herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^
and assuming the hypothetical that you were even born when that transpired! LOL


Years ago, after cutting for several years and then finally stopping, I was living the life of my dreams--traveling by myself, meeting whatever life threw in front of me. I was in Mexico and I fell in love with a man I met there. He and I were flirting and getting to know each other and everything was perfect in my world until one day when we were sitting on a bench and he took my arm and was stroking it and felt the raised scars on the inside. He turned my arm over and with a shocked look asked me what "those" were? I felt my heart stop and I remember looking away and mumbling something about how they were vestiges of some very bad years. I was hoping that he would do what I did--pretend they didn't exist. Unfortunately at the time, but fortunately for my inner self, he did not.
I can still remember the shame and humiliation I felt when he abruptly let go of my arm and said,"Que feo!" (How disgusting!) But within a split second I felt that an opportunity had just presented itself in the form of this man. I realized that if I were to make peace with myself it started with not being ashamed to admit that I had gone through extreme self-loathing, had self harmed in secrecy in myriad ways. I responded that my scars showed but that I was sure he had some that he kept hidden and that the only thing that I could see that was disgusting at this moment was a person that would respond to another's pain, past or present, in such an uncaring way.
I really credit that experience with a huge life-shift. Before that time, I never admitted to anyone that I did that. After that experience, I stopped hiding that part of myself. That doesn't mean that I did not still go through uncomfortable experiences because of my scars, but I knew that their power to humiliate me on such a deep level had been diffused. Looking at my own weakness in the face and embracing it as a part of me was the start of my healing.
My scars have all but faded now (30+ years). But I still look at them almost daily. If you are still struggling with not self-harming, you have all my empathy and admiration--it is a deep and unconscious pull which is what makes it so powerful over our lives; if you are struggling with living with scars, my advice is to hold your head up and know that this is a part of your particular and beautiful fabric. It is not a flaw in the weave, it is one thread among many that makes up your richness.
here's part of a poem that spoke to me (by Vievee Francis)
Under this hairshirt
steams the vocabulary of the flesh
crosshatched and scarred into meaning."
Tripman I'm sorry to hear this mate, I hope you're doing okay todayWell I am not sure what triggered it, but my fists and face are bleeding profusely from bashing against walls.
It's one of those times in life where shit boggles your mind, you need help and there is none forth coming.
Well I am not sure what triggered it, but my fists and face are bleeding profusely from bashing against walls.
It's one of those times in life where shit boggles your mind, you need help and there is none forth coming.
.I believe to speak out!
You are very wise herbavore, I find it very hard to share at times, especially when I feel like sh. It is a skill I need to learn I think.