Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

[Erikmen]

I believe that music is everything when you play an instrument. You can really make a really nice hobby out of playing guitar, especially if you already play some. I agree with you, let's talk more about it. I think we talk a lot about recovery but sometimes forget to mention how important it is to be able to do something you like.

I'd love to go back to my travel routine and all the planning involved in each choice you make. All the people you meet, pictures you take. It's stuck in your memories for ever and when it's over you just start planning again. I remember having gone travelling 6 x in less than 2 years. When you get to know the drill it's never expensive and there's always a lot of great beautiful surprises to see and there's nothing greater to me than getting to know new cultures, different languages, etc.

Besides it's time off work so you get to be more productive as well. And that applies to all hobbies and distractions. I've read that people who have fun rest much more not to mention the greater quality life comparing to those who prefer to rest and stay at home. Indeed an excellent tool for recovery.

 

[manboychef]

Doing something you love regularly is the cornerstone of a healthy recovery. I garden and I paint. Those activities are my meditation. I have found that when I feel sad, scared, angry, or weak I just go out in my garden for a while. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me holding on. It is replacing what my previous coping mechanism, using, with something that is healthier.

I understand what you mean about the fear closeau. I too sometimes have that fear. For me it is more remembering just how bad it got and how much work I had to do to get here....the fact that I have seen so many with significant clean time go back makes it all too real. I try to force that thought out of my brain quickly. I try to not focus on the future too much. It causes me intense anxiety.

 

[Dodger Guy LA]

Alcohol. I was never a huge drinker until my 30's. I was a social drinker, and more of an herbal guy. It was in my 30's where I started to drink more and more. The blackouts were happening, I was pissing off my partner to the point where the days I drank were marked on the calendar . I was going to bed drunk and waking up and cracking a beer. I would tell myself I wouldn't drink on a certain day and I would end up drinking. Quality of life was not fun. I had/have a full time and was functioning which I don't know how!
long story short, I quit almost ten months ago because I had a Booz related incident where I was hauled off to the E.R. In an abulence. I don't remember a thing. When I was discharged early that morning something inside me new I had to make a choice for myself first and the people around me or else who knew what the outcome of the "next" accident could be .
i don't really have hobbies and so forth. Keeping busy can be hard because I have a short attention span but I have been able to sustain from Booz , my worst friend.
Quality of life is so much better, and I have room for much more learning.
i am not an AA/NA buff but I do believe one day at a time.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The 12 Step programs don't have a monopoly or licenses on their cliches, rish in wisdom though many of them are, and I agree whole heartedly. I can't do any better than taking things one day at the time. As I approach 30 I'm thinking a lot about what I'll be doing in ten years. Kinda fun. All I'm worried about now is the fall though. Gonna be a busy year.

Hobbies, passions, art, sports, the outdoors, community, all so wonderful. The most to me have been community, finding supportive communities that I feel safe with have health me to know end. Everything else has kind been shit I've picked up from here and there. That's the beauty of this whole thing, there are opportunities everywhere to grow.

Things got a lot easier though when I kinda forgot or stopped trying to do shit right, how other people told me to do or not do things. I just follow my noise to make sense. The intuition is a very under valued tool here I feel. Saved my fucking life.

Follow your bliss.

 

[manboychef]

Dodger: When you were a youth what did you like to do? I will post some pictures of things I have painted eventually.

PM me and I will send you some of my zinnia seeds for you to start a garden. I believe that in LA they will grow year round. Once you get some plants coming up and blooming it becomes an addiction...finding what works, designing a pattern that is beautiful....learning about plants, composting. It is a great hobby and it requires work...it isn't able to be picked up and put down whenever. This will also help create a routine.

I am thinking about posting on my Homeowner's Association Website about starting a gardening club. It would be a great way to get out of the house and start small...like stay in the neighborhood.

On Topic: Anyone else sometimes taste alcohol in the back of their throat and immediately just crave the taste? I had another of those moments the other day. I was smoking a cigarette and it crept up on me...I tasted it, and I just thought to myself "Man I haven't had a good IPA in a while." For me, I know if I have one it may not be that day or the next, but I will build right back up to drinking to blackout everyday.

 

[fasteddie]

Fasteddie -

What made you start drinking again if you don't mind me asking? 16 years is a long time which makes your situation very unique imo. I'm really curious and am not judging. It's a personal decision with no right or wrong answer.

I struggled for seven years to quit. The most time I could even rack up was a year tops. This last time was different and I finally have over two years. In that time I haven't had so much as a craving for booze though I wonder if they may return someday...

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Oh, I got locked up because I called some Dung Island...oh, sorry, Long Island undercover cop a "faggot who did'nt have the balls to bust real criminals." This is after he ran a red light and almost ran over my foot. Interestingly, I spent more time in involuntary confinement (33 days) than the Scum Island drunk driver who killed my 16 year old sister. That guy got off with a suspended sentence.

After this, I said to myself: fuck it. What's the use anyway.

Long Island, New York = anus of the galaxy. They never actually tested one of those MIRV's gadgets with the 12 independently targeted H bombs? Nassau County, NY is the perfect place. No intelligent life there.

 

[Moreaux]

PM me and I will send you some of my zinnia seeds for you to start a garden. I believe that in LA they will grow year round. Once you get some plants coming up and blooming it becomes an addiction...finding what works, designing a pattern that is beautiful....learning about plants, composting. It is a great hobby and it requires work...it isn't able to be picked up and put down whenever. This will also help create a routine.

I am thinking about posting on my Homeowner's Association Website about starting a gardening club. It would be a great way to get out of the house and start small...like stay in the neighborhood.

On Topic: Anyone else sometimes taste alcohol in the back of their throat and immediately just crave the taste? I had another of those moments the other day. I was smoking a cigarette and it crept up on me...I tasted it, and I just thought to myself "Man I haven't had a good IPA in a while." For me, I know if I have one it may not be that day or the next, but I will build right back up to drinking to blackout everyday.

OMG - I want in on the Zinnia action lol. They grow most of the year here and are considered perennial. I have a few in the front but would like to grow more. Zinnias from Bluelight would be much more significant than zinnias from Home Depot lol. I can send some echineachia seeds that I just harvested. They're perennial and they produce magnificent flowers, though they are 4ft tall. I use them to make teas and lotions as well. The only other seeds I have right now are marigolds, which are great for insect repellents, but they're kind of common. I line the porch and deck with them because the mosquito situation by the water in eastern NC is terrible and I refuse to use chems for big control.

Regarding the alcohol taste - I get that taste every once in a while from lighting a cigarette. It's pretty unnerving. Fortunately I thank activated cravings but sometimes it initiates a using dream later that night :/

 

[Jabberwocky]

Fuck I had the craziest dreams last night. Never had a problem with using dreams so much, and it wasn't exactly a using dream (in the dream I declined drugs), but it had that spooky fucked up feeling, that in combination with the shite quality of sleep I'm currently getting, made me wake up still under the impression a car I haven't used in over a year was laying in pieces halfway across Los Angeles in some Mexican shopping center. Fucking weird, and sadly not vivid weird like other scary dreams can be (I actually tend to enjoy those), more super surreal scary. Iono, I'm rambling.

 

[fasteddie]

That's fantastic and scary at the same time. I know a lot of people who is sober for a long time but haven't really talked to anyone that managed it for 16 years. I believe that perhaps there's an age factor that prevents certain type of people to go back to drugs or hard core meds. At some point the body can't take it anymore. (?)

How old were you when you relapsed? Why don't you want to stop again?
Don't mean to be intrusive just interested.

I don't want to stop again because I like being drunk. Wish I was drunk now. Just got another "never hear from them again" after a promising job interview. I've been unemployed and living in a homeless shelter for 16 months. I am apparently unemployable, not being a 30 year old computer head.

I relapsed about 14 years ago, I was in my mid 40's.

Fuck it. The Stupids win.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have seen statistics about how much more of a struggle it can be for those with more "time" to get back to sobriety after a prolonged relapse, so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. This isn't anything like an excuse to keep saying fuck it indefinitely, simply that I can totally understand how that would be the case now. There is still as lot you can do for yourself to bring healthier habits into your life, ones which may end up promoting a shifting towards abstinence or moderation in the long run.

 

[Erikmen]

I don't want to stop again because I like being drunk. Wish I was drunk now. Just got another "never hear from them again" after a promising job interview. I've been unemployed and living in a homeless shelter for 16 months. I am apparently unemployable, not being a 30 year old computer head.

I relapsed about 14 years ago, I was in my mid 40's.

Fuck it. The Stupids win.

Very sorry to hear that. I know there are moments in life that we simply stop caring. Nothing is worth any longer. No relationships to restore. Too much work to get your old life back and put it all together. Nevertheless, don't stop hoping for better times. Things could always get worse, I know it's hard to picture but emotionally and physically we can always go down and down.

Don't put an end on your aims and goals - not for good. That's gotta be something you'll regret. I've been through hell in life - don't mean to underestimate your pain. Just think about reconsidering. So what if everyone else is not paying enough attention perhaps here you get is a place you could talk about that.
I wish you well. Take care.

 

[manboychef]

OMG - I want in on the Zinnia action lol. They grow most of the year here and are considered perennial. I have a few in the front but would like to grow more. Zinnias from Bluelight would be much more significant than zinnias from Home Depot lol. I can send some echineachia seeds that I just harvested. They're perennial and they produce magnificent flowers, though they are 4ft tall. I use them to make teas and lotions as well. The only other seeds I have right now are marigolds, which are great for insect repellents, but they're kind of common. I line the porch and deck with them because the mosquito situation by the water in eastern NC is terrible and I refuse to use chems for big control.

Regarding the alcohol taste - I get that taste every once in a while from lighting a cigarette. It's pretty unnerving. Fortunately I thank activated cravings but sometimes it initiates a using dream later that night :/

I'm in. I love heirloom flowers that you can harvest seeds from. PM me. I just harvested more flower tops and bought some $1 stamps.

@fasteddie: You will get there. Do not abandon hope....I guess hope is like a flower in the high heat of summer. It needs extra attention to keep it healthy sometimes....especially if the flowers around it are faltering. Despair is what your using mind wants you to feel. It keeps you using.

 

[Squizz1985]

I don't want to stop again because I like being drunk. Wish I was drunk now. Just got another "never hear from them again" after a promising job interview. I've been unemployed and living in a homeless shelter for 16 months. I am apparently unemployable, not being a 30 year old computer head.

I relapsed about 14 years ago, I was in my mid 40's.

Fuck it. The Stupids win.

Aww man. Sorry to hear that. Twice I had to live in homeless shelters. It sucks. But I'll tell you this much: Drinking most likely isn't going to help your situation.

 

[Moreaux]

I find it frustrating how people automatically assume life will get better if you stop your DOC. I am not referencing anything anyone on this thread has mentioned, but intrinsicly it is a false statement. Life only gets better in sobriety if specific conditions exist. One, the desire to get sober and two, the desire to work tirelessly towards improving ones situation by dealing with the underlying mental health piece and by radically changing one's attitude toward life and self.

If you don't have those two desires and manage to quit, you're essentially just a dry drunk full of resentment that you can no longer drink, on top of the pre existing issues. Case and point, how many of us has been to meetings and have met old timers with lousy attitudes that are pissed off at the world? All they do is come to meetings and shot on everyone else's ideas. How many of us got clean, found that we felt worse in sobriety until we started doing the hard work?

Yes, for many of us that do manage to dig ourselves out of addiction we go on to continue the hard work to effect a massive change in how we interact with the world, but there are so many others who quit and life continues to keep kicking them and they lose the desire to continue to work as their situation just keeps getting worse, added to the fact that now they have to face the emotions of life with no means to trigger a dopamine response for temporary relief.

Fasteddie - you can inspired me to write this. I read your responses and I can empathize with your situation. If my math is correct your are in your mid 60's and life has been hard (hard is actually quite the understatement). You gave it 16 years, and what a struggle if life kept kicking you. I give you mad props for lasting 16 years. I have no comforting words or wisdom, nor am I going to give you sober platitudes because I feel they can be condescending in certain situations.

I am sorry you've had it hard, and I am sorry it didn't get better for you. I hope at some point you are able to make peace with the universe and find some comfort. In reality, drinking probably isn't helping your situation but I understand that it gives you temporary escape, I do understand. I also know how hard it is to find valid employment once you're past the age of 40 - I watched my very accomplished husband struggle for two years and the best he could do was a low level entry job fixing printers after having 20 years in the military and 20 years as a GS-13. What a slap in the face.

I lost somebody very close to me yesterday and the circumstances are painful, on top of a painful life, and I've no escape. Having to live with our emotions can be brutal. I've been pondering the mindset of "sobriety = better life" for a while now and I don't believe it is that black and white. I am not saying everyone should go out and use, just saying there are many variables involved, and while that it generally true for most people, I no longer think it's true for everyone. I also think it's an interesting recovery topic and would like to hear other's opinions and thoughts.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is the double edged blade of hope there. There is this common misconception that one day we will break through in our lives and everything will be perfect, like the ultimate enlightenment. Life isn't, or doesn't need to be, a constant struggle, but it also is never going to be all bliss and sunshine. For years when my days were good, instead of just focusing on that alone, I also began to teach myself tools for dealing with the more difficult times - because even when times are good it is never so black and white. It has made dealing with the difficult times since then so much more manageable. Not easier, not by a fucking long shot.

I have made fewer mistakes (well perhaps not fewer, but it seems I'm learning to make more less problematic ones) during those difficult times recently, and what I've learned about myself overall has helped me appreciate the good moments on shitty days, because again life is never so black and white.

We might feel that it, in effect, is. Those feelings are absolutely legitimate (if I'm depressed I'm entitled to that in a way, because to recognized that I'm not depressed when I'm depressed sounds utterly insane to me), but it is a mistake to feel that they are permanent. Those feelings will remain if we allow them to be perpetuated, if we dwell on them as such and let our stories about ourselves run wild in our mind.

Learning to open to the possibility that the way we feel isn't all there is at any one moment, and that what we are thinking isn't all there is at any one moment, offers a way to soften to the possibility of allowing other, more pleasant as opposed to disputant thoughts and feelings enter out mind. It's just important we don't ruminate on those either, thought we should appreciate them.

Learning to appreciate the bad and the good as just different flavors of experience is something I find extreme helpful. I am so very sorry you have been suffering so much recently, my heart goes out to you

 

[manboychef]

You are so right moreaux. The only things that get better when you quit your DOC is your possibility for legal trouble, and the amount of money you spend on your DOC. The rest comes with hard work, time, and sad to say a little luck (in this day and age it is hard to have any sort of social/financial mobility...hyper capitalism has seen to it that each generation has a harder time struggling for less resources with more people struggling for them. {what is sad is that we have less resources because very wealthy people and corporations hold onto their money, avoid taxes, and influence politics}).

Happiness is not a guarantee. It is something you have to fight for as hard as you can and once you have a little you need to hold on tightly so as not to lose it. We live in a world filled with existential turmoil and struggling. It is hard to find a job that pays decently...which causes families to work two and three jobs. What is the point of working if you cannot live on what you make? This makes the time you are not working extremely precious. We have less vacations and less time off due to wage stagnation and extreme competitiveness to pay as little as possible to regular employees in order to give bonuses to the executives.

All that being said: Sobriety is most definitely not all sunshine and rainbows. After the pink cloud vanishes we are stuck with the same situation we had before sobriety but without the coping mechanism we had become accustomed to. That is why I challenge anyone in sobriety to find something that brings them joy. I have a wonderful girlfriend. I garden and I paint. It has taken a very long time for me to have any sort of happiness in sobriety. All the times I had stopped before I was miserable and I viewed life as pointless. It always seemed like it never got any better, only worse. As I get older I realize it is up to me to seize the opportunity to make it better. Find what brings you joy and hold onto it. When angry question why you are, and then instead of dwelling on what makes you angry try to figure out how to change it.

@fasteddie: I am sorry for your situation. I have been there before. I was living in the armstrong house in syracuse which is even worse than a shelter. At that level of struggle...basically just struggling to have your basic needs met makes life seem extremely horrible.

Maslow's Hierarchy
Explanations > Needs > Maslow's Hierarchy
The hierarchical effect | The five needs | Three more needs | So what?
In 1943 Abraham Maslow, one of the founding fathers of humanist approaches to management, wrote an influential paper that set out five fundamental human needs needs and their hierarchical nature. They are quoted and taught so widely now that many people perceive this model as the definitive set of needs and do not look further.

The hierarchical effect
A key aspect of the model is the hierarchical nature of the needs. The lower the needs in the hierarchy, the more fundamental they are and the more a person will tend to abandon the higher needs in order to pay attention to sufficiently meeting the lower needs. For example, when we are ill, we care little for what others think about us: all we want is to get better.

Maslow called the first four needs 'D-need' as they are triggered when we have a deficit. Only self-actualization is a need that we seek for solely positive reasons. Maslow also called them 'instinctoid' as they are genetically programmed into us as essential for evolutionary survival. Loss of these during childhood can lead to trauma and lifelong fixation.










Note that in practice this hierarchy is only approximate and you do not have to have your physiologically needs fully satisfied before going on to seeking higher needs. In their global survey, for example, Tay and Diener (2011) found that people can be living in hazardous poverty and yet still derive much satisfaction from having social needs (belonging and esteem) fulfilled.

The five needs
Physiological needs are to do with the maintenance of the human body. If we are unwell, then little else matters until we recover.

Safety needs are about putting a roof over our heads and keeping us from harm. If we are rich, strong and powerful, or have good friends, we can make ourselves safe.

Belonging needs introduce our tribal nature. If we are helpful and kind to others they will want us as friends.

Esteem needs are for a higher position within a group. If people respect us, we have greater power.

Self-actualization needs are to 'become what we are capable of becoming', which would our greatest achievement.

 

[Squizz1985]

I find it frustrating how people automatically assume life will get better if you stop your DOC.

I don't find it frustrating, but I do find it interesting that the first time I tried to quit drinking without an expectations, was the time I finally quit. I just said to myself: "Matty, things may not get better for you qutting drinking, in fact they may get worse. One way or the other, drinking isn't going to HELP the sitution, so don't drink no matter what! That was almost four years ago, haven't had a drop. And I'm not going to whine, but trust me when I say: I have had to deal with some SERIOUS adversities in that time.

If you don't have those two desires and manage to quit, you're essentially just a dry drunk full of resentment that you can no longer drink, on top of the pre existing issues. Case and point, how many of us has been to meetings and have met old timers with lousy attitudes that are pissed off at the world? All they do is come to meetings and shot on everyone else's ideas. How many of us got clean, found that we felt worse in sobriety until we started doing the hard work?

HA! This is why I stopped going to meetings. It was just too much of a negative environment. I kept having issues of meetings, that were no fault of my own. Here's an example: I once sat down at a table, and started talking to some other people at a meeting. And some 70+year old man comes up and tells me to "Get the fuck out of his chair". Now keep in mind: This is a man I had given rides to and from meetings in the past. I know this guy. So I said: "Jimmy you can have the chair, but next time maybe you could ask a little nicer." at which he huffed something about me being a toughguy. After NUMEROUS experiences like this at meetings, I took a step back and said to myself: "Do I really need this anymore? Am I benefitting from this? Do I even enjoy being here?" After a minimal amount of examination, I left A.A. and have never looked back. It's been six months plus, and I feel MUCH better. A.A. members have called to try and get me to come back, but they know there's no use. My mind is made up. Also, I've joined a few other clubs that are much more appropriate for me, from a social point of view.

I lost somebody very close to me yesterday and the circumstances are painful, on top of a painful life, and I've no escape. Having to live with our emotions can be brutal. I've been pondering the mindset of "sobriety = better life" for a while now and I don't believe it is that black and white. I am not saying everyone should go out and use, just saying there are many variables involved, and while that it generally true for most people, I no longer think it's true for everyone. I also think it's an interesting recovery topic and would like to hear other's opinions and thoughts

Answers in bold. No, sobriety does not equal a better life for everybody. For some people, they quit drinking or drugs, and everything gets better. For me, it wasn't quite that easy. It took a lot of help, and a lot of hard work on my end. When I first cleaned up, I was about $5,000 in debt. Then I went to school, and that was another $7,000. Therefore, by 1.5 years into my "recovery", I was $12,000 in debt. Today I have debt, but it's managable. And my savings are much more than my debt. That didn't happen on it's own. I had to work for it. All being clean did, was allow me to start to realize my own potential. Which truthfully, is a great gift.

 

[Squizz1985]

I don't want to stop again because I like being drunk. Wish I was drunk now. Just got another "never hear from them again" after a promising job interview. I've been unemployed and living in a homeless shelter for 16 months. I am apparently unemployable, not being a 30 year old computer head.

I relapsed about 14 years ago, I was in my mid 40's.

Fuck it. The Stupids win.

As bleak as your situation may seem, I promise you my first stint at The Salavation Army was worse:

I went on a massive drug bender, and my parents, being fed up with my nonsense told me to get out. I had nowhere to go. So I checked into the Sally. The first night there, I couldn't sleep, and a roommate gave me some benzos. Next thing I know, I'm in a crackhouse, getting all messed up, and went on a binge until 7am the next day. I went back into the Sally, and promised I would enter their rehab program. After coming to, later that day, I remember thinking to myself: "Boy Matty, you've sure gotten yourself into a jackpot here, and you're going to have to work VERY hard to get out of it." I thought that was going to be the worst of it. Wrong again.

Three days later, I got a knock on my room's door. It was the police. Apparently they went to my parent's house, and my mom told them where I was. I spent the next week in the slammer.

At that point in my life, I just figured nothing was ever going to go my way, and that the whole world was against me, my family included.

But the truth of the matter is, is that I put myself in that situation, and when you're acting like an idiot (as i was) you're not likely to catch any breaks. Negative attracts negative.

I just thank God I've never gone that far down again. I just always held out hope in my heart that things would turn around, and they have. Tremendously. Never give up hope, no matter how bleak things may seem.

 

[Moreaux]

@TPD - I figured you would have decent insight - I'm glad you responded. I share your feelings, though you phrased it much more eloquently than I could have. I think it's critical to experience all the feelings of a given situation, and my biggest struggle in life has been to run/avoid anything remotely unpleseant. This is particularly true for my depression.

I've suffered depression for decades and thought it was my physiology. In hindsight, my depression was situational, as it now. Looking at it in terms of what it actually is makes it so much more manageable. It is within my right for me to be sad; there are sad events happening in my life right now, and sad things have happened previously. I do not feel guilty or like I'm failing for my sadness now because it is an appropriate response, where as previously I felt I was wrong to be sad so I complicated the sadness with self hatred thinking I was defective. By being present and sober in the moment has taught me that while sadness is not the most pleseant emotion, there is a beauty and peaceful resignation in acknowledging it and allowing it mature. I never did that before and I think that's why it has remained as I never fully processed the feeling or the situation and so there was no resolution.

@manboychef - much agreement with you I as well. I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a child, and it has always stayed with me. I think so many of us initially fail to find happiness in early recovery because we have the expectation that it will suddenly happen to us which is false. We have to be proactive in making changes to our lives in order to reach that goal. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and expecting joy to just happen breeds resentments when it doesn't. So many of us view ourselves as either undeserving or failures when life doesn't work out that we often don't see how our actions or state of mind have impacted or defined our current situation as addiction is so complex and pervasive in its scope. So many fires need to be put out in early recovery that it's hard to define the steps necessary to achieve more than just basic survival, and so much effort is required just for the basic survival and putting forth any more work seems daunting as we tend to lack the energy to push further. I have found that I have to diagram and list the steps necessary to achieve goals as it difficult to see the entire picture just thinking in linear terms.

I also think that most addicts view getting sober as the end goal when in fact that is essentially step one, and it's such a monumental and time/energy consuming step that we are exhausted by the time we need to work on subsequent steps we are drained. (Note, I am not referencing AA steps, just the steps in the process of recovery and getting healthy).

@squizz1985 - I think you have a realistic view of recovery, one which I share. I knew when beginning the recovery process that getting sober was just a small part, nobody was going to wave a magic wand making life perfect and fixing all my problems once I achieved sobriety. I think so many people have unrealistic expectations, which many fellowships perpetuate, that they are doomed to fail before they even begin. There is an extreme lack of transparency in many conventional recovery philosophies that essentially set the addict up to fail.

While I think support is necessary to recovery, telling addicts to just jump in and blindly have faith that everything will work out is very damaging as that is not the reality of the situation. It results in addicts becoming more resentful and deflated the longer they try as it almost seems everyone else but them were worthy great luck and fortune, and they were not good enough or deserving, which isn't the case.

While I think the overall intent is to just get addicts to focus on the getting sober piece and not get discouraged, in the end I find that the addict is ill prepared to continue to move forward after sobriety is achieved, which may be why so many people become so attached to certain fellowships once they achieve sobriety. While it's good they achieve sobriety, the price they pay seems costly as they are forever stuck identifying as their addiction when imo the addiction should be a part of their history.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sobriety can mean a lot of different things in different contexts, but for me it is a more mature way of living with my past and current drug use. This could be easily misinterpreted, as by drugs I don't just mean stuff like heroin and alcohol. I'm referring to endorphins, sugar, anything psychoactive or that has significant effects on our bodies and mind that go so far as to lead us to alter our behavior. So, more than anything, sobriety is synonymous for maturity for me, but for many other people it might be as simple as abstinence.

Abstinence in and of itself does not solve our deeper behavior challenges, although it can allow a profound foundation for doing so. Perhaps more significant is that there is this common misconception that abstinence means NOT taking any drugs - which apply my understanding of the word "drug" is absolutely absurd. It would be nearly impossible, no it is impossible, to live a life totally unrelated to external and internal stimuli that can lead us to profoundly change our behaviors and lead to unhealthy habits.

Sobriety for me is also a product of other changes I make in my life. One has been a drive to establish (and regularly re-establish, given the need of the moment) abstinence from drug use that negatively impacts my quality of life. Another has becoming more involved in supportive communities I can feel safe enough in to be vulnerable enough to allow myself to be, no to discover who I really want to be. Working towards that is a constant goal. As times changes and situations evolve, as things ebb and flow, who I really want to be does change - it evolves.

I obviously hold a number of very important core values, like courage, flexibility and kindness, that I seem to be naturally more intend with than perhaps other values. Really affirm those that feel right to me is the foundation for me to incorporate others, to challenge myself to grow and put myself out there, to succeed and to fail.

Life goes on whether we want it to or now. Who we are is who we will become, not just who we have been. You might not be able to change you past, but it does in no way determine who you will be, unless you actively make that so. Identity is such a tricky thing. It is so easy to think we know who we are, and for that to end up being profoundly damaging.

I certainly was brainwashed into internalizing the stigma of the junkie when I first encountered treatment. That was confusing, because as an identity it never felt right. It felt good to be part of a group of other addicts, but I never felt I could willingly give myself love when that was who I acted like and thought of myself as. Breaking through that, getting in touch with who I was not just by affirming my addict past but my past before that, was very helpful in allowing myself to develop new ways of relating to myself.

In relating to myself in healthier ways I became better able to relate to drug use in healthier ways.