Hi there,
over the last year or so, I've started using coke on a regular basis (strictly intranasally), mostly in order to escape my chronic depression and to get myself to do some work, be it a job-related stuff or my creative outputs such as writing or music. Before that, I was sometimes using a designer drug known to me as "Charge" to achieve the same results. It honestly worked much better than coke but also came with horrible, soul-draining comedowns (much like speed, for better or worse, does), and eventually, the source ran dry and a much less effective substance was substituted for it (the original one was flephedrone, a mephedrone derivate, the other one I don't recall but it sucked). At the same time, I gained a ridiculously easy access to coke and gradually succumbed to it, ending up using it far more regularly than anything before. The quality was not always the best (I had one other source which gave me a pretty solid point of reference regarding what good coke is about), but (probably) regardless of that, the desired effects were increasingly less reliable and the negative effects such as increased heart-rate and general physical discomfort became a common issue.
At some point, I sought treatment and among else, started taking drug tests every week. However, due to a pretty rapid pharmacokinetics of coke, it left me with some limited opportunities to go on with using. So right now, I am treating myself to half a gram once a week, as a sort of reward for enduring the whole week being more or less functional while experiencing a severe mental suffering most of the time, despite regularly taking high doses of SSRIs and Lamotrigine + occasionally some Modafinil. The thing is, it mostly sucks. It stimulates me for a little while, but soon, it just starts to feel uncomfortable. Above all, it makes me extremely aware of my heart activity - even though my heart rate remains between 110 and 120 bpm (which I understand is still below the truly alarming numbers) and mostly regular, I just become overwhelmed by the very sensation of the heart beating and the slight yet continuous chest pain to go with it. I am pretty sure it has something to do with the effect of various cutting agents such as caffeine, lidocaine, benzocaine or levamisole, but at the same time, it feels like a sign of my body being no longer able to handle the effects of coke, possibly even having developed some kind of cardiovascular issue as a result of the regular use in the past year. It might also be psychosomatic to some degree, me getting used to carefully watch myself and eventually augmenting the symptoms such as tachycardia just by worrying about it too much. However, I usually end up taking the edge off with some wine or beer, no matter how big of a no-no it is to my liver... Such outcome is not unfamiliar to me, but currently, it has pretty much become a rule. And I find it odd in a way, since I have been now for some time sticking to a much healthier lifestyle, eating well, regularly exercising, having stopped smoking months ago etc. Which makes me ask some ludicrous questions such as - could it be that the more fit I am, the less capable I am of handling coke? Was I previously able to use it at times even daily because my body was so fucked up that it sort of accepted it as a standard contribution to its metabolism?
All in all, my question is: Regardless of the great individual variability of how all these different factors may manifest themselves, would you ascribe the undesirable effects of taking coke once a week, as described above, to the poor quality of the product or rather me having become so maladapted to the effects of coke in general?
No matter what the answer is, it is obvious that I should just ditch the habit entirely, since it only does me harm by now. I guess I continue to pursue it because no matter how bad it may feel, it still takes my mind off my usual shit and thus offers me some kind of temporary relief...
Anyway, sorry for tl;dr, by all means, I will appreciate any sort of feedback. Thanks.