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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

I know what you mean Chik... I've got ALOT of really high standards...
Number one: She Has To Be Breathing...
Although, it's not a MUST... I don't know I'm in a really really fucked up position. I was to be with someone again, to be able to feel secure, but on the other side, I've got so much fucked up shit in my life, I wouldn't want to bring someone into it. I couldn't do that to them...
 
Thanks Chik. Your totally right and it's so obvious that i havn't been picky enough. I've been so wrapped up in finding a partner that i have just been taking whoever comes along and hoping that luck will take over or something.

I think it's time for me to concentrate on me and me only and just stop seeing anyone right now. Obviously it's not the right time for the right person to come along and i have been trying to push the universe into delivering them to me.

When the right person comes they will and hopefully i will know.

Apart from that... no more boys!

It's time for just me :)
 
ToM-OoO said:
im happy being single... concentrate on achieving some things first.. having a girlfriend, it clogs my mind... sorry ;)
Click to expand...

Right on! You certainly have plenty of time to worry about women later on. Relationships certainly take up alot of your time, so while you have this free time make the most of it :)
 
Haha, Chik together we will rid the thread of negative attitudes and instill a sense of wanky self help pretentious affirmations! ;)

Seriously though, you've got a very similar attitude to mine. I'm done lowering my standards for people. I don't NEED a girlfriend. I've got to the point where the thought of having a girlfriend means i have to reconsider things, do i really want that lifestyle change? Could there be someone better for me round the corner?

I really don't know what to think. If i get a really good vibe from a chick i'll consider her as a future relationship prospect and give it further thought. However i'm very sure not to open myself up too early to avoid getting burned. I WILL get burned, we all do, it's just a matter of time. My aim is to minimize the pain by not involving myself too emotionally until i deem it appropriate.

So yes, this means controlling emotions.

peace

Adikkal
 
Relationships aren't the problem, relationships are perfectly fine in my eyes...

The problem with relationships are the people in them, it seems that once two people enter an *exclusive* relationship, they both begin to think they have tabs on each others lives. I don't cope well with this... :( When all is said and done, as giving and 'nice' etc. as I am, I can also be as stubborn as fuck. The way I see it is "I live my life *my* way, you live yours *your* way..." Easy right? No... Either people just don't understand the meaning of "I own me, not you" or they abuse the freedom to the point where you may as well not even have a relationship in the first place.

Example: A friend of mine died in a car accident late last year, I was pretty upset and planned to go out with the guy I was with that night (get my head around it etc). I didn't even get so much as a courtesy call to say that he had 'changed his mind', despite my efforts to contact him (who was unreachable8) ). THEN when I do get in contact, I'm pretty angry and hurt by this point - he tries to tell me "oh.. but it's my life remember, and I just happened to be busy".

I see this behaviour as disrespect - there is a HUUGE difference between 'living your own life' and treating people in your life like 'nothing'. Whatever he was so 'busy' doing, is it really that hard to get your mobile out of your pocket and make a quick call? Well to him, yes, I shouldn't "tell" him he should do that because that's "controlling"... 8( Ok.. so maybe I should've 'suggested' it instead but honestly, I don't think I should have to... it should just be a 'known' thing to do. He knows this too, it was just his way of justifying himself.

Anyhow - yeah, that's just an example as to how such approaches to relationships can get abused. I guess it's about: 'Where do you draw the line?' A line for this "my life is mine" approach has to be drawn somewhere to make room for mutual respect (as demonstrated above) - also an important tool in developing a positive relationship. This goes for any form of relationship though - including friendship.

My point in all this is relationships seem to have a set of "rules and guidelines" in which we seem to be expected (by our s/o) to abide by. I think that's what turns a lot of people off relationships - understandably! Give me something that boasts friendship, freedom (not having to answer to each other), respect and great sex and that's what I want!!! Whatever it's called...
Whether it fits any of the category's or not (it doesn't appear to).. I don't really care! Why can't we have something more personalised to suit 'us'? Why must we abide by what it says in the book because we've decided to give our relationship (whatever form it is) a name? Do we honestly no longer see ourselves as individuals capable of developing our 'own' relationships? or are we that brainwashed that we need to live 'everyone' elses relationships the way 'eveyone' else does?

Sorry about the ramble readers - I've just gone off into my own little conversation. Continue what you were all saying.. ;)
 
^^^I disagree completely with this. Sure to a point your life is your life, but in a relationship it gets to a point where it should be a collective "our" rather than possesive singular "mine"....
 
I quote myself here:

kandyraverchick said:
Anyhow - yeah, that's just an example as to how such approaches to relationships can get abused. I guess it's about: 'Where do you draw the line?' A line for this "my life is mine" approach has to be drawn somewhere to make room for mutual respect (as demonstrated above) - also an important tool in developing a positive relationship. This goes for any form of relationship though - including friendship.
Click to expand...

I do recognize that to have an "all about me" attitude can be extremely selfish hence the above. Other than that I don't have a lot to add - I stick by my original post... :)
 
^^ Essentially I'd like to marry (just as an example ;)) someone one day who fits what I described...

As I said before... "whatever it be called"

To me, that is the ultimate relationship...

When I said: freedom (not having to answer to each other), I don't mean we literally DON'T tell each other what we do with ourselves. Maybe I could've worded it better...:\ I more or less mean that whatever we choose to do with 'ourselves' is at minimum mutually respected (hopefully), if not agreed upon.
 
kandyraverchick said:
I more or less mean that whatever we choose to do with 'ourselves' is at minimum mutually respected (hopefully), if not agreed upon.
Click to expand...

I'd want that to be the bare minimum of any relationship/partnership/SO/person who has my time I'd have. Who wants a person who keeps you locked up?!? (whether physically or emotionally)
 
Well it's time for one of those rare moments of honesty from my mouth :

I don't do the relationships thing anymore for one reason.

Fear.

I mean sure they're great and all when you are in them, but it's the aftermath and what becomes of me during it that I am concerned about. I'm fucked up, I know that. I haven't slept in the same bed with someone for about 2 years now. I mean I've been in others beds and had them in mine, but I just don't do it, I leave or stay awake all night if they are in my bed next to me. I just don't think I like the idea of it anymore.

So realtionships = good
Aftermath = Not so good
Repeatedly fucked over = Bitter/Twisted/Cynical
 
^^ Damn I just typed a whole long response and when I went to post I got the "page could not be displayed" crap and I couldn't get my text back up.. :(

Have you considered being in something 'less' serious? You know, maybe try something where you only see each other occasionally? Just something to get you back into the game, something you'd be able to pull away from easily...

What you're saying is pretty much where my belief stem from though! Instead of falling flat on my face after a relationship, I'd rather keep 'my' life, my life, in the relationship instead of adjusting and moulding myself to 'suit' somebody else. That way when the relationship ends, you don't fall twice as hard. It's taken a lot of sole-searching for me to get where I am today and quite frankly, I'm happier than ever. I like to know that I'll be ok on my own, without anyone. Sayings such as: "I couldn't live without you" *shudders* scare me... I hope to never say any such thing to anyone, nor would I be impressed if someone said it to me. Saying "You make me so happy when we're together" is far more respectable and complimentry! Or at least I think so...
Basically they both have a similar meaning 'I love your company', ones just not so desperado and suffocating...
 
^^I couldn't live without you.... Seriously...

And everything "whatever they are" I've been in over these past two years haven't been anything serious as I haven't allowed them to be, as soon as I feel the other person sonnecting I pull back and close myself off completely. I think it's more fear of loss of connection more than anything. As I said before I'm fucked up. I'm happy though with myself, I just can't trust everyone else, if that makes sense?
 
Kandyraverchik you're onto something.

As soon as you begin defining relationships with names our sense of social propriety kicks in and we feel obliged to do certain things. This is why often things can change quickly after you soon put the label of 'boyfriend/girlfriend' on it. Every 'relationship' is different. I remember when i realised that there are MORE categories than simply, single and in an exclusive relationship. As usual our desire for a black and white picture has overshadowed the vast realms of grey area which we experience every day. We are naturally social beings, we shouldn't have to JUST be with only one person, or with no-one. Single does not mean alone.

To me, it's about recognising and controlling the influence your emotion has on your behaviour. Don't let 'any' interest trigger your emotions to an unnecessary degree. The more people you associate with the easier this will become. You'll see that theres plenty of different people out there. Some you get along with better than others. It's all a good learning experience.

Butros: Consistently similar results usually come from consistently similar behaviour. Try and look at the situations where you got fucked over from a 3rd person point of view, analyse everyones actions and see HOW things happened. See if you did things to push her in that direction, or what she did to push you.

A fear is worry about something that hasn't happened yet. Sure it may have happened in the past but the more you expect it to happen again, the more likely you will (unconsciously) act in a way conducive to it happening again.

edit - Doesn't really make sense to BREAK OFF a connection cause you're afraid of losing it. I can understand why you would do it though, to avoid possible future pain. But, there may be no pain, there may be fun, enjoyment, boredom, annoyance, great sex, no sex, lots of laughs, deep discussions, arguments, flirtatious behaviour......

Who fucking knows? If you like the person it's worth finding out. Just don't give too much away.

peace man

Adikkal
 
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re: fear

BBG, that's such a well-timed post of your given the situation I currently find myself in.

Fear of the aftermath just hits the nail on the head. That and the fact that right now, I can't give anyone the time they deserve. So I'm happy to stay on my own at the present time.

Now what to do about the pesky aspect of sexual frustration ;)
 
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