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August: getting/staying sober thread vs. seasons end

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neversickanymore said:
Seriously consider calling his parents.
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I don't know their number :(

I just hope he's nodded out and that's all. Cause I mean ive nodded for hours on end before so I'm gonna hope that's the case cause that's all I can really do for now until I get a response.... :/
 
I hate to say it... but in a situation like this.......

Expect the worst, pray for the best... <3
 
Damn... I hope the guy's alright... I was just like that, my parents piss me the fuck off sometimes and I just wanna light up in front of their faces. Except now, I wanna stay clean for my own self, so I don't give a damn about what anyone tells me or thinks now.

Today was weird I slept too long, I swear every morning is a big pain in the ass. I see no reason to get up, even if to work out early in the day I just can't, my mind is like overpowering me fuck. I keep thinking how much better I felt and how anxiety or depression didn't exist when I was smoking that foil, UGH! I wanna leave the fucking house already and be with someone to go do something but then I remember that I DON'T, I have no money, my willpower isn't that strong yet, and I still have 4 more outpatient classes to go after tomorrow is over.

Struggling hard with motivation and my inner-self. So glad to read what you guys share man, it really hits the spot. I feel fucking angry and upset and just sick and tired of shit right now.

Stay clean stay clean stay clean.
 
24 more yuall =D

Download-Digital-Star-Hd-Wallpaper.jpg
 
Day 34 for me and counting.

Update: my bf is ok... just really depressed and sick in bed. Im just glad hes alive, thank you NSA for your help :)

~Verri
 
So I came pretty close to relapsing this morning. I was really down about a bunch of stuff, and on top of that it looked like I wasn't going to get that job after all. This am my friend texted me on the way to the clinic to borrow 10 bucks. I knew he was going to use it to cop, and when I met him downtown in front of the clinic I gave him the ten plus some extra and told him to get one for me too. He did, and I went and dosed.

I got back in the car and checked my email, and there was a message from the lady from the job, saying the GED proof I gave her will probably work. It's still not for sure I have it, I still have to pass the bgcheck and drug screen (which I'm really worried about), but there's still a chance.

I came home and called my counselor and asked him to put me down 1 mg per day til I'm done. If I get the job it starts on the 8th, I have to be there at 7 am, and my clinic opens at 7, and the job is an hour away... it's not going to work. Besides, I wake up as sick on 10 mg as I did on 20... I'm starting to feel like I'm dragging it out for nothing. Time to just get it over with.

I haven't done the piece I bought yet. I'm going to wait at least til I find out what's up with the job. Hopefully I won't do it at all and will have the strength to just throw it away regardless of what happens with the job.

I can't do this anxiety anymore. I just can't. I'm nothing like my old self, I second and third guess EVERYTHING, have no self confidence. I can't live this way, I just can't. So hopefully this fast taper will go well and once I'm off I'll start to feel better and the anxiety will go away a bit. I can't live my life waking up thinking the person I care most about probably doesn't like me anymore, or thinking no place is every going to hire me. Getting up and looking in the mirror and thinking I look old and ugly... no matter that guys still look at me and people tell me I look good - I can't see it right now, I think I look horrible. Anxiety about what the roommate is going to say/do, about the future - thinking it's too late, there's no point in trying, I've ruined my life and thats it. That my vision of my life - clean and sober, working, in my own apartment, seeing someone special - is a pipe dream I'm not capable of achieving. Turning on the tv and flipping through aimlessly.. picking up my phone and surfing the net, finding nothing that holds my interest...

When I type it out it sounds so trivial, like I'm complaining about things everyone goes through. I just don't know how to put into words how unhappy I am. Unhappy isn't even the right word. I'm depressed a lot, and anxious and I just don't feel like myself.

is there even a point in living this way?

So yeah, I'm getting off the 'done. Hopefully once that's done I'll start to really recover... because living like this isn't working for me.
 
Had a great first day at my internship yesterday (I jumped right in and felt very confident that I was performing efficiently and effectively) and am actually pretty excited to start class tonight. I actually am going to finish my readings before the class started. Its a lot easier to study and get shit done when you are clean. Have a mild headache, not sure why, but oh well. I think I am experiencing some PAWS today, but its amazing at how much easier it is getting to handle. Its no longer at the point where it fucks up my entire day. Just some mild discomfort and something I have to deal with.


Also, I want everyone to know that it gets better. I need to tell myself that often.

I do need to work on my sleep habits. I have been staying up to late.
 
Meh, 140 days for me off heroin and oxycodone.. but I have fucked up and took xanax an kpins for a week(last week).. and vyvanse one time two weeks ago prolly and meth one time 3 months ago >>
 
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Day 35, for me now... I went to a meeting, today, had just enough time to make it to school after so that was a good start to my day.
Being around sober people is nice :)

and good luck on staying clean lilczey! You can do it, there is loads of support here!! <3

~Verri
 
Day 2...

And i have work today I tossed and turned all night.. It sucked horribly.. I barely slept and my back is on fire..
 
lilczey said:
Day 2...

And i have work today I tossed and turned all night.. It sucked horribly.. I barely slept and my back is on fire..
Click to expand...

It gets better <3 youve got this.

Day 36

On my way to school then gonna try to make it for the noon meeting.

and GOOD MORNIN' NSA!! :D
 
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