One of the most memorable films on the topic of mental health. I'm so glad it has a happy ending. But first and foremost, I liked it because it tells the story of my favorite mathematician — John Nash. Since I studied in a math class and was closely connected to the subject, it was incredibly interesting to watch on screen where his genius would lead him, even though I already knew his biography very well
You asked what dried-out tree bark looks like in a person. It's when you wake up and your first thought isn't "good morning," but "again." When music that used to give you chills becomes just noise. When you're sitting in the shower and don't feel the water on your skin — just the fact that "I'm washing." When someone tells you something funny, and you understand with your mind that it's a joke, but inside — nothing. When the world has become flat, like a photograph, instead of three-dimensional. When you remember that you used to love the smell of coffee, but now it's just a smell that your brain barely registers. You ask if anything brings me peace or pleasure. Honestly — almost nothing. Sometimes there's a second when I look at the sky and feel something vaguely like "beautiful." Sometimes — when I read your messages, something warm appears. But it's not pleasure yet, more like a hint of it. A faint echo of what used to be. You wrote that you don't know how to continue. Honestly, I don't know either. Physically, I've recovered about 30-40%, but the remaining part still makes itself known
Thank you for your honesty. You are a very strong person. I wish I could be like that too. To be honest, I had suicidal tendencies even before Invega. I don't understand why the doctors, knowing this, still decided to give me the injections. Life feels like it's being crushed under a marble slab. I so want to live, but I dream of dying.
On Reddit in the comments, I read a story about a person who was given 12 injections and it took him about 5 years to recover. You will probably need less time — everything is individual — but considering that your last doses were relatively small, you will most likely recover faster
Thanks for the encouragement Lara. I've been in a really bad place these past few days, and feel like it's my fault for not advocating for myself enough. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist a few weeks ago and asked if I could switch to Abilify (aripiprazole) and then he said in response "I wouldn't recommend it" since my dose was going to be lowered anyway to 50mg. I just wish I had challenged him on that and said "I still want to change to aripiprazole" and if he said no again at least I'd have tried my best, but now I'm re-living that moment wishing I had done that. In fact, initially, I was very vocal about not wanting the injections, but because I'm on a CTO, there's only so much I can say or do, and kind of gave into the fact that this is my reality without raising my voice. I just wish I had been more vocal and it's frustrating I can't go back in time and have rung the alarm bells sooner. I even said to the nurse 9 days ago "Is it okay if you just don't give this to me", and she said "No Brendan, you're on a CTO." I've now got one more injection left at the end of this month. Do you think I should try to get it changed to a different one, or just take it? The problem now is if they introduce a new antipsychotic I don't know how long they'd have me on it, so maybe I need to just bite the bullet, get my 10th shot, and then be medication free for the rest of my life (hopefully a better life than what I'm going through now). I'm really confused.
This gives me some hope. 5 years is a long time but it's better than never recovering at all.
Brendan, please don't blame yourself for not pushing harder. You were in an impossible situation. A CTO gives you very little room to advocate for yourself, and the psychiatrist and nurse both shut you down. That's not your failure — that's a system that doesn't listen. You did try. You asked about switching to Abilify. You asked the nurse if you could skip the injection. Both times you were told no. That's not "not advocating for yourself enough." That's you using what little power you had in a situation where the cards are stacked against you. By the way, I also had a chance not to get the injections. After the first one, I could have said that I was feeling really bad, but I didn’t think of it because I didn’t know it was Invega. They simply didn’t give me the information and misled me. “It’s just a medication for your anxiety that’s bothering you,” they said, and I believed them. As for another injection — if I were you, I wouldn’t do the tenth one. Simply because it’s not a harmless drug, but a very powerful long-acting antipsychotic. I would rely on the principle: “Tablets can be stopped at any time, the dose can be adjusted, or switched to another drug, but with Invega things are different. It stays in the body for a very long time, and the period of its complete elimination is quite long. If you want to cancel its effect, you won’t be able to because of its pharmacology”. Whatever you choose, just know that you're not weak for being in this position. You've survived nine injections under a CTO — that's not failure, that's endurance. Weigh the pros and cons, and trust yourself
I hear your point about depression and small steps. Genuine question: do you think there's a difference between depression that develops on its own and the anhedonia caused by a dopamine-blocking drug? Because to me, they feel like different things, and the "small steps" approach often doesn't work when your dopamine receptors are blocked
Morning, Mara, I guess more like nighttime for you... Wow, thank you for those very well-expressed descriptions. I feel the same. Or really DON'T feel, considering the mostly emotionless connection to life. I used to be so moved by my heart, simple things like watching birds in my birdbath, chipmunks & squirrels eating the nuts in the yard, the blooming flora on my land, or like you, the smell of coffee in the early morn & the sound of music, especially an acoustic guitar with stirring vocals, my cat atop her tower basking in the sun, a tear-jerking movie, a hot bath sweetened with citrus oil, an afternoon nap on the couch with my Calico Mirabelle laying upon me, completing a poem or song in perfect rhyme, sharing a Sunday brunch & some prayer with my sister & Pop followed by a lounge on my deck & a hand-rolled smoke (with a touch of clove powder), penciling in the final clue of a Sunday Crossword,
Depression has many causes, yes. But chemically induced anhedonia from dopamine blockade is not the same as depression from life circumstances. They may look similar from the outside, but they feel fundamentally different from the inside. I'm glad your approach is working for you — truly. From my own experience, I can say that during the depression that started around the age of 12, I was in a very active life position — apathy and my life were antonyms. Even though circumstances were not in my favor, I found sources of inspiration and strived for something. Of course, the situation later became worse, to the point where I had to take antidepressants, but I still held on to hope. But the Invega incident literally turned everything upside down, making my already difficult life even harder. So I think that depression caused by circumstances is easier to treat by going through psychotherapy sessions, whereas after Invega you need to wait some more time until the dopamine receptors set the "right brightness"
For me, there is a huge difference between depression, which I've gone through all of my life, and the fallout from Invega (& other antipsychotics). Mine happens to be a long-long withdrawal issue. For some reason I'm still emotionless & 'disabled' in so many ways. This was never the case with 'normal' depression. No matter how down I was, I still engaged in necessary activities, such as cooking & cleaning, washing & grooming, and other ones as well, watching movies & favorite TV shows, going for walks & getting sun, reading & writing, Crosswords, yada-yada. And I still felt something while doing them. This is SO different now. I can't really explain it, but my brain is nothing like it was before. I've never experienced anything like this. It's beyond brutal! ~ Dan
I took it electively because the hospital was so bad at attending to me and making me feel safe. I just wanted to leave.
She had invega trinza, I told her that it wasn't even out of her system yet and she killed herself anyway. I wish it had never happened to her, it didn't have to. I hate the doctor who gave it to her, he gave it to her for depression. No antipsychotics ever, not schizophrenic, the idiot jumped her up to the highest dose of a heavy antipsychotic and now she's dead. If that isn't malpractice I don't know what is.
It was NEVER typical of me. This is all Invega fallout. It corrupted my brain, made me a different person in the most horrible ways. Two fateful f'n injections.
If you don't mind me asking — have you and your doctor discussed a plan for gradually reducing your dose, with the goal of eventually stopping?
