Kay I'm starting to calm down a bit. A friend dragged me out to go watch a football game with him and it cleared my head a bit. I'm really grateful for all your answers. this is going to be a really long post as I'm going to answer all of you because I think that's the least I can do considering I might not be here right now if it weren't for all of you.
Okay i felt like this for the past i don't know 5 years on and off at times. I have absolutely fuck all going for me, I'm broke, most of my friends are moved away or dead or in jail or so fucked up even i don't want anything to do with them. I'm stuck in a shitty town that's a hours drive from civilization where there is sweet fuck all to do except drink yourself blind and get fucked up on whatever. This is not even mentioning the fact that i have bipolar disorder that is at times not controlled that well at all and i have trigeminal neuralgia aka the suicide fucking disease which is the most painful disease on the goddamn planet.
But somehow I'm still here. I am 30 years old now and i can remember thinking about killing myself as far back as 11 years old atleast. A few times i tried passively to kill myself with drugs and alcohol but apparently i am a tank when it comes to ingesting drugs. It was only the other week when i was ranting on here about how my life is not worth living. I was doing nothing but sleeping the days away and only getting out of bed to shoot up. I was seriously thinking of just blowing my head off with some 0.0 buckshot and being done with it all. But i didn't.
All i can say is that the only thing certain in this world is change. I have gone from feeling like the lowest sack of shit to feeling like the luckiest bastard on earth within a few days. And vice versa as well
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
. The way i look at it is that we put everything else off so why not put off killing yourself?
I don't even know you except for a few threads and pics Ive seen of you on here and i am not bullshitting when i say that it seems like it would be a awful loss if you killed yourself. You seem like a pretty awesome person and you are damn pretty as well. There are enough arseholes in this world so we need people like you to stick around and balance out the good vs bad.
I don't know what else to say really except that i really hope you don't do yourself in. If a miserable cunt such as myself can hang in there I'm sure you can as well. Also if you ever need to talk to anyone feel free to hit this miserable old cunt up anytime.
And anyone who likes Jimmy page is not allowed to die
Well paranoid android, you know what I think of your answer. I really can't thank you enough for contacting me last night and bearing with me for hours. I owe you so much. You're a great guy man, seriously.
I think you help a lot of people. If that can sustain you - helping others, giving - until you have your own reason then so be it. Be headstrong in this case and persist through it.
That's nice of you to say but I doubt it's true I help a lot of people. I've become so self-involved with my own meaningless life that I haven't even been there for those who matter. But I appreciate it
I really hope you don't decide to Pagey. I Don't think you would have made this thread if even part of you didn't want to die, I know you would love life if you were able to enjoy it. I hope you realize that your life will not be consistently this way, it's an adventure until we're meant to die. Learning to appreciate the world we live in is very difficult, and who can blame you? The world we live in is very cruel and so centric around being unhappy, I wish things were different but I know many people will agree with me when I say not killing myself and moving was probably one of the best choices I ever made, and my friend just recently told me he agrees with that after going through the same thing. You are a person who holds a lot of value and I would be sad to see that gone from this world.
It's funny because I did try to kill myself back in april and got extremely close to it (it's a miracle I survived) and since then whenever a suicide thread pops up I tell people I've been happy I've survived ever since; but I realize I'm really kidding myself and it's just not true, if there's one thing Im sure about it's that I'm not happy I survived. I say that because I hope it'll help others and maybe they will be one day but I just can't apply it to me. It's so hypocritical.
Pagey I wish I could offer you an easy way to fight this. It's hard when you feel you have nothing to look forward to, believe me. I cannot remember a point in my life when everything just seemed to go wrong like now. I hate my shitty life. I lost my mother in January from cancer. Quit my shitty job a few months ago. Can't find work now. My son was ordered to go to rehab by the courts last month. I miss him terribly. Broke up with my dickhead boyfriend. What else could go wrong. Oh yeah, my car broke down earlier this week and have no money to take it to the shop. I'm hoping to bounce back but feel I've lost the ability to do it.
Gotta keep going no matter how hard it gets. I keep telling myself this. You should too. Anything can happen to us, anytime, any moment. We can't just give up. I'm a good listener if you want to pm me. What happened that made you feel this way?
I'm sorry it's been so tough on you. As you said, I don't know what to do when I have nothing at all to look forward to. I just feel like life has nothing more to offer me and I've got nothing to offer to the world so I may as well just leave it. I feel like my existence is pointless.
Pagey I keep on going to see what happens next. Thats the beauty of life. I dont see the point in ending it because I love the constant struggle and seeing whats gonna occur next. I urge you to do the same,
Wish I could but I just don't know how to do that...
Pagey babe
I've seen your beautiful smile in the picture thread
and you've shared your beautiful heart on here
. I understand times seem bleak sometimes and it's easy to think of the escape and how peaceful it can be. You are a beautiful person inside and out and you'll find happiness one day soon
. Don't cheat yourself out of that.
Thank you stardust. I really hope you're right. I don't remember feeling happy at any point in my life and I guess I've given up on the idea that happiness even exists and I just feel like everyone is kidding themselves - and it's just more worth it to get out now instead of suffering more
No reason to live? Nonsense.
How about this amazing guitar?
You can experience that, and a thousand other Jimmy Page triumphs, again and again.
An entire Led Zeppelin concert, free, on Youtube? Yep.
Music, art, breathing the air, feeling all these things, is more than enough of a reason to live.
Ridiculous. The entire concept of "deserve" is deeply flawed. That is based on human values. But life is based on the values of the universe / nature (or God, Buddha, Zeus, whatever).
If your body is still alive, your job is to do the best that you can.
Are you a prophet, who can feel the future?
Most of us have to make the future. You can, too. Try to make each day a bit better than the one before.
You won't always succeed. Two steps forward, one step back. Keep trying.
Are you scared of being lonely? Maybe you can invite loneliness to dinner, and get to know it better. It is really not so bad. The fear of loneliness is the worst part. The actually loneliness is quite freeing. Hardly a reason to die.
On the other hand, if you don't want to be lonely, you can reconnect with old people or try to connect with new people.
So many options! All of them better than dying.
Peace
Haha. The part about Led Zeppelin did make me laugh. I guess I should at least stick around long enough to see their new movie come out and John Paul Jones in concert. thanks for reminding me of that.
Because of seeing this thread, and your user name, I went back and am now listening to Led Zeppelin for the first time in a long while. See? You are helping people.
Definitely near the top of the list of most amazing ever. From age 17-25 or so they were my favorite band. I listened to Physical Graffiti essentially every day for a year, and it never really got tiring. That was 20 years ago, and I have explored so much music since then, even foraging into genres I never would have imagined myself liking.
Things change with time, and what looks like the end of the road today may turn out to be concealing an unimaginable side-path or two.
This is a reference to your life situation.
I still listen to Zep every few years, for a few days or a week straight, and it is still amazing.
But the point is this:
Times get tough, and we choose to keep going, or not.
If we keep going, it makes us stronger.
Like going to the gym, dealing with pain is like working out your muscles.
The heavier the weight you lift, the stronger you become.
Emerge from your difficulties in some unexpected, amazing direction, like "What is, and What Should Never Be".
It feels pathetic but reading about them does make me feel better. Thanks for making me think of that
First off dude, stop. Take a breather, meditate, pray. Notice the fact that you're still alive and be incredibly grateful. If you were addicted to drugs, you're lucky to be alive, out of jail, and out of rehab. You're obviously a smart and beautiful young lady, going to college, and you are nowhere near the best years of your life. You've obviously not lost all, the photo you posted of you in the leggings shows a happy soul shining through what may be depression or a broken heart. We have many similar experiences, so I will tell you this- what happened to you when you were younger only goes to show how far you can climb to become who you want to be-in a good way. Being an adult means accepting (and selectively forgetting) the things that have scarred you in the past. You've no need to remember these things every day. While it is important to process what you went through, it's also detrimental to your growth and ultimate happiness if you linger too long.
If you don't see the point, wait a little longer until you do.
Everything comes full circle, and you're probably just in a transitory phase atm.
Two songs come to.mind-
The Middle-Jimmy Eat World
The Last Song-Yelawolf
hang on, dude
Thank you pastel. I wish I could forget some of the things but whenever I try it just seems to turn into repression and then it comes back months or years later and hurts a billion times more. But I'll try
Look how many people here care enough about you to pour their hearts out to you . That is something. I know I'm new here, but damn I'm really impressed, and you are a member of this community. That is something. Never give up. Never.
If you're feeling like this get help, talk to someone, and DO NOT give up!
You wrote how you're at a university/college go see a free counselor/therapist there and talk to them. You will feel better.
I see both a psychiatrist and psychologist but I can only get an appointment a week which doesn't feel like enough at all considering I don't have anyone else to talk to. But when I see my therapist on wednesday I will tell her what happened and hopefully we can work something out.
The way you talk about it, it sounds like an accident.
Accidents are best considered to be accidents.
If you were irresponsible, use the situation to learn responsibility.
No use berating yourself about what's already done.
Get a therapist.
Reach out to people.
This is a problem that can be dealt with.
You may have many problems to deal with,
but you deal with them, one-at-a-time if necessary,
until they have been dealt with.
Language like "can't" usually is not taking responsibility.
Want to learn to control your own thoughts better?
Do yoga, exercise, meditate.
I highly recommend a course in vipassana meditation.
There is probably one not to far from where you live.
http://www.dhamma.org/
In any case:
Forgiveness is key.
Even self-forgiveness.
Especially self-forgiveness.
I know I should forgive myself but I guess I don't think I deserve to...wow, I'm realizing the concept of deserving keeps coming up in what I write but there you go. I don't think I'm a good person and I don't think I'm worth fighting for.
please don't kill yourself your so nice to everyone else use some nice on yourself from what i can tell you deserve to be happy so try and find some inner peace please
Pagey if you could have anything you wished for, what would you like to happen ?, if money was no object what would you like to be doing ?
I'd like to get together with this guy. He's by no means the reason why I'm at this point but I feel like he would give me a reason to hold on at least. But it's probably not going to happen so I should just forget it
^that's a great think to ask yourself, gets me out of feeling like i just want to die.
all that matters is right now, don't think of the past, the future, what's going to happen or how, just breathe. When i remind myself of this, it helps.
i know the feeling though; gray skies are gonna clear up.
We all seem to focus on the bad things going on and easily forget the good. Youre so young and have a lot going for you. I wish i could travel europe again, youre smart, funny, beautiful, loving, caring, and a key part to my recovery. Im sure im not the only one to say that i need you. We all need you here at TDS. Focus on the good things in your life. I love you pagey. Never forget that.
-sero
(B)
I really appreciate all you've done for me serotonin. I don't need to go into details, you know what it is. You've been a great support to me
Pagey, I miss talking to you in Pm's. You've been such a huge inspiration for me and I'm not sure where I would be now if it werent for you. Please come back!!
Thanks again for saying that. It makes me feel good to know I've been able to help you, almost inadvertently. I hope you continue to do well, you really don't need me to continue with the progress, trust me on that.
Pagey i dunno where to even begin dude,
first off the feelings - I know it seems intolerable at times but even long term feelings pass... the biggest pizza with your favorite toppings eventually is finished and that pit in your stomach is full. Feelings come and go!
You are a big contributer around here and I think honestly it is your underlying self esteem / self worth isue stemming from depression that isn't being treated correctly that makes you feel this way. Add on top of that any recreational drugs you may do and it's sure fire way to end up wanting out of a tedious existence.
Now from personal experience, I've loved our conversations and I can sense your positive energy. Sometimes we are so focussed on our problems and negative traits as we perceive them that we cannot stop and just appreciate the fact that , " Hey that guy on BL was having a real rotten day and I reached out to him" - did that make his day, maybe, maybe not - but you did the best you could!! Until life is fair hard times and shit luck will befall us all, good or bad. And you are certainly GOOD people. Love you hun, you hang in there.
-john
I've loved talking to you as well. It's nice to know you think I contribute here. I guess that's at least something to stay alive for. If I can't help myself I can at least try to help others
No wai!
Don't do anything silly.
You got loads of support here.
It might take a while for you to feel better, but you'll get there.
I can tell you for myself, and only speak for myself, that I never started to see changes until I went into an environment (longer term 3 month program) where everrrrything was regulated. If you fucked something up ( Oh ya , counsellors / techs / staff can swear all day,but if clients do they are thrown out) you are kicked out and can appeal. The appeal takes two weeks !!!
Bottom line is if you REALLY want to quit, you don't pick up that day, that minute or micro second of ann urge you have. Get involved in NA maybe ? They did a lot of good for me and I am certainly not a saint. If you do end up going make sure you raise your hand and say look im new I need a homegroup and a sponsor I am about to have my life stripped from me.
I've tried NA a few times but I never really got into it. I don't like the concept of a higher power and I just didn't manage to feel comfortable there. I think that's one of the biggest problems, I don't have any sort of support group at all so I just feel utterly alone to deal with my feelings.
Hi Pagey, you don't visit us in SLR as much anymore, and then I came across this thread and it made me sad.
I'm just curious, does this have to do with that guy you met? Honey, don't let some dude put you in this kind of mood. I hope he hasn't done anything dickish, has he?
Hey Lysis, if I manage to work things out with msyelf I'll definitely come hang out on SLR again. To be fair I haven't been on BL much at all lately and when I was it was really jsut to moan about myself on here and be super self-centered...
No it doesn't really have anything to do with him. well - I guess I was counting on him too much. I just really wanted (and want) for us to get together and I felt like that would give me a reason to go on but with every day that passes I think it's getting less and less likely,but since it's still unsure I'm not even able to just let go and move on. As I mentioned earlier he's by no means the reason I'm here today but I wish we oculd be together and I know things would at least be a tiny bit better. But no he hasn't done anything dickish, however I have the impression the feelings he said he had for me are going away.
Once again thank you everyone. I'm glad I posted on here. I don't think i would have made it otherwise
