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Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

WoW!! So we just got power back, which is much earlier than I expected and boy did I underestimate this hurricane. The eye wound up going right over us and boy is our neighborhood trashed. I can't wait to post pics of a giant oak tree that almost crushed our house and is now covering the entire back yard. It split right in half and each half of the tree fell different ways, crushing a large covered trailer we have in the process. Somebody left a car parked at an overpass construction site at the end of my road and a mudslide covered the vehicle all the way up to the roof. Tons of houses in the neighborhood with trees on top of them. The winds were whipping at hurricane force for almost 10hrs. I really hope that all my Florida peeps are O.K... Thinking of you 10yrs, FLA and Aihfl

It is going to cost $3400 to get the damn tree out of the yard and a tree service crew was here first thing in the morning straight mopping up. My parents are trying to talk me into jumping on with the crew to make some cash and there will certaintly be plenty of work out there but I am still physically wrecked and not sleeping. I don't know if I am ready to jump out in the Florida heat and start doing such physically demanding work.

Very interesting to see pics of downtown Miami covered with 3ft of water from the storm surge.
 
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Having a very difficult time. The day went well. I got outside and raked up all the debris in the front and side yard and ran the lawn mower over it. I was in a good mood all day but this evening has really hit me. I am very worn out. I still am not sleeping and when I say not sleeping I mean not one hr. in the last 2 nights and this is my 18th day. I was barely even using. I really feel I am being pushed to my limits. I have this strange pressure at the base of my skull and I am extremely frazzled and weary this evening. The future seems so daunting and my problems so insurmountable especially if I don't start getting the sleep to give me the energy I am going to need. I really thought I would be feeling strong enough to really start facing the world and moving forward by now.

Debating on hitting the bottle tonight. I have drank probably 4x in the 18 days and I really wonder how detrimental it is to my brain recovery. Especially because I am not the kind of person to start drinking everyday but when I drink. I really drink.. binge.... Till I pass out. I quit smoking, then I quit vaping a few days ago and I am craving a cigarette so bad right now. I don't know where I am going with this. Kind of just rambling. Nobody wants to read my incoherent, insomnia induced ramblings anyways. Sorry peeps... I'm going to stay sober for the foreseeable future but I am not so confident about my ability to maintain over the long haul. JUST FOR TODAY
 
somnilicious said:
Debating on hitting the bottle tonight. I have drank probably 4x in the 18 days and I really wonder how detrimental it is to my brain recovery. Especially because I am not the kind of person to start drinking everyday but when I drink. I really drink.. binge.... Till I pass out. I quit smoking, then I quit vaping a few days ago and I am craving a cigarette so bad right now. I don't know where I am going with this. Kind of just rambling. Nobody wants to read my incoherent, insomnia induced ramblings anyways. Sorry peeps... I'm going to stay sober for the foreseeable future but I am not so confident about my ability to maintain over the long haul. JUST FOR TODAY
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As a long term alcoholic, I would advise against trying to use it as a sleep aid. I had taken a John Bonham like cocktail of pills and alcohol the night of the hurricane and still couldn't sleep. At some point (and I consider myself a living example) alcohol ceases to be a sedative. I nursed two 750ml bottles of wine and watched the sun come up a couple of years ago. If you can get a hold of some benzos, they have been a godsend for me the past few days. I just hope it's been 30 days since I had my last fill since it's controlled.

If I have a day off, I can come up and help with any chain saw work that might need to be done though I profess to have absolutely no professional credentials whatsoever. But I can certainly cut up stuff that's already on the ground.

EDIT: Yeah that storm was a reality check for sure. I remember Frances, Jeanne and Wilma being big rainmakers but this was a major wind event, probably like Charley (I was out of the country when Charley hit but I do remember I didn't have power for nine days after and that was at the height of the miserable July heat.
 
I am sorry about those nasty dreams :( I have those as well. It has been going on a month now. They do suck, but you're doing awesome!

It'll feel good to have your car back, driving and listening to music is one of my favorite things (very therapeutic, at times)
Just wanted to say you're doing awesome and I'm pulling for you! *good vibes*
 
somnilicious said:
WoW!! So we just got power back, which is much earlier than I expected and boy did I underestimate this hurricane. The eye wound up going right over us and boy is our neighborhood trashed. I can't wait to post pics of a giant oak tree that almost crushed our house and is now covering the entire back yard. It split right in half and each half of the tree fell different ways, crushing a large covered trailer we have in the process. Somebody left a car parked at an overpass construction site at the end of my road and a mudslide covered the vehicle all the way up to the roof. Tons of houses in the neighborhood with trees on top of them. The winds were whipping at hurricane force for almost 10hrs. I really hope that all my Florida peeps are O.K... Thinking of you 10yrs, FLA and Aihfl

It is going to cost $3400 to get the damn tree out of the yard and a tree service crew was here first thing in the morning straight mopping up. My parents are trying to talk me into jumping on with the crew to make some cash and there will certaintly be plenty of work out there but I am still physically wrecked and not sleeping. I don't know if I am ready to jump out in the Florida heat and start doing such physically demanding work.

Very interesting to see pics of downtown Miami covered with 3ft of water from the storm surge.
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I'm okay. I wanted to stay at our place and ride it out. I had my old acidhead brother and his (and my) good friend, my wife and the dogs. We were hunkering down here. My wife's family started "poisoning the well" with projections of worse case scenarios. They were calling me every name in the book for staying, to her privately. Maybe they think I have poor judgement since I've had "issues" in the past. They either didn't know or didn't care that my brother would have probably been committed if we went to a shelter. Also, I guess her family didn't understand we also had the dogs to worry about. It seemed like this whole thing was destined to get me separated from the dogs and place their situation out of my control. Okay maybe I've got some issues with control. I felt sure Irma would turn inland based on projections but I was starting to have my doubts. By that time all the shelter's were full and the police didn't really want you out driving around. Well long story short, as you all know, Irma did turn inland and we never even lost power. I kinda breathed a sigh of relief when it moved over land because I knew this would knock it down from a Cat 5. Irma has been a totally a nerve-racking experience all the way around. My sleep is still really fucked-up. It's almost like a deep trauma of some kind. I never sweated these things when I was younger and only responsible for myself. The situation is considerably different nowadays. I don't know for sure if they really are, but it seems like storms are much more powerful than they used be. I felt like I was living the 3 Little Pigs story at times, lol. Glad everybody made it thru okay.
 
Had a super weird morning looking for breakfast this AM in post-Irma land. Went to my standby, Nick's Diner on OBT. Inexplicably closed. Then went to my other standby Cafe Perks, where I am a VERY GOOD regular, and they had a sign out saying they are opening late (9am) for cleanup. That's my standby for those night I get no sleep because they open at 6 usually. Finally went to IHOP, and that block still has no power! Can't complain though. I have food, I just wanted someone else to cook it. I'm sipping on the first homemade cappuccino I've made since my bender and I'll fry up some eggs and sausage in a minute.

Man, some of those dreams I had when I was on that mix of pills and booze were a cross between Quentin Tarantino and Stephen King no exaggeration. Now I'd give anything to just have a dream. And it wasn't as if I didn't work my ass off in my ex's yard yesterday either. That was a lot of heavy lifting.
 
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aihfl said:
Had a super weird morning looking for breakfast this AM in post-Irma land. Went to my standby, Nick's Diner on OBT. Inexplicably closed. Then went to my other standby Cafe Perks, where I am a VERY GOOD regular, and they had a sign out saying they are opening late (9am) for cleanup. That's my standby for those night I get no sleep because they open at 6 usually. Finally went to IHOP, and that block still has no power! Can't complain though. I have food, I just wanted someone else to cook it. I'm sipping on the first homemade cappuccino I've made since my bender and I'll fry up some eggs and sausage in a minute.

Man, some of those dreams I had when I was on that mix of pills and booze were a cross between Quentin Tarantino and Stephen King no exaggeration. Now I'd give anything to just have a dream. And it wasn't as if I didn't work my ass off in my ex's yard yesterday either. That was a lot of heavy lifting.
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I think this whole Irma experience has traumatized all of us to some extent whether we're consciously aware of it or not. My ability to sleep soundly was disrupted several days before the storm and has yet to return to normal. I usually don't dream or don't remember the dreams but in August I had a couple of lucid dreams. I don't recall ever having a lucid dream before that. In one I verbalized to my wife to wake me up, basically to prove that I was aware I was dreaming.

At least you're sleeping. Your posts have a sense of normalcy, like you're getting on with dealing with life on life's terms as they say. If you just carry on with your normal waking routines, I'd be willing to bet you will start to have regular dream experiences again. It may happen when you least expect it. I had a dream like you described in detox in 2013 that shook up my roommates.
 
Hey Guys- the hurricane was insane like I knew it was going to be. My mother in law was in denial. I finally gave up
 
Oops- didnt mean to hit post

*above cont...

pleading and went to bed thinking Id probably wake up to the windows being blown in.

But the shelter (which was actually an enormous highschool) called at 1:30 Sunday morning. We got there around 3am. We were there until Monday afternoon. We didnt get power back until late Tues afternoon. But we stayed at a hotel until this a.m.

Im still feeling shitty. Just took some Lyrica - usually takes about an hour to work. I think Im dragging it out taking loperamide.

Im glad everyone survived Irma. I'm looking forward to going home at the end of this month. It's been a stressful visit to say the least. Sorry for the grim post.
 
Love you guys.... I was actually walking around the neighborhood during the hurricane. I have no fear outside of social interaction. My parents told me the other day that I was diagnosed as autistic when I was younger but they didn't accept or believe in it at the time. I totally see it... I used to to be a empath but I am quickly being molded into a sociopath by the world. My heart is blacker than charcoal at the moment and I want to give the world back what it has delivered. My sister has always said that I need to become harder and I think I have reached that point. Feeling selfish as Fuck. Deliver hurt and I'm gonna give it. No more sensitive Soul.

Love you guys but I'm in a dark and empowering place.

Hope You're doin well 10yrs...
 
Feel as if I can't go on.... What's the point. I've reached the so called jumping off point long ago. I can either keep using(that doesn't work), trudge the road of abject misery or off myself..... been thinking about suicide for the last 6hrs straight. It seems to be the only recurring theme in my life, along with addiction and loss. I remember as a child instead of counting sheep I would lull myself to sleep by imagining my own death. I've already outstayed my welcome. The only thing that has kept me hanging on this long is the thought of God and a happy fate but I can no longer hang on to that farce. Histories lessons have brought a stark reality to my door and I can't bear to look him in the eye.

I'm not even given the short reprieve of sleep anymore, which is really all I want. I would IV sleep over any drug on earth.
 
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Somni... I wish I could give you a hug. The dark place your're in kinda goes w what we're going through.

I'm feeling angry. And a little resentful. And this is gonna sound stupid- i feel resentful towards my mother in laws dog.

That damn dog is the reason she cancelled the hotel reservations, and because of that-was the reason I was sleeping on the cold, hard floor of a highschool instead of a bed at the hotel.

The dog most likely isn't going to live another year. It's not well. I told her to take tbe dog with us anyway and we would sneak her in. She was risking our lives. I have a daughter I want to see again.

Somni .my husband has Asbergers (sp?) He'd freak out if he knew I told you. In spite of that he's a decorated combat veteran and a gifted long range forecaster (weather -that's his gift) He has a weather page w 3000 followers. He's like Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory" and I'm like Penny lol. People all come in different packages.

Hang on Somni. ❤
 
Remember you can call me anytime and I'm literally just down the road. It's great we have this forum but you can't keep that shit bottled up. There's a lot I think in the 12 steps that is BS but I think there is a reason that one of the steps entails telling "God, ourselves AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING the exact nature of our wrongs." I don't particularly care if you share your wrongs or not, but there's no substitute for talking to someone face to face about what's eating you.

I was thinking of starting my own PAWS tracking post. The insomnia for me has been brutal lately too. Two nights ago, I went to bed around 11, woke up around 2:45, tossed and turned for about an hour and thought fuck it, Steak 'n Shake on OBT serves 24 hour breakfast, I'll just go there, but as luck would have it, they were having a post-Irma food shortage so that was a no go. So I just came home and read until it was time to get ready for work. Yesterday I got a third of my Ativan script filled and I thought YAY! these will knock me out. I took 2mg around midnight and was still was up to about 2, although since I'm not working today I did eventually get a full 8 hours of sleep in. I'm considering getting my medical pot card since my PTSD diagnosis qualifies me and I don't want to keep relying on benzos for sleep. Although maybe as PAWS symptoms shift more benign meds might work who knows? I also noticed that I haven't been a "hot" sleeper the past few nights. Usually I need a fan on me (or during the cooler months I have the windows wide open on those 50 degree nights) to fall asleep then pile on the covers in the middle of the night, but the past few nights I've been going to bed chilly. Again it will be interesting to note if it is a continued effect of the PAWS and/or how that changes.

I've been a lifelong insomniac, which I think started with an irrational phobia of the dark at a young age which led to me sleeping with a lamp on (my father would berate me for "driving up the light bill") not a good habit to establish good sleep hygiene. Then in college I discovered alcohol was a very cheap way to fall asleep fairly quickly, plus I liked the way it made me feel. Then starting out in my professional career, I discovered how in addition to making me fall asleep faster, it also quieted worries and concerns. And it worked for many years but then there came that time where I wasn't waking up hungover but still wasted 8(

Anyway man, call me. My ex wife still doesn't have power and she lives in fucking "Tony" Winter Park (I fucking detest Maitland and Winter Park, having lived there for 12 yrs, especially their law enforcement, we can bitch about that) so if she's camped out here, I don't necessarily want to be here lol.
 
How are you doing this morning Somni? It took a long time but I managed to fall asleep without the help of Ativan last night. I didn't sleep for as long but I feel better rested and was grateful for dreams bizarre as some of them were.

EDIT: I'm not working today so honestly I am contemplating drinking but I remember the last drinking I did, to keep from getting insanely drunk, I stuck to light beer and how unsatisfying it was. I've got to get back into the routine I was in before that last binge, before Irma before all of it.
 
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I'm doing well. I actually slept for more than an hour without alcohol since the first time since I started this journey 20 some odd days ago... 4.5hrs of broken sleep.. Hells to yeah. Might have slept longer if my dad wouldn't have come in my room and turned on my light to find my car keys. He knows how much I've been struggling with the issue and I honestly could have strangled him...lol.... I am being hit with a massive temptation as well. An old friend and last link to the drug world is offering me methadone, Xanax and cash to help him with storm clean up at his house. It wouldn't be much but even one day of small dosing would be a set back for me at this point.

Sorry for not responding to any posts lately. I have honestly just been trying to keep myself busy and distracted and haven't really wanted to think about myself or what was going on recovery wise. Not that I wasn't focused on doing healthy things. I was just getting into getting some of the more mundane details of daily living and recreation. I haven't wanted to involve myself in anything overly emotional or introspective. I'm trying to practice just live and let be through accepting the moment and keeping it simple.

Thank you so much for always responding Aihfl. It honestly means the world to me. Hope you feel better. I will give you a call this evening. Try to stay strong. As for me I'm not so sure the temptation is pulling me just for the pure simple fact of getting out and being active with someone who I'm familiar with and enjoy their company. Only problem is its not that simple and I will partake in the done and Xanax if I do. I will have to cut off this relationship but it isn't easy because this guy is a genuine friend that I go back 20yrs with.

I really need to get out of my comfort zone to build new relationships. It's always very difficult for me because it usually takes quite a bit of rapport for me to truly connect with some one and I can get very self conscience and awkward so I tend to feel detached until I feel comfortable. I know AA or NA is going to be where I will make these connections but it doesn't help because the cynic in me usually has the bullshit antenna set on high at meetings...lol..

I really miss all my Daytona recovery friends. Living at a halfway house you actually get to spend more time with people and build genuine friendships. I always wished there were more alternative sober meetings that didn't revolve around the format of AA and NA. Not that I don't like the 12 steps. I just don't like how most meetings are run. It always seems like nothing genuine or real is ever said. It's just everyone regurgitating the same simple phrases, quotes and platitudes and whenever we read from a book I always feel like I am struggling to make a personal connection to what is being read that really doesn't denote what is really going on with me at all. I honestly usually find that the hour actually spent within the meeting feels like a giant waste of time.
 
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10YearsGone said:
Somni... I wish I could give you a hug. The dark place your're in kinda goes w what we're going through.

I'm feeling angry. And a little resentful. And this is gonna sound stupid- i feel resentful towards my mother in laws dog.

That damn dog is the reason she cancelled the hotel reservations, and because of that-was the reason I was sleeping on the cold, hard floor of a highschool instead of a bed at the hotel.

The dog most likely isn't going to live another year. It's not well. I told her to take tbe dog with us anyway and we would sneak her in. She was risking our lives. I have a daughter I want to see again.

Somni .my husband has Asbergers (sp?) He'd freak out if he knew I told you. In spite of that he's a decorated combat veteran and a gifted long range forecaster (weather -that's his gift) He has a weather page w 3000 followers. He's like Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory" and I'm like Penny lol. People all come in different packages.

Hang on Somni. ❤
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Thank you 10yrs<3.. You are really in a tough situation and I can definitely understand that resentment. I truly am grateful to have been able to ride out the storm at home and get my power back the next day. My sister lives right down the street and they still don't have power. I heard there are places that won't get power for a month8o... Hang in there doll... <3you
 
I've just got to get my ass down to Dinn-Wixie or Publix and get my refrigerator restocked. I'm experiencing classic HALT symptoms and at least I can take care of the "H" part of it pretty easily at the grocery store. The rest of it is going to be a bit more challenging....

I don't know if my ex and her neighbors ever made it on to WKMG news (I usually watch Fox 35 at 10 then turn in) but she texted this morning to say don't bother coming over to help get the genny going because her neighborhood is crawling with linemen from Georgia. I thought she was going to be one of those people without power for a month.
 
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Somni!!! Im so glad you posted. Ive been worried about you. I know what it's like to get in that headspace. I keep going in and out of it. I'm still struggling w cravings. I keep reminding myself of the reasons I hate it and not to use (Like I could die. After I was clean over a yr my tolerance changed. I did 5bag shots-to get well!! Not high. Just well. Things have changed)

Its so easy to forget the bad. Why is it so damn difficult to get of the grasp of this goddamn dope. That was rhetorical. I have to add Im also addicted to the needle. Just keeping it a hundred.

Im still mad at the dog lol. But I hold her and pet her anyway. Dammit. She's sweet. But I wasnt going to get trapped in debri because of her. Thank God it is all ok. Including the dog.

Physically I feel not so good. I think I got a small dependence on subs. Im getting more loperamide. Glad you're ok. <3 you Somni
 
Somni are you opposed to the idea of going to a doctor and asking for clonidine. I know I must be one of the only people in America that is a proponent of using clonidine for sleep, but I prefer it over benzos, ambien, weed, basically anything besides heroin as far as sleeping goes. You should give it a try...it's not habit forming and works wonders for me
 
twang said:
Somni are you opposed to the idea of going to a doctor and asking for clonidine. I know I must be one of the only people in America that is a proponent of using clonidine for sleep, but I prefer it over benzos, ambien, weed, basically anything besides heroin as far as sleeping goes. You should give it a try...it's not habit forming and works wonders for me
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Absolutely not averse to the idea.. I found clonidine to be great for withdrawal, early PAWS... Although I only ever had it prescribed for that purpose once and that was about 15yrs ago. Unfortunately I am currently destitute, until I get a job due to my car being out of commission for a bit but I am pretty much ready to get back out there into the work force. Are you sure it's not habit forming. I actually just read a post in the Dark Side of somebody that couldn't get off it because of withdrawals and I do admit I am a bit afraid to take it for any length of time because I've also heard from friends that it is highly addictive and can have horrible withdrawal(rebound???).
 
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