First all..... Yes, it shouldn't really be glorified. And yes, people who just do it to seem 'cool' really do make me angry.
Those kinds of people who go around showing people there cuts and saying "look at me".....
I know for a fact people who cut for a genuine reason are most the time very ashamed of there cuts and what they do to themselves. They also hate other people seeing any cuts or scars on themselves.
anyway, in answer to all the people who say "I don't understand how you could do that to yourself....How could you do it??" well, here's my to cents as you Americans say;
Okay , it's like this:
Sometimes I get so angry, or frustrated or just feel empty and numb, that I can just feel all of this swelling up inside of me. Literately, I can feel it in my stomach and I shake and tremble and just feel like I want to climb out of my own body.
I remember feeling like this when I was very little, and back then I would scratch myself with my finger nails or sometimes pull my hair out or squeeze my skin until it really hurt. It would make me feel calm again.
But about 4 years ago, when i was at college, I began to take blades, glass, scissors , bottle tops, wahtever, to my arms and make cuts.
I managed to stop after 2 years, but i've recently 'relapsed' and started to do it again.
Anyway.....all I can say is that when I cut it's because i'm feeling stuff inside that I can't get out in any 'conventional' way. I'm just awful about opening up to people. I bottle everything up. I've been that way since a traumatic childhood experience.
When I cut I feel an instant relief. That horrible feeling in my stomach subsides, I stop trembling, and this huge feeling of calm and tranquility comes over me. I don't feel numb anymore.
Not many people know that when you cut, endorphins are released by your body. This explains the 'rush' , or rather 'tranquility'. And it's been suggested this is what makes cutting so 'addictive'.
Indeed, I find it extremely difficult to break out of patterns of cutting....it does seem to run in cycles most the time.
Anyway, post cutting is completely different... Sure cutting makes me feel better initially, and after the initial 'euphoria' comes a few hours of calm and focus, but the next morning I usually start to feel a lot worse... I start to regret it and feel dirty and ashamed. I also feel extremely vulnerable during this time, very fragile. It doesn't take a lot for me to get upset and cry.
I know it's almost impossible for people who've never self-harmed to understand this completely, but hopefully this'll inform you...Hopefully you'll acknowledge that self-harmers do have a genuine problem in coping....and aren't attention seekers.
I hate Marilyn Manson for creating that stigma.... As if cutters don't have enough to go through without being called attention seekers.
grrr
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