Man, listen......
It sounds to me as if you're in basically the same spot that I've been in before, where you're drinking massive quantities of booze, know damn well that it's killing you, and you simply don't care. I get it. At one point I was so miserably depressed that I was drinking a big, nasty 5L box of wine every day. I did that for a while, and I've never been more miserable in my life. At the end when I was doing that, it felt like every nerve in my body was screaming at me. I don't know if it was from nutrient depletion, or if my liver and kidneys couldn't keep up with all the abuse and my body was shutting down from the toxicity, or what, but it was horrible enough that I thought I was dying. I honestly wanted to kill myself if I WASN'T dying, because it was that bad.
So I went to the hospital, told them what was up, and the PA treated me so badly that after being poked for an hour because they couldn't find an accessible vein(due to my past fun with needles as well as dehydration), I told them to fuck off, went home, and dealt with it myself. That was certainly no fun, as I didn't even have any benzos to help deal with it.
What are you going to do if you keep drinking, take a bunch of painkillers, and the painkillers stop working?
What are you going to do if you OD, it doesn't kill you, and you wind up debilitated for the rest of your life?
What are you going to do if you develop wet brain and end up in a nursing home for the rest of your life?
If this drinking doesn't kill you, there are lots of other scenarios that you could possibly end up in that are potentially worse than dying.
There are a couple of us on this thread that have been where you're at. We've survived, are working through it, and are happier to not be in that spot anymore.
Please listen to everyone here. Let your doctor care for you. It's her job, and none of the rest of us are qualified to deal with this issue beyond giving you moral support. That said, PM me any time if you are of a mind to do so. Take care.
