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Boyfriend used to smoke a lot of weed and he's tried a lot of drugs, it worries me?

E

EmLee

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 11, 2013
Messages
21
Hey, I know a lot of you are probably just gonna judge me and label me as a 'controlling' girlfriend but I'm really not. I knew my boyfriend smoked a lot of weed when I got with him and I was cool with that but that's because I didn't realise it would have such a negative impact on our relationship. During the first few months of the relationship (which is supposed to be the 'honeymoon' period) I was lucky to see him once a week because he was too busy getting stoned with his mates all the time.

I know I should've just broken up with him before I properly fell in love with him but, hey, there's nothing I can do about that now.

He's cut down a lot since then and I spend a lot more time with him but I'm still sick of how much he smokes weed, especially as I don't enjoy smoking weed myself.

As well as this, over our year and a half long relationship I've slowly discovered that he's taken different drugs (including MDMA, mcat, ket, coke, some shitty legal highs) with his mates and not told me about it. I'm in no way against drug use but I'd appreciate it if he at least ran it by me first, or offered for me to come along.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense but I'm a bit wound up about this situation and I don't know what to do with him. I love him soo much and he loves me but I'm worried he's gonna transform into a lazy super-stoner again or go take some MDMA without me and try it on with some girls.

HELP MEEEEEEE
 
Be honest, if he told you he was going around to his mates place to get high, what would your most common response be? I'm guessing it would be negative, stress inducing bollocking about how he likes drugs more than hanging with you. It's little wonder he doesn't tell you about his drug use, it probable causes less grief to do it behind your back. He's happy and you are happy.

If you want a boyfriend who you hang with all the time, you need to either accept his drug use and enjoy his company even when he is stoned or find someone else who fits your ideal. Never go into a relationship thinking you can change them for the better. Sometimes they might change their ways, but blaming him for being happy just makes you look like a controlling bitch, no matter what your best intentions are.

Drugs don't change who a person is. If he is a loyal boyfriend sober, he will be loyal on MDMA. If he is a cheating scumbag, he will cheat regardless.
 
Just have a talk with him about how his drug use DOES affect you. He needs to communicate more with you about what he's doing because it does concern you. I mean, what if something horrible happened during one of these times and you had no idea what he was doing, where he was, who he was with, etc. Tell him that you'll be more open about it and not so judgmental. He needs to give you a chance and be honest. You need to work on your acceptance an he needs to work on his honesty. Without neither, you can't have a successful relationship.

I think it's great that he's cut down on weed since being with you. :) Every little step should be appreciated. Do you want him to quit completely? And why? Have you talked to him about it?
 
One Thousand Words said:
Never go into a relationship thinking you can change them for the better. Sometimes they might change their ways, but blaming him for being happy just makes you look like a controlling bitch, no matter what your best intentions are.
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I didn't. When I entered the relationship I thought I would be okay with it as I didn't have much knowledge about drugs or the effects they would have on our relationship. When he sees his mates more than me for a few weeks I think I have EVERY right to bitch at him a little bit. Keeping quiet and letting him do what he wants does NOT work, he lost a little bit of respect for me when I did that. He appreciates it when I stand up for myself and tell him when I think he's being a loser.

Pretty_Diamonds, it's not so much of a big deal nowadays. I encourage him having an active social life, and if that means he has to get stoned now and again, I don't mind. I'm quite an ambitious person, I work at weekends whilst studying A Levels during the week. I want my boyfriend to be ambitious too. He's intelligent and a great person and he deserves more than working in a shitty dead-end job smoking weed and playing computer games afterwards. I don't want him to quit entirely, he's free to enjoy a bit of pot. I just want him to realise his life could be so much better than it is. He's 20 and I'm 17.
 
Also, One Thousand Words, he is NOT happy. I've asked him if he is truly happy with his life the way it is and he's admitted that he's not. I'm the only person in his life who encourages him to pursue dreams and real interests (smoking pot doesn't count.) and I don't think I'm a controlling bitch for doing that. I just want what's best for him.
 
Yeah, on top of the fact smoking weed makes him lazy. He hid a lot of things from me and I'm worried he'll do that in the future. He seems to have a really low tolerance to drugs other than cannabis, including alcohol, and he makes himself really ill sometimes. I just wish he would at least invite me along so I could be there for him if he gets in trouble, as well as have fun with him of course! The amounts of times I've had to look after him whilst he's throwing up from drinking too much is crazy.
 
And you love him because? So far he sounds like a drunken lazy slob who doesn't have any ambition and prefers to spend more time with his mates than you. But he appreciates being called a loser. Am I missing something?
 
Because he is a truly great guy. He's clever, funny, fun to be around and he treats me perfectly when we're together. He's so loving and kind. I think he appreciates being called a loser because it makes him realise his life is shit and motivates him to turn it around, but he never really does.
 
Like I said, you need to have a good talk about it with him. It's not okay that he's hiding these things behind your back. There's this thing called trust.
 
EmLee said:
Yeah, on top of the fact smoking weed makes him lazy. He hid a lot of things from me and I'm worried he'll do that in the future. He seems to have a really low tolerance to drugs other than cannabis, including alcohol, and he makes himself really ill sometimes. I just wish he would at least invite me along so I could be there for him if he gets in trouble, as well as have fun with him of course! The amounts of times I've had to look after him whilst he's throwing up from drinking too much is crazy.
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see I think I get the problem here. you clearly don't like him smoking pot because of how it effects him. in general society, if you're not cool with smoking pot (which it could easily seem like you have a real moral issue with it since you don't smoke and don't like him smoking, whether you do or don't), you are definitely not cool with any other drugs. this could make it feel like he HAS to hide drug use from you.
 
I guess I'm not completely sure why he has to run his drug use by you first? Or why, if he's chilling with his friends and they want to use some drug, he immediately has to think "hey! gotta call my girlfriend and she wants to join in!". I guess that doesn't seem fair?

It seems like NOW you are open about your drug use. So just keep it at that. The past is the past. So he did drugs with his friends before. What would you like him to do now? Text you to let you know every time he's going to use drugs? Besides the fact that I don't think drugs should be discussed via text, that seems kinda annoying.

I'm presuming you don't live together?

You're both young. I don't see what the big deal is. If you want to do MDMA with him, then do that (stay safe!). Don't worry that he's going to be doing MDMA with other people. He probably will. My boyfriend used to do MDMA with his friends, including his best friend who is female, all the time, without me. I'd be busy, with work or school or something, and he still should be able to have fun and use substances.
 
I think he should because he knows that it's such a big deal to her. Obviously to us, llama, it wouldn't be. But this really bothers the OP so he should be more mindful of his use and communication. Maybe she should be invited to one of these sessions (as long as she agrees to ZIP IT lol) so it'll open her eyes more? I don't know.
 
Firstly, I never once stated that I'm 'morally against' recreational drug use. I don't smoke cannabis because I personally don't enjoy the effects of cannabis - not because I'm morally against it.

I don't find the subject of drugs a 'casual' one either though, to be perfectly honest, the thought of him using hard drugs scares me and makes me feel a little bit sick. Probably because I care about him so much. Nonetheless I've never stopped him from taking anything. I just don't like things being hidden from me.
 
Should he text you everytime he does anything? Text you "hey, I'm going to the store right now" or "hey, I'm grabbing a bit to eat now"???
It seems like he's told you things now, he just doesn't tell you right away.... why does he have to tell you the instant he does anything, or beforehand? Sometimes things are spontaneous.
 
the issue is not the drugs but that in the first place he was choosing time getting stoned with his friends over time with you...

its about priorities

also i can see why you would be worried about him taking drugs without you because mdma for one makes me ridiculously horny.

if he was into you he wouldn't keep you out of his loop.

its not the drugs its the compartmentalising you as a section of his life. you want more of his time overall
 
EmLee said:
I just wish he would at least invite me along so I could be there for him if he gets in trouble, as well as have fun with him of course!
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He knows how you feel about drugs, why would he invite you somewhere when he knows he's going to be taking drugs? That doesn't sound like a situation in which you'd have 'fun' with him. If anything you'd probably seem overly mothering and he'd get annoyed/angry at you for it leading to a fight.
 
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