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Any long time opiate users ?

I def think when i use Dope i always told myself it was like self medicating since i had been to so many shrinks and been on so many anti depressants and besides benzos , opitaes were only thing that made me feel what i think is "normal" (but it isnt really because being numb to the pain of life isnt normal , normal i guess is feeling bad along with the good) I have lots of issues i did try adressing with a shrink but i dont know why i didnt seem to get anywhere with it , probably because i was hiding my using from him .........I have a lot of "trauma" from childhood as far as an alcoholic mother and her abusing my father , etc...........And feeel like ive always had an anxiety /depression problem............It sucks that im 29 already and I spent last 10 years or so after high school getting in troble , being in prison , or getting high (except for a year or so clean ) Its like i dont know how to live sober
 
I def think when i use Dope i always told myself it was like self medicating since i had been to so many shrinks and been on so many anti depressants and besides benzos , opitaes were only thing that made me feel what i think is "normal" (but it isnt really because being numb to the pain of life isnt normal , normal i guess is feeling bad along with the good) I have lots of issues i did try adressing with a shrink but i dont know why i didnt seem to get anywhere with it , probably because i was hiding my using from him .........I have a lot of "trauma" from childhood as far as an alcoholic mother and her abusing my father , etc...........And feeel like ive always had an anxiety /depression problem............It sucks that im 29 already and I spent last 10 years or so after high school getting in troble , being in prison , or getting high (except for a year or so clean ) Its like i dont know how to live sober
 
SececaRD said:
I know people are gonna get mad at me for saying this but this is my opinion. I dont beleive that there really is a reason why we use, I think we use cause we just enjoy getting high and weve made the choice to try the devils food, and now its hard to beat.

Everyone has a messed up l;ife, and everyone has problems, but they dont all turn to dope. I beleive if your gonna go out and try and find "Why your using" like theres one thing that happened in life and now your using cause of it, your never gonna get better. Your gonna find youself in dozons of rehabs, and no one gonna give you the answer. Lets just face the facts, Getting high feels good!!!

Like I said this is my opinion, I use cause its fun, Not cause my dad beat the shit out of me when I was a kid!! thats what I used to say =]
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You are right getting high fucking kicks ass. And there is no reason for anyone to get mad at you. I do believe that you can be a perfectly mentally stable person (all though I have yet to meet one) and be an addict. Not to sound cheesy, but everyone is as different as a snowflake.

I don't blame my addiction on my childhood, my illness, my lazy doctor, or myself. I blame my addiction on myself, and the way I am wired. For example, they say once you take a hit of crack you can't stop. Well I can take one hit of crack and thats all I need. I don't drink alcohol. But, you give me an opiate and everything else doesn't matter but getting that high.
 
yup i dont care about weed or coke or acid or ecstasy or even benzos(which i do like a lot) nearly as much as opiates when i am using
 
jake99 said:
just wondering do any of you maintain a long term opiate addiction and manage to still have a happy life ?
i know for me when i was using it wasnt possible because everything centered around getting more dope , i didnt care about much except how i could get more money for more dope..................
i guess its every addicts dream to be able to use and not have consequences.......only way i can possible think of this is some rich dude who had extremly safe connects and still had a good family , job , etc. But it seems to me for every user eventually it is going to catch up to you whether it is going broke , getting locked up , or ruining jobs and relationships............
any opinions ?
it just sucks because every time im clean i just get depressed and wanna use. its like i permenantly damaged my brain and only opiates make me feel normal .
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I've had this problem so fucking badly jake. I feel like after 8 years of use I don't know how the fuck to function. My brain craves the bullshit chaos , I inevitably seem to manage to go for a period... then I crash and burn. I'm glad you voiced this question. All i can suggest is start a new life, as different from what you were doing as possible. That's the only hope I have, I know this for a tried fact. Good luck bro.
 
Incredible thread. Best I've ever read. Yes, it's true that a deep problem is the source of most opiate abuse, but what is to be said about a person who has lived an idyllic life full of love, support and opportunity and still got a taste for opiates and never stopped. My family has no money, but makes up for it with laughter and intellect. I have three opiate abusers in my family tree which makes me think I was predisposed to using because of marked genes. I am a buzz hound. I took a demerol at nineteen and never looked back. I've had splendid love affairs and long term relationships in between using and during. I have no excuse. I'm a decadent fuck who needs to live at a higher level than everyone else simply because I can.

Granted, my fortunate upbringing has something to do with the fact that I've never let myself get over five bags a day, never shot up, and never let myself go homeless. But my habit is insidious in it's length. Sometimes I wish I had been forced to go to rehab or had done something shameful enough to cause withering guilt. Like I said before, I have kicked hundreds of times because a self preservation mechanism always takes hold before things spiral out of control, but what is worse, to use everyday for five years and then go through a soul shaking withdrawal or use for twenty years being constantly sick?

I honestly wish there was a reason behind my drug fueled life so I could zero in and address the problem, but there is no problem except for the drugs themselves. Now that I'm clean, things are great because personal relationships are improving, I have much more needed cash, no more sickness and I might even get laid again, but there is no source of psychological pain which made me use in the first place.
 
Incredible thread. Best I've ever read. Yes, it's true that a deep problem is the source of most opiate abuse, but what is to be said about a person who has lived an idyllic life full of love, support and opportunity and still got a taste for opiates and never stopped. My family has no money, but makes up for it with laughter and intellect. I have three opiate abusers in my family tree which makes me think I was predisposed to using because of marked genes. I am a buzz hound. I took a demerol at nineteen and never looked back. I've had splendid love affairs and long term relationships in between using and during. I have no excuse. I'm a decadent fuck who needs to live at a higher level than everyone else simply because I can.

Granted, my fortunate upbringing has something to do with the fact that I've never let myself get over five bags a day, never shot up, and never let myself go homeless. But my habit is insidious in it's length. Sometimes I wish I had been forced to go to rehab or had done something shameful enough to cause withering guilt. Like I said before, I have kicked hundreds of times because a self preservation mechanism always takes hold before things spiral out of control, but what is worse, to use everyday for five years and then go through a soul shaking withdrawal or use for twenty years being constantly sick?

I honestly wish there was a reason behind my drug fueled life so I could zero in and address the problem, but there is no problem except for the drugs themselves. Now that I'm clean, things are great because personal relationships are improving, I have much more needed cash, no more sickness and I might even get laid again, but there is no source of psychological pain which made me use in the first place.
 
Choromactunityer: so you are saying you managed to use H for years and never got locked up , or had bad stuff happen ?
 
Bojangles69 said:
Haha you're asking pretty deep questions there buddy.

See these are the types of things we ge to think about once we're clean, fun aint it? I thought this same thought a lot when I was newly clean in sept, (temporarily I should add).

I NEVER NOT ONE SINGLE TIME was able to convince myself I could actually be happy on opiates in anyway. You know why? Imagine this.

Instead of opiates you have a tuner on the side of your head quite like a radio. On one side of the turner it says "happy", on the other side it says "sad". God tells you, in order to actually experience full happiness in life, that tuner must be on sad as much as its on happy. Because if you get impulsive, and tweak the tuner everyday to happy, you have nothing to compare happy to anymore, and eventually happy just goes flat. It becomes neutral, there is no reference anymore for either happy or sad, or most importantly whats "normal".

I've tried thinking about it that way, and thinking about the fact that happiness is always something you earn to some degree in life. If you keep taking it, through manipulating brain chemicals, you WILL NEVER want to earn it. And every time you experience happiness on drugs, you will always have buyers remorse to some degree because you didn't earn it. Whether that comes in the shape of wds, or just the simple fact that you realize one day even when you tweak your happy chemicals endlessly - that doesn't mean you will be happy. You will feel the emotion of happiness more like a veil or mask, it is hollow and has no substane to it. No foundation, no meaning or reason, the happiness was put there cause you swallowed a pill. Its never real imo and even if you were happy before opiates, I have a feeling that everyone eventually goes "flat" on them.

I have a friend who seems to have is shit together on a 200mg oxy habit of all things. But I notice when this guy gets drunk a lot of nasty emotions come out, and I mean A LOT of nasty emotions. Aggressiveness, fighting, yelling, acting like an idiot drunk. But when he's on opiates he's able to convince himself he's experiencing the real version of happiness, I guess till he gets drunk that is.

Bro if you're depressed and want to use, and think you are a risk to yourself, I can't tell you not to use opiates. But what I can tell you is try using something that is not so damn fucking devastating to life in general. Weed, kratom (although I hate to recommend this because I have a feeling it will lead right back to regular opiate use like it did for me) fuck I don't know just find some drugs that you do not want to compulsively swallow everyday like an animal, and use those. But really man answer this, although you might have been able to smile on opiates, at any specific point, at any time, did you actually consider yourself happy?

When I ask myself that the answer is always no. I'm able to see a glimpse of happiness, maybe I get lost in conversation with my brother over the phone and forget I'm a drug addict for a minute, but I am never happy on this shit. It flattens you out imo. If you want happiness you always need to earn it to some degree. Others say happiness is a state of mind, you can just create it anytime you want, and I do believe that too, but I don't think you can just do it on opiates. I likely have no idea what I'm talking about though, just speaking from my mind really.

But find something else to use as a clutch, something that doesn't handcuff you to it after a few worthless rendevous with it. I can think of other ideas too, but I might have to call you for that.
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You lost me when you said in order to experience full happiness, the happy side and the sad side have to be equal.
 
Hey Jake 99. God yes bad things happened. I got arrested three times in sting operations. I have the absolute worst luck scoring on the street no matter how careful. Maybe it's an angel in disguise looking after me. I lost many jobs because of missed days and my employers getting tired of me having the flu all the time. My career as a painter(art) has gone nowhere even though many tough critics have told me that I stood a good chance. Lost the love of my life when she caught me with pinned pupils. Dumbest thing I ever did was tell her what to look for.

So I have racked up many little bad experiences instead of a few horrible ones. No wrecked cars, no hep-c, no homelessness. But like I said before, maybe a truly nasty experience would have made me quit long ago. I 'm enjoying being clean now simply because I grew tired of the drug grind. And now that I'm older and not quite so good looking as before, if I'm ever going to get a girlfriend again, I have to be clean. Peace to you.
 
Hey Tomasolab. What an honest statement and although you might not have meant it to be funny, it was.

Was your life really that good before you tried to clean up? What did you do when the dealer ran out of supply? What about trying to date someone who does not use? How about rent and holding down a job. I have no idea what your situation is, I'm just curious how good it could have been. Good for you on trying to quit though. I'm loving being clean, but it comes after twenty years of hard road. Peace.
 
emj100 said:
You lost me when you said in order to experience full happiness, the happy side and the sad side have to be equal.
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Why?

It was meant figuratively in terms of life balance not literally like theres actual research to back it up (although I wouldn't be surprised if there was). Any person who aims to be 100% happy in life is setting themselves up for a trap.

And if you were that happy, you'd forget what sad was. We need sad to know when we feel happy. You will find people in life who appear happy all the time are usually covering up some serious issues. Ie they are so afraid to entertain their negative emotions at the fear they will swallow them whole. My aunt is one of those people. Insanely happy and energetic all the time. But she has some SERIOUS problems. After her first husband left her for 40 years she never talked to or entertained the idea of being intimate with another man again. She is soo afraid of negative emotions she fails to take any sort of risks that can cause them. Therefore her happiness is nurtured by the bubble she lives in, its not real tangible happiness imo.

Too many people aim for the utopian fantasy of always being happy. I say fuck that. Learn how to accept being sad. And learn when too much is too much. If you're depressed for a week no big deal, accept it. If you're depressed for 1 year, thats a big deal and you need to fight it. Its all about maintaining that balance imo. That was my only point.
 
Not everyone uses dope b/c not everyone has an addictive personality lol.

I know that I used because I wanted to escape the way I felt. You may have done it just cause you liked the high but for a whole lot of people there was damn sure a reason why we used.
 
To guy who said his life was better using , in what ways ? did u have a every day habit ?
 
Why would someone want to get clean if life was good using. It's the fucked up thing, I can still tend to remember the good times, but forget about the pure misery and hoplessness and desperation. It's the way addiction tries to trick you into using again, in my opinion.
 
Bojangles69 said:
Why?

It was meant figuratively in terms of life balance not literally like theres actual research to back it up (although I wouldn't be surprised if there was). Any person who aims to be 100% happy in life is setting themselves up for a trap.

And if you were that happy, you'd forget what sad was. We need sad to know when we feel happy. You will find people in life who appear happy all the time are usually covering up some serious issues. Ie they are so afraid to entertain their negative emotions at the fear they will swallow them whole. My aunt is one of those people. Insanely happy and energetic all the time. But she has some SERIOUS problems. After her first husband left her for 40 years she never talked to or entertained the idea of being intimate with another man again. She is soo afraid of negative emotions she fails to take any sort of risks that can cause them. Therefore her happiness is nurtured by the bubble she lives in, its not real tangible happiness imo.

Too many people aim for the utopian fantasy of always being happy. I say fuck that. Learn how to accept being sad. And learn when too much is too much. If you're depressed for a week no big deal, accept it. If you're depressed for 1 year, thats a big deal and you need to fight it. Its all about maintaining that balance imo. That was my only point.
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I understand what you are saying there, but that idea of duality; that being, any transient feeling can only be defined by its opposite, is somewhat...hmm, short sighted.

Of course, we understand much of life via comparison, but the opposite of happiness isn't really sadness. If I cry, thats not the opposite of laughter; its a physical emotional response on the same continuum of the emotional spectrum.

In truth; I don't think euphoria is happiness, any more then I think depression is sadness. When I think of being "happy" I understand that to mean calm, yielding, steady- more akin to something called "samadhi" or "satori" or bliss.

As opiate users, we probably tend to create stark opposites, given that our day is composed of that, by and large. The hit, the high, the burning off of the buzz, the endpoint, and back again...Theres very little grey in between being high and being sober.

That said, its been quite a while since I ingested either heroin or morphine (the latter being my favored opiate) as I take suboxone daily. I still get cravings that are quite intense, but life has evened out.

I think opiate addiciton is a disease of the spirit; it and all the symptoms of it can be conquered by allowing oneself to simply exist- even pain can be accepted. Have you ever been in the grip of withdrawal and actually really tried to quantify what you feel?

That said, I've had some strange withdrawal experiences, one being: I had used morphine maybe 3-4 times a day for four months and, when going c/t, entered pretty bad withdrawal. After that, I caved in and used again for a few months; on a whim, I decided to quit, and meditated deeply for several hours following the decision. I experienced no withdrawal at all- a mild headache, a bit of restlessness, but really nothing to concern myself with. The only difference is that I accepted what I was doing, and etched that acceptance into my deepest self.

Of course, I ended up strung out again within about 2 months...;)

Helluva life, this one...
 
tomasolab said:
ive been trying to get clean for 3 years and when i think about it my life wasnt so bad at all till i tried to quit
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Our mind plays that trick on us. You will only remember the highs and never the lows. It wants to lure us into staying hooked forever. Unless you had an unlimited supply of drugs and cash your life had plenty of bad spots.


All of us have fallen into this trap before. Quitting is hard and painful, but your life will be much better for it if you can keep yourself pointed in the right direction.
 
ive been using for about a decade at this point....spent the last year on methadone, for 2 years before that it was subs and before that it was heroin and pills and all that stuff...

The sub main was great because i could function and i got a sense of normalcy back, then it just started to mess with my stomach so bad i started using dope again and then got on methadone. The methadone has totally helped me just like the subs but it works better for my needs.
 
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