Just A Guy
Bluelight Crew
Our inner junkie and all that. lol
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
August: getting/staying sober thread vs. seasons end
- Thread starter neversickanymore
- Start date
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Our inner junkie and all that. lol
Papaverium
Bluelighter
Off to pick up my 30 day chip today! :D
I can't believe my bf convinced me to do NA
(and happy thousandth post to meeeeee!! hehe) 8)
I can't believe my bf convinced me to do NA
(and happy thousandth post to meeeeee!! hehe) 8)
pbuilder
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2011
- Messages
- 2,118
I haven't done any stimulants accept for mdma once for the last 30 days. I was in a rut where I was using cocaine at least once or twice a week, and started freebasing it and smoking it as well. I also occasionally ordered ethylphenidate online and forgot last time I ordered crystals but was sent powder so I complained and they agreed to send me another gram when they got their new batch in. They said they gave me powder because it was the crumbs at the bottom of their crystal EPH supply.
So anyways I deleted all my coke dealers and managed to stay clean for a whole month, longest I have in a year and a half I'd say.
Today in the mail I get the gram of EPH crystals they promised to resend that I had forgotten about. I didn't get any email notifications so I assumed they lied and had no idea it was coming.
I hate what stimulants do to me, they destroy me mentally and physically and I compulsively redose until it is all gone . Well, I snorted a bit because I just couldn't say no, and then finally for the first time ever decided I didn't want to go through some more hell so I flushed .75 of the gram, the first time I've ever gotten myself to flush drugs. I kept about .2 which I can't get myself to flush but at least with only .2 I can't binge and stay up for multiple days as it isn't much , so it will be gone and done with tonight.
Proud of myself for flushing most of it, even though I kept a bit. It's still a big step for me.
So anyways I deleted all my coke dealers and managed to stay clean for a whole month, longest I have in a year and a half I'd say.
Today in the mail I get the gram of EPH crystals they promised to resend that I had forgotten about. I didn't get any email notifications so I assumed they lied and had no idea it was coming.
I hate what stimulants do to me, they destroy me mentally and physically and I compulsively redose until it is all gone . Well, I snorted a bit because I just couldn't say no, and then finally for the first time ever decided I didn't want to go through some more hell so I flushed .75 of the gram, the first time I've ever gotten myself to flush drugs. I kept about .2 which I can't get myself to flush but at least with only .2 I can't binge and stay up for multiple days as it isn't much , so it will be gone and done with tonight.
Proud of myself for flushing most of it, even though I kept a bit. It's still a big step for me.
xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
Congrats to everyone in here, you all inspire and motivate me more than you know 
BlueSaffron, just wanna say that you are a freaking WARRIOR. I haven't posted in your thread yet, but you started it just as I was embarking on my first detox attempt of the summer and I have been following your journey ever since. I know it's been really hard for you at times and I know that you still have a rough road ahead of you... but for what it's worth, I think you have been incredibly strong throughout your taper -- even at times when it seems like the universe is doing it's best to test you by throwing you into situations where drugs and drug dealers are present, you've been able to resist it and walk away... and that is absolutely freaking amazing, and I look up to you a lot and have all the faith in the world that you're going to get through this and come out the other side with lots to gain. After all, this methadone taper you're doing has been a long, looong process... I can't even imagine what it must be like to be uncomfortable and in pain for MONTHS. I don't think I would be able to do it, I mean shiiit, I can hardly stand being dopesick for a week!! Did I mention already that you're amazing?! haha. And I genuinely believe that your herculean efforts are going to be very much rewarded in the end!! Anyway, I figured it was about time I said something instead of following your journey silently and continuing to lurk like some weirdo stalker, lol... but for real tho... all joking aside, I really just wanted you to know that I believe in you and I'm rooting for you
As for me, I relapsed near the end of day 4... as I'm sure some of you probably figured out already by the way I stopped posting... the plan was to use for that one day, just a little tiny bit, and then resume my detox the following day. We all know how that story goes, though -- "just a little bit, just this once" quickly became me falling back into the everyday cycle. What has me really worried is the fact that I finished all of my Suboxone, so my only choices now are cold turkey or stay in active addiction. And I definitely DON'T want to stay in active addiction, I don't want this to become a 6-month-long-or-longer run. I'm really trying not to let that little predicament and the fact that I relapsed in the first place bring me down or discourage me, but it's hard. I'm hoping I can get back on the wagon before it gets much worse, but it's hard... I'm scared and I keep hesitating. I HAVE to do it though. I'm going to do it.
One thing I'm NOT going to do, however, is stop posting here again. In the past when I've relapsed after a detox attempt, I've felt so ashamed by it that I would just stop coming to the boards altogether. Well it was more like a combination of feeling ashamed, feeling like a failure, and a strange sort of sense of denial... like, if I could avoid the forums, thereby avoiding admitting to relapsing, it made it seem less... real. Or less severe? Idk, something like that. I'm not going to do that anymore though. I don't want to run away from my issues or my relapses. They don't deserve to have all the power I'm giving them by doing that, when I try to hide it from the whole world it only makes my addiction that much stronger. And obviously, it's time to try something new. Because clearly, my way isn't working. So I'm doing things differently this time and holding myself accountable to you guys. No matter what, I am going to stay on these forums and I'm going to keep trying and keep fighting the good fight until it finally sticks. Another thing I'm doing is that I've started a journal, and I've dedicated myself to writing in it at least once a day, NO MATTER WHAT. I know these aren't huge changes, but at least they're something, and I honestly do believe that these two things will make a noticeably positive difference for me and give me a real chance to have a much more successful recovery!!
Again, I want to express my gratitude for you guys... all of you!! Each of you have given me something valuable... whether it's as simple as just knowing that you're here and fighting the same battles as I am, something more direct like talking to me and giving me advice, or something in the middle like maybe a post you've made where even if you weren't speaking to me directly, I saw it and your words made a lot of sense to me and something just clicked... you have ALL helped me in one way or another, whether you know it or not. Bluelight truly is my number one support system as far as my battle with addiction goes, and there is a reason for that. In the Sober Living forums, I have found more love, more selflessness, more inspiration and motivation, more understanding and lack of judgement, and more strong, beautiful, caring souls than I have found ANYWHERE else... not with friends or family or even treatment centers. Sure, those things are important too. But friends and family don't always understand and can even be detrimental to recovery at times, and I've found that treatment centers tend to be more focused on the bottom line than ensuring the addicted individual really has the tools they need to get clean and stay that way long after they've left the facility. I've found more support and tools for recovery and advice that makes actual sense, that I can really apply to my life and it actually helps, here in these forums than I have found with family, friends, and treatment centers combined. You guys truly are amazing!! I love and appreciate you all... thank you
BlueSaffron, just wanna say that you are a freaking WARRIOR. I haven't posted in your thread yet, but you started it just as I was embarking on my first detox attempt of the summer and I have been following your journey ever since. I know it's been really hard for you at times and I know that you still have a rough road ahead of you... but for what it's worth, I think you have been incredibly strong throughout your taper -- even at times when it seems like the universe is doing it's best to test you by throwing you into situations where drugs and drug dealers are present, you've been able to resist it and walk away... and that is absolutely freaking amazing, and I look up to you a lot and have all the faith in the world that you're going to get through this and come out the other side with lots to gain. After all, this methadone taper you're doing has been a long, looong process... I can't even imagine what it must be like to be uncomfortable and in pain for MONTHS. I don't think I would be able to do it, I mean shiiit, I can hardly stand being dopesick for a week!! Did I mention already that you're amazing?! haha. And I genuinely believe that your herculean efforts are going to be very much rewarded in the end!! Anyway, I figured it was about time I said something instead of following your journey silently and continuing to lurk like some weirdo stalker, lol... but for real tho... all joking aside, I really just wanted you to know that I believe in you and I'm rooting for you
As for me, I relapsed near the end of day 4... as I'm sure some of you probably figured out already by the way I stopped posting... the plan was to use for that one day, just a little tiny bit, and then resume my detox the following day. We all know how that story goes, though -- "just a little bit, just this once" quickly became me falling back into the everyday cycle. What has me really worried is the fact that I finished all of my Suboxone, so my only choices now are cold turkey or stay in active addiction. And I definitely DON'T want to stay in active addiction, I don't want this to become a 6-month-long-or-longer run. I'm really trying not to let that little predicament and the fact that I relapsed in the first place bring me down or discourage me, but it's hard. I'm hoping I can get back on the wagon before it gets much worse, but it's hard... I'm scared and I keep hesitating. I HAVE to do it though. I'm going to do it.
One thing I'm NOT going to do, however, is stop posting here again. In the past when I've relapsed after a detox attempt, I've felt so ashamed by it that I would just stop coming to the boards altogether. Well it was more like a combination of feeling ashamed, feeling like a failure, and a strange sort of sense of denial... like, if I could avoid the forums, thereby avoiding admitting to relapsing, it made it seem less... real. Or less severe? Idk, something like that. I'm not going to do that anymore though. I don't want to run away from my issues or my relapses. They don't deserve to have all the power I'm giving them by doing that, when I try to hide it from the whole world it only makes my addiction that much stronger. And obviously, it's time to try something new. Because clearly, my way isn't working. So I'm doing things differently this time and holding myself accountable to you guys. No matter what, I am going to stay on these forums and I'm going to keep trying and keep fighting the good fight until it finally sticks. Another thing I'm doing is that I've started a journal, and I've dedicated myself to writing in it at least once a day, NO MATTER WHAT. I know these aren't huge changes, but at least they're something, and I honestly do believe that these two things will make a noticeably positive difference for me and give me a real chance to have a much more successful recovery!!
Again, I want to express my gratitude for you guys... all of you!! Each of you have given me something valuable... whether it's as simple as just knowing that you're here and fighting the same battles as I am, something more direct like talking to me and giving me advice, or something in the middle like maybe a post you've made where even if you weren't speaking to me directly, I saw it and your words made a lot of sense to me and something just clicked... you have ALL helped me in one way or another, whether you know it or not. Bluelight truly is my number one support system as far as my battle with addiction goes, and there is a reason for that. In the Sober Living forums, I have found more love, more selflessness, more inspiration and motivation, more understanding and lack of judgement, and more strong, beautiful, caring souls than I have found ANYWHERE else... not with friends or family or even treatment centers. Sure, those things are important too. But friends and family don't always understand and can even be detrimental to recovery at times, and I've found that treatment centers tend to be more focused on the bottom line than ensuring the addicted individual really has the tools they need to get clean and stay that way long after they've left the facility. I've found more support and tools for recovery and advice that makes actual sense, that I can really apply to my life and it actually helps, here in these forums than I have found with family, friends, and treatment centers combined. You guys truly are amazing!! I love and appreciate you all... thank you
SilverFeniks
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2002
- Messages
- 4,541
I really don't belong in this thread,.tho I have tried for many months.
On a positive note though I've only.smoked herb a.handful.of times.this summer (since my Spring psychiatric breakdown & physical illnesses).
Was hooked on herb off and on for over a decade, and I finally stopped craving it. Made me.too damn anxious and paranoid, tho I do miss the audiovisual effects.
Saw a Psychiatrist for the first time all year last week. She continued my anti-psychotic, upped my mood-stabalizer, and re-Rx'd me.something for insomnia. I've still.been.drinking like crazy this year (ususally beer but sometimes obliterating myself.with liquor) ... She scolded me.for this, said I should only have 1beer per day as more alcohol.will interfere with my meds. No way I can achieve that but I've at least avoided the liquor stores and been at 2-3 beers per day.
Just started taking etizolam.this week, my HMO refuses to prescribe anything potentially addictive (nevemind the absolute hell I go through if I quit my meds...)
Probably a dumb move since I get easily addicted to anything I take. Havent touched X or OPs in a year though .. I'd trade it all for .some more opiods but I am entirely over stimulants, don't want to touch that crap ever again.
Turning 30 soon, marking 12.5 years of drug abuse. Hoping to kick off my next decade with much more manageable amounts of addiction & medication.
On a positive note though I've only.smoked herb a.handful.of times.this summer (since my Spring psychiatric breakdown & physical illnesses).
Was hooked on herb off and on for over a decade, and I finally stopped craving it. Made me.too damn anxious and paranoid, tho I do miss the audiovisual effects.
Saw a Psychiatrist for the first time all year last week. She continued my anti-psychotic, upped my mood-stabalizer, and re-Rx'd me.something for insomnia. I've still.been.drinking like crazy this year (ususally beer but sometimes obliterating myself.with liquor) ... She scolded me.for this, said I should only have 1beer per day as more alcohol.will interfere with my meds. No way I can achieve that but I've at least avoided the liquor stores and been at 2-3 beers per day.
Just started taking etizolam.this week, my HMO refuses to prescribe anything potentially addictive (nevemind the absolute hell I go through if I quit my meds...)
Probably a dumb move since I get easily addicted to anything I take. Havent touched X or OPs in a year though .. I'd trade it all for .some more opiods but I am entirely over stimulants, don't want to touch that crap ever again.
Turning 30 soon, marking 12.5 years of drug abuse. Hoping to kick off my next decade with much more manageable amounts of addiction & medication.
pbuilder
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2011
- Messages
- 2,118
Anyone with even the slightest idea that they want to get sober belongs here
no judgement at all. Just slowing down a bit is a big step on the road to recovery. The fact that you are in a mindset that is completely over stimulants is great, and over a year with no opiates is a huge achievement!So are you trying to use the etizolam to taper off alcohol? It's not a bad idea but I find when benzos and booze mix, even in low amounts they highly potentiate each other. So be careful, benzos are the king of physical addictions from what I've read, with paws that can last years once ur hooked if u try to hop off cold turkey.
If you can entirely replace your craving for booze with etizolam and start working on a taper that would be a great idea!
Good luck.
Pretendgender
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2014
- Messages
- 9
If there is one thing I've learnt all these years is, that when you give up a substance (which, like you say is your whole life),you need to replace it with something else. I used to enrol myself in Tafe courses. It really helped me focus on something else...had heaps of study to do at home. Or find a hobby you really enjoy. This may take a little time to find out what you really want to do,because you probably have never thought about anything else but obtaining doc, (I know i hadn't) and getting high.Stay positive. And all the best. Oh, and when you get some energy...exercise ...swimming, walking etc..And don't panic if ya relapse....start again..
Pretendgender
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2014
- Messages
- 9
I agree, ya can't beat NA or AA
Papaverium
Bluelighter
Day 31
Probably gonna go to a meeting later on tonight.
Probably gonna go to a meeting later on tonight.
In the Sober Living forums, I have found more love, more selflessness, more inspiration and motivation, more understanding and lack of judgement, and more strong, beautiful, caring souls than I have found ANYWHERE else... not with friends or family or even treatment centers. Sure, those things are important too. But friends and family don't always understand and can even be detrimental to recovery at times, and I've found that treatment centers tend to be more focused on the bottom line than ensuring the addicted individual really has the tools they need to get clean and stay that way long after they've left the facility. I've found more support and tools for recovery and advice that makes actual sense, that I can really apply to my life and it actually helps, here in these forums than I have found with family, friends, and treatment centers combined. You guys truly are amazing!! I love and appreciate you all... thank you
your the shit burt. If i were you I would think about how to prevent from going to one extreme to the other. It seems that when you relapse your whole mind set changes and your off to the races. Think about ways you can instead dust yourself off, get up and continue moving forward instead of jumping head long back in. You can do this burt
Had a great time at the NA convention, even though I didn't know a single individual. Getting ready to go back today. Only problem I got offered shit three times on the walk back to the El... (that is Chicago for you). Gotta admit it got my mind racing. I wasn't going to act on it (just told myself not today, not today, not today, not today) but my mind was fucking racing. It just brought back a lot of memories and caused some cravings. Mainly thoughts of "I wonder what they have, wonder if its good, remember that time blah blah blah"
After talking to my sponsor, I decided not to go. Just don't have enough confidence to potentially place myself in that situation again.
After talking to my sponsor, I decided not to go. Just don't have enough confidence to potentially place myself in that situation again.
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BlueSaffron
Bluelighter
Just remember phactor, even if it IS good, the place it's going to take you isn't. One minute you're high, the next you're strung out again, unsure how to stop or how to get your life back on the right track.
FInding people to walk back with is a good idea. I admit I was very tempted when I walked by my old dealer the other day... but it felt amazing to ignore him and get in my car and drive away. I haven't felt that strong in a long time. It felt like the door opening to a new life
FInding people to walk back with is a good idea. I admit I was very tempted when I walked by my old dealer the other day... but it felt amazing to ignore him and get in my car and drive away. I haven't felt that strong in a long time. It felt like the door opening to a new life
BlueSaffron
Bluelighter
Congrats to everyone in here, you all inspire and motivate me more than you know
BlueSaffron, just wanna say that you are a freaking WARRIOR. I haven't posted in your thread yet, but you started it just as I was embarking on my first detox attempt of the summer and I have been following your journey ever since. I know it's been really hard for you at times and I know that you still have a rough road ahead of you... but for what it's worth, I think you have been incredibly strong throughout your taper -- even at times when it seems like the universe is doing it's best to test you by throwing you into situations where drugs and drug dealers are present, you've been able to resist it and walk away... and that is absolutely freaking amazing, and I look up to you a lot and have all the faith in the world that you're going to get through this and come out the other side with lots to gain. After all, this methadone taper you're doing has been a long, looong process... I can't even imagine what it must be like to be uncomfortable and in pain for MONTHS. I don't think I would be able to do it, I mean shiiit, I can hardly stand being dopesick for a week!! Did I mention already that you're amazing?! haha. And I genuinely believe that your herculean efforts are going to be very much rewarded in the end!! Anyway, I figured it was about time I said something instead of following your journey silently and continuing to lurk like some weirdo stalker, lol... but for real tho... all joking aside, I really just wanted you to know that I believe in you and I'm rooting for you
Thanks chick, that means a lot
Its definitely been hard, and I look back and I'm like, I got on in late May, so it's only been about 3 months - but it feels like at least 6. I just keep believing that it'll pay off, even when the payoff seems like it's light years away if it even happens at all. There's a line in "Big Ol Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller Band where he says "you know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven"... I also need to keep reminding myself that I CHOSE this way. I could've got on 70 mgs of methadone and been totaly comfy (and nodding out every afternoon, which I hated), and I could've stayed on that for a while and then started going down very slowly, 1 mg a week or something... but then I would've been on methadone for another year and a half. I'd already been on it for a while before and I just didn't want to do that. I don't like the zombie feeling it gives me, how it numbs me out mentally and physically, how I have to go to the clinic everyday and worry someone I know is going to see me coming out the door. I just want to be DONE with it. So to do that, I have to go through this. But I have a vision of how I want my life to be when I'm clean, and working, and living on my own, and that vision keeps me going when I want to just say fuck it.I agree btw, the people on this forum are great. Really supportive, non-judgmental, will tell you the truth when you need to hear it but not in a way that tears you down... this place has helped me a lot.
I totally believe you can get clean, too
You seem smart and motivated... you just need to stick with it and keep trying. I had my little relapses, once with H and a couple times with vicodin, but I didn't let it stop me, I just kept going, so definitely don't stop posting if you relapse! When I relapsed I posted about it. I wanted to be honest, and my "I'm Done" thread is for me to help me get clean, so what use would it be if I lied in there? I don't know which choice is right for you - CT or subs... do you have access to comfort meds, like some gabapentin or ativan or xanax? If you do, I'd recommend CT. I know it's hard but at least with H it's over quickly. I'm dreading my last dose of methadone because I know it's going to be a couple weeks before I start to feel better, but on H its actually easier cos its out of your system quicker. Whatever you choose, you know we'll all be here to cheer you on.10 mgs today. I think back to a couple months ago, when I was on 24 and miserable, barely tolerating it. Now I'm on 10 and miserable - that's progress, right?
lol. No, seriously... it's gotten a little better. I've been laughing a little more, and maybe feeling a little tiny bit more calm, once in a while. But I still feel amped up and restless and like I can't get pleasure out of anything. It's so. fucking. frustrating. I miss being ME. I am not this anxious, depressed person. I've always been the kind of person who enjoys little things and doesnt get irritated easily. THe things I miss are so simple it probably sounds stupid, but I miss just putting music on and daydreaming, or getting lost in a tv show or a movie... I can't do that feeling like this, or if I do, it never lasts long. I'm so used to having heroin in my brain telling me everything's ok, and the rebound anxiety from not having it is insane. And I hate how little things make me want to cry... but enough complaining. 10 mgs. I'll be off soon, and then I'll really start to get better. 10 more mgs. I can do it.Just remember phactor, even if it IS good, the place it's going to take you isn't. One minute you're high, the next you're strung out again, unsure how to stop or how to get your life back on the right track.
FInding people to walk back with is a good idea. I admit I was very tempted when I walked by my old dealer the other day... but it felt amazing to ignore him and get in my car and drive away. I haven't felt that strong in a long time. It felt like the door opening to a new life
Yeah I ended up skipping out on that, just didn't feel confident enough to do that walk again. If I feel slightly hesitant about something like that (something that possibly puts my sobriety at risk) then I skip it. Now, sometimes I know I need to feel uncomfortable in order to grow and learn new skills. Last night was not one of those. I was feeling great, heard some great messages at the Convention but all it took was that one second and bam I am reeling. So I decided to go to a meeting right next to a notorious treatment/detox center in Chicago. On the way out there I ran into a homeless guy my age who saw my NA book. We talked a bit, he was on the Green Line in Chicago so its 99.9 percent certain he was on his way to cop.
Main lesson was, I was feeling a bit cocky I guess before I got out here. I still obviously have associations with many things here in Chicago and that will cause me to crave. Just walking by bars I used to go too was a bit difficult. Main thing is: I DID NOT USE. I spent an entire weekend with nobody to be accountable too and so far I have made it through. I have no plans on using either, so I am pretty confident.
I say good call, but i think making it through a trigger like that is very empowering if it ever comes up again. Please PM me if you wanna shoot the shit or you need anybody to bounce things off in order to see whats really up phactor or need a shoulder to lean on for a sec
hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2007
- Messages
- 8,493
yeah you can. it's a bitch not being high and not being sober though. counting down different substances, but feels familiar. yesterday i got to 0mgs. with confidence after a long, determined taper.
my goal is to not be daily, physically dependent, and with a significant tolerance. i figure that means a few months to a year of not using at all before i can take any without falling back into first thing when i wake up. i'm not sure how dumb ever taking a benzo again is, but as of now i'm not at all telling myself that's off limits. i'm not telling myself any of these drugs are forever off limits. to be determined if that's true. saying forever would make the day impossible.
couldn't have gotten to 0mgs without being off alcohol. over 5 months now. they are inexorably linked. my drinking and pills was way more than i realized. looking back on it, just shake my head. i totally miss it. alcohol and pills is such glamorous destruction. thinking about what i must have done to my brain and liver is disgusting, so i lean on that during hard moments. just a few isn't acceptable if your trying to recover from so much self-induced damage. thinking about what alcohol must still taste and feel like is weird. slimy and scalding. helps to think about alcohol as clear liquor instead of port (fonseca and noval), red (cakebread and gnarly head), stout (brooklyn black), coffee and dark (kahlua midnight), etc. the idea of whiskey in my morning coffee with a fingerfull of valium and ativan. wouldn't that be nice.
weed is last on the list of things i have to knock off. feels silly, but my longest running addiction. today is as good as any to start. actually, today is the best remaining. i'm not going to work tired as fuck tomorrow, so if i can smoke nothing but a bedtime bowl, today's a success.
my little brother is inspiration.
xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
Yep, all heroin has EVER done and will ever do is hold people back from achieving their full potential in life, so I'd say envisioning your life sober is a fabulous motivator. It's weird... I always knew this, but I think up until recently I'd just been kidding myself, thinking that I could use AND have everything I've ever wanted. I mean, there had to be a way, right?! But LOLno... there's really no way to be a functional heroin addict forever. So I def know what you mean about having a vision for your life for when you're clean. I didn't really get that concept 100%, like I said I've been good at kidding myself into thinking I can have my cake and eat it too - it's like my whole career as an addict was centered around finding a way to do this - but now I get that's not possible. I realized all this about two days ago, when I was writing in my journal and I decided to put down all these different life categories... you know like work/career, education, finances, creativity, family, physical and mental health, personal growth... basically any category I could think of. Then I went through one by one and wrote down what my life would look like in each of those categories... what it would look like if I wasn't limited by ANYTHING, nothing at all, not my addiction or what family/friends/society thinks or anything else. I allowed myself to dream as big as possible. Then I took it one step further and wrote down the things I would need to do in order to make those dreams a reality. And this was the big "aha!" moment for me... because even for the biggest, most improbable dreams I had, it turned out there were plenty of things I could do to accomplish them. At the very least, I could do things to bring myself closer to accomplishing them. And that in itself is enough, because even if that dream never becomes a reality, you're bound to be infinitely happier knowing that you're at least trying than if you were to do absolutely nothing. Besides, the prize is not necessarily ALWAYS in the outcome... sometimes, the prize is in the journey itself.
I just had this realization, one that was just this like absolute truth and I knew it in my heart to be true, that there is absolutely no reason why I or anyone else in this world can't achieve (or at least work toward achieving) every single dream we have in this world, in every little nook and cranny of our lives, no matter how impossible or ridiculous those dreams seem. And then I had my second "aha!" moment, because I asked myself -- what was holding me back and why hadn't I already started working on achieving these things a long time ago? The answer was so simple: it was because I had been so focused on being a heroin addict for so long. I'd given up on myself and my dreams around the same exact time that I first became addicted to heroin. Somehow, I'd never put two and two together. But now that I have, it's very liberating. I really CAN have a life beyond my wildest dreams. Everyone can!! The only requirement, at least for me, is I HAVE TO STAY CLEAN IF I WANT ANY OF THESE THINGS. For one, heroin redirects my focus to my addiction and all the woe-is-me, self-defeating thoughts that come along with it... soon, I forget all about the things that will make my life better and it's like I never had any goals or ambition in the first place, let alone the motivation to actually work on improving anything!! And then there are the lies, the deceit, the sickness, the betrayal to your core self and to the people you love, the problems with the law, the spiritual deterioration, the inability to feel anything real... all of those things are designed to work against you, they do nothing but slowly eat away at the very essence of who you are until eventually you lose sight of the fact that you ever even had dreams in the first place... let alone the fact that you're someone who is worth having and accomplishing those dreams in the first place. God, that's sad. Heroin truly is evil.
Sooo yeah, vision = definitely an important motivator. For the first time in a veryyy long time, I have a crystal clear picture of what I want my life to look like. There is no doubt in my mind that the only way to achieve any of it is if I get and stay clean. And I have to say, this string of realizations have made a big difference as far as keeping me inspired, motivated, and focused. It's really kind of a huge relief %)
Thank youu
I do have a couple lorazepams (that's Ativan right? lol) and I was also able to get another Suboxone. I do wanna try to get through it cold turkey first tho. It just makes me feel better, knowing it's there if I really need it. Ugh I really have to just suck it up and do it and stop being a lil bitch about it haha... summer is my favorite time of year and I really want to be able to enjoy the warm weather, CLEAN, while it lasts!!
Papaverium
Bluelighter
So.... my bf relapsed today right as I was on my way to an NA meeting.... I'm so upset, but I can't change it so I gotta accept it, and only support him the best I can, but right now I can't even talk to him, he left me 2 voicemails he was so nodding I could barely tell what he was saying to me. 
I'm 32 Days off opis today and I'm NOT going back to it, even though I'm so choked I could just waste what I have left, but I can't let someone else's problem affect me. It was suuuch a trigger listening to those messages after the meeting, I just wanted to call my dealer right then and there, but instead I came home and got on BL to just vent to fellow addicts in recovery because this is fucking hard and no one can do this alone! I can't go back to that lifestyle, I have dreams to fulfill, and a synthetic prick to numb my emotions isn't gonna stop me from achieving them! I wanna start my own small, alternative clothing business and without motivation it's not gonna happen, and without opiates, I'll g et my motivation back.
One day at a time.
As for today, what I learned at that meeting was to follow my dreams, and I realized... maybe I should use motivation AS my "higher power" (even though I hate the cheesy NA "God/Higher Power" stuff, the concept of the programme really helps).
If I think of motivation every time I get a craving, every time I feel depressed, or useless... I can get back on my feet and create the things I've always dreamed of, and have the most awesome life. But it's not gonna happen in one day, which is what I have a problem with...
Patience.
You have to work for what you wanna achieve if it means you'll be happy in the long run. Findig happiness the easy way eventually just turns to misery because it's all FAKE.
Enjoy life, don't worry about the past, or think into the future, just think about the Now, because it's gonna happen regardless, it's happening right now so make the best of it. And that's what I gotta work on for now.
~Verri
I'm 32 Days off opis today and I'm NOT going back to it, even though I'm so choked I could just waste what I have left, but I can't let someone else's problem affect me. It was suuuch a trigger listening to those messages after the meeting, I just wanted to call my dealer right then and there, but instead I came home and got on BL to just vent to fellow addicts in recovery because this is fucking hard and no one can do this alone! I can't go back to that lifestyle, I have dreams to fulfill, and a synthetic prick to numb my emotions isn't gonna stop me from achieving them! I wanna start my own small, alternative clothing business and without motivation it's not gonna happen, and without opiates, I'll g et my motivation back.
One day at a time.
As for today, what I learned at that meeting was to follow my dreams, and I realized... maybe I should use motivation AS my "higher power" (even though I hate the cheesy NA "God/Higher Power" stuff, the concept of the programme really helps).
If I think of motivation every time I get a craving, every time I feel depressed, or useless... I can get back on my feet and create the things I've always dreamed of, and have the most awesome life. But it's not gonna happen in one day, which is what I have a problem with...
Patience.
You have to work for what you wanna achieve if it means you'll be happy in the long run. Findig happiness the easy way eventually just turns to misery because it's all FAKE.
Enjoy life, don't worry about the past, or think into the future, just think about the Now, because it's gonna happen regardless, it's happening right now so make the best of it. And that's what I gotta work on for now.
~Verri
Papa.. can you send some one to check on him.. So may people od on relapses.
Great work Papaverium
.. seems like you really have your eye on the prize. one day at a time, just not use today.
Great work Papaverium
.. seems like you really have your eye on the prize. one day at a time, just not use today.
Papaverium
Bluelighter
Papa.. can you send some one to check on him.. So may people od on relapses.
Great work Papaverium
He currently lives with his parents cause he was taking school. They sent him to rehab and are basically keeping him monitored since he came back, but they thought he was fucked up the other day cause we did do quite a bit of clonazepam, and he was stumbling when he got home, his parents thought he shot up again.... So he's all texting me like "OH they wanna see me relapse, I'll fuckin relapse!" and i tried sooo hard to talk him out of it
(But medically, I'm sure he is ok because his parents are there so if anything bad happened I'n sure they'd notice...
I should call him but I straight out told him I refuse to talk to him unless he is sober. So until he sobers up, then we can have a talk cause I'm not letting his nodding voice trigger me into using again, it can't happen!..
~Verri
EDIT: I tried calling him 3 times, I reallllllly hope he is just nodding, and if he passed oout he better not stop breathing...
I hope he's not dumb enough to come back from 2 months rehab thinking he can shoot 24mgs like he was able to.... *sigh* this is stressful for me and it shouldnt be, it's not my problem but I care about him, it's OUR problem...
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