxil-induced HYPOMANIA as help--which
I DID and still do, cuz it freed me from an indescribably painful mental state. i mean, i was fucked up enough that i couldn't pay attention to a fucking TV show or remember anything from a movie, or even do much but lay in bed and chainsmoke all day.
that was really fucked up, the memory of those excruciatingly long months will be burned into my brain forever.
e: it was
severe drug-induced anxiety+depression, FYI. from 2 years of occasional, controlled drug use which, because of my pre-existing depression, eventually snowballed into a year of amphetamine and then 4-6 months of opium addiction, and then a short spate of alcoholism during the w/d period.