- Joined
- Mar 7, 2011
- Messages
- 25,717
Blahman, I'm very glad to hear you're doing better than you have been, you were starting to worry me there! I've been doing a little bit better myself. But the beast seems to never really leave. I'm not sober so I won't even pretend to say that I am. But I've been keeping my drinking to friday and saturday. Sometime's I'll have a wed/thurs fuckup. I've seemed to get past that "I can't stop drinking until I'm comatose" feeling, except for one exception where I couldn't stop drinking rum until I blacked out. The gripping anxiety, cravings, and insomnia have left for the most part.
My real issue is that I haven't truly faced and overcome this raging beast inside me. I've simply replaced alcohol with klonopin, ativan, speed, and oxy's during the week. Without the klonopin I take at night (klonopin has a long half life so I feel it's effects for most of the next day also), I feel like I'd be just as bad as I was. The only reason I'm not craving so bad and drinking every night is because I'm leveled and chilled out for most of the day. And I have truly opened a scary fucking bag of worms with this one, because benzo's are just as bad if not worse withdrawal then alcohol. And I've been on benzos for long enough that I know the day will come when I have to experience that hell.
I'm terrified to let go of my benzo crutch, because I still feel like I haven't gotten rid of my alcohol crutch. It seems these days my life carries some kind of false sense of well being, because I feel fine most days, even after drinking heavily on the weekends. But underneath it all I still feel like the same alcoholic that would pop a shit ton of klons, dxm, drink 2 bottles of wine, and go into a blind rage punching holes in the bathroom wall. Alcohol may be my main poison, but I've relied on too much of a crutch, and I'm in for a long terrible fall before it's all said and done.
My real issue is that I haven't truly faced and overcome this raging beast inside me. I've simply replaced alcohol with klonopin, ativan, speed, and oxy's during the week. Without the klonopin I take at night (klonopin has a long half life so I feel it's effects for most of the next day also), I feel like I'd be just as bad as I was. The only reason I'm not craving so bad and drinking every night is because I'm leveled and chilled out for most of the day. And I have truly opened a scary fucking bag of worms with this one, because benzo's are just as bad if not worse withdrawal then alcohol. And I've been on benzos for long enough that I know the day will come when I have to experience that hell.
I'm terrified to let go of my benzo crutch, because I still feel like I haven't gotten rid of my alcohol crutch. It seems these days my life carries some kind of false sense of well being, because I feel fine most days, even after drinking heavily on the weekends. But underneath it all I still feel like the same alcoholic that would pop a shit ton of klons, dxm, drink 2 bottles of wine, and go into a blind rage punching holes in the bathroom wall. Alcohol may be my main poison, but I've relied on too much of a crutch, and I'm in for a long terrible fall before it's all said and done.