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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

Well I am not sure what triggered it, but my fists and face are bleeding profusely from bashing against walls.

It's one of those times in life where shit boggles your mind, you need help and there is none forth coming.
 
Trips.. <3<3

Talking to you right now but wanted to show you some love in here too.
 
^ Hey man, sorry to hear and hope you're feeling better! take care! I know what it's like to not even know what triggers such events, and have other people just not understand, but yur never alone,,, take it easy m8
 
herbavore said:
Years ago, after cutting for several years and then finally stopping, I was living the life of my dreams--traveling by myself, meeting whatever life threw in front of me. I was in Mexico and I fell in love with a man I met there. He and I were flirting and getting to know each other and everything was perfect in my world until one day when we were sitting on a bench and he took my arm and was stroking it and felt the raised scars on the inside. He turned my arm over and with a shocked look asked me what "those" were? I felt my heart stop and I remember looking away and mumbling something about how they were vestiges of some very bad years. I was hoping that he would do what I did--pretend they didn't exist. Unfortunately at the time, but fortunately for my inner self, he did not.

I can still remember the shame and humiliation I felt when he abruptly let go of my arm and said,"Que feo!" (How disgusting!) But within a split second I felt that an opportunity had just presented itself in the form of this man. I realized that if I were to make peace with myself it started with not being ashamed to admit that I had gone through extreme self-loathing, had self harmed in secrecy in myriad ways. I responded that my scars showed but that I was sure he had some that he kept hidden and that the only thing that I could see that was disgusting at this moment was a person that would respond to another's pain, past or present, in such an uncaring way.

I really credit that experience with a huge life-shift. Before that time, I never admitted to anyone that I did that. After that experience, I stopped hiding that part of myself. That doesn't mean that I did not still go through uncomfortable experiences because of my scars, but I knew that their power to humiliate me on such a deep level had been diffused. Looking at my own weakness in the face and embracing it as a part of me was the start of my healing.

My scars have all but faded now (30+ years). But I still look at them almost daily. If you are still struggling with not self-harming, you have all my empathy and admiration--it is a deep and unconscious pull which is what makes it so powerful over our lives; if you are struggling with living with scars, my advice is to hold your head up and know that this is a part of your particular and beautiful fabric. It is not a flaw in the weave, it is one thread among many that makes up your richness.

here's part of a poem that spoke to me (by Vievee Francis)

Under this hairshirt
steams the vocabulary of the flesh
crosshatched and scarred into meaning."
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Hey hun, I'll just start off by saying that i'm 26 years old and my girlfriend is 38. (the 30+ years part haha). I told her when I recently harmed for the first time in like a year or something, and don't worry, I'm wishing I didn't tell my girlfriend now. I basically told her tonight when I saw her in person that she should know I tell her everything, just like she does. She knows my history of drug/alc abuse/addiction very well, but I dunno, it was like I shouldn't have brought it up, but I felt like doing so at the time.

I'll always have scars too heravore, eventhough they may not be always noticed by people until you tell them, but geez, when I think about life in general, is there anyone on earth that isn't scared in some way?

I think no matter who you are reading this thread, if you are in a situation of self harm, or have self harmed, if you need to tell the right person to make yourself feel better, then do it. To me it is like anything else, like my anxiety/depression for example, well I had no choice but to speak out about that if I wanted to live.

There may be some people you feel you can't or shouldn't talk to, but please correct me if I am wrong, I believe to speak out! And to anyone out there who feels they cannot tell anyone about their self harming, please tell a doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist. I have done this myself within the past 18 months.


Herbavore & everyone take care, and PM me if you need to!
 
Tripman said:
Well I am not sure what triggered it, but my fists and face are bleeding profusely from bashing against walls.

It's one of those times in life where shit boggles your mind, you need help and there is none forth coming.
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Tripman I'm sorry to hear this mate, I hope you're doing okay today <3 You are going through a really stressful time right now so it's understandable that you've got a lot of negative emotions happening. Try not to bottle things up, and instead try to release your negative emotions as they come. Tell someone how you're feeling right away, go for a run or do some weights, write your thoughts down on paper, stuff like that. Hopefully that will minimise any more destructive outbursts, cos I know from experience that they are not fun :(
Take care of yourself man <3
 
I understand why people look down on people who self harm but I've done it myself whilst under the influence of drugs. So I guess I'd be a hypocrite to judge. It's embarrassing and shameful (not saying others should feel that way but that's what I think). Knowing that if others saw self harm scars would judge the way I used to puts me off ever getting into that sort of situation again. I really don't understand how some people have been known to glorify it. There's nothing glamorous about it.
 
I do not see how it should be shameful. To sick, mentally, or physically, and to bear a visible mark resulting from that illness, should bring no shameful nor be used to judge a human being on.
 
Tripman said:
Well I am not sure what triggered it, but my fists and face are bleeding profusely from bashing against walls.

It's one of those times in life where shit boggles your mind, you need help and there is none forth coming.
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First up...TM, hope u a bit betta<3
What captured my attention was that when i am in rage, Like in a argument and off head I just get to the point where i see red, Thats when what you described happens to me. Funny thing is ive never seen it as self harm ive actualy viewed it all this time as taking my frustrations out on innanimite objects so as not to take the frustrations out on a person and potentioaly cause them some serious fucking harm.
It's made me think I havnt chucked a shit like that in a while and i need a big stick to bash shit with instead of my head and hands, shit neeeds to be let out. Nxt time i grab a bat and smash something of no great value for a bit.
Just food for thought as ive encountered the same times where ive mashed my hands and hurt my head.
keep well <3
 
fivelinefury said:
I believe to speak out!
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You are so right IMO. And that goes for everything--self harm, addiction, mental struggles....the whole mess of being human. You are not only easing your own burden when you speak out, you are helping others by demystifying whatever it is and zapping out the shame associated with it. Silence kills a lot of people or at least holds them in misery. No matter how scary it is, opening up and telling my truth has never failed me in the end.
 
You are very wise herbavore, I find it very hard to share at times, especially when I feel like sh. It is a skill I need to learn I think.
 
Doomed2pain said:
You are very wise herbavore, I find it very hard to share at times, especially when I feel like sh. It is a skill I need to learn I think.
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I get the same way... although sharing here for me is way more easier than being face to face or in a group ( I fucking despise group sessions). Keep postin<3 And just try ur best, its all we can do:\
Iv'e found that it has to come out one way or another, this is the perfect medium for doing so as its not a judgeing community more of a supportive one.
Sending u support the only way im able atm...<3
Shit can get better it just seems like it cant when ur stuck in that hole.
 
Thanks smfg, I appreciate your support. Head I a little jangled tonight. Hope you're ok, you have my support also *hugs*
 
^ any time D2p. forgot to mention that i didnt head my advice to another on this thread as my heads got a golf ball on it and i think i cracked a knuckle punching a brick wall last nite:(
I really need my angry stick so i dont keep fucking up my hands or give myself some kinda brain dammage8o
 
I have broken 3 crutches by attacking Walls with them when trying to avoid damaging myself, sometimes it is very difficult. I have also broken hand bones punching Walls, is your knuckle in the right place or has it moved? What is your hand movement like?
 
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