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Coping with the ugly stick

To be honest I agree with care but it amounts to "quit being stuck or suck it up" which i've been clear from the beginning is my attitude. Going to the gym wont change the structure of my face at all. My physique yes but my bone structure will still be the same, i'll just be ripped and ugly rather than the lean mean hideous machine. Synthetic's advice was completely on target. Youve made me remember that just because the world perceives me as ugly doesnt mean that I deserve to be in pain that I deserve the cruelty ive experienced - I can also appreciate that youve gone through similar things to me so you genuinely appreciate where im coming from.
 
going to the gym is a mental boost rather than a looks boost in my opinion. it eases your mind and you can look back and think "yeah i achieved this today" and motivate yourself to go do more etc. you also remember that the world youre speaking of is a massive spectrum of people. there are some who will be assholes, but others who really will appreciate who you are. i know i appreciated my girl and may she sleep peacefully now. she was bullied incessantly. you dont deserve any of the pain that youre going through or the cruelty being put onto you. i completely understand where you are coming from and dont worry. things will get better. stop the drugs. do some exercise and get out and socialize. remember that you are a beautiful person and you clearly have a huge personality that is never expressed to anyone because youre too shy, coming out and speaking to people helped me through it. it was extremely difficult at first i'll tell you that but it did help me a lot. dont let people bring you down because that is what they fiend off. they fiend off your fear and sadness. put your middle fingers up and tell them to fuck off (dont actually do it in your head lol). smile at them if they put comments towards you and say "thanks a lot" they will never expect it to happen. they want you to get angry and upset. once they know they cant break you they will stop it (almost straight away, literally). those people arent even worth dealing with to begin with. find some real friends although it may take weeks, months or however long. you always have a goal infront of you. don't let anyone bring you down because you do NOT deserve any of it.
 
Exercise does change your face. Your nose gets wider, your neck and jaw get more defined, your skin becomes more radiant, etc. Opiates change your face as well-- they mess with hormones, they leave circles under your eyes (and leave them looking "listless"), etc. I would argue that depression and lack of confidence are reflected on one's face as well, as we clearly recognize our own mental states in others.
 
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buckle if you would like to speak on pms to me about anything feel free buddy. will reply as quickly as i can and you can tell/ask me anything knowing it wont be told to anyone else. :)
 
My suggestion: Bucklecroft should PM GenericMind a link to an anonomously-posted photo of him, which GM would keep confidential. The photo could be uploaded to any free web photo hosting service, such as tinypic.com, from which a link to the picture can be copied. I wouldn't trust GM in the Lounge farther than I can spit, but in SLR he is pretty much spot-on all the time. He could give you some honest feedback, if he would be so inclined.
 
It hurts to see you feeling this way, even though I don't know you.

I highly doubt you are as ugly as you say... it's probably your self loathing attitude that people are reacting to.

Even if you are as ugly as you say, you should still rock the confidence. I've seen loads of "ugly" guys who were sort of hot because of their attitude. Who cares... life is short. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, nourish your skin. No one has inherently "ugly" bone structure, sorry but I don't buy that.

Anyway, there is no reason you can't still have love, a good job, or anything else you want. There are so many women out there who feel just like you do and would probably kill to be with someone like you. You just have to believe in yourself. Sounds cheesy but it's true.
 
hahaha bucklecroft isnt my actual name - I just plucked it out the ether, totally off hand name. Cheers for making me smile dude ;-)
I'd love to change my name to be frank pun intended. It makes me sound like a real old skool etonian - more finchley park than clapham common
 
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Bucklecroft -

I'm here because you posted a great study in ED and I have looked through some of your posts.
I felt the need to contribute.

I am less namby-pamby than most BL members.
I don't think everything is 'subjective' and I DO believe in truth, solid evidence, and an ultimate answer to many of life's questions. This is one of the reasons I like reading scientific research.

I assume you share this trait with me, but regardless I think you would benefit from my realistic approach.
I will back up several statements on this thread first...

Drug use can indeed cause drastic alterations to people's face.
Aside from the rather serious deterioration seen in meth/cocaine users...
Any stimulant like MDMA can cause a change.

I must admit to a real worsening of the bags under my eyes this year.
One of the more interesting facts I learned about serotonin this year is that it contracts smooth muscle throughout the body. The intestines are the primary site of this action, being the largest group of smooth muscles in the body. But underneath your eyes exists another set.

MDMA releases massive amounts of serotonin, which suppresses dopamine in the brain and interferes with normal neuronal function. Serotonin increases also cause a huge increase in bloodflow and glucose consumption as the brain attempts to compensate.

One of the compensatory mechanisms occurs when the hypothalamus tells the adrenal glands to release HUGE amounts of cortisol. The stress hormone goes up 800% above normal in most MDMA users!
And it increases the metabolism of serotonin, helping the brain to lower the toxic amount present.

Cortisol not only lowers serotonin, which weakens the smooth muscle throughout the body, it actually destroys collagen. The collagen fat which is intertwined with the smooth muscle is broken down into its constituent amino acids.

So doing MDMA, and other drugs, causes smooth muscle to relax and destroys collagen.
I'm sure I'm not the only MDMA user to experience bags under the eyes after rolling especially considering the lack of sleep. And I should point out that other sources of cortisol will cause the same effects, although to a lesser degree.

This explains why some people have more haggard faces than others as they age.
Some of them have saggy faces and bags of death under their eyes!
Cortisol is not good for the aging process.

What makes drug use even worse, is that they can cause brain 'damage' or alterations which cause an ONGOING increase in cortisol for MONTHS or years after abstinence!
Lots of recovering drug users experience long-term stress and depression, which wreaks MORE havoc on their faces than the actual drug use!

That's all pretty fucked up to know.

Now for something a little more subjective, or namby-pamby...
On the days that my eyes looked the MOST baggy this last year, I also had the most cortisol.
This seemed to be directly tied to the level of depersonalization I felt.
In particular, I found it hard to RECOGNIZE myself in the mirror - even if I stared into my own eyes for several minutes. I literally didn't feel like I was REAL.

Somedud, another recovering MDMA user, has made repeated statements about his eyes being 'dead'. About the 'spark of life' missing...

I can't help but refer to scientific explanations involving smooth muscle and collagen, but I must also contribute the subjective effects. Why is the smooth muscle integrity under the eyes DIRECTLY tied to the level of depersonalization and personal FACIAL recognition?

It's like the serotonin nerves that control smooth muscle under the eyes innervate a circuit in the brain critical to facial recognition!

Loss of serotonin in these circuits could be driven by ongoing cortisol release seen during 'recovery'.
And the drop in serotonin might worsen the external appearance of the eyes AND the internal perception of self.

I was told earlier in the year that my eyes didn't look NEARLY as bad as I thought.
And I questioned several people on several occasions.
They each told me I thought it was worse than it really was.
There was definitely a change, but my perception of it seemed to exaggerate how bad it really was.

And I suspect this is true for both Somedud, and you.
I thought this might help.

However, as I said...I believe in solid truth.
And this applies to things other than science.

I do believe, based on your description, that your facial structure is a problem on its own.
When you express such certainty about how ugly you are, it seems pointless to me to oppose you.
The repeated reactions of other people, upon seeing you, is a more reliable measure than self-diagnosis.
At least to a point...

It is notable to mention that the perception of 'ugly' varies widely across cultures.
'Beauty' is a lot more universal, with facial symmetry being scientifically supported as a leading indicator of attractiveness across cultures.

But there is no such standard rule of 'ugly'.
I personally think aborigines have pretty damned ugly faces...
But do you think other aborigines think this?
And what would they think of me?

Even if most cultures agree that facial symmetry is important, they do NOT seem to agree on just how 'ugly' other features are....
And most people with rather remarkable or unusual facial features tend to be 'normal' within their own genetic environment.

It makes sense...
If you grow up seeing people that look like you, your brain will not perceive it as ugly.
Your facial recognition software, which is very unique in humans, will adapt to the environment it is in.

Normally I would assume that you have simply been raised in a culture that is not genetically your own.
But this doesn't appear to be the case, based on your parent's remarks.
This also poses a problem for making assumptions based on genetics....
Do you not resemble one of your parents?
Are you adopted?

Just about every 'beautiful' and 'ugly' person I have ever met looks pretty much like one of their parents. And quite often the offspring are gifted with good features from each parent, resulting in a child that is even more attractive than the parents. This is especially true of racially mixed children.
The more genetic variety involved, the better the resulting facial features.
At least according to the 'symmetry' guideline.

Conversely, if limited genetics are involved...esp. inbreeding or incest its more likely that 'ugly' facial features will result.

Even if genetic inbreeding is not a factor, it is quite possible that you have a chromosomal anomaly.
There are many illnesses that have a genetic cause which cannot be attributed to the parents.
It just happens.

All of this discussion does nothing to really help you, beyond gaining a further understanding.
You may indeed be cursed with a face that most of us would not want.
Drug use worsens most peoples attractiveness, as does aging...but for you this might make a bad situation worse.

Understanding that it really doesn't address the core issue, I still recommend against using drugs for a LONG time.
You might be surprised at how healthy lifestyle can improve both your internal perception and your actual external appearance.

The same goes for exercise.
While having a good figure does not alter the facial structure...
It WILL improve serotonin function in the brain and possibly TIGHTEN up some of those smooth muscles in the face!

Sleep is also very important for the collagen under the eyes.
Overall healthy diet and exercise will make you FEEL better, which will lessen the importance of your looks. If you are focused on working out, depression becomes MUCH less unlikely.
Don't exercise for your body or your looks, do it for your brain function.
The benefits to the brain are only beginning to be understood.

And one day most of your peers will be FAT anyways.
It is a rather disgusting trend in our generation.
Age brings fatness.

I have always been more disgusted with fat people than ugly ones.
I would much rather have an odd-looking face than a lard-infested frame.
And since being overweight is almost ALWAYS a choice, it adds a level of disapproval that feels justified.

So by choosing to exercise, you will inherit one HELL of a consolation prize.
Everyone ages, but not all of us get fat in the process.
I'm 30 years old and in the best shape of my life.
Even when I was 16 and working out for six months, I couldn't achieve the level of muscle I have now.

Being in good physical shape, avoiding drugs, sleeping well, eating healthy...all of these things will help.
So does smiling.
Being happy and LOOKING happy makes attractive people look MORE attractive.
And makes 'ugly' people look less 'ugly'.

If your teeth are fucked up, I recommend dental surgery or braces.
Strongly recommend.
Bad teeth will contribute a LARGE portion of 'ugliness'.
And those can be fixed.

Plastic surgery is more complicated, and I think that less is more.
People that have too much plastic surgery on their face often look WORSE as they continue to age.
But if you are really struggling with your appearance, I have no moral objection to you seeking out a few procedures. While most people are vain about it, you sound like you have real self-esteem issues that go well beyond what most people deal with.

If you can manage to afford the surgery, you should do it.
And dental work shouldn't even be questioned.
If you wear glasses, consider contacts or at least frameless glasses.

And consider your age a factor.
The bones of the face don't finish forming until mid to late twenties!
I know quite a few really attractive people that were NOT very attractive in their teens.
Some hot celebs looked quite awkward or even 'ugly' if you see a picture from 16-18 years old.
At the same time I knew several kids who were quite cute in their early teens, but as their faces continued to form as adults then turned out to be quite average.

I really do think the most attractive faces do not attain their potential until true adulthood is reached. That means the early 20s at the earliest.

I was one of the pretty average teenagers.
I never felt 'ugly' but I was always slightly dissatisfied with the face I was given.
Imagine my surprise when I re-evaluated myself as a grown man, only to realize that I am actually pretty decent looking. Not a model, but certainly above-average. %)

And above all, try to understand that physical attractiveness is not something given to all.
There are FAR more unattractive or average people in this world.
If you go by television and movies we should ALL have very long and symmetrical faces.
This just isn't reality.

Remember when I mentioned that being around people that looks like you influences how the brain is wired? What effect do you think TV and media have on people's brain circuitry?
Facial expressions are a unique form of communication, something that animals are not gifted with. Recognition of faces and their expressions is a very highly evolved cognitive ability.
It is a key feature of dysfunction in conditions like Aspergers and Autism.

Besides all the suggestions I have given....
There is money.

While being truly unattractive can make being hired or promoted more difficult (the same is true of fatness), I have NEVER heard of a truly brilliant person having professional problems due to their looks or weight!

Being smart and talented is WAY more attractive to a company.
You just aren't old enough to really know this yet.
You might want to avoid Sales or Management as a career, but other than that the doors are wide open to you.

And with a good income, you can buy all the plastic surgery and WOMEN you want.
That is guaranteed.

So lighten up about it.
Laugh about it.
Accept it.

And get to work.
 
FBC that is one badass post - read through it all which isnt like me at all haha. Everything you said struck a chord with me. Im coming to terms with the fact that people perceive me to be ugly. Im learning to appreciate life without the need for approval or romantic adoration. That kind of happiness independent of other people is worth 1000x more than any other kind since its more permanent less fragile. One day I may indeed wake up and be gorgeous george but when/if that day comes I will have learnt skills that I would never have learnt otherwise.
The way my life turned out has been dictated by my appearance. Ive dug up dozens of memories where i've been at the receiving end of discrimination or mockery for my apppearance and its damaged me. However were I attractive I would have coasted along with the world on a string.However I wouldnt have the internal life I have now. Ive retreated inward and become very introspective and that in turn has made me acutely self aware - if im honest self awareness is worth being ugly.
Being self aware means that I cannot delude myself. When I do something im ashamed of I own it completely but at the same time I never allow myself to become consumed with guilt - I simply move on and learn from the mistake. Moreover being ugly has allowed me to understand the meaning of the phrase beauty is in the eye of the beholder - I mean really understand it and live it. To survive my mantra has always been that what is on the outside is the polar opposite of the inside. I can apply the same rule in relationships. In fact I find that I gravitate towards women with "Imperfections". Cover girls and celebs hold no appeal for me since their faces seem manufactured while a slightly crooked nose or assymetrical smile imparts a human glow to the face.
 
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This sounds so cliche but once you become comfortable in yourself, other people will find you attractive. 9/10 of getting a partner is confidence, it causes the attraction.

I was severly hurt by two girlfriends (now exs) at 16 and 17 that ended with me in hospital for the first, and dropping out of sixth form the other. That jaded me from women, and I didnt grow "attatched" to anyone from then on. I used to the kind of bloke who wouldnt even pop round the shop without straightening my hair, showering and aftershave I was THAT CONCIOUS of what people thought of me, but after that whole fiasco I stopped.

I started becoming more confident in myself purely because I didnt care what women thought of me anymore, and ironically actually got me more women. Now I'm 20 in a few days, got a gorgeous caring girlfriend who wouldnt fuck me over for the world, all because I got my mind right....

Rinse and repeat my friend, you're not ugly, you just think you are ;)
 
Bucklecroft Rudy said:
So... as you may have inferred by the title I haven't been fortunate in the looks department lol. I used to be a beautiful little kid actually but somewhere down the line something went wrong and my features sort of look....wrong. I've been told it a milllion times and i'll admit it hurts every time, but worst of all is the looks I get as I walk down the street, purposeful social exclusion etc. Being ugly you really see how much average-attractive people take their looks for granted. Everything is 10x harder, not that im self pitying (done all that haha) but just to leave the house takes herculean amounts of courage.

Im 20 and my life has pretty much been fucked over by my face. From my dropping out of uni to my addiction. Ive got somewhat of a reputation in the local community as a bit of a freakshow since i'm mostly housebound, add to that my meltdowns which I imagine are audible for miles around and the problem is only compounded. Worst of all is the fact that I havent had any action at all. Of course of got a man sized libido but i've had to really fight to repress it/divert it and I suppose ive succeeded. Man it depresses me to fuck when I see hot girls or couples, and in the end I always end up reutrning to my little room.

Im pretty much a failure. My folks hate me because im...me lol. I dont bother socialising because the whole social hierarchy just makes matters worse. Man I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Suicide has crossed my mind countless times, but ive got this residual belief in God which stops me. Countless times i've considered that this might be hell or purgatory and the pain gets so bad sometimes that I dont even need to convince myself. And it all comes down to the way I look.

Sounds pathetic I know, but I never had any problems with life before I realised that I was ugly. Before, I was dimly aware that I wasnt attractive but ugly? That was a word I associated with disfigurement quasimodo etc, turns out im in the same league by the world's estimation. If I were good looking i'd take the world by storm, but as it is i'm just too beaten down by it all to care about.. well anything.

Anyways rant over, guess I needed to vent. The original question I had was how do you guys cope with being ugly? You can answer hypothetically too lol. I think its an interesting question since physical attractiveness is a necessary prerequisite for a lot in society.
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As you move a year or two into your twenties your face will mature and your looks will likely improve or at least take on character.

Secondly, 20 is a tough market for a average Joe in the dating market. Couple of years you become a much more valuable commodity. You'll be prime material for the 18-20 year old chickies and girls a little (or alot) older will consider you for some fun without losing any face with their bitchy girlfriends.

Thirdly, with each passing year appearances become much less important, increasingly people rely on your body language and the set of your face (as opposed to its features) to make judgments about you.

If your social form is currently a bit lacking, patiently work on your confidence and social communication, ensure that you learn something for any awkward situation. You might not be casonova by the end of the month, but forge ahead knowing both time and the learning curve you have set yourself upon are both working in your favor. Success is inevitable.

On the other hand, the easy option is to keep telling yourself that your looks are to blame for all lifes problems. Do this and when you reach the time that looks are of far less consequence, your confidence may let you down.
 
Bucklecroft Rudy said:
There was a time when girls were into me. Were I not so caught up in my vanity I could have had a pretty decent sex life but I just couldnt believe that attractive girls would see me as boyfriend material- in that respect I fucked myself over. Itll be painful but I reckon i'll come out of this with skin six inches thick.
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dude...you're twenty!
i know that adolescent awkwardness can last a long time, but i didn't get laid until i was 20 - like you i had no confidence and thought i was hideous.
7 years later and i walk with my chin up (friends have commented on my swagger) have a great relationship and attention from girls when i don't want or invite it. things turned around completely for me, it's certainly not out of the question.
as others have mentioned, how you carry yourself has a lot to do with how you are perceived by others. when i felt ugly, i was treated like i was. now that i don't feel that way, i don't get that response any more.
don't give up, just try and find a way you can work with what you've got.
 
Bucklecroft Rudy said:
It started during my year at uni when I was about 19. Went to Liverpool uni UK and its pretty much a student city. I had alot of exposure to alot of people and I started to see the signs. Ended up retreating into myself smoking ridiculous amounts of weed and bombing out towards the end. Was a disaster. Got worse after that. Ive been called ugly to my face, seen folk looking at me as if i'm something straight out of star trek you know the score. I could go on and on and on with examples but that'll only bring me dooown.
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Did I write this when I was high?? Hah no really, I feel the same man and it sucks. I hope you feel better about yourself soon and learn to be proud of who you are!
 
jazz hands said:
This is the kind of stuff from your mind that is reflected in your appearance.
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^^^^^^^^^^^

100% correct..........I have a friend that looked 10 years younger. She was 30 & looked 20 until she started using coke & heroin for about a year. She looked like she was 40 after her hard usage. Shes 33 now & looks about 5 years younger again. She quit drugs, got a healthy lifestyle & is very positive & happiness comes from within & it does show on your face with a radiant persona......

OP: I do feel for you as there are people that will always have these issues & people will always tell you to think positive & what not but until someone has actually lived in your body, they will never know..............its easy for good looking people to give advice to unattractive people (not saying you are unattractive) in general, but at the end of the day, there is only 1 person that looks in that mirror............

Like others have mentioned above tho, we all have seen unattractive men with some of the hottest women.........like that picture that was posted above with that older gentleman, haha, he must be paying for that action when you're that old.
 
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