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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

Why does it matter why someone rejects you? A girl doesn't need a good reason. They didn't like the person enough to want to date them - that's a reason in itself.
 
Wacky said:
In most cases men are still expected to do the asking and women the choosing.I've heard some of the lamest reasons girls have rejected some guys - If it wasn't the real reason,then they are just a lame liar.
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Well if it is a "lame" excuse, you find out in an instant, that this person is not the person. Simple
 
^^ EXACTLY!

I work with a lot of younger women (and before I get critiscised, nothing wrong with that, just I am noticing this particular fact I am going to mention, heaps now, compared to what I did when I was that age), and these younger women make all sorts of "he made up some excuse to dump me, why why, see, maybe we should be together".....and I keep saying, "sweetheart, if he can't even be honest with you in dumping you, a situation where he knows you're going to get hurt anyways, what makes you think he is going to be honest everywhere else?" And in friendships as well, they make all sorts of rationales to explain people's behaviours away, yet realistically, do you want people in your life who are capable of treating you like that when they are supposed to be your mates and care about you?

I had a guy turn on me viciously recently for no reason at all, and at first I wanted to patch the situation up, but sanity set in, why would I want someone in my life like that who is capable of doing that to someone he professed he cared for heaps? It did come out later he was coming off a 6 week, every sat and wed night, drug binge, so it does explain what happened, but seriously, if he can't cope with it and takes it out on others like that, why would I want him in my life? My younger colleagues don't understand.....they think I ought to now try get the relationship going again, because.....well he's there.

Ah well, I *do* understand that SOME, no not all, younger women who haven't actually done a lot of living in their lives (and these ones haven't), can't possibly understand, that cos of my age, meaning prob more life experiences to learn from, I'd rather be single for ever and be happy with life, than to settle on that bloke because he's there, and may make me feel good 5 days out of every 30.
 
^ whilst i do agree with some of your points in theory, in reality, situations need to be contextualised. I've put up with shit from friends that were I to be in the same situation with someone else, I may not have - simply because I trust my own judgement of my friends and make decisions on an ad hoc basis.

I find it a bit too black and white to write someone off simply because once, they didn't treat you as you desired to be treated, or what you would hold up as an idealistic "right behaviour".

If I wiped every one of my friends, boyfriends or whoever just because of an instance where they didn't treat me properly - i wouldn't be left with many. People make mistakes and act according to motives that perhaps we cannot understand, not being them.

I *do* (after ranting sufficiently 8)) think I agree with you to the point that (i *think* i've interpreted this correctly, forgive me if I haven't) that it is not going to be a viable relationship if there is too much deviation between the set of behaviours one person considers appropriate, and the other doesn't. It's what's often referred to as "you can't go forcing something if it's just not right".

/takes breath :\
 
Originally posted by up all night
Why does it matter why someone rejects you? A girl doesn't need a good reason. They didn't like the person enough to want to date them - that's a reason in itself.


exactly.

i think the only person being unreasonable here is wacky, tbh. i've had my fair share of rejections, but in end there's nothing you can do about it except move on. nobody should be blamed for not liking somebody else - it's just the way things go.

personally, i think the world world's relationships would actually be a lot *more* fucked up if people were less fussy and instead just settled for whatever looked okay. there'd be more people in relationships, but few of them happy.
 
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onetwothreefour said:
Originally posted by up all night
Why does it matter why someone rejects you? A girl doesn't need a good reason. They didn't like the person enough to want to date them - that's a reason in itself.


exactly.

i think the only person being unreasonable here is wacky, tbh. i've had my fair share of reactions, but in end there's nothing you can do about it except move on. nobody should be blamed for not liking somebody else - it's just the way things go.

personally, i think the world world's relationships would actually be a lot *more* fucked up if people were less fussy and instead just settled for whatever looked okay. there'd be more people in relationships, but few of them happy.
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1234 I'm talking about people being too judgemental.It's the fact these women say reasons for rejecting people behind there back to other people.That's judgemental,especially when you don't want to hear about there lame reasons and don't ask for it - I'm referring to girls I'm friends with,once doing this I tell them "I don't want to hear it".

Depends on how you define fussy? Some people are too fussy and set unrealistic goals of people.That's the main point I was making to smart_e and others.People have to be more realistic.A middle ground being the best option.
 
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but what's wrong with being judgemental in this scenario, wacky? surely it's a natural part of being a human, and i don't see why we shouldn't be doing it? i presume that someone being judgemental about that isn't so bad that they choose their friends by such high standards; however, imo, standards to enter a relationship *should* be high.
 
exactly, or settling for second best? it all comes back to my content vs. happy argument (yes! i will rule the world! ;):p) where you of course can choose someone who fulfills less criteria, but don't expect that unbridled passion, interest and euphoria that you can only experience when you are with someone you are truly compatible with.

If you can't be judgemental about the people you want to share your most feelings and moments with, your darkest fears, your most secret hopes and wildest dreams, then when can you be judgemental? :\
 
Mary Poppins said:
^ whilst i do agree with some of your points in theory, in reality, situations need to be contextualised. I've put up with shit from friends that were I to be in the same situation with someone else, I may not have - simply because I trust my own judgement of my friends and make decisions on an ad hoc basis.

I find it a bit too black and white to write someone off simply because once, they didn't treat you as you desired to be treated, or what you would hold up as an idealistic "right behaviour".

If I wiped every one of my friends, boyfriends or whoever just because of an instance where they didn't treat me properly - i wouldn't be left with many. People make mistakes and act according to motives that perhaps we cannot understand, not being them.

I *do* (after ranting sufficiently 8)) think I agree with you to the point that (i *think* i've interpreted this correctly, forgive me if I haven't) that it is not going to be a viable relationship if there is too much deviation between the set of behaviours one person considers appropriate, and the other doesn't. It's what's often referred to as "you can't go forcing something if it's just not right".

/takes breath :\
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yes I do think you get what I am getting at! Gold medal to you, since I am notorius for having too many thoughts going through my head at such a fast pace, and never being able to express them in whatever form of communication I may be using!

You are right, that there are instances you can "forgive" so to speak. What I am talking about is that deviation you refer to.....and that ability to trust. While friend may be guilty of engaging in a conversation about me to my ex boyfriend behind my back, it not actually being a bad conversation, its something I abhor....however something that I am not going to cut my relationship with my friend over. I've been best mates with her for 3 and a half years.......I'm not about to let one conversation destroy it completely. There are lots of issues at stake and the fact is, after telling her I don't want her talking about me to him, I can trust in our relationship again.

HOWEVER, when you are referring to the lad who recently turned on me so viciously (no details needed), and it came down to because of something thats been a recurrent thing in his life of late, then no...... I can't trust in him anymore, and I surely don't need even a friendship with such a fellow who could turn on me so horribly, for absolutely no reason (and believe me, I will put my hand up where I am guilty of causing any crap with people)

I don't expect people to be perfect and to treat me perfectly every time. I do however expect a bit of respect, and if it ever goes to the wayside, I expect you to be able to talk to me about it (I don't even ask for an apology!!!) and work it out. If not, I'm not wasting my emotions on you cos I get too emotional on the simple things in life as it is!
 
I know i shouldn't be here but I feel inexplicably drawn to the dark depths of this thread...

Fuck 'settling' for someone. With that mentality you don't deserve to get a quality partner. If you need to 'settle' with someone just to fill the need to have someone there then you are weak and selling yourself short. Settling essentially displays neediness because you will accept someone below what you would really want simply to have someone there. Fuck that.

Most people have very realistic standards. Someone who is attractive, challenging, engaging and interesting. I'd say thats a pretty simple criteria and would apply to most people - ohh yeah, and good sex.

Wacky, get off your high horse, everyone is judgemental and pointing the figure at the 'evil' judgemental women certainly is not going to help you get laid.

Every action has a reaction. If what you are doing isn't working (i.e., if you're not getting chicks) do something DIFFERENT.

It's easy to blame the other people but alot of the time it's your own actions that create a situation. Man up, drop your pride and analyse what your doing and how you can do it better. Basically, the more aware you are of your actions and what effect they have the more control you have over your own life and in the end... you will get what you want.

There's no failure, only feedback. Drop the pride and learn from your mistakes - don't point the finger. Yes i've jumped to conclusions about your situation yet I think it's not too far off the mark.

Hopefully this didn't come across as too abrasive.... if it did, stop being a sissy ;)

Word

</leaves>

Adikkal
 
honestly, you should write a book, something akin to the male equivalent of the fictional 'down with love' book :)

glad to hear that everything's still going well :D
 
You know, I like to believe that people are happier if they don't lower the standards or expectations they set for themselves, and then achieve them anyway. It's always a wonderful feeling to actually achieve more than you might necessarily have thought you could (not just in relationships, but in all aspects of life). That makes me happier than more readily achieving things at a lower level.

On the other hand, if we really were at the ultimate level of comfort with ourselves, would we even end up in relationships, or just randomly impregnate/get pregnant for the sake of procreation? How much of being in a relationship is just needing the validation and justification of having a person that actually likes you?

Hm.
 
THe other way I think people can be almost happier in maybe not seeking their ultimate match (sorry to cite myself yet again, but content vs. happy) is if their need to be in a relationship, or to have a partner (ie. they are just too insecure, or staved of affection to enjoy life WITHOUT having their existence validated by someone) outweighs the "bother" i guess, or kind of risk, associated with finding somone that does meet their criteria. In these cases, I think the emphasis is on finding someone, rather than, the one.

I've often wondered when I am feeling a bit wah fucking wah I want someone to spoon me at night, whether I could do this. And after investigation, no I fucking couldn't. Like UAN said earlier in this thread, I need that crazy in love type of feeling to forge anything vaguely meaningful, or at least some kind of derivative from that. If I feel for one second Like i'm selling myself short, all attraction is lost for me.
 
Wacky i am sure that you don't want to be with just anyone. We all have different personalities and we need/want to find someone who compliments ourselves and keeps us "crazy in love" as Up all night said.

I think the worst thing would be to continue on in a relationship where both parties know its not going anywhere and year after year nothings happening. Neither party is growing or maturing they are just stangant.

What Mary just said is so important feeling like you selling yourself short is the worst feeling in the world. Feeling like your setteling for something or someone that just happened to be there when you were feeling lonley. Its a horrible thing to say but a lot of people get into relationships because they feel lonley and scared. Then once they feel secure again they realise that this person isn't what they want.
 
I personally think if people achieved the zen of self esteem and became completely happy with themselves they would stop trying to better themselves since there is no driver and this would result in a worse situation for society as a whole
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This quote is also so important people have to continually try and better themselves otherwise what are we fighting for? We must fight for something otherwise life becomes meaningless.
 
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