bye

[Pagey]

I've pretty much made up my mind. I don't see a reason to go on. I guess a part of me wants to find a reason not to or I wouldn't be sharing this but no, there's no reason. I don't see any alternative. I don't want to continue living like this, in fact I don't want to continue living at all. im sorry about making yet another thread but hopefully i wont be around much longer. thank you so much everone. i guess i'm hoping someone here can give me a reason, i dont know. i have no one

 

[tokenname]

because these feelings and circumstances you're in never last.
nothing does.
we're all going to die anyway.
go do something you actually wanna do instead.
wouldn't you rather go out doing something you've always
wanted to do..than to go out and let the shitty part of life win?

 

[Pagey]

i've been feeling ilke this for years. ever since i've actually been old enough to really have an independant mind. there's literally nothing i feel like doing anymore

 

[tokenname]

i get that you don't feel like doing anything..
i do..
i'm not a stranger to depression or feeling like giving up.
but deep down..we can all look for something we've always
wanted to do...or have been afraid to do.
we've all got that something..even you.
promise

 

[paranoid android]

Okay i felt like this for the past i don't know 5 years on and off at times. I have absolutely fuck all going for me, I'm broke, most of my friends are moved away or dead or in jail or so fucked up even i don't want anything to do with them. I'm stuck in a shitty town that's a hours drive from civilization where there is sweet fuck all to do except drink yourself blind and get fucked up on whatever. This is not even mentioning the fact that i have bipolar disorder that is at times not controlled that well at all and i have trigeminal neuralgia aka the suicide fucking disease which is the most painful disease on the goddamn planet.

But somehow I'm still here. I am 30 years old now and i can remember thinking about killing myself as far back as 11 years old atleast. A few times i tried passively to kill myself with drugs and alcohol but apparently i am a tank when it comes to ingesting drugs. It was only the other week when i was ranting on here about how my life is not worth living. I was doing nothing but sleeping the days away and only getting out of bed to shoot up. I was seriously thinking of just blowing my head off with some 0.0 buckshot and being done with it all. But i didn't.

All i can say is that the only thing certain in this world is change. I have gone from feeling like the lowest sack of shit to feeling like the luckiest bastard on earth within a few days. And vice versa as well . The way i look at it is that we put everything else off so why not put off killing yourself?

I don't even know you except for a few threads and pics Ive seen of you on here and i am not bullshitting when i say that it seems like it would be a awful loss if you killed yourself. You seem like a pretty awesome person and you are damn pretty as well. There are enough arseholes in this world so we need people like you to stick around and balance out the good vs bad.

I don't know what else to say really except that i really hope you don't do yourself in. If a miserable cunt such as myself can hang in there I'm sure you can as well. Also if you ever need to talk to anyone feel free to hit this miserable old cunt up anytime.

And anyone who likes Jimmy page is not allowed to die

 

[motherofearth]

I think you help a lot of people. If that can sustain you - helping others, giving - until you have your own reason then so be it. Be headstrong in this case and persist through it.

 

[Pagey]

thanks for the answers but i dont know...i think i'm going to do it. i just cant go on. i don't knw what else to say. i cant deal with this

 

[badfish45]

I really hope you don't decide to Pagey. I Don't think you would have made this thread if even part of you didn't want to die, I know you would love life if you were able to enjoy it. I hope you realize that your life will not be consistently this way, it's an adventure until we're meant to die. Learning to appreciate the world we live in is very difficult, and who can blame you? The world we live in is very cruel and so centric around being unhappy, I wish things were different but I know many people will agree with me when I say not killing myself and moving was probably one of the best choices I ever made, and my friend just recently told me he agrees with that after going through the same thing. You are a person who holds a lot of value and I would be sad to see that gone from this world.

 

[privatestock1988]

i feel u pagey i been that way most of my life but lately i been doin better u got to work at getting your life better. its hard and some days i feel like not going on too but i keep lookin to the future. maybe things could be good

 

[T. Calderone]

Pagey I wish I could offer you an easy way to fight this. It's hard when you feel you have nothing to look forward to, believe me. I cannot remember a point in my life when everything just seemed to go wrong like now. I hate my shitty life. I lost my mother in January from cancer. Quit my shitty job a few months ago. Can't find work now. My son was ordered to go to rehab by the courts last month. I miss him terribly. Broke up with my dickhead boyfriend. What else could go wrong. Oh yeah, my car broke down earlier this week and have no money to take it to the shop. I'm hoping to bounce back but feel I've lost the ability to do it.

Gotta keep going no matter how hard it gets. I keep telling myself this. You should too. Anything can happen to us, anytime, any moment. We can't just give up. I'm a good listener if you want to pm me. What happened that made you feel this way?

 

[Pagey]

badfish you're right, there's a part of me that doesn't want to and that's why i made this thread. but i feel like that part is so infinitely small now it's not worth listening to it. i guess i hoped hearing all your answers would make that part bigger and it did a little. i'm glad i wrote about this. i hardly feel better but now i feel like maybe i could feel better, if that makes sense.

t.Calderone i'm sorry to hear about all your problems. i really hope things will get better for you soon.
as for what happened, i'm just going to copy what i wrote in the suicide thread earlier tonight:
well...to sum up, i grew up with an abusive (physically and psychologically) father, a suicidal mother and raising my own sister while dealing with being told i wasn't worth anything every single day by my father, and i was a waste of space and shouldnt be alive. when i was 14 my best friend died and i feel like it's my fault and haven't been able to talk to anyone about it at all and i cant stop thinking about the guilt. i've had eating disorders since about that year and hate the way i look. in fact i hate every single thing that makes me, me. this last year the one person in my family i felt was actually remotely proud of me died. my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me with a close friend of mine though tbh i dont even care about that anymore. he was psychologically abusive and for 2 years made me feel like i was stupid and worth nothing and i thought that was a normal relationship because the situation between by parents fucked me up. i was raped and i'm ashamed of that and of what it's done to me and when i told my boyfriend he didn't help or care. i was addicted to drugs. i tried to kill myself and failed and have been regretting that failure for every single day since. i feel like there's no future ahead of me. i've shut myself from every singe person iin my life who ever cared about me and i'm now entirely alone and i don't even want to try to reconnect. but i'm still lonely so i have no fucking idea what to do. i feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. i can't see any quality worth fighting for in myself or anything in my life worth hanging on for.

 

[done juan]

Pagey I keep on going to see what happens next. Thats the beauty of life. I dont see the point in ending it because I love the constant struggle and seeing whats gonna occur next. I urge you to do the same,

 

[stardust.hero]

Pagey babe I've seen your beautiful smile in the picture thread and you've shared your beautiful heart on here . I understand times seem bleak sometimes and it's easy to think of the escape and how peaceful it can be. You are a beautiful person inside and out and you'll find happiness one day soon . Don't cheat yourself out of that.

 

[slimvictor]

No reason to live? Nonsense.
How about this amazing guitar?
You can experience that, and a thousand other Jimmy Page triumphs, again and again.
An entire Led Zeppelin concert, free, on Youtube? Yep.
Music, art, breathing the air, feeling all these things, is more than enough of a reason to live.

i feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live.

Ridiculous. The entire concept of "deserve" is deeply flawed. That is based on human values. But life is based on the values of the universe / nature (or God, Buddha, Zeus, whatever).
If your body is still alive, your job is to do the best that you can.

i feel like there's no future ahead of me.

Are you a prophet, who can feel the future?
Most of us have to make the future. You can, too. Try to make each day a bit better than the one before.
You won't always succeed. Two steps forward, one step back. Keep trying.

i've shut myself from every singe person iin my life who ever cared about me and i'm now entirely alone and i don't even want to try to reconnect. but i'm still lonely so i have no fucking idea what to do.

Are you scared of being lonely? Maybe you can invite loneliness to dinner, and get to know it better. It is really not so bad. The fear of loneliness is the worst part. The actually loneliness is quite freeing. Hardly a reason to die.
On the other hand, if you don't want to be lonely, you can reconnect with old people or try to connect with new people.
So many options! All of them better than dying.

Peace

 

[done juan]

pagey its NEVER too late to start again. ive learnt this.

 

[slimvictor]

Because of seeing this thread, and your user name, I went back and am now listening to Led Zeppelin for the first time in a long while. See? You are helping people.

Definitely near the top of the list of most amazing ever. From age 17-25 or so they were my favorite band. I listened to Physical Graffiti essentially every day for a year, and it never really got tiring. That was 20 years ago, and I have explored so much music since then, even foraging into genres I never would have imagined myself liking.

Things change with time, and what looks like the end of the road today may turn out to be concealing an unimaginable side-path or two.
This is a reference to your life situation.

I still listen to Zep every few years, for a few days or a week straight, and it is still amazing.
But the point is this:
Times get tough, and we choose to keep going, or not.
If we keep going, it makes us stronger.
Like going to the gym, dealing with pain is like working out your muscles.
The heavier the weight you lift, the stronger you become.
Emerge from your difficulties in some unexpected, amazing direction, like "What is, and What Should Never Be".

 

[medstudent123]

Just imagine, turning back now and then reading this thread sober a year later, with a life in order.

 

[pastelcircus]

First off dude, stop. Take a breather, meditate, pray. Notice the fact that you're still alive and be incredibly grateful. If you were addicted to drugs, you're lucky to be alive, out of jail, and out of rehab. You're obviously a smart and beautiful young lady, going to college, and you are nowhere near the best years of your life. You've obviously not lost all, the photo you posted of you in the leggings shows a happy soul shining through what may be depression or a broken heart. We have many similar experiences, so I will tell you this- what happened to you when you were younger only goes to show how far you can climb to become who you want to be-in a good way. Being an adult means accepting (and selectively forgetting) the things that have scarred you in the past. You've no need to remember these things every day. While it is important to process what you went through, it's also detrimental to your growth and ultimate happiness if you linger too long.

If you don't see the point, wait a little longer until you do.

Everything comes full circle, and you're probably just in a transitory phase atm.


Two songs come to.mind-

The Middle-Jimmy Eat World
The Last Song-Yelawolf

hang on, dude

 

[Master_Khan]

Look how many people here care enough about you to pour their hearts out to you . That is something. I know I'm new here, but damn I'm really impressed, and you are a member of this community. That is something. Never give up. Never.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

If you're feeling like this get help, talk to someone, and DO NOT give up!

You wrote how you're at a university/college go see a free counselor/therapist there and talk to them. You will feel better.