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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

S.M.F.G said:
I'm having some real trouble today, ive still got the burn marks from 2 yrs ago.... today my mindset is telling me to do it again... maybe a bit deeper this time, i just want my emotional pain to go away, writing this crying as i have been for the last hour, I been kicked back to rock bottom I'm just a fuckup, im so upset and angry. This sucks coz yesterday i was on top of the world, Funny how one thing can trigger you back into old habbits:(
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Hey man, I was just posting on another thread how I still have my marks from a year or so ago now. I've had quite a bad night tonight feeling like my strong thoughts are sometimes starting to return. I just feel useless, but don't want to go back to cutting/burning ever again. Take care everyone <3
 
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Hi fivelivefury, I did remove a small bit of your post, I hope that's okay. I've replied to you in the suicide thread, but just wanted to say thank you for posting here and I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. Congratulations about not going back to harming yourself though - you should be really proud that you've managed not to, I know how hard it must have been. Take care of yourself <3
 
Hey effie, thank you for editing my post, since the last thing I want is to harm my other BL friends in any way.

I'm not having the best night tonight, but am not as bad as last night, possibly keeping much busier today helped. Thankyou for your support and look forward to chatting again <3
 
Nps, don't worry at all. Keeping busy always helps me a lot - worst thing is to sit too long on your own with your thoughts.. Glad tonight is going better for you <3
 
fivelinefury said:
Hey man, I was just posting on another thread how I still have my marks from a year or so ago now. I've had quite a bad night tonight feeling like my strong thoughts are sometimes starting to return. I just feel useless, but don't want to go back to cutting/burning ever again. Take care everyone <3
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Thanx for the post FLF, Those permant reminders help me not to go back there even though they look kinda trippy ( i got a smiley face etched in pretty deep with ciggys) Mods if thats inapropriate pls remeve im in no way trying to glorify it, just say that example even though looks like a pro sacrifaction, it still serves as a reminder that its not the way and i dont wanna fuck my body up worse, as im sure alot of ex self harmers these scars serve as reminders and powerfull ones @ that..
 
Oh absolutely!! Especially the scars on my legs. They are huge and have caused me to be very self-conscious about showing my legs in public :(

SMFG I am really glad your scars are serving that reminder purpose as well <3
 
I permanently wear this cuff thing on my wrist to cover the scars I bear there. They just wont go away and I always get looks... Can understand your self consciousness N3o.

Scars are a permanent reminder of where you were and something to remind you to be strong.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Oh absolutely!! Especially the scars on my legs. They are huge and have caused me to be very self-conscious about showing my legs in public :(
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n3o, why be self conscious or ashamed of them? Me and my friends have scars too, big jagged ones ripped by fragments and bullets. We have them with pride. They show we survived, that we WON a battle. Our battle may have been with other people, yours with yourself, both over abstract concepts. You fought a battle within yourself, and you won and survived. Wear your wounds with the pride of that. Hell... I got a "sacrifice medal" for mine. Yours are just as deserving of that as mine. <Comes to attention, eyes front, to the front salute!>

I bet you damn hot, a few lines of light tissue or not.<3
 
^^ rangrz that is one of the nicest posts I have read in a while, thank you so much <3 <3 <3

Tripman said:
I permanently wear this cuff thing on my wrist to cover the scars I bear there. They just wont go away and I always get looks... Can understand your self consciousness N3o.

Scars are a permanent reminder of where you were and something to remind you to be strong.
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So true man, thank you :) <3
Hey, have you tried using Bio-oil to reduce the appearance of the scars on your wrists? I've used it on many of my scars and it really helps, particular for thinner scars and burn scars.

fivelinefury said:
I don't wanna be triggering guys, but not good right now. What is wrong with me....fuck :X:(
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Man, no need to hide from us, that is what this thread is here for! Talk to us, what's going on? You can PM me if you don't wanna discuss it in the public forum. Take care okay?? Everything is going to be alright <3
 
FLF My thoughts and wishes for things to get betta r goin out to you, I'ts fucked up to have ur emotions run in these courses, will be keepin an eye in here, Pls let us know ur gunna b ok when you feel upto it hey? <3 I for one never wanna see a bluelighter hurt an any way.
We all here 4u
 
Hey n30 and SMFG. Thank you very much for your concern. I just had a terrible night last night and self harmed for the first time in probably 6 months now. I didn't want to say what I was doing at the time. Anyway, today/tonight i'm basically the opposite of last night :\ Might be time to re-evaluate my meds (again). At least I have a doctors appointment on Dec 3, and may go back to my psychiatrist for the first time in months if I feel I should. I guess my brain certainly has its moments 8(

Anyway, thanks again for your kind thoughts people. <3 Bluelighters
 
^Both probbably good ideas. between now and then keep us up on how ur doin. Theres always an ear or two out for you here. stay srong friend and try (I know its hard) to keep urself frm these actions. Go post in the vent thread if worst comes to worst, its helped me more than once. Wishin u well and keepin u in my thoughts
stay ok hey<3
S.M.F.G
 
Glad you have an action plan, flf :) <3

In some ways you could think of the self-harming incident as a wake-up call and even a positive thing as it has made you realise how much you want to stay away from self-harm and has caused you to take action by making a drs appt and considering your meds/seeing a psych - and now you know how the vent thread can help too :)

Try not to beat yourself up over what happened Everyone slips occasionally, and you can't change the past - but you can change the future :)
 
Sorry to hear you self harmed FLF. I hope you took good after care in terms of closing, leaving drainage, applying polysporin and using a dressing to minimize scar formation and infection risk.[If you need some details or have a question on that, please send me a message]

Its sad to hear you SHed, but I am glad to hear you will be seeing your Doctor. I hope s/he will be able to find you an effective and tolerable treatment quickly. [vs the messing around that finding the right meds can entail] but either way, I am sure s/he will help! Good luck, and keep strong from now til the appointment.
 
^ Thanks again guys. I'm feeling pretty good today/tonight again. I shall take on both yur advice :)

That is true too effie. Since harming for the first time in so long it has made me think about it and how much I don't want to do it again.

I just wanna say to anyone else out there who may just be reading this thread, and are in a dark situation, please don't be scared and feel free to chat on here whenever you need to! Everyone on here is here to support you, and I know that :)
 
n3ophy7e said:
^^ rangrz that is one of the nicest posts I have read in a while, thank you so much <3 <3 <3


So true man, thank you :) <3
Hey, have you tried using Bio-oil to reduce the appearance of the scars on your wrists? I've used it on many of my scars and it really helps, particular for thinner scars and burn scars.


Man, no need to hide from us, that is what this thread is here for! Talk to us, what's going on? You can PM me if you don't wanna discuss it in the public forum. Take care okay?? Everything is going to be alright <3
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Will try with the bio-oil. I have horizontal,vertical, diagonal... Just big scars all up my left wrist.
 
Years ago, after cutting for several years and then finally stopping, I was living the life of my dreams--traveling by myself, meeting whatever life threw in front of me. I was in Mexico and I fell in love with a man I met there. He and I were flirting and getting to know each other and everything was perfect in my world until one day when we were sitting on a bench and he took my arm and was stroking it and felt the raised scars on the inside. He turned my arm over and with a shocked look asked me what "those" were? I felt my heart stop and I remember looking away and mumbling something about how they were vestiges of some very bad years. I was hoping that he would do what I did--pretend they didn't exist. Unfortunately at the time, but fortunately for my inner self, he did not.

I can still remember the shame and humiliation I felt when he abruptly let go of my arm and said,"Que feo!" (How disgusting!) But within a split second I felt that an opportunity had just presented itself in the form of this man. I realized that if I were to make peace with myself it started with not being ashamed to admit that I had gone through extreme self-loathing, had self harmed in secrecy in myriad ways. I responded that my scars showed but that I was sure he had some that he kept hidden and that the only thing that I could see that was disgusting at this moment was a person that would respond to another's pain, past or present, in such an uncaring way.

I really credit that experience with a huge life-shift. Before that time, I never admitted to anyone that I did that. After that experience, I stopped hiding that part of myself. That doesn't mean that I did not still go through uncomfortable experiences because of my scars, but I knew that their power to humiliate me on such a deep level had been diffused. Looking at my own weakness in the face and embracing it as a part of me was the start of my healing.

My scars have all but faded now (30+ years). But I still look at them almost daily. If you are still struggling with not self-harming, you have all my empathy and admiration--it is a deep and unconscious pull which is what makes it so powerful over our lives; if you are struggling with living with scars, my advice is to hold your head up and know that this is a part of your particular and beautiful fabric. It is not a flaw in the weave, it is one thread among many that makes up your richness.

here's part of a poem that spoke to me (by Vievee Francis)

Under this hairshirt
steams the vocabulary of the flesh
crosshatched and scarred into meaning."
 
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^

That man sounds like the kind of douche of I enjoy fitting a pair of zipcuffs on and bashing his head as I stick in him in the cruiser. :D

J'd of kissed them herb, to show I accept all of who you are, even the scars. (assuming the hypothetical that I was in mexico and dating you and not in Toronto posting on a website)
 
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