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April Getting/Staying Sober and/or Clean vs Not Fooling Around.

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Well good luck on your adventures :)

Ugh man, I started getting badly sore last night and luckily my roomie had a couple diazepam that helped relax my muscles, but today I woke up so sweaty and cold with a sore tummy, this shit hasn't happened in a while... I guess I'm gonna have to go through it all over again now. Damn I mean I expected to get some wd's after this on/off relapse but not as bad as today.. bah when will the madness end?!?!
I sooo don't wanna go to work today ><
 
i made it thirty days last wednesday with the help of suboxone and NA. I'll admit i shot them most of the fist week until i got a dose increase but i really haven't since then. That's longer than i've made it in forever. Going to NA meetings and finding out they aren't some Jesus-y bullshit and actually pretty helpful has made a big difference for me. I think my higher power is just the combined wisdom of humanity, and i have no problem saying that is greater than me.

Getting back on meds for bipolar disorder has also helped a lot. It's been a stupid cycle for me, get stable on meds, deciding i dont need them and treating my mood with opiates and/or other drugs. It hasn't ever worked out well for me.

I've had some challenges, getting served papers and being sued to garnish my wages, guilt, sick family members, people constantly calling offering my DOC but i've made it by just going to meetings. Thankfully the local group is cool about subs because they've been a great help and i wouldn't be where i'm at without subs and NA.

So far i dont have a sponsor and i'm not really working any steps, but i'm like one of the few that go to every meeting not in treatment and not court ordered so i think they respect that. They also know I'm clearly an addict with the "you cant make me do shit" attitude and so no one is pushing me into anything. I think i'm about ready to pick a sponsor and a home group, but it's always has to be my idea and on my timeframe or i wont do it. You can call it a character flaw if you want, but i seriously doubt i'm the only addict who's like this :)

Anyways just felt like sharing, because shit's actually looking positive for the first time in a long time.
 
Congrats captain that's huge keep it up man a lot of people around here really look up to you including myself
 
Congrats man! Hearing shit like that gives me hope that eventually I can get off the subs and stay clean. I know it's too early for me to think about getting off the subs, I'd just fail. They really help tremendously with the craving and I couldn't say no to a rig full of dilaudid without them. I'm no good with dates and numbers so I actually set reminders for my 60 and 90 days, something to look forward to.

I actually quit smoking and drinking to be more faithful to the NA program. I do get scripted valium though which helps and I actually take it therapeutically instead of abusing it. I've been addicted to benzos before and don't want to go through that again.
 
I got 3 months next week I still smoke bud not all day but a few times a week and only at night
I also drink once or twice a month but as long as I keep to just drinking and blazing socially I'm cool with that
It does not interfere with my life so why not
If I really felt that it might lead me to Benzo or opiates I would stop but I don't feel that
I'm also working two new jobs so I'm looking forward to getting into those and learning the businesses so I can go on my own
All together all is well right now I can't really complain
 
For me I know drinking is a trigger, I binge drink which inevitably leads to wanting opiates. Plus being on psych meds I really can't even handle alcohol.. It just puts me into instant black out mode. No good.
 
Day 2...I was clean for about 9 days...got paid...relapsed HARD for two weeks. Now im on day 2, came clean with friends and family this morning, just glad I had some xanax to help and I needed it from the shit I got from my family.

My only trigger is video games and stress, work is also amazing on them, but I liked myself when I was sober so Im hoping to get back there, especially since I think i ruined my relationship with my sister.
 
i've been out of the loop, trying to keep my head down, moving forward; with some success. had almost a month clean then relapsed. i'm on day nine clean again (off heroin; still smoking weed). tonight the cravings are coming back after several days feeling kinda on top of things. bummer.

the main issue i'm trying to sort out right now is how i feel about and want to commit to NA. i've been going to meetings daily for just about three weeks. i'm hoping to do 30/30, maybe more. part of me is really liking NA. by and large the people seem genuinely caring and decent. and i can sense that it's having a good effect on my ability to deal with kicking H. i'm pretty much an atheist, but even the 12-step God stuff rolls off my back: as a junkie I squared much more fucked ideas than that. ... no, the issue i'm having with NA is the combo of the "addiction is a disease"/"complete abstinence from drugs," which I see as being 2 sides of the same coin. And it's really hard for me to swallow those.

All in all, I think NA is good for my recovery, so I plan to keep going, at least for now. But I also feel like I haven't really dived into it fully so long as I'm smoking weed. And without full commitment to the steps, it gets hard to see the point of NA.

I know I asked something similar to this a while ago. But still, anyone's thoughts on anything in this space would be a big help.
-Sim
 
simco said:
i've been out of the loop, trying to keep my head down, moving forward; with some success. had almost a month clean then relapsed. i'm on day nine clean again (off heroin; still smoking weed). tonight the cravings are coming back after several days feeling kinda on top of things. bummer.

the main issue i'm trying to sort out right now is how i feel about and want to commit to NA. i've been going to meetings daily for just about three weeks. i'm hoping to do 30/30, maybe more. part of me is really liking NA. by and large the people seem genuinely caring and decent. and i can sense that it's having a good effect on my ability to deal with kicking H. i'm pretty much an atheist, but even the 12-step God stuff rolls off my back: as a junkie I squared much more fucked ideas than that. ... no, the issue i'm having with NA is the combo of the "addiction is a disease"/"complete abstinence from drugs," which I see as being 2 sides of the same coin. And it's really hard for me to swallow those.

All in all, I think NA is good for my recovery, so I plan to keep going, at least for now. But I also feel like I haven't really dived into it fully so long as I'm smoking weed. And without full commitment to the steps, it gets hard to see the point of NA.

I know I asked something similar to this a while ago. But still, anyone's thoughts on anything in this space would be a big help.
-Sim
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Meds are private business in recovery, no need to feel out of place. :) I know what you mean though as weed can get you kind of strung out if smoking too much.
 
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The NA groups i attend pretty much say if it's prescribed, you use it as prescribed and aren't abusing it then it's ok. Even the guy who leads the Tuesday night groups said with weed medicalized in so many states it's getting to be questionable especially for those coming to meetings for things like methamphetamine or heroin addiction.

Nonetheless some people are specifically attending meetings for their psychological addiction to smoking weed, so for them it must pose a problem in their lives and wouldn't be ok. I personally don't think it's bad to smoke weed but it's not a problem for me to stop if NA wants me to, at least at this point. I'm willing to give the program 100% for now because i've tried my own way a million times and always failed.

I always question why coffee doesn't count as a "mood/mind altering substance" .. because a 6 or 8 shot espresso drink sure alters my mood/state of mind by giving me a burst of energy perking me right the fuck up. They serve coffee at the meetings for Christ's sake.

I also take mood stabilizers, antidepressants and a benzo again, which obviously alter my mood, but without them i end up manic and/or depressed/suicidal and/or strung out on street drugs trying to self medicate. So i don't think it's always so cut and dry especially if you're dealing with mental health and addiction issues. I ended up a little off topic but that's my take on NA and weed and/or "all mind altering substances"
 
Good question about caffeine - It does increase glutamate activity and inhibits release of Gaba. Although it's really not one of those drugs one will danger themselves for. I drink it still even though I'm off everything else. I don't crave it though like euphoric drugs. I guess it has some euphoria and works a little in the reward pathways, but folks don't usually need treatment for caffeine.

Sugar and caffeine are the last to go for me so it's something to think about… for me anyways. It's certainly not healthy but a lot safer than cocaine, meth or crack.

The truth is folks have more energy off caffeine when they do on it… Natural energy. Caffeine can inhibit that.
 
I haven't posted for a couple of days: I am sick, I have a very bad sore throat, cold, body aches. I am hopeful it is not strep, and have been using my oxy as prescribed - my taper plan is on hold until my sore throat/illness clears up.
 
Picked an NA sponsor today. I've been going to meeting 5 times a week, the most they have them here about a month now and have my group of friend, the people i talk to and hang out with. Someone advised me against having a friend for a sponsor and it made sense to me. I need honest feedback from someone who is not going to be worried about hurting my feelings with brutal honesty when it's called for.

I picked a guy that i do not have a lot in common with but i liked a lot of the things i have heard him say. He's said things about how early in his recovery his sponsor made him do thing he was uncomfortable with and step outside his comfort zone, do thing with people that he wouldnt associate with in normal life and how later in recovery how he saw the benefit from those earlier experiences even though he hated them at first. I think i need experiences like that as i tend to isolate myself when i'm not using.

He has also made it pretty clear his higher power is religious based and i've made it clear mine isnt. I was totally honest with him about my situation, that i'm on suboxone, bipolar with some anxiety issues, take mood stabilizers, antidepressants and valium. I had to explain to him that valium was a sedative i had taken one right before the meeting and asked him if i looked high or sedated and he said "No i would have thought you were a ritalin kid." So i gave him a quick 1 minute briefing on mania and bipolar in general. I told him i was gay, as it's not always apparent to people, i had never been to treatment and was not at NA for court or anything but just because i needed to change my life. I asked if anything i had told him was going to be an issue and asked him if he would be willing to sponsor me.

The guy asked he asked me if i was the type who considered myself clean because i wasnt doing my DOC, but went home and had a beer or smoked a bowl. I let him know that after i went to only one meeting and hadn't really been paying attention, i had done that but the next week i admitted it in a meeting and had not since. That i had tried things my way a million times and always failed and i was willing to try the program 100% at this point.

He said he was all good with being my sponsor but he had one requirement. That i call him once a day for a month which he would explain more about after the month was up. If i miss a call the deal was off. I said that was fine if he wanted to test my dedication, and he seemed mildly irritated i'd figured it out already but oh well. At one point he called me an intellectual and referred to himself as a "meat and potatoes type guy" which i found kind of comical, but i think i made a pretty decent choice overall.

I just felt like sharing where i'm at in my recovery in a long rambling post because i think i'm finally ready to be done with this shit. I've never thought i've had long term problem beyond my current addiction... like i need to stop doing so many psychedelics.. i need to stop doing so much coke.. I need to get off xanax...i need stop doing so much crystal.. i need to stop doing so many opiates (over and over) ... now i realize i need to learn how to live sober.. function sober.. build relationships sober.. deal with stress sober.. if you made it this far.. thanks lol..
 
^^
congrats, olypen! that's a huge step, choosing a sponsor. i still haven't done that yet, and really need to. i'll try to follow your example.
 
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