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Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

^ Great post M.!

Sobriety has affected my life in so many ways I don't even recognize myself. If I wasn't old enough I would say now that I'm still in search of my identity. I guess this is a result of having spent so much time, easily more than half of my life having to function under the influence of opiates, having my feelings and emotions always protected, and at the same time enjoying a false sense of quality life. It took almost 10 years (or more) for me to realize this wasn't the way.
 
Imo life does get immediately better with sobriety in regards to some things. Stress, most of all. Illegal drug use comes with loads of stress. If you're selling (and if theres one thing ive learned about drugs, its that if youre really into them its only a matter of time before you sell yourself, even if its only very small time to support your own habit) it's catering to the needs of your customer base (composed mostly of unreliable degenerate drug addicts. If you're buying drugs, you experience stress related to keeping good supply lines for your habit and affording your habit. All this while constantly being aware of the threat of the authorities becoming aware of your activities. All of which suddenly cease to be issues when you stop.

The serious existential questions (i.e. what makes me happy, how am I gonna deal with all this horrible shit in my life, what is my purpose, etc)...pretty much goes without saying that those things persist well after you've achieved sobriety.
 
toothpastedog said:
Fuck I had the craziest dreams last night. Never had a problem with using dreams so much, and it wasn't exactly a using dream (in the dream I declined drugs), but it had that spooky fucked up feeling, that in combination with the shite quality of sleep I'm currently getting, made me wake up still under the impression a car I haven't used in over a year was laying in pieces halfway across Los Angeles in some Mexican shopping center. Fucking weird, and sadly not vivid weird like other scary dreams can be (I actually tend to enjoy those), more super surreal scary. Iono, I'm rambling.
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most of my dreams are using dreams

and they also involve awful nightmarish shit
 
I read that we play each and every different characters in our dreams, the quicker we realize this while we're still dreaming, it changes everything. Sometimes we have dreams from which we feel we can't wake up. I remember trying to make a sound to that I'd stopped dreaming. I think we are much more propense to these deeper dreams when we are using.
 
My dreams as an addict were sometimes the only aspect of life that was fulfilling...I had friends, a normal life, I socialized, and was active. It was always fluid in my dreams and so impossible to achieve in real life during active addiction. Strangely in active addiction I was seldom an addict in my dreams. Now that I am sober every once in a blue moon I catch myself holding a drink in my dreams...I have yet to take a sip. I rarely socialize in my dreams now, but they remain as vibrant and interactive as they did when I was in active addiction. Strangely, I am haunted now in my dreams a some mysterious figures lurking around my yard always with ill intent...I guess that must represent my addiction lol. Who knows - I do gain experience and motivation from them. At least now in sobriety I am able to seperate them from real life lol.
 
Squizz1985 said:
Aww man. Sorry to hear that. Twice I had to live in homeless shelters. It sucks. But I'll tell you this much: Drinking most likely isn't going to help your situation.
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Yes it does. It makes me feel better right now.

The Stupids should thank whatever god they worship that I'm not a man of violence. I'm banging my head up against the Great Wall of Stupid. Now, they even have a GOP candidate of their own.

Just posted yet another pointless resume. For a job on disgusting Long Island. Lets see...am I "overqualified", "underqualified" or (no one says this) 'too old.'

Fuck it. Gotta go pick up some cans and bottles so I can get me a half pint.
 
fasteddie said:
Just posted yet another pointless resume. For a job on disgusting Long Island.
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You know, for someone who's been living at a homeless shelter for the last 16 months, you seem awfully fussy over the type of work being applied for.

Negative breeds negative. If you don't change your attitude, I have a feeling you're going to be in this rutt for the rest of your life. I hope I'm wrong.
 
Fasteddie - if you hate Long Island so much why don't you leave the city? Leaving may put you in a better headspace. It sounds like you don't have much keeping you there, and a change of scenery may give you a different perspective so you have a chance at some peace. If you had any interest in stopping drinking you could probably get into a free halfway house where they also help you get employment, and you have a roof over your head.
 
lawn-guy-land!

I have a fair amount of experience on Long Island. My extended family is from that area of the country, Nassau and Suffolk County...pretty much just satellites of NYC. Affluent area of the country, parts of it anyway...I always feel so strange and alien walking around in East Hampton, being "poor", relative to many other people there, yet surrounded by yuppies and the affluent. I've had some good times there, though. Usually spend mid December - mid January there, over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I also attended the state university of New York there for several years.
 
Moreaux said:
My dreams as an addict were sometimes the only aspect of life that was fulfilling...I had friends, a normal life, I socialized, and was active. It was always fluid in my dreams and so impossible to achieve in real life during active addiction. Strangely in active addiction I was seldom an addict in my dreams. Now that I am sober every once in a blue moon I catch myself holding a drink in my dreams...I have yet to take a sip. I rarely socialize in my dreams now, but they remain as vibrant and interactive as they did when I was in active addiction. Strangely, I am haunted now in my dreams a some mysterious figures lurking around my yard always with ill intent...I guess that must represent my addiction lol. Who knows - I do gain experience and motivation from them. At least now in sobriety I am able to seperate them from real life lol.
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Funny you mention dreams I use to take anti depressant medication and every single night 365 days a night I would have nightmares.... Wake up drenched in sweat....nightmare pills o call em, and kept me numb during the day
 
^ I had also bad experiences with antidepressants. When I got to my third doctor I realized that not all of them works for you. Some people do fine with Remeron (mirtazapine) for me it just added a couple of pounds to my body and helped me to sleep, not so much though. I had to try more than 5 different type of medications until they found the one that worked best for me but I'm not sure if I believe in them, because some sort of depressions just can't be resolved with medications. Or if if does some other meds will just block them from being as good as they were.
 
manboychef said:
Dodger: When you were a youth what did you like to do? I will post some pictures of things I have painted eventually.

PM me and I will send you some of my zinnia seeds for you to start a garden. I believe that in LA they will grow year round. Once you get some plants coming up and blooming it becomes an addiction...finding what works, designing a pattern that is beautiful....learning about plants, composting. It is a great hobby and it requires work...it isn't able to be picked up and put down whenever. This will also help create a routine.
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Thank you for the thought. I live in a huge apartment complex with no where to garden. I appreciate the thought.
 
Squizz1985 said:
You know, for someone who's been living at a homeless shelter for the last 16 months, you seem awfully fussy over the type of work being applied for.

Negative breeds negative. If you don't change your attitude, I have a feeling you're going to be in this rutt for the rest of your life. I hope I'm wrong.
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I'd take ANYTHING. My attitude is: I HATE THE STUPIDS!.I wish there was a selective disease that killed only them. I've been fighting them off for going on fifty years.

Moreaux said:
Fasteddie - if you hate Long Island so much why don't you leave the city? Leaving may put you in a better headspace. It sounds like you don't have much keeping you there, and a change of scenery may give you a different perspective so you have a chance at some peace. If you had any interest in stopping drinking you could probably get into a free halfway house where they also help you get employment, and you have a roof over your head.
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I have not found that "help" to be helpful. I just wish they would all go away. I will eventually find something. The waiting is tough.

Dung Island sucks. It killed my family. Someone ought to carpet bomb it.
 
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I have a question about the severity of alcohol withdrawal and how it relates to my mental strength. I am having a very difficult time coming off 12-15 5% drinks per day plus a couple grams of cannabis. When withdrawing I'm not particularly sensitive light but am extremely sensitive to sound, I want nothing more than silence. I shake a little but not violently. I don't have hallucinations though I constantly think about how nice it would be to die. I swear profusely, a lot in the day and intensely during the night. My last detox I had my sheets changed 3 times per day from sweat. I also experienced in inability to string sentences properly and got very confused and frustrated and agitated. The detox I did was fantastic, but the mental health ward I stayed in treated me like a junkie.nthey basically said if I'm not having a seizure then I'm not having withdrawals. What do you folk make of that? Am I pussy for wanting Valium so that I could sleep with out sweating like a bathtub and so I could eat and string sentences together? It really pissed me off that they would have me in appointments with nurses, social workers and psychiatrists whilst I couldn't think straight, then they got angry at me for not being easy!! Am I the dick here??
 
That kind of alcohol w/d is no joke!

You are perfectly normal! In fact, I'd go as far as to say you are much braver and stronger than most folks, who have no idea what suffering is compared to what you're going through. You really need to be taking some kind of gabaergic taper drugs for your alcohol detox, whether diazepam (valium) or chlordiazepoxide (librium), or even phenobarbital.

That is bullshit - you should never be made to have a seizure before someone gives you the proper meds. That is HIGHLY unethical, very old school. I cannot suggest enough that you seek a different care provider.
 
Yes, highly unethical. Alcohol withdrawal can kill. Professionals know or should no this. I think about all the withdrawals I went thru on my own. I really should be dead. Man did it hurt. When I did get get treated they always have me Librium. That shit saved my life several times. I'm sorry you had to go thru that. I'm truly grateful those days are over for me. I wish yu the best
 
thanks very much for the posting. I'm copying this here as I think I was in the wrong post. Bad day. I'm deep in the thick of it, day 1 of tapering off alcohol, from a bottle of Absolute (this nice big litre bottles). I've just registered on here now, because I'm in the hopeless, pathetic phase and feeling very sad and lonely. I'm 38, female, been a drinker for many years, and of a small frame, so you can imagine the damage I've done to myself. And in my 'baby making years' which is also heartbreaking. My lovely partner has ended it, too much damage done, as I've put him through hell for years now. I went to rehab here in England, at Christmas, but apparently that wasn't my bottom. But I absolutely believe tapering is best. I'm on day one, climbing the walls, really sick. Trying to drink water, but not holding it down. The horror stories I can tell you would shock you. I used to be so beautiful (well that's what I was told, lol) but now I feel and look 1000 years old. Anyway, I somehow managed to make my way to a Drug and Alcohol clinic this am, after downing 1 1/2 absolutes yesterday, and the GM of the hotel we're at, had to call the (ex)partner at work, to say I was found passed out on the wrong floor, after trying to get into a room I thought was mine!? Shocking. Sorry for the long message! I just wanted to ask, could you recommend a taper schedule for me? Today the clinic (I'm lucky, all healthcare/hospitals are free here) but the doctor has given me a sort of outpatient thing for me, and she insisted that I taper, they all did. Today, I'm just hurting, and I'm taking shots of vodka, to keep the shakes at bay. But from tomorrow, I'd like to make a more scheduled taper. Any recommendations? I prefer not switch to beer, as was suggested, but have a proper vodka taper. There's this thing here called SMART Uk recovery, if you wanted to google, but they're all about tapering. These British doctors are way too strict about giving out the good meds, lol! Anyway, thanks again. I promise I'm not usually this long winded! Dire straights I guess. I hope to hear back, from anyone, soon.
 
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