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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

i think that fear of the aftermath and being the constantly perplexing combination of an optimistic cynic [ish :p] i think is what makes me place finite limits on relationships...

no matter how much i fantasize, nothing can ever convince me that a relationship is forever...:\

i guess it's the difference between being a sentimentalist and a romantic. or it's not, and i just wanted to mention yet again that i'm a romantic, not a sentimentalist

:\

:)
 
I'm a romatic cynic, I want to belive in love everlasting, but am too much of a realist to do so. Oh wait that's three things, shit...
 
*high fives* butros ! ;)

i also wanted to add that the ability to consciously monitor and check your emotions is a priceless art...

the power of this is constantly amazing me. from someone who is notoriously impulsive, compulsive....whateverive...keeping a check or finding other diversions for my often "too forward" emotions has made such a difference in my personal relationships...

lol..it's scary :D
 
*joins thread*

Well its semi over- I need to find another place to live and then it will be properly over, then the sadness/growing/fearing/hopeing/ next chapter can begin.
 
Bah, Butros you are only young. When you meet the right one things will change.

I have issues aswell with relationships etc, but i am not stressing about it because i know that once i am ready and meet the right one, my frame of mind will change.
 
Question for ya'll....

Who cheats more, women or men?

And what are your views on cheating, is it ever acceptable? Why do we do it? Is a one night stand or ongoing affair worse?

What are YOUR thoughts?

Adikkal
 
^ I think it's pretty even. Studies have suggested that men cheat marginally (key word marginally) more than women and from my own personal experience I'd tend to agree with that.

My personal views on cheating is that it need not exist in my life, at this point in time. Talking concepts of exclusive relationships, open-relationships are the way to go. Why bother yourself with the stress of whether your partner is cheating on you or if they would, when you could be having great pillow talk about fantasies you both have re: other people?

I hate wondering, being in the lurch is one thing my head doesn't cope well with - at the same time I'm a very accepting person... if I know what's going on, I can cope with just about anything. That includes my s/o being with other people... infact, I generally like the idea and it plays a role in my personal fantasies on a regular basis.

I don't think cheating is acceptable - I think we should all be in relationships suited to our needs. Obviously if you're having to break some sort of moral responsibilty by cheating, that relationship isn't suited to you at that point in your life... Still (as SLM would say), the 1 chance rule is probably a safe rule of thumb to stick by (assuming the relationship is otherwise healthy). People do make mistakes and they can be just that... mistakes. If you've got a *really* good thing happening, it makes no sense to me to throw it all away because of the 1 mistake that is most likely deeply regretted.

If it happened recurringly, the cheater needs to be involved in a relationship that's fair and just on their partner. A type of relationship that allows them to do their thing, yet allows their partner an equal ammount 'freedom' to be with others, so to speak! All relationships have a set of agreed upon 'rules', some relationships just have more rules than others...

I've spoken to a lot of people who are in exclusive relationships who cheat and asked them why they didn't go for something where they could be fairer on their partners? I seem to get a response along the lines of "I'm too jelous a person to acknowedge that someone I care for is also with other people". Sad but true! :( Too many members of society have one set of rules for themselves, yet another for their partners.

I think it stems back more to fear and feeling inadequate. Have they actually given something new a shot? Searched well and beyond their comfort zone? no... (not the people I've spoken to anyhow).

I was once like this too - could get overwhelmingly jelous at the drop of a hat! I didn't like that about me, I hated it... I forced myself to push my own boundaries, try new things (no matter how uncomfortable) and I *shocked* myself. I realised that all the fear lay within my head and once something actually happened, it wasn't bad at all - like I had expected it to be.

My own head, for a few years, dominated who I really was as a person. Tried to tell me what I'd hate, without even experiencing those things. Since taking the chance and stepping outside my comfort zones, I've discovered a lot more about myself as a person. As a result, I am *genuinely* a lot better off. Word of advice: Try new things people, even if you don't think you'll like them. 2 years ago you wouldn't have caught me saying a word of this - now I'm reccomending it!
 
Mary Poppins said:
i definitely think that in most cases, when it comes to personal relationships, it is rarely a simple as right and wrong, because all actions cause reactions, and though some of these actions might be seemingly passive, they can still cause quite significant and or volatile reactions.

I want to put a situation up, and like most hypothetical situations, it actually does resemble something i've come across, this particular example, when I was faced with it, per se, definitely gave me a lot to think about.

Ok.

first, the facts, prima facie. A couple, have been together 5 years, live together, are seemingly happy. The guy cheats on the girl, with a series of different partners, never consistently the same one, and the girl finds out, they then break up.


Ok...at first glance I'm sure it seems like the guy has done the wrong thing. And the girl is the innocent party.


What then if I added to the fact that due to emotional issues of her own, the girl had been holding out on sex, despite the guys advances, for a large proportion of the time during the past 1.5 years of their relationship. She constantly denied him pleasure and the pleasure of pleasuring her, and used this leverage as emotional blackmail to assert power over him.

The guy had only been cheating for the past 6 months, and still maintained all other aspects of treating his girlfriend properly.

See - to me, examples like this, and I realise not everything DOES have this many layers, but if often does, reassert to me the complexity that is humanity.

I feel in this case, both parties would be equally responsible, though just because society has taught us that monogamy is the only way to have a meaningful relationship, that the guy's dishonesty and adultery in the relationship would seem infintely worse to onlookers.

I guess, the point of this rather pointless post :\ is partly my take on what 1234 posted, and also to present another point i've been dwellling on quite frequently because of various situations my friend's and i have been in.

anyway...respond at will, if you even want to :)

thanks for reading my pseudo philosophising :D
Click to expand...

sorry to quote myself - but i thought it fit in well with the questions addikal posed.

i'm of the opinion that cheating is not ALWAYS wrong. it really depends on the context - how much either parties have contributed.

many times i feel that monogamy is an unnatural situation for humans to be in, and it is sometimes better to let people get it out of their system [say - a one night stand with someone you want to fuck but have no emotional attachment to] rather than letting it all stew up inside which can then manifest itself as resentment towards your partner and end up being worse than if you had just gotten it out of your system.....


might write more later :)
 
Cheating.

My good friend Mick Mars, guitarist for Motley Crue, says something along the lines of how he is always faithful in relationships because if you start planning to be playing outside of the field you begin to think your partner is as well, breeding distrust and ultimately driving a wedge in the relationship.

I think an on-going affair is infinitely worse because then it is not only physical, but emotional as well.

And I think it happens so much because people have lost the ability to communicate effectively.


(No.... Mick Mars is not my good friend at all. But he writes about this topic in the Motley Crue tell-all biography The Dirt)
 
basically i think cheating is a physical manifestation of a couples relationship problems that they hadn't been properly addressing and now they have to.

i have real issues with people lying to me. i'd always prefer it for my partner to be honest with me than lie to me. for this reason i also find on going affairs to be worse than one night stands.

essentially i'm against cheating. i've never cheated or been cheated on but i know that it would be something that i'd find hard to get over. basically i have trouble trusting people in the first place but when i do start trusting you i really open up and i expect you to treat me with respect. that's why if my partner were to cheat on me i would wish that they told me about it straight away for otherwise knowing how i am i'd have real difficulties being able to ever forgive them.

also i agree with what Shnouzerpuff said that people have lost the ability to communicate effectively. it's very sad but t'is true.
 
Hrmmm, well.....

I feel men were originally programmed to spread their seed. Nature has made it that way..... Not all men do this, but a few do. They love their wives/girlfriends but nature sometimes sets in. But this doesn't apply to *all* men. There are some out there who are very trust worthy.

As for women, well.... i do indeed think they are fooling around alot more these days. You see, women seem to have alot more independance these days. They dont seem to need a man so much anymore.They work on their own careers, they build their own life style for themselves. They dont rely on men anymore to bring the bread and butter. We make our own bread and butter. So therefore, i feel this means we also dont stay with men we are not happy with either. If we feel neglected, or just are not getting what we need out of our relationships, we will get it else where. Now i am not speaking for ALL women, please keep that in mind. Just speaking in general that these days women have the courage to go out and find something better. Whether they have good reason to or not, they are just doing it more so these days.

So about 5, maybe more years ago i would have said i feel men tend to stray more... but these days i think it is pretty even. And depends on the person, however. Same with anything really.

So yeah, there is my opinion on the matter :)
 
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i would say men more than women, as far as i can see with my own group of friends... having said that, i recently found out that a female friend of mine is cheating on her husband - but she's only the 2nd female that i know to have an affair
 
I had a very lengthy discussion about this with a friend recently and, after seeing the demise of some of the strongest relationships i know due to infidelity, we have concluded that everyone is susceptible to cheating. Humans arent conditioned to only have one partner for a lifetime and, regardless of male or female, its gonna happen. You can be as madly in love as you can possibly be with someone but sexual chemistry and sexual energy and raw emotion has the power to override even the sanest of humans.
 
^^^That sounds like a copout to me.

The fact of the matter is that we as a society have become too aware and as such are always looking for that perfect person because there are so many people to choose from. If we were to live in a desolate village and only knew say forty people the chances of settling down are not straying are far greater.

I also think that there is no reason to cheat. Break up with your g/f / b/f first and then go screw around, I mean just because you are planning to anyway it doesn't make it acceptable until you have broken up, it's just being fair to your other half rather than rubbing their face in it.
 
I think that both men and women have an equal capacity to cheat, but their REASONS for cheating are different.

If it's a long term relationship i find women tend to cheat because (and this is a generalisation) they want and need attention and they simply aren't getting it from their partner, so they look elseware.
Out of all my best friends, EVERY single one of them (5 in total) has cheated on their CURRENT boyfriend, the guy they claim to be totally in love with. Not one of them has ever told the guy and i doubt they ever will, nor has he ever found out or even suspected it.

To me, i've always been under the impression that for someone to cheat on you they obviously dont love you or respect you. I hold this belief because i have cheated on someone before and that's how i felt. It's the only time i've ever cheated and i did it because i was in this 3month realtionship with a guy who i wasn't even that into in the first place, and the guy i cheated on him with was my ex (who is that guy for me that i'll always love). But my exact feeling's were that i cared more about getting with my ex for one night, then my whole relationship with this other guy (i know that is a shitty attitude but hey, i was young!).

But anyways, this leaves me confused becasue i fully believe my friends when they say that they love their man. So it leads me to believe that a women is more after emotional love than physical attention (which is still equally as bad) and that men when they cheat are mostly after the pure physical side rather than emotional support.

Then to go even further i'd say that all women want is the attention from their man again, and then everything is sweet (like my friends), but for men it's like they 'lose' that attraction to their gf and go off to find someone who they are more physically attracted to.

(this is only my generalised OPINION)
 
^^^fair call.

I've never cheated on anyone, and honestly don't think I ever could do it.
I would break up with someone before cheating on them.
I don't like the idea that I could possibly hurt her emotionally if she found out, even then it wouldn't get that far.
I'm too honest with my feelings and emotions when it comes to relationships I guess.

I haven't been in a relationship for ages, been single for a while now, really doesn;t bother me much.
If I'm to be in a relationship, I want to be sure it's one I will want to commit myself fully to, something worth waiting for. Something not worth cheating on.

One of my mates still cheats on his girlfriend of three years, who no doubt will end up marrying her, he obviosuly loves her and still cheats. I think hes just a fiend when it comes to any sex at all.
I don't get it really.
 
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