Hey Burn the Witch- I used to cut as well and it can be a bitter sweet venture.
Nothing is simply black and white and it can cause even more frustration/harm in us to view these things as such. Here is a helpful site to get more insight into yourself:
Self Harm- *Click on the link at the bottom of the first page
Why do people Self Harm, it will give you some more information about some of the reasons behind the behaviour, that may be masked by the actual behaviour itself.
Over the last few months I had been getting increasingly depressed and frustrated and lots of other emotions. As well as feeling like I was losing my mind. I started to get the overwhelming desire to cut again. I ignored it for months, but every day, constantly from when I got up, to the few hours of sleep I would get (insomnia), that urge getting stronger and stronger until one day it all erupted and I couldn't fight it any more.
I hate to say this, but it felt so good, like, all the fucked up thoughts and emotions just subsided and for the first time in a long time, I felt quite content... But then the guilt set in; thinking of all the other people I had let down, what would my friends think? My Mum would be devastated; my Dad think I'm weak. I even felt weak; nearly cried for the first time in years.
For the next few weeks I felt so guilty, like I had let everyone else down... But not myself; it didn't bother me that I had cut, it was the feeling of letting everyone else down.
You can see how it helps us deal with emotional pain that is difficult to process. Sometimes cutting can be a 'lifesaver' when things seem so overbearing and there is no other way to deal with it.
What bothers me is that you are feeling so guilty and labelling yourself as 'weak'. The fact you rekon your Dad would think of you as weak especially rings alarm bells.
Firstly, You ARE NOT weak by any measure of the word, you are trying to cope with a complex inner struggle and influenced by outward pressures that are overbearing and you dont even understand ATM.
Secondly, you say it doesn't bother you but it seems clear from your post that you are feeling bothered-ALOT!
Seems your putting the focus on keeping your families feelings in a superior position to your own. You are neglecting your own feelings of guilt, shame and probably anger...it is too easy to neglect the feelings that we label as weak/ugly(
usually we dont do this by choice alone but because we have been conditioned this way ie girls dont get angry/rage, sugar and spice and all things nice, etc etc, boys also have feelings conditionally repressed by society ) when in fact they are very natural(although can be very frightening when we have been used to trying to ignore/subvert them).
This bought on the desire to cut again (viscous circle). Strange I know, but I'm sure there will be some here who identify with that.
I get this. Not strange at all, makes complete sense. It serves a function and is also addicting. I had been cutting and burning for years and didnt want to stop for a long time because there was no good reason to.
But why is it not ok to cut in moderation? The same as I believe that drugs are fine in moderation and responsibility. The only reason I stopped was for other peoples benefits. But why can't I live with myself how I want?
There is so much social stigma about cutters. But it's perfectly fine for someone to smoke/drink legally when they are feeling stressed/emotional; which does so much more harm to people than a few cuts.
Do you think it's OK to cut in moderation, the same as people use drink and drugs in moderation?
If it brings me a sense of relief that nothing else does, and I am not affecting anyone else, and I am not rubbing it in peoples face'; what's the problem with cutting in moderation and why is it wrong?
Should I keep putting everyone else' feelings and wants for my life before my desires for my own life and body?
Or am I deluding myself to justify my anti-social behaviour in my own mind and should seek help as quickly as possible.
I'm sick of constantly fighting back urges that I have for the sake of other people. Is that wrong and selfish of me?
Does this even make sense?
Again, it makes complete sense.
I think Societal rules in general don't encompass consideration for individuals, it serves a basic order. This isn't all good/all bad.
With regard to cutting, I think it is the fact that it is seen as a blanket 'bad', Self-destructive behaviour, doesnt take into account that life is unfair and sometimes seemingly, intolerable. What is important is that every act tells us something about ourselves that we need to understand and not to ignore because we need to explain not just the rational but the irrational(which usually isnt as irrational as it seems). If we keep our eyes closed to ourselves we will never understand ourselves or develop ourselves to evolve in ideas and understanding.
'Selfish' is a dirty word in Western Society. Being 'Selfish'(ie the productive one) as in getting your needs met, being true to yourself and taking care of your well being is very important and some people will flail this word about as a tool to impose guilt and shame on you. There is a distinction between being 'Selfish' and harming others or yourself and 'selfish' meaning being inconsiderate/sacrificing of anything/yourself/others and everything in order to get your own want's. The fact that your family/you are judging you from this limited perspective alone is making you internalise and battle these harsh judgements which is very biased and doesnt really make for a sincere assesment of the reality of what is going on.
Sometimes its easy to take on other peoples judgements and punish ourselves with them in a kind of 'fuck you!', look what you have done to me'- its a form of communication we hurt ourselves to confirm the impact it has had on us because we cant process/cope with the pain in a way that will be understood by them- this is just one basic explaination but not the myriad of them concerning self-injury.
Word of caution:
Any self-injurious behavior is a sign that there is something awry internally and should not be ignored. All animals display 'unusual' behviours if they are sick, abused or distressed.
My self-harm progressed in a more violent manner-if you feel that it is getting more and more out of control please look for proffesional help as it's escalation may be a symptom of something far more severe than you have been aware of.
Really hope you consider the reasons behind why you do what you do, just to keep yourself aware of yourself. If you arent inflicting much damage and it helps for the time being then so be it, it may be a temporary crutch, however be cautious and dont be too hard on yourself, or let others have that power over you either! Take care
