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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

Raz said:
People, I just wanna say....cutting may not be the most healthy coping mechanism,
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Dunno about that, I'm a former cutter and in retrospect it was a relitavly healthy way to deal with things.

Far more healthy than what I replaced it with, first bulimia then chain smoking, the former could have killed me and the latter probably will.
 
i recently learned how many people i have known that have done this. I also once remember when I had a chunk come out of the side of my knee when i ran into a liscence plate. it was a huge chunk hanging on by a bit. it was late at night, so i thought i would cut it off and take care of it in the morning. the pain was much more intense than i thought it would be, but after halfway i thought i had to finish and it turned into a rush, more intense than an orgasm and not exactly painful either.

i also notice the cutters I've known have been middle children. dont know if that means anything
 
i'm an oldest child for what it matters...

my mom cleaned out my room yesterday (i don't live there anymore) and found a bunch of stuff i had written when i was younger. not like diaries but little notes i had written myself and hidden away. a few were vaugley related to hurting myself. it was weird being confronted by her all these years later...
 
LivingLegends, that poem really described the way I used to feel when I cut myself.

Well, except maybe for this part:

LivingLegends said:

and any scars that remain will not be shadowed by regret
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I have really visible scars on my arms. I know it's one of the most stupid places to cut, and for about two, three years I would wear only long sleeves (keep in mind I lived in a place that was hot all year round). When I first started cutting I didn't realise it would scar so bad, and when the scars were already there, I decided to keep on cutting my arm because the skin was ruined and I had to cover it anyway, so why not continue there?

Some of the scars have faded now... still visible, but they don't scream out at you. others are still quite obvious, and I realise they probably will be forever. I've started being semi-comfortable wearing short-sleeved tops now, though I'll still semi-consciously hide them by folding my right arm over the left, or putting my arm behind my back, etc, when talking to people that don't know about it. I hate it that people can see my scars, partly because having a cut-up arm usually gives people an impression of me that I don't really like, and partly because it feels like they are seeing a really private part of me- I feel naked. I've learnt to live with my scars, like them even sometimes, but I want them to be my own. Also I hate it when people that I don't know well ask me what happened to my arm. Lying about it would be stupid (did that when I was younger though), but I don't want to talk about it either, unless I'm close to the person.


So. For all you others cutters or ex-cutters- what is your relationship to your scars? How do you deal with other people seeing them?
 
i havent cut since i wrote that poem. im going to get a tattoo on each wrist to symbolize the final marks. i love tattoos. i dont mind what people think. maybe i should more.
 
So. For all you others cutters or ex-cutters- what is your relationship to your scars? How do you deal with other people seeing them?
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i am indifferent to them. but i have very few permanent or long lasting scars. i look at the ones i have and notice how they are healing, and use that as motivation to not make any more scars. i doesn't always work, but it helps.

i like seeing the bright, red scars that appear right after i am done cutting. i find them strangely comforting. i think its because i can pin point the pain to something physical.

i don't really mind if other people see them, but i dislike talking to other people about it. mostly because i don't want to say the real reason why they are there, and most excuses sound like utter BS to me.
 
be happy!!!! lifes not that bad,

when your close to tears remember, some day it will all be over, one day were gunna get soooo high, though its darker then december, whats aheads a different colour, one day were gunna gettt sooo highhhhhh - lighthouse family :D <3 that song
 
^ :hugs:

My relationship with my scars is really strange, I think. Personally, I really enjoy looking at them, feeling them, and scratching the ones that still itch...

However (I know I've mentioned this before) my job being a lifeguard makes it impossible to conceal. Every single day at least one person asks me "what happened to your arms?" I always curtly respond with something along the lines of a fucked-up cat but I know they don't believe me. Usually after this I expereince some mild anxiety attacks and paranoia (fear of everyone figuring it out). Sometimes I get really ticked off at these people. Especially when they're strangers. I mean, even before I cut I knew what it was, and I would never ask a stranger "hey, why do you have so many scars?". Maybe they're completely clueless, maybe they didn't think about it but still, in my mind, they're insensitive.

At the same time when people confront me I feel so guilty. I feel like that crazy girl in high school who everyone use to whisper about while she passed them in the halls. I'm sure a lot of this relates back to my self-image issues but all the same, it still hurts.

I guess this rambling post has led me to suggest to those who don't cut to think before you ask someone where they got their scars. If it looks like self-mutilation it very well could be and chances are they don't want to talk about it with you right then.
 
i guess a good analogy would be:

my infrequent use of "harder drugs" is frightening to those who havent experimented with them yet.

there is nothing you can do to aid their ignorance.

you can't help it.
so i keep it to myself.

same thing goes for my scars.
they cannot understand, so don't burden their minds.

i usually wear long sleeves a week to two after. then im back to bare armed me. you can still see pink cars but they arent THAT noticeable, so fuck em, you know? if they notice, i'll probably ignore their question.

i work out too, and i'm a dancer, and i work at hollister, so its interesting to have to wear long sleeves to all these activities for a week straight.
 
I have vut myselg before. When I was in an extended depressive state a few years back, I pulled out a knife, one that had sentimental value to it because of who gave it to me, and started flashing it around my room. I watched the light shine off of the blade and admiring the sharpness of the blade. After a while, I decided to test how sharp it was and started slashing at myself. I had no direction with it, I just quickly slashed at my chest and stomach until I finally grew tired of it. I stopped the bleeding, put a shirt on and washed off the knife.

I don't typically cut myself on purpose (I'm a chef, so it happens), but I have different forms of self harm that I use. It seems that blunt object-type pain is preferable to me, although a couple of years ago I went through a phase of putting cigarettes out or hot lighters on my arm, usually in front of others. I enjoy making a spectacle of my harm, like eating the spiciest gut-wrenching peppers available and will commonly bang my head against an object to make a point.

Typically, after I hurt myself - intentionally or accidentally - I start laughing. However, this is not a laugh like hearing a funny joke; it's not a laugh like I'm happy that it happened. I'm not sure what it does sound like.

Is self-inflicted, non-blood pain included in self-harm or is it masochism and therefore different?
 
I've always wondered if other people think a great deal about the placement of their cutting. I mean, for me, there's a lot to take under consideration:
1. how much pain I want to deal with
2. how much blood I want
3. where people will least likely see it or suspect it to be self-inflicted.

Sometimes #1 & 2 override the ultimately most important elment, #3. If I want the best combonation of blood and pain I go for my arms, but if I'm paranoid and want lots of pain I'll cut up my hips... however, for me, the hip region is hard to get any lasting marks because the sensitivity/lack of solid muscle/bone.

Perhaps this is too morbid to even write down but it's what I think about before cutting. Hopefully this doesn't make me crazy. ;) haha.
 
i think most people take those things into consideration after they have injured themselves a few times. the first time i did it, i didn't care if anyone saw. i wasn't thinking that far ahead.

now i stick to doing things in places people will never look, like the bottom of my feet. i have also started burning myself more because the blisters are less obvious. altho i miss seeing blood. as weird as it is to type that :\


that_guy, i am also masochist... but when i am cutting, i don't get pleasure out of it. just a sense of calm. when i am engaged in something with my BF, i get immense pleasure from it and rather turned on. i usually feel ashamed after i hurt myself, whereas with my BF i feel vigorated. i wonder if other people are like this?
 
Wow, I'm back at this thread :) It's been a very very long time since I've cut or even had the urge to cut.
However, the wide scars on my upper arm remain. I have spent far too long feeling ashamed and have decided when the weather gets warmer I'm going to start wearing sleeveless shirts in public (it's been 8 years since I've done so)
I'm just so sick of hiding.
 
glitterbizkit said:
For all you others cutters or ex-cutters- what is your relationship to your scars? How do you deal with other people seeing them?
Click to expand...
I used to wear long sleeves all the time. I don't cut so much anymore, but when I do I wear long sleeves till the scabs have gone.

My relationship with my scars changes....sometimes I'm proud of them, becuse they show that for what I've gone through I'm still here. Sometimes they make me sad, because I look at them and know how much I have hated myself at times. But I would never ever get rid of them, because whatever they are they're part of me.

I know when I'm on pills or drunk I don't care so much if people see them or want to talk about it. Actually, I generally prefer it if people want to talk about it. I would rather talk about it than have people be scared to bring it up...
 
^ I wish I had the kind of mentality that you have about your scars. I hesitate to tell anyone the truth becuase I'm so terrified of being judged.

This is new for me because I use to be so secure. I mean, I honestly don't care what other people think about things like my hair, clothes or anything else material but when it comes to something that shows my 'true' darkest self, I'm really paranoid. Ugh.
 
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