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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

cutting

I honestly can't remember the last time I cut or intentionally burned myself. Must've been 6 months +...... maybe a year. I look at my scars every day and thank God I'm in a better mind state than before. It still crosses my mind when I'm really upset, but that's about it.
 
I have at the request of a poster restickyed this thread , it can be easily unstickied if the other mods (you lot!!) feel iot is the wrong thing to do.
PM me if you would like to know why .





zophen
 
i was a senior when i hit into the whole cutting thing. i blame alot of it on my dxm abuse and puberty. When my best friend saw what i had done to my wrist she cried for days and literally wouldnt let me leave her room. She really held onto me and I think shes the one who finnally convinced me to start living. i love her.
 
i completely understand how hard it is. i haven't cut myself badly in almost 8 months, but before that i had been doing it for about five years. my senior year in high school was the worst. it became my medication, when i couldn't handle it anymore i'd cut and cut and cut until i felt better. it calmed me down, gave me something to focus on besides what was bothering me. i never wanted people to see it, although now i don't bother hiding the fading scars. i actually grew to love the feeling, the taste of blood, the smell of blood and metal, everything. it IS a fucking addiction, and it was SO HARD to stop. when i am upset now it just upsets me even MORE that i can't do it, or that i won't let myself do it... because part of me still WANTS to, part of me still loves it, part of me cherishes the scars on my arms and legs... but i don't ever want to fall back into that again, because of the effect it has had on my life and the people i love.

stay strong and know that you aren't alone, obviously ;)
 
Yeah I went through a phase of cutting about a year or so back. I would make 20+ cuts every day. All over my arms and legs. As other people have said, it really is an addiction, from the first time I did it, I couldn't stop. It felt SO good, it was like all my stresses and hurts were rushing out of the cut, but unfortunatly they would return worse than ever. It was eventually when a friend of mine pointed out how fucking selfish it was of me that I decided to stop. I agree with her too now, it is selfish - it puts your loved ones through a hell of a lot of stress just so that you can relieve yourself. But then again - aren't all addictions selfish?
 
I've not done it since the day after I posted this, it's great having a place to come when you need support... you guys are all very helpful for relating and have kept me out of it a few times already.

as far as triggers go, pictures will only trigger if i'm really down and looking for excuses to push myself over the edge again.

anyone who's never experienced this, it really is an addiction.
the same way a recovered junkie can never forget what it's like, i am with cutting... not a day oes by that i don't think about it in some way or another, but i'm very grateful to have moved on from the worst of it.
long hard road..
 
Raz said:
Question: how do triggers affect you?

On one hand, seeing that photo of ryanlaughlin above makes me want to have that for myself, to cut my arms and be able to see the scars until they fade..

On the other hand, seeing it is kind of cathartic...it's like...seeing him do it stops me from having to do it...any thoughts on this?
Click to expand...


I completely agree with your "On the other hand..." but I think from a slightly different angle. I really care about ryanlaughlin as I would consider him a friend. We've helped each other out in somewhat desperate times, so seeing him with scars really upsets me. After I recognized how it struck a chord with me to see ryan's emotional pain become physical I realized how I must make people who care about me feel. When I cut I don't think it looks too bad. I don't mind my scars... actually, I kind of like them. And I always think that my friends are overreacting when they speak to me about how much they worry about me. Finally, I can see what they're seeing. It's worse than I thought. :o
 
I'm pleased that you can now see this , it's awful watching people you love hurting themselves , it hurts you as well, not just cutting either but by not caring about yourself . Still you can only show people the door they must step through it !







zophen
 
it wasn't cutting for me, but recreationally hot-knifing myself.....

like, heating a buck knife until it was red-hot and then holding it down on my flesh for as long as i could. always on my inner calf, so the burns wouldn't be as visible.....i did eventually get caught doing it by my parents and they threatened to institutionalize me if i didn't stop.

self-harm was never an attention seeking thing for me, that sort of shit would've just made me hate myself even more for being such a fucking pussy.......yeah i know, cuz i'm such a fuckin' tough guy...pfft. 8) i had _enough_ self-loathing at the time though, what with being intelligent, handsome, and yet somehow having become a complete failure. i knew it was because of uncontrollable life circumstances: meaningless suffering, just plain absurdity, but i still hated myself for not being clever enough to dig myself out of the rut...and i'd tried EVERYTHING to get some fuckin self-esteem.

fyi this knifing shit was *AFTER* i'd decided i wanted to stay alive--even if my brain was so irreparably fucked up that i'd have to be a fuckin wal-mart employee for the rest of my days....

i did it so i could actually feel something other than the unbearable chaos, white noise, and constant stream neurotic thoughts about the past in my head that were unstoppable for me at the time.

and it does make you kind of high, like a drug, or like endorphins or whatever...

i don't recommend doing it though. people will think you're fucked up :|

i lost the desire to self-harm when psych drugs eventually helped me...well, if you count Paxil-induced HYPOMANIA as help--which I DID and still do, cuz it freed me from an indescribably painful mental state. i mean, i was fucked up enough that i couldn't pay attention to a fucking TV show or remember anything from a movie, or even do much but lay in bed and chainsmoke all day.

that was really fucked up, the memory of those excruciatingly long months will be burned into my brain forever.

e: it was severe drug-induced anxiety+depression, FYI. from 2 years of occasional, controlled drug use which, because of my pre-existing depression, eventually snowballed into a year of amphetamine and then 4-6 months of opium addiction, and then a short spate of alcoholism during the w/d period.
 
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Out of memory, I dont think a year has passed without me cutting myself in one form or an other, all however have been direct actions to cause myself pain to release anguish.

I feel for people who have to cut them selves to understand the storms in their hearts. What I do know is the more we try and change something the closer we get to achieving our desired transitions.

I recall the last time I started to inject again, I was so hateful of myself for returning to a behaviour I deplored in myself that I would heat the spoon after the hit and burn the injectin site, I was left looking like an ovre branded mule.

I wish all those trying to put an end to there self injury actions the best of my empathy as its not easy, then in the long run its a lot easier than continuing to slice ones body.

An ex girlfriend of mine used to cut her personal parts when ever we disagreed, you could probably guess that I would then try and avoid confrontation there after but there was always somethin that came up. What I did learn was it was her choice just as much as it was my choice, I stopped taking responsibility for her actions there after but never stopped caring.
 
I'm so bent out of shape right now all I can do is cry.

I've never cut myself before, but a bunch of my friends have. I understand why they did it. And it always upset me when they did.

But I've been in a good depressive rut for a few days, and my thoughts keep drifting back to it. More and more frequently. Half my mind thinks that it would just release all this pressure built up in me. The other half knows it's a stupid idea and a temporary non-solution that'll lead to more problems.

I want to scream.
 
I like cutting myself as a last resort. don't get a rush or shit from it though.

PS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA fucking AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OL
 
The only 2 times I have cut myself were when I was having panic attacks. I'm not sure if it made me feel better or not, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
 
I was or am a cutter. It is kinda addictive or me. However, I would take a hit over a blade any day of the week. It is addictive in the sense that once I did it for the first time I had urges to do it again and again. I never did drugs or cut at the same time. I had an eating disorder that went along with this destructive activity. Although I never did the ED and cutting simultaneously. I found sanctuary in each one. It really is not the thing to do. I started out on my arms, but went on to other parts my body as time went on in an effort to conceal. So many people think it is for attention, but a 'real' cutter knows this is not the idea. Maybe some of the reasons for cutting are the same as using, but I am not a counselor, so don't quote me. I just know how it is for me.

Just the other day my supervisor at work asked about the marks on my arm. I felt very uncomfortable and wished I could have erased those encounters with the blade. People told me that I would get older and the cuts would bother me with my physical appearace. I am so god damn stubborn I had to keep cutting. I cut a couple of months ago, but now regret that as well. It was cold and thought my leg was fair game. Now I want to wear shorts and have to put makeup on my legs.

Do a shot don't cut. It's easier to get over a hangover than get a scar lasered off.
 
neither option is really the good route to go.
scars will fade in time, my legs are pretty badly scarred, but it's been awhile and they're finally faded. you can only see them if i tan or burn.
of course you might feel uncomfortable showing your scars, but they're a part of you now, just something to come to terms with.

my motto:: :)
PDR_0014.jpg
 
ya.... me, being an unfortunate soul living in the throughs of severe-depression, I can certainly relate with all of you. The first time I cut was 3 years ago during a 2-week long insomniac/manic episode from the withdrawal after a heavy benzo-binge. After fillet'ing my arms and legs w/ a razor, I truely felt my inner-pain, depression and anxiety "bleed" out of me... ...i could now breathe deeply and rest in a calm, for a short while at least. It was from that time on, i used 'cutting' as a tool (albiet a fucked up and wrong way) to ease times when i couldn't cope any longer, like, to shock myself out of a suicidal rage. But eventually (very soon), just as it is similar to a drug, being addictive in relieving stress, you develop a tolerance and cutting doesn't cut it any longer. (sorry, bad pun :) Then one day you're in the mirror looking at all those scars and you become painfully aware on a whole new level-visually- of fucking stupid you where to do such a thing!... especially when one eventually does become a little less insane and depressed. The first thing one can do to get better is to just be around someone (a friend or family member that cares for you). Even if it's just sitting with them and watching a movie.. just be close to someone and not do what most depressives feel like doing: to recluse; going away somewhere to be alone. I know... I've been there all to often. Atleast when your not alone you wont be able to hear that depressed voice convince you.
The best of hope and love to all of you!

By the way.... it's really great to see all the positive reply's(!). it shows much hope and promise for such hopelessness
 
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