Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[captaincaveman]

how do you get one day of sobriety when all you can think aboutb is how to get fucked up enough to get through the day, i hate having nowhere to go, no private space. and drinking is what put me in this situation in the first place. I seriously need to give this shit a break, i almost got caught this morning taking some absolut out of a local grocery store. though probably 8:00 am isnt realy the best time to steal booze. need to wait til later when theres more customers to keep an eye on

This isn't really my style and will probably get removed. But if you're desperate to get drunk, <snip>

 

[motherofearth]

Telling people to steal and drink Listerine is Harm Reduction? I think our definitions differ here.

 

[captaincaveman]

It was meant in jest, although being a recovering alcoholic myself, I realise it was foolish (but does work actually, smashed with minty fresh breath)

 

[guineaPig]

Don't know how you guys limit your drinking.
When I was in AA at 19, a guy said he went over to his buddy's house, friend says "want a beer?" and the guy goes "no. I want six." that's me.
Can't cold turkey, because the threat of seizure is very real.
I dry out at work every night, and nobody even asks why my hands shake like they do anymore.
You got benzos, but I'd just abuse those damn things to the point where I was fucked up enough to go buy alcohol.

Got no healthcare so taking time off for in-patient just costs me money I'm not making by taking time off.
That's also disregarding the $1000 bill I still have from the last time I was in the ER.

Getting by otherwise. Still no end in sight.

 

[n3ophy7e]

gP I totally appreciate the fact that you can't go cold turkey. Is there any way at ALL that you can decrease the amount you're drinking? At this point, do you have enough self-control to only purchase a set quantity of alcohol per session, and leave it at that? Like, once that portion of alcohol is gone for the day, that is IT, no more until tomorrow, kinda thing? I'm not sure exactly how much you're drinking, and what types of drinks, so it's difficult for me to suggest a reasonable tapering schedule that you are likely to stick to.

Are you currently going to AA meetings? If so, are they helping at all? If not, would you consider going to some?

Have you ever tried naltrexone? I have been on naltrexone for 6 months and I would honestly not be sober if it weren't for that. The tricky thing is that, unlike Antabuse, you CAN still drink whilst on naltrexone (it's just a bit less of an enjoyable buzz), so in my opinion you really really need to WANT to cut-down/quit drinking before you commit to naltrexone.
Could be something to consider....

The other really important thing is breaking the cycle/habit of your drinking behaviour. Jamming a stick in to the spoke of the wheel, so to speak. What can you do differently, in your daily routine, to curb or stop some part of your normal routine that will make it less likely for you to be triggered in to drinking? For me it was things like taking a different driving route home after work that didn't go past bottle shops, or stopping in at my (then)boyfriend's mother's house on the way home from work for a chat...by which time my alcohol cravings had reduced somewhat and were more easy to control. Exercise was also a HUGE help for me. Is this something you could use to your advantage?

I know you feel helpless, and that this shit has been going on for a LONG time, but I was in the exact same position as you man. Finally shit all just fell in to place and now I've been sober for almost 5 months. You CAN do it.

 

[Crashtest]

Third day without alcohol. Still not craving, but i know that on the fifth day i will start craving.....Alla that I have is some clonazepam, baclofen, and Tizanidine (usually 4mg as side effect make me fall asleep). Anyway since I've tried tapering down without success, I can only co cold turkey. This time I will not give up.
EDIT:
Forgot to say haven't sleep tonight......arghhhhhhh

 

[blahman8000]

Thought I would check in. I hope everyone is doing well. Crashtest, keep it up! For me, honestly, the worst is over after the first few days. The lack of sleep is unfortunately part of it, but it gets easier. Cravings do arise, though, days, weeks and even months after sobering up. If you do start craving, I've found that it's best to plan out alternatives. Foods you like, exercise, etc. Also, one of the biggest causes of major alcohol cravings during recovery is hypoglycemia, so that might be something worth looking into. Good luck!

n3o - Congrats on five months! I'm glad that Naltrexone is helping you. Maybe I should give it a shot. I hope things continue to go well for you.

guineaPig - I know how you feel, and I know how helpless it can seem. I've had seizures from alcohol withdrawal, and I've also avoided quitting just to get through the day without withdrawals. I've been to the point where I could barely hand my money over to the guy at the liquor store without shaking so much and spilling change everywhere. Even though these are major signs that we need to stay away from alcohol, all it does is make us desperate to drink and get by for another day. If you feel like you could have a seizure if you were to quit cold turkey, and you don't have health coverage, do you think you could try tapering down? Have you tried in the past? For me, benzos were an aid when quitting booze, but I can understand how they can mess with our judgment and lead us to drinking. Last time I tried tapering off alcohol, though, I simply switched from hard liquor to beer and drank only when my anxiety began to really sink in. It was crucial not to drink with the intention of getting wasted, which was all I really did beforehand. Anyway, I hope you know that there are ways out of this. I wish you luck.

 

[motherofearth]

I didn't think this one would keep defeating me. Drugs (with much effort), I've not touched since mid-May. Yet alcohol continually aids me in ruining my life.

I've had two stretches of sobriety recently (the first 36 days; the second 48 days - each respectively the longest I've ever gone). Both times I drank to severe intoxication. Both times I knew I wasn't trying to drink moderately, or like a gentlemen. Moderate drinking makes me nauseatingly anxious; it's just never been on the itinerary. I drink for oblivion.

The first derailing w/ booze caused me such a feeling of wretchedness accompanied by rage I couldn't stop until I crawled back to rehab. This time I didn't have the energy to even be livid. I'm just sick w/ disappointment. The episodes get worse and it is more difficult to persevere. This time I regained consciousness walking through the Tenderloin in my underwear.

Fortunately, after an hour of (conscious) walking, someone stopped and gave me an extra pair of shorts and a shirt. And bought me coffee.

I returned to my sober living. Before they could drug test me (a test I would have passed) I admitted to drinking. I couldn't swallow that lie and continue forward and they kicked me out. Despite my candor, my head was still closest to the ground.

I don't know what it will take, but here's to another attempt to stop.

 

[blahman8000]

motherofearth - I'm right there with you. Alcohol can reduce us to unbelievable shame. I'm glad you're going to try to stop again. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, or why it always seems like the only way. Also, 36 days and 48 days of sobriety after addiction is nothing to shrug at. That's an incredible accomplishment and is an indication of integrity. It shows that you can do this. Please keep us posted. You're not alone and you can overcome this.

 

[motherofearth]

Thank you for the encouragement blahman. I'm actually pretty proud of those stretches. I don't feel as if I lost them since I grew a lot in those periods. Good luck to you.

 

[VanWeyden]

MoE, kudos for your honesty. Maybe being honest in that situation was even more important than staying in rehab. Did you notice the length of your sober stretches increases? Maybe you will accomplish 60 days or more the next time. Your binges sound severe, but I guess that's normal when you stay sober for so long in between. Don't beat yourself up about this! You're stronger than you think!

 

[motherofearth]

Thanks VanWeyden, that is a good explanation for how much more severe these lapses get.

By the way, how the hell have you been?

 

[Cyc]

I find just in the past few months, if I drink too much the night before I wake up about 3hrs after I pass out with this really awful, shaky, anxious, restless, agonizing feeling that lasts for a few hours, then finally winds down to where I can go back and catch a few more hours of sleep.

.. but it completely ruins my day.

 

[VanWeyden]

Hmmm, right now soso. Apart from a small slip-up with stims (posted about that in the amps megathread recently) I'm doing great addictionwise.
Right now I'm working on a two month project in another part of the country, so I'm on my own when not working which makes me feel a bit lonely. Hopefully I'll get to know some new people soon. So right now I have a lot of time to think about the past eventful years which is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others. On the plus side I understood a lot of things about me in the last weeks, but being alone too much messes with my mind at times...

How was your time in rehab apart from that unhappy ending?

 

[guineaPig]

My situation these days is a bit odd.
I always work past 2am, so I have to buy before.
Once I catch a buzz, there's no stopping me. But I always have a full bottle via buying right before going to work.

 

[motherofearth]

Hmmm, right now soso. Apart from a small slip-up with stims (posted about that in the amps megathread recently) I'm doing great addictionwise.
Right now I'm working on a two month project in another part of the country, so I'm on my own when not working which makes me feel a bit lonely. Hopefully I'll get to know some new people soon. So right now I have a lot of time to think about the past eventful years which is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others. On the plus side I understood a lot of things about me in the last weeks, but being alone too much messes with my mind at times...

How was your time in rehab apart from that unhappy ending?

Hmmm, it was probably more typical than I think. I kicked IV/hard drugs over a three week stay and met a lot of great people and solidified real relationships w/ lasting friends. After about two weeks being out though I started to get really anxious as I hadn't raised hell in a long while. So I drank for 4 days straight and hell I raised. So much so everyone thought I ought to come back to rehab and meet even more people, get more education, and more detox. Again, I did real well - they even made me patient representative and gave me all thee leadership roles and encouraged me to go get certified as a counselor. I told them just b/c I am off the booze doesn't make me fit to counsel others; I'm a crazy person, I said. In any event, things were going real well until I started to get insecure about my identity being wrapped up in sobriety. Also, I started to feel everyone was telling me what I can and can't do. So I went out w/ booze again.

So strange. Heroin never even seems like an option for me b/c I've convinced myself it is the ultimate end game. Alcohol is destroying me just as severely and rapidly.

 

[n3ophy7e]

n3o - Congrats on five months! I'm glad that Naltrexone is helping you. Maybe I should give it a shot. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Thank you!! It's still 4 days to go until it's officially 5 months, but I'm almost there I would definitely recommend naltrexone to anyone who is ready and committed to quitting drinking.
So glad to hear you're still sober, keep it up dude, you're an inspiration in this thread

 

[blahman8000]

Thank you!! It's still 4 days to go until it's officially 5 months, but I'm almost there I would definitely recommend naltrexone to anyone who is ready and committed to quitting drinking.
So glad to hear you're still sober, keep it up dude, you're an inspiration in this thread

I hate to say it, but unfortunately I'm not sober lately.

I do think I could stop if I could just regain my strength and motivation, but I feel like I've done so much irreversible damage that my life will never be the same anyway. I've resorted to things I'm not proud of, even drinking cooking wine when I had nothing else. Drinking while knowing that if I don't stop, it's going to kill me. The fact that I've probably done permanent damage to my body makes me just want to drink more, makes me want to give up, because I'm full of regret. All I can really do is tell you folks that this substance really does become fucking evil (as I'm sure you all know). I know this sounds silly coming from a daily buyer of alcohol like me, but I have no idea why something like alcohol is legal yet people are in legal trouble because of marijuana. I've certainly done my share of a variety of substances, and alcohol is the one that truly has me almost down for the count.

Sorry for the negativity, guys. I've sobered up before and I can do it again. It's not hopeless. But it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

 

[herbavore]

^you are so right about alcohol being one of the toughest substances around. I know everybody on this thread knows it. You can do it and one thing that I want to point out that I have noticed many times in TDS is that fatalism is one of the biggest triggers everybody faces (" I've already done so much damage to my body, I've already ruined my life, I can't feel anymore", etc.) When you convince yourself that you have already done irreparable harm it becomes a justification to keep going which is what the addicted part of your brain is always looking for. I think that one of the most positive things that you could try is just putting that thinking in perspective. When those thoughts come up you can just say to them, "I know you and you are not the truth. The truth is I can change everything and reverse any damage I have done."

 

[spork]

My situation these days is a bit odd.
I always work past 2am, so I have to buy before.
Once I catch a buzz, there's no stopping me. But I always have a full bottle via buying right before going to work.

I'm glad to see you posting in here. I know how long you've struggled with this and if you ever want someone to talk to or just want to catch up, I'm around. I miss you.