Alright everybody listen up, I bet you guys thought I was ghosting the forum but nah....
So today marks my 1 YEAR anniversary since my last shot of (39 mg) Invega Sustenna. And I?ll start off by saying shit still fucking sucks... BUT I?m feeling much better.
Improvements:
- I no longer have to worry about what I eat, and I?ve started to gain muscle again.
- As long as I run 3-5 miles a day I?m mentally clear, and at a place in my mind where I still feel the medication (blocking my receptors) but it?s not like months before when just getting off the couch was hard or finding motivation to simply load the dishwasher
-my appetite is basically normal, no issues
- I look ?less? medicated than I did during months 1-7, my right eye feels like it?s in a fixed position but if I take vyvanse the issue goes away so it?s dopamine related (blocked dopamine)
- I no longer pee up to 5x a night. I can sometimes go the whole night without having to pee as long as I go right before bed
-my gums and teeth health are better, gums no longer weak and inflamed, and teeth have stopped shifting
- I might have hope in getting rid of the gyneclemastia in maybe 3 months as my hormones start to normalize and I enter lipolysis more.
- I can get full erections but orgasms are really fucking underwhelming
- CBD has been a godsend in getting my emotions, mood, etc back, along with epsom salt baths, taking ice cold showers (usually right after), and exercise.
But I still have some complaints, at 12 months out:
-I wake up up to 3 times a night, although my sleep has gotten better
- I still can?t fully enjoy watching a movie or tv show or basically sit comfortably for any more than 40-50 minute intervals. (Unless I take a ton of CBD, Benadryl or something to make me ultra relaxed)
- my heart still isn?t working like it used to pre Invega
- my pupils still are pin points for the most part and barely responsive to light- Comorbid sensitivity to sunlight as well, though half as bad 12 months later
- lights still leave an after image in my retina when I look away, it?s like a bright light lingers for a second after I move my focus to another object, It?s only slightly better than it was when on Invega
- Total emotional range is only at 50%. I now smile bc I?m getting into the holiday spirit, I get coffee ?just because? and songs (certain ones) get me going, which is kinda nice. But emotions don?t last more than maybe a couple minutes, then I?m just in this empty headspace, almost like where the ghost of Invega resides, where tangental thoughts, insights, and stuff are close but still blocked by this fucking poison.
- I get this feeling sometimes, where it?s like having OCD and not being able to fulfill your rituals- it?s SO frustrating bc it makes me feel out of control, where my new, better, homeostasis is almost in jeopardy if I?m not able to work out, take my baths, or control my surroundings as I recover. Idk it?s weird. But it?s like feeling fragile, tho not as emotionally fragile as I was like 5 months ago.
- if I burn myself or get a cut it takes FOREVER to heal. Still. Bruises take longer. Fucking annoying.
- my hands and legs still sometimes go numb if I?m in the same position too long.
- anxiety is not at all as bad as it was, I actually look forward to doing things like leaving the house, grocery shopping, maybe even kicking it with a friend or something. The only thing that holds me back is the appearance of my eyes (it?s like I have a lazy eye unless I take a stimulant) bc I SO desperately just want to pass as normal after the fuckery I went thru in my mind being scared and intimidated by how empty my mind was while on and coming off of Invega. Now that my confidence and personality (for the most part) has come back, I just want to do normal people things and I?m so close but still afflicted by this withdrawal.
- I sometimes get so furiously angry that it feels like almost manic but i think it?s like a rebound from the Invega sometimes.
-my skin is still stretchy bc I lost 70 lbs from the 205 lbs I used to be at while on Invega, I hope my elasticity improves
-the way I move my muscles and expand and contract them has been more organic I?d say. Let?s just say I?m reaching the axon potential to use like 85% of my musculature, it still sucks tho so that?s why I?m listing it as a downside but at least I?m feeling more symmetrical rather than as if all my muscles are warped. Posture has improved tho a lot.
So yea basically I stopped coming to this forum bc I was feeling more and more like a normal person, but then you kind of hit another half life in the withdrawal cycle and then come back to this place to check in. Oh yea I met someone on Tinder and fucked them today lol, I got super nervous you could hear I was nervous by my voice shaking but at least I got that kinda interaction.
I really need to work on my people skills too tho, I literally only talk to my family and a friend or two for the past 2 years barely leaving my house bc this fucking drug. It?s just with Invega it leaves u feeling stunned when talking to people so ur not ever operating on their level. It?s like trying to be conversational all the while being noticeably nervous, unable to think abstractly to continue the conversation from topic to topic, etc. like if I only had to interact with people thru typing my responses I?d be set, I?d be able to relay my personality and humor and shit, but when talking face-to-face it?s like doing ur first public speaking course or something. Basically I come off as if something?s a little off or maybe that I?m nervous, which is a godsend so far bc before it probably was ?what the fuckkk is that guy on? kinda thing. I?m being self deprecating but dude, I loooked MeDicAtEd.
I?ll say I?ll be recovered definitely a good few months into 2019. I still haven?t napped in 3 years, or had deep sleep when u wake up and say damn that was great. I feel like the ability to be comfortable and fluid in social/public situations, the ability to nap, the ability to express complex thoughts and emotions, and the ability to perform intermediate math quickly are all the things that come back last In the withdrawal process. Memory too... my memory is kinda shit.
I want to say hi to @invegauser and also @zack365 bc they?re all who I recongnize now. Hope all is well. I?ll read up on ur posts after this.
If anyone has any questions let me know, I?ll try to respond. There?s hope, but you may not have the capacity to hope yet. Just don?t kill urself, i know the thought is frequent sometimes but yea just don?t, you?ll thank urself once the poison is out.
Oh yea also not suicidal anymore, no thoughts that make me feel like I have PTSD, where I feel so fucking fragile I can?t stand it. And songs that used to get stuck in my head ALL THE TIME no longer do, which is fucking nice. I hated that issue, some people in the past have mentioned it.
Lemme think... anything else? My dog and I now have the strongest bond. Somewhere around the 10th month my ability to be present and emotionally attentive and in tune with my dog came along. I got her right before I came off Invega, I missed her during her puppy phase bc the Invega left me lazy and sometimes unable to even have the energy to take her out to go potty. She?s now my best friend. Fucking great. If u can swing it, get a pet around the 7th month it gives u something to improve upon and live for. Lastly this is my routine:
9am wake up, coffee with cbd and sarcosine
10:30 run about 5 miles
Noon take long epsom salt bath followed by ice cold shower
1 take probiotics. Niacin, omega 3s, cbd, l-theanine, l-arginine, and tumeric
2 eat
3 jack off
5 eat
8:30 another epsom salt bath followed by ice cold shower
9:30 take 20-30mg melatonin and cbd to fall asleep while watching Netflix.
Yea so life is boring but the routine and shit makes me feel on top of things.
Much love u guys, seriously I?m still in it but I?m above water at this point. Once u can tolerate the constant discomfort of Invega is when the recovery truly starts to take place. Best to exercise like 5x a week atleast 30 min to get the chemistry back to normal. Also sorry for the long post but it?s been like 2 months I think. Or at least it feels like that. Thanks for reading.