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one of my exes changed me...turned me into a shell of myself and took all my bubbles away :( he was very possesive and jeolous and i was to blame 4 guys lookin at me cos i apparently was 'looking at them in a certain way' or 'showing too much tit' (which was not true at all)
i realise now it was his own insecurities and he cheated on pretty much everyone he was with b4 me so i suppose he thought if he could get away with it so could i *shrugs* i was too scared to aknowledge mail friends in the shoppin centre cos of the fights that i knew were gonna occur later on such as 'does he like u?" "have u fucked him?" etc etc was just easier to ignore them , he gave me a black eye once too but i fucken gave him one right back hahahaha teach him 2 mess with me
i stayed with him for 2 and a half yrs (i know thats bad but it got out of habit really....we split up 13 times 4 fuck sake lol)
this relationship taught me a valuable lesson tho...
never forget who i am, never let anyone take away my personality, never let anyone control me and treat me like shit and or an object, never let anyone make me loose my mates
im a stronger independant person 4 it :D
although i am a bit scraed to get into a serious relationship because of this tho :-/
i know not all guys are the same tho of course but im happy being single and doin my own thing :)
 
U were offered sex & didnt partake?
Hmmm interesting theory
As I said in the last edition, I don't belive in the fuck-buddy principle. I didn't want to lose the friendship just for a bit of physical satsifaction. Also I was tripping pretty hard at the time and was confused as fuck at the time.
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Sorry dude, but i have to agree with Jakoz on this one.
I dont' believe that i should have to change to suit someone - if we are otgether, then it sould be because we are compatible naturally, not because either one of us contrived it to be that way.
I could never ask someone to change for me because i know already that it would not work. Having said that, if i really had a problem with something, then i would discuss it with them and work towards a logical conclusion.
Trying to change someone is like trying to push shit up a hill with a blade of grass. Most people have their attitudes so inplace by age 20 that one can never change them. Then again - i don't think one really has the right to...
just my 0.02 :)
 
hmmm...
Changing someone to suit yourself... I'm against the idea on principle but I think there are some circumstances where trying to change someone is fair enough. For example, you have a really, really messy partner and it annoys you. Is it unreasonable for you to try and make them a tidier person or is it unreasonable of them not to try and clean up after themselves because they know it frustrates their partner? In my opinion it's a grey area...
There's a difference between someone wanting you to change and someone forcing you to change. It's very easy to sit back and say, 'We'll love the person exactly how they are, warts and all.' but reality can be quite different. I'm a heavy smoker, easily a pack a day (disgusting I know) and I understand it would be awful for a non-smoker to put up with the naaaaaaasty nictoine side effects. If anyone said to me, 'I'll only continue dating you if you quit smoking', I'd laugh and leave. If the same person had made it known they didn't like my smoking, but hadn't given me an ultimatum, I would be much more likely to quit.
Maybe I'm just stubborn...or maybe I think relationships should be about compromise rather then someone telling the other what to do.
 
it depends on the situation and nature of the relationship. if my partner tried to make me change, that's a no-no.
(it also depends on how much of the change actually does affect/improve the relationship.)
however, if my partner lays out her case and i can see where she's coming from and do agree it is a character fault on my part, i would willingly try to change for the better.
that is not restricted to partners... if friends told me the same thing and i can accept what they say, then i would do so too.
i guess what im trying to say is... it depends on how reasonable the change is, and if i can justify it to myself.
maybe im getting old and tired. im no longer the rebel i liked to think i was, sticking to my self-proclaimed, untouchable, individuality. i have come to realise its not about me vs the world, nor me vs my partner, or anyone in particular.
it is about how much i love, and i have experienced a relationship in which i would try anything once and nothing was a sacrifice too small. (a small example: i removed my piercings and changed my dressing of my own free will cos she was working and i did not want to embarrass her if we bumped into her colleagues, not that she would care but thus is the society we were in. i tried to have more initiative and confidence after she brought it to my attention)
does that make me a weaker person in general or in the power balance in the relationship? perhaps, but i didnt think so... i changed willingly because i thought our relationship was worth it and better for it.
that was the only time in my life i've ever compromised for anyone to such an extent and i dont regret it; i'd like to think i learnt how to love selflessly, rather than a me vs you kinda relationship.
ofcos im probably deluded ;)
anyway, to conclude this rambling... its a fine line between changing for urself, for someone else; being too stubborn and blind in defending one's individual trait as a strength rather than a fault. if it was just about "me", then i wouldnt have ventured into any relationships.
(and i knew i would quit smoking sometime in the future if we had stayed together though it was my own free will too, since she is a smoker herself ;) )
[ 14 November 2002: Message edited by: vurtomatic ]
 
I'm not even going to go into how much my exes have changed me. It'd mean I'd have to share the credit for my sarcastic bitch ass cynical nature.
I've changed far too much for people in the past, and its left me at the point where I'm not even sure what the hell IS the real me (its PROBABLY the sarky part ;) ).
There's been a bit of a backlash in that area lately, and I've been quite stubborn about not even bothering to alter my personality to make it easier for someone to like me. This MAY have something to do with why I've been single without even a glimmer of a relationship the last 4-5 months. ;)
Now if I 'loved' someone (hypothetical, becuase I don't think I've been in love before) then I'm sure that I would change in small ways for that person if they wanted me to. Like Queen Beat, I don't respond well to ultimatums, and I'd be far more likely to say "get the fuck out of my bed/room/house/life bitch" if issued one. However if it was something like stopping throwing my dirty washing on the floor of my room until there's a pile high enough to stand on and touch the ceiling, then I'm sure I could respond to a rational request to be a little tidier.
I <3 miss apple. ;)
Macksta : Once you get close to Queen Beat, she smells, and she's all yellow and nicotiney, ewwwwww!!!! ;)
-plaz out-
 
1. up to my last bf all my exs were non smokers.
2. ive learnt from my last mistake and wont be repeating it. theres a guy out there for me who dont smoke Ill find him one day. But Im not putting up with anyones yucky habits till then.
3. Who said Ill be taking drugs forever??
 
Yes kudos to miss apple, the lady certainly does rock.
Originally posted by sydkiwi:
1. up to my last bf all my exs were non smokers.
2. ive learnt from my last mistake and wont be repeating it. theres a guy out there for me who dont smoke Ill find him one day. But Im not putting up with anyones yucky habits till then.
3. Who said Ill be taking drugs forever??
I think you're missing the entire point of what everyone has said, it’s not about you not wanting to date a smoker, and drugs were just an example of something you enjoy. It's about the fact that you tried to change your partner into something that was acceptable to you.
You say you've learned from your last mistake, that's fantastic, but what exactly is it that you've learnt? this post and this post show that you still expect a person to change in order to be with you, and that’s what people have a problem with.
I know smoking is pretty disgusting, is harmful to the health yada yada yada but it's a personal choice to quit and they way I look at it, if you're willing to try and change something that is such a part of their lives, what else about them will you want to change? Does the re-invention process stop after they have successfully quit smoking or do you then move onto more fundamental facets of their personality?
I wouldn't even dream of changing for a partner who nagged me into it, and I couldn't imagine trying to get somebody to change for me. When you fall for someone you take them faults and all and sometimes even their faults are endearing because that's what makes up the person you love.
I've been in a relationship where I changed for my partner and I would never ever go back. After being there, and living like I did I can't even comprehend how somebody would even think to try to initiate changes in their other half.
The thing we all hunger for most is total acceptance, every single one of us has something about us that others would call faults be it smoking, the need to be a drama queen, the constant need for attention, being unable to lean on anyone, being intolerant of others stupidity and at times ignorant of your own, or never picking up after yourself. Hell these are all faults of mine.
Think about your friends, they all do things that piss you off, but you accept it because they’re your friends. I mean I don’t share well, and if I have to I turn into the most annoying person on earth. I know this but I don’t care and my friends all know it but they accept it because "that's just Kitty". They know what I'm like and love me regardless. Just as I love all of them despite their many and varied faults.
Relationships are about compromise and acceptance. Every time you see the faults of your partner you should ask yourself what faults he/she sees in you. Openly communicate, ask and explain why you'd like something to change but never demand. Nagging never works, it just pisses off the person being nagged and using ultimatums or emotional blackmail is the lowest of the low.
When you're with someone you change and evolve, just as you change and grow when you’re single, that's what life’s all about but the changes should be initiated by you and only you out of your own desire to do so, not because you were forced/nagged/blackmailed into it.
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Ok I think your missing my point too.
If you think Im the only non smoker who wont date smokers Ill introduce u to my flatmates.
And no Im not out to change anyone I no it wont work.
I made my last always wash his mouth out and brush his teeth if he'd been smoking b4 Id even kiss him and b4 anyone says wot say we were out. this was at his place he hardly came out when i went out with my mates. He'd stay home and sit with his flatmates (who were freaks dont get me started on wot they were like) play playstation all nite while taking e, smoking pot and drikning beer til 6am. and they'd do it every weekend.
Ive learned my lesson. I simply wont see a smoker. and there are plenty of guys out there who dont smoke.
 
Daimo: You fiend! She's mine!
Sydkiwi: So stop whining about it and find a non-smoker! In fact I've got an icicle waiting nearby if I hear you complain about it any more. And remember: If you use an icicle, there is no murder weapon...
QueenBeat: You're gonna have to define messy. I'm a reasonably messy person(but clean) but I don't think that is a fault of mine and it shouldn't be a problem. It's because I got brought up in a large family and I find it disturbing to live in a house that looks like Mary Poppins says 'spit spot' in it for any length of time.
I need to *live* in a house that is *lived* in.
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I'm a pack a day, brick-fucking-chimney, chain smoking, Sally-watching, trailer-park-trash inbred, cancer-spreading smoker. I have been for almost 5 years now, I've never tried to quit seriously.
People who just meet me often try to offer their own arguments; health, money savings, working lungs, etc. I don't really pay much attention to be honest, except when my mum nags cause I know she loves me so much.
I've never tried to quit, because I've never felt the *need* to quit. Why? Because, ultimately, I'm selfish about it. Right now, I am here for me. I have no wife and no kids, no dependents. I live for me. One day, I may have to start living and thinking for other people, I may have to support others and then, I might start thinking about my health. *Then*, I may seriously think and actually *WANT* to quit smoking.
Would I quit for the right girl? I used to think so, but the truth is it has nothing to do with who I'm with. If, one day, the party life ends and I settle down for cosy Saturday nights in watching videos and eating pizza at least then I'll be in an environment that is suited to quiting. Going out every weekend to parties, clubs, pubs makes it *very* hard to quit, especially when alcohol or drugs are involved.
I see myself quitting not for the right girl, but when my life is settled and I've killed that restless voice in my head that continually nags "go out... chase the next high... getchya thrills... be reckless and stupid, GO GO GO!!!". Honestly, I kind of imagine that one day I'll just wake up and say to myself... "Smoking kinda sucks now... don't wanna do this anymore" .. and quit.
As for trying to change someone. I was naive enough to once think that my feelings were enough to help someone I loved get over ten years of shooting up speed, coke and heroin.
You can't ask someone to choose between the drugs and you, because the drug came first. Even if they care deeply for you, it's not personal.
People give up drugs (inc. nicotine) when they want to, when they *really* want to. Till then there is little that anyone else can do to influence them.
They have to want to do it for themselves, not you, not their parents, kids, whatever.
I think most drug counsellors would agree with those points.
Frig, this is starting to sound like The Dark Side.
[ 15 November 2002: Message edited by: hoptis ]
 
sydkiwi: There was a headline in the newspaper this marning saying that officially all guys are smokers. The last non-smoking guy succumbed to peer pressure early last night.
I guess there really isn't any guys out there for you now.
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