Recovery A new me.

[aihfl]

it's just really difficult to plan since so many things can affect whether or not they launch on time/date and if it gets postponed (which happens a lot)

That's very true. I dragged myself out of bed in the wee hours of Saturday morning when the Delta IV was supposed to go up, and the launch window was missed due to technical glitches. That said, Kennedy Space Center is the best attraction in the state as far as I'm concerned (having worked for Disney, I despise theme parks). If you ever visit KSC let me know. I'm an annual passholder. Seeing Space Shuttle Atlantis and the Saturn V that took men to the moon never gets old.

 

[hikfromstik]

Ladyh , you did what 90% of first time mmt patients do . It was such a habit to me using pills that I would sneak some vicodin or something my first month and never got any effects. I got demeral at the hospital for a kidney stone and it was the only thing that would over ride the methadone. That was about 16 years ago and now demeral is about as rare as hens teeth. We live and learn . The only thing extra methadone would do yo me was cause extreme drowsiness, major sweating, and lethargic feeling, of yeah , major constipation. You needed to find out so you now know there is no need in retrying again.

 

[EPL1]

Hello gorgeous!!

Well aren't you guys the sweetest! I enjoy writing and consider myself a pretty good writer, but I feel like I just ramble on here sometimes. I'm a pretty expressive person irl so. naturally, I try to include as much as I can in my recovery journal. I want to be able to look back on this, years in the future, and get a feel for exactly where I was mentally, emotionally, physically, etc etc. during this entire process (so that hopefully my dumbass won't keep making these same mistakes!). Thank you guys for reading and caring about my insignificant little life

Your life is anything but insignificant my dear. You are a bright, vivacious and kind young woman. And we really do care about you.

Well I made a couple of poor decisions this weekend, but I learned some things and nothing too negative happened as a a result of these decisions, so I'm not being too hard on myself about it. I ended up using yesterday ...but let me back up for a moment here.,. so Saturday, my curiosity (more like MY ADDICTION) got the best of me and I ended up taking my Sunday take home (making it 120mg of methadone total instead of my usual 60mg). I did this because I wanted to see what a higher dose felt like and if it gave me more relief (or more negative side effects) than my current, fairly moderate, dose. I probably also did it because I'm an addict and I wanted to see if I could actually get high off methadone. Turns out, I can't...well I didn't anyways. In fact, it didn't really feel much different than the 60mg except I became dreadfully tired..like couldn't keep my eyes open tired. And it wasn't even like a fun, euphoric nod out kind of tired, it just felt like I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before or something. Totally wasn't worth wasting my Sunday meds for. So, even though I woke up feeling fine on Sunday morning, I decided to use bc I didn't have any methadone, I just had my monthly UA for the clinic and won't be tested again for a few weeks, and bc I'm an idiot. Well, I bought a reeeeally small bag (less than a half gram, more like a quarter of a gram) and did an amount that should've had me feeling something, but nothing. I did more, still nothing. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel high or even good...just normal, no matter how much I did. While it was a relief to not get sick yesterday, I feel like I probably wouldn't have gotten sick anyways since I had a large amount of methadone in me from Sat. on top of 3 weeks worth of daily methadone use built up in my system. So, I feel like the money I spent (which wasn't much, thankfully) was a huge waste and all using did was end my fairly impressive "dope free" streak of almost 3 weeks. I'm a big "Bright Side" kind of gal, though, so I'm trying to see this for what it is. I learned that more methadone does not equal more euphoria or even any euphoria at all...just a level of sleepiness that's not even very enjoyable. I also learned that methadone does a GREAT JOB at blocking the feel goods from dope (or any other full agonist, for that matter I assume) and using dope while on methadone is a waste of money, a waste of time (spent like an hour of my day getting the shit too!), and an unnecessary risk to me legally as I drive around with this drug that is VERY MUCH A FELONY. I'd read up on all of this..I knew that any dose over 50mg will block the euphoria from other full agonists...I knew that taking more methadone would probably not get me high, but would increase negative side effects...but I still did it anyways. My dad has always told me that I'm one of those people who has to learn my lessons the hard way....that warnings/advice/etc are never enough, I need to experience the consequences of my actions to truly understand the effects of my behavior...and, well, lesson learned this time. I definitely won't be repeating any of those actions again. I'm actually really glad I'm on methadone vs. suboxone; on suboxone, "breaking through" my dose on suboxone was always incredibly easy, no matter how high of a sub dose I was on, especially at night once it had worn off some. With methadone, using becomes incredibly pointless (no matter how much I try to "break through"). I know learning some self discipline is important because I won't always have methadone to block dope, but its nice to have right now while I'm still emotionally weak and am working on myself and my addiction. So yeah, I fucked up..but, I learned a lot, so I consider it kinda worth it. Relapse is part of recovery, but I'm not planning on making it part of my recovery from here on out ever again.

Relapses are part of recovery, you learn something from them at least, you will be stronger and more compassionate having walked that road yourself Kate. Good will come of it. Just don't make it a habit, and I am in NO WAY judging you, I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. You have a great supportive man, family and friends and they need you around, as do we.

Btw, I applaud your honesty, you are doing yourself a great service by being honest with yourself and with us, we can better support you that way. ; )

Besides all that, things are good. This weekend involved a lot of loafing (probably bc I was so zombified from the high 'done dose!). Today is exactly two years since my first date with my boyfriend, so tonight we're going to out to a friend of mine's property in "the sticks" about an hour outside of the city where there's very little light pollution so we can have a nice picnic dinner/couple of glasses of vino on a blanket under the night sky and watch the Perseid meteor shower. Every year I always make plans to go outside of the city to view the shower, but it always sneaks up on me and something always ends up messing up my plans. Today would've been the same story except for the fact that my bf has an amazing memory (and actually listens to me...a guy...weird right? lol) and remembered how badly I've always wanted to see the shower outside of the city, so he "surprised" me this morning with the night's plans. I can't wait :D!! So romantic!! I'm surprised too...bc my bf is amazing but hates the typical romantic, sappy stuff, so this is a little out of character for him. Though, he did say to me, several months back, that if we ended up getting back together he would try and be a better boyfriend to me and give me more attention, so maybe this is his attempt at that. Whatever the reason, I sure am looking forward to tonight
​

All else is well...busy at work as usual. We have a big conference next week and I have to do a presentation so I'll be spending this week getting that ready (on top of my usual mountain of work). Oy. Hoping to do RR this week again if I can. Several friends I haven't seen in awhile sent me messages this past weekend trying to make dinner plans for some night this week, so I have a feeling Ill be busy in the evenings this week as well. Good thing I really enjoy being busy. lol

Thanks again for the support, love, encouragement, etc. guys. Sorry if I let anyone down by using some this past weekend..but know it taught me a valuable lesson...that using on methadone is stupid.

Much love, everyone

Your romantic dinner/meteor watch under the stars sounds so cool!!! You have a good partner there for sure!!!

Let me know how your great date night goes, I always love reading your updates!!​

Much love and support to you my dear friend,

Ash.
​

 

[ladyhlove]

Lol, yep...I figured it was a pretty common thing to do. And, yep, won't be doing it again. I heard the methadone blocked the effects from opiates..but so do subs and I always managed to get high on dope while on subs...even if it took more dope than I would've needed had I not been on subs. And, on subs, if I missed my am dose and then tried to use I would feel the effects almost fully...not with methadone. The more lines I snorted, the same I felt. I'm glad I didn't buy very much (I didn't buy much because I figured one of two things would happen...A. What actually did happen...or B. Bc I hadn't used dope in over 2 weeks, my tolerance would be low as fuck and it wouldn't take much dope to get me high or at least keep me from going into wd) bc I didn't feel shit. And honestly...I'm ok with that. I'm actually glad I can't get high even if I tried. I'll tell you, i had methadone all wrong before I started it..I always thought folks on methadone were getting high off their meds (or at least kinda high)...that they could use on top of the methadone and get extra high...I was so wrong.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

oh my GOD, ladyh. How the fuck are our relapse schedules so tightly aligned? the fuck is going on? I relapsed on Friday, but knew it was a bad idea basically immediately and (for once) didn't fly off the deep end, and have reigned it in and kept it as a one-day slip up.

for once, I'm actually 2 days ahead of you in clean time! how did you feel the days afterwards? I was just super tired and depressed saturday and sunday, but feeling better now. honestly, this is like the 3rd time we have relapsed and restarted sobriety within a few days of each other, its really bizarre.

 

[EPL1]

Wow Rio, good for you for turning things around so quickly!! You're awesome!!! Very proud of you!!

your friend,
Ash.

oh my GOD, ladyh. How the fuck are our relapse schedules so tightly aligned? the fuck is going on? I relapsed on Friday, but knew it was a bad idea basically immediately and (for once) didn't fly off the deep end, and have reigned it in and kept it as a one-day slip up.

for once, I'm actually 2 days ahead of you in clean time! how did you feel the days afterwards? I was just super tired and depressed saturday and sunday, but feeling better now. honestly, this is like the 3rd time we have relapsed and restarted sobriety within a few days of each other, its really bizarre.

 

[ladyhlove]

IDK Rio, that's too crazy.

Well...today is the day after. And I feel fine, honestly. I didn't use much and it didn't do much for me. Did you actually feel anything off your relapse?

And good for you for reigning it in. It's tough to stop again, I know it. You start planning for your day back and try to find any excuse to not do it...."Oh work's crazy this week, I need to be on my game...ill reinduct next week" or "I have a big family event I can't be in wd for...ill do it after the weekend"...and then a month later you're still using.

 

[aihfl]

Well LHL, you inspired me to get to my first Refuge Recovery meeting in a long time. Our daily afternoon thunderstorms had just passed and it was really tempting to just stay in and veg in front of the television after a long day at work, but I'm always glad I went to a RR meeting, unlike a 12 step meeting. I find hearing others' drunk/drugalogues so depressing it makes me want to wash down a handful of benzos and gabapentin with a fifth of vodka, and too many people at 12 step meetings are just too fucking enamored of the sound of their own voice to the point where I seriously want to throttle them. I do ok with literature meetings where the focus remains tighter, but the discussion meetings more often than not put me in such a bad headspace and that's the opposite of what meetings are supposed to do. I also enjoyed your description of the people at RR. The people there definitely has a cool "crunchy" "granola" vibe. I just wish we met more than once a week. There are two meetings a week out at the beach, but living on the northwest side of Orlando, that would be a 120 mile round trip drive for me. Although the beach meetings are cool. One is at a Buddhist temple and the other is literally on the beach. It's really cool to do the meditation with the sounds of the waves breaking in the background. Almost like a cheesy meditation recording except it's not a recording.

 

[somnilicious]

Well LHL, you inspired me to get to my first Refuge Recovery meeting in a long time. Our daily afternoon thunderstorms had just passed and it was really tempting to just stay in and veg in front of the television after a long day at work, but I'm always glad I went to a RR meeting, unlike a 12 step meeting. I find hearing others' drunk/drugalogues so depressing it makes me want to wash down a handful of benzos and gabapentin with a fifth of vodka, and too many people at 12 step meetings are just too fucking enamored of the sound of their own voice to the point where I seriously want to throttle them. I do ok with literature meetings where the focus remains tighter, but the discussion meetings more often than not put me in such a bad headspace and that's the opposite of what meetings are supposed to do. I also enjoyed your description of the people at RR. The people there definitely has a cool "crunchy" "granola" vibe. I just wish we met more than once a week. There are two meetings a week out at the beach, but living on the northwest side of Orlando, that would be a 120 mile round trip drive for me. Although the beach meetings are cool. One is at a Buddhist temple and the other is literally on the beach. It's really cool to do the meditation with the sounds of the waves breaking in the background. Almost like a cheesy meditation recording except it's not a recording.

Hey ahlfi where is the refuge recovery meeting?

 

[aihfl]

Hey Somni, I just looked at the RR website and it looks like the beach meeting in Cocoa Beach is no more, which sucks, because it was way cool. There's a meeting in Melbourne on Thursdays at 7pm at Temple Punyawanaram Wat at 4490 Aurora Road, and the one in Orlando meets at the Unitarian Universalist Society at 1901 East Robinson Mondays at 7:30. Let me know if you ever want to hit either one of those meetings. I'd be more than happy to meet you in Melbourne, or if you want to come to the Orlando meeting, I'll give you directions to my house and we can ride together.

 

[ladyhlove]

So many bluelighters in the SE! hik and beenbetter from TN, aihfl and somni in FL, me in GA. Probably more I don't even know about! One BLer (won't name bc I don't want to put her biz out there if she doesn't want it there) and I figured out, through private messaging, that she and I work in neighboring office complexes...we could probably walk to each other's work within 5 min. Crazy! You know....when I was an addict, I used to feel like I was the only person in the world who maintained a boring, typical office life while secretly scoring dope on my lunch breaks and snorting lines all day in the work bathroom...but actually, there was someone in the building next to me doing the same lol. Good thing we didn't figure out we were neighbors during our active addiction...we could've gotten into some trouble together.

YAY! SO GLAD you went back to Refuge! I agree about the once a week thing. I wish I could find them in the abundance that I find AA/NA meetings. I've been trying to find an atheist/agnostic group like yours, aihfl, but no luck as of yet. Atl is so huge though, there's gotta be something. I'm actually really excited about this week's RR meeting. As I've said, I'm going to try and get there early so I can talk to the group leader(s) and introduce myself. I felt a little uncomfortable and out of place last week since I just kinda showed up. I could tell it's a tight-knit group, but I imagine they are used to new people appearing so I guess I shouldn't have felt too weird about it. I bought myself the proper pillow (it has a proper name...that's escaping me at the moment) and have the RR manual on it's way to me from amazon. I"m really glad I've found this group and I'm excited about hopefully becoming more involved. I couldn't agree more about AA/NA. I went to a few mandatory AA meetings for a DUI i got about a decade ago and, jesus, what a miserable fucking experience. I went to a meeting with a former roommate of mine who was struggling with alcoholism about a year ago...i tried to have an open mind and have the mindset that all meetings are different and maybe this one would be better than the one I went to 10 years earlier...NOPE! Still miserable! While I believe the past is important in shaping our personalities, morals, etc. and it's never a good idea to forget the lessons we've learned in the past in order to keep from repeating them in the future...dwelling on the past and rehashing all the terrible things you did while high/drunk/in withdrawal/whatever seems pointless and downright masochistic to be me, to be honest. Yes, I did bad things while I was in active addiction, yes I hurt people, and yes I regret a lot of things...but I'm trying to move on with my life and be an all around better person, why should my focus be on the past? Bringing up old shit just brings me down and makes me feel bad. Sure, maybe I need to feel bad about all the things addiction drove me to, but why do I need to be reminded nightly or weekly or whatever of how bad addiction made me? I think I should be focusing on ways to make tomorrow better, not how bad I fucked yesterday up. But that's just, like, my opinion man.

3 weeks today!! (yeah, that's right I'm not counting my one day, er more like half day, relapse...it's part of the process) 60mg is holding me perfectly throughout the day and I'm sleeping like a boss. Still having some stomach issues in the morning before I dose, but that's to be expected. Started taking some milk of magnesia with my morning coffee and that usually gets me going before my morning dose really starts kicking in. I've also been taking multi vitamins every day since I started methadone, probably the most regularly I've ever taken vitamins) and, maybe it's a placebo effect but, I feel great and I feel healthy. I've read that a lot of the alleged long-term methadone side effects people report (rotting teeth, weight gain, etc) is often-times more related to the lifestyle of the methadone user than the actual methadone itself. So, I'm trying to take care of myself. in general.

The bf and I's meteor dinner didn't happen as expected. One of my headlights has been out for the past couple of days and when I went to get a new bulb last night, I realized it wasn't the bulb..but an electrical issue, it seems. Luckily, I have a friend who's a "car guy" who can prob fix it for me, I just won't have a chance to get it to him till the weekend. So, since he lives too far to come pick me up, bring me down to the country where he lives for the picnic, drive me back to the city, and then head back home himself, he came up to the city and we had dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date. We even sat at the same table! We had a lovely time! We had dinner, a drink or two, followed by ice cream at a fancy smancy ice cream boutique place near me, and then snuggled on the couch at my house for an hour or so before he had to go. Truly a great night. I'm so happy we're back together. We're truly happier, and stronger than ever before. I hope we can keep it up! We've never been truly unhappy ever, tbh, but my addiction def strained us for some time. But now, things are awesome!

I wrote out this whole big thing about the issues I have with my bf's family (to summarize...they hate me bc I'm an addict), but it got lost when I tried to upload this post. Meh. I will share another time, I guess. Another issue I've been having, that I WILL retype, is that I haven't had a period in 3 months and I'm really worried about it. I'm not pregnant, first of all, before anyone asks, but I did have two periods in May (2 weeks apart), and then stopped all together. I'm not on bc and have always had irregular periods, but never no period for this long. I read that its fairly common on opiates, but I brought it up with my clinic dr and he said he thinks it's prob something else,,,that it isn't thaaaat common to lose your period on opiates. I have no health insurance and haven't been to the lady doctor in so long I'm embarrassed to even say how long its been, so I'm incredibly concerned. I'm going to need to go to planned parenthood soon if I don't get my period back soon. I prob should anyways...esp before Trump takes them all away.

Anyways, besides these issues, things are good. Still busy at work, still busy with friends...just started watching Game of Thrones for the first time (I'm late, I know!) and now I'm obsessed..so that's been my life after work lately. Much love, as usual, to all of the BL posters (and lurkers )

 

[aihfl]

LHL, some of the worst offenders I complained about are actually at the atheist/agnostic meeting, so it's no great shakes. I should have taken an Ativan before I went because between the meeting and my ex wife on Sunday, I came really close to drinking. In fact, I still have one of those cardboard boxes of .5 L wine and I sat and stared at it for a while before the instinct to drink it evaporated. Not only do people there have a tendency to hold forth for upwards of five minutes (and it's always the same circular bullshit everyone has spouted), I'm sick of every other utterance to be a four letter word. Not that I'm above swearing myself, but I scored in the 97th percentile on the GRE verbal and I have a vocabulary beyond shit, fuck, damn, asshole etc. The topic was suggested someone who had relapsed on prescription medication, a subject that always makes me bristle in meetings. When it came my turn to share, I said that medication keeps me sober and when I stop taking it is when I go off the rails. Some asshole got in my face about how he's bipolar (a dubious self-diagnosis) but refuses to take any medication out of principle and I came back at him and told him if he wants to be unmedicated bipolar like Monica on Shameless that was his stupidness. Everyone else just paraphrased what everyone else said, I go to meetings, I talk to my sponsor blah blah blabity blah blah blah and they took fucking five minutes to do it. I just sat there rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath the entire time. I don't think that's the effect meetings are supposed to have.

 

[hikfromstik]

Don't get me started on AA meetings. My parents made me go about 15 years ago for meth use . Our area is so rural that AA was the only option then . Now we have a NA too. The whole boring parliamentary like process wasnt for me . Most of the people in the meetings had been in them for 10 to 20+ years . They were dependent on meetings . They wouldn't go on trips without finding meetings or even go to a restaurant that served beer . They were basically still a prisoner of there addiction. One guy had a display with his sobriety tokens lined up and would bring it every meeting and talk down to the younger crowd about how we wouldn't understand until we hit the 5 year mark. I think our generation is changing things for the better . We are all like rehab rebels and we learned from the last generation what doesn't work ( forced rehab/meetings ). Not many users will quit drugs/alcohol until they are ready.
Ladyh, please get a checkup at a obgyn office. I don't know your age , but my sister at age 34 had cervical cysts. Luckily they were not malignant. Just like you , she had long intervals between periods. Our (men and women) reproductive health is usually the first sign something is wrong with our bodies . As good as your doing you sure don't want something in a few years sneak up on you and you say " I should have gone to the dr when I first noticed it " . I do know how you feel about doctors. I need to get a colonoscopy soon to put my mind at ease. I sure dread it too.

 

[jasperkent]

Sounds like some of y'all have been to some really shitty meetings. Yes, they are out there but they are not all like that. I had to shop around a bit before I found 3 or 4 that I really like (both AA and NA). Also, nowhere in AA literature is there any discouragement of taking medications as prescribed. People who say otherwise are simply ignorant-- and often chugging coffee and chain-smoking cigarettes while claiming to be %100 drug-free.

Peace&Love,
jasper

 

[aihfl]

Also, nowhere in AA literature is there any discouragement of taking medications as prescribed. People who say otherwise are simply ignorant-- and often chugging coffee and chain-smoking cigarettes while claiming to be %100 drug-free.

I'm finding at the few meetings I like, less and less people are smoking, so that's a positive development. Ironically, the meetings at the LGBTQ center are my favorite. Perhaps since they are also a marginalized community still, to some degree, people are much less dogmatic and preachy there. I like the vibe, even though I am straight as an arrow. Also, I'm on three scheduled psych meds that conventional wisdom says you would NEVER prescribe an addict, but my sponsor told me that was something between me and my doctor, not him or anyone else in AA. I don't shy away from openly talking about it in meetings because people need to know that psychiatric medications are an option and unfortunately, too many 12 steppers are stuck in the dark ages of medication = bad. When I'm on my antidepressants and feel good about myself and the world around me, I don't need to drink.

 

[ladyhlove]

HEYYY GUYS!! I completely passed a UA, for the first fucking time ever since being at my clinic. Idk what's going on, bc there was THC all up in that bitch, but I guess they decided to cut me some slack since that's all that was there, and I've really made a huge turnaround in the last 3 weeks and considered it a full-fledged pass. My counselor said that wasn't uncommon of them to do. Probably illegal, but my clinic's owned by a guy 2 years younger than me (i'm 32, in case anyone didn't know..so, he's pretty young to own a business, im pretty sure its a trustafarian kind of situation) so idk if he's just cooler about pot than most clinic owners or what, but I dig it. I always had something in my system before...alcohol sometimes (i get the test that can detect metabolites for up to 72 hours..etg or something similar to that), leftover opiates from my relapses, a benzo or two here or there..but this time it was thc and thc only so I PASSED. If I pass next month I get my first take home. If I keep passing, I'll continue getting more and more freedom. Shit, if only smoking weed=a UA pass, I'm totes down. I could give a shit less about putting down other drugs, even alcohol if i really had to, but pot is my medicine..esp being without opiates..on opiates, i could take or leave weed, but off them I want it again. I was surprised I didnt show alcohol metabolites, though. I had had 2 beers the night before the test. Though, another clinic patient and i were discussing it the other day and he noted that if you haven't been binging all week, only have a beer or two, then drink a lot of water after drinking/the next morning, most of those metabolites will be flushed out...that it can detect alcohol from up to 72 hours prior, but not that it always does...usually, in that case, if its still showing up that long after imbibing, you drank a fuck ton.

aihfl, LOVE that clip! KOTH is one of my favorites of all time, and you inspired me to binge a few episodes last night. I have the whole series torrented and on my external hard drive and it's my "feel good" show when I'm having a rough day. Cartoons in general are..something about the animation, the colors, the silliness of it all...makes my troubles melt away. Even "bothersome" stuff like south park (i fucking love south park, btw, insanely smart and hilarious still, even after all these years). It had been awhile, so thanks for reminding me of KOTH's greatness. Mike Judge has great social commentary in general in almost all of his productions (even beavis and butthead...at times, lol)

I'm gonna have to miss RR tonight because I'm having dinner with a friend I rarely get to see and it's important for me to get some time with him. I've been catching up with lots of old friends, in general, this week. Sunday, in my boredom I texted a number of people who i'm close friends with but haven't seen in a few weeks or, some, months even, about hanging out this week and, to my surprise, every single one of them wanted to get dinner or something with me this week so my schedule this week is packed. I'm even having to pack some friends in together (last night I had dinner with 3 of my old friends, who are also friends with each other fortunately, to make time for everyone). Since beginning methadone, I've been a bit of a homebody and, as i predicted, I began to get a little stir crazy. I like alone time, trust me, but I'm a social being and keeping busy with my friends is one of the things that makes me happy and makes me feel like I have a fulfilled life. Got boyfriend time this weekend , as well. Looks like weekends are gonna be a regular thing for us, from now on, until he can get out of his goddamned parents house and I can maybe come stay with him some weeknights when he gets his own place (right now, he works too far from my house to be able to stay over on weeknights, and his parents hate me so ican't stay with him). I love him, but jesus christ if this 32 year old fucking man doesn't move out of his parents house soon I'm going to fucking lose it. It'd be one thing if his family were cool...but they're fucking terrible. Racists, homophobes, sexists, everythingist Fox News watching Trump supporting rich assholes who think I'm the scum of the earth because i'm a drug addict (even though both his mother and father drink 2 bottles of wine or 10 glasses of scotch on the rocks each night, respectively). This has been an ongoing issue with us, probably one of the only ones actually, besides my drug use of course. I can't even bring it up with him anymore bc he gets so damned defensive about it. He claims he wants out too, that he hates it and hates the incredibly unhealthy environment that exists there (if i went into it, you guys wouldn't believe some of the shit this fucking crazy family does), but he's been saying this for the 2 years we;e been together without even trying to move elsewhere. Now, some things have happened (like 6 mos of unemployment for him) that prevented that during these 2 years, but now's the time..he's got a great job now and he needs to go. I've been very clear with him that i will NOT have a bf who lives at home in the year 2019, so he better act before then. We'll see what happens...

Still at 60 mg and it's still holding me alright. Last night I had the worst case of runny eyes/nose right around bedtime, but idk if that was caused by wd bc no other symptoms were present. Also, the intense heat/sweating from methadone has begun. Weirdly enough, though, I kind of enjoy it. I'm a strange bird, huh? I've always been super cold natured my whole life and have always needed a jacket and been uncomfortable in any place cooler than 75 degrees. Being in the south, in the summer businesses (and some people in their homes) blast the ac at like 65 degrees and, often wearing skimpy summer tank tops and shorts (hey, i may be 32, but I still got it so I still flaunt it ) I'm always incredibly uncomfortable everywhere I go and always have to bring a sweater with me. When I'm in wd, I get even more cold than usual and it's one of my most dreaded wd symptoms..i just can't warm up and it makes me miserable. Also, being cold makers me tired and incredibly unmotivated...so add that on top of the lack of motivation in wd and I'm a real piece of shit. However, not I'm warm all the time. I don't need a big bulgy grandma sweater in the office now..I can wear my cute summer office outfits as they should be worn and not being hidden under a giant sweater keeping me warm in fucking July. I also really like sweating. I always have. Most people hate it..and, while I don't like being smelly, to me sweating always makes me feel good..like im releasing toxins and bad shit from my body through sweating. I always feel refreshed after a good sweat session. So...no complaints here bc of it. I'm enjoying being like all the guys in my office and going 'is it hot in here?" while so many of the other women are shivering in their office sweaters.

Jesus, I ramble about the dumbest shit sometimes...like summer sweaters. lol Sorry guys. Anyways, life is great still...everything's good and I'm still knocking on wood that it doesn't all fall apart anytime soon. Happy hump day BL!

 

[aihfl]

When I was still doing the online dating thing a few years ago, one woman I went out with asked me if I own my own house. I was a bit taken aback, but I told her I did, and she said she's not interested in dating someone who's over 40 and doesn't own their own home because that's something you should have accomplished by that age. Ooooookkkk... I told her for the record, I bought my first house at 26. We went out a few times, but then I found someone I had more physical chemistry with. Too bad that person turned out to be a jealous, controlling psycho. I don't know what it is about me, but that's the type I always seem to end up with. Maybe the old maxim that men marry their mothers (my mother is certifiable and not in a good way) is really true. I wasn't married to the person I was just talking about, but it applies just as much to my ex-wife.

I wear a sweater more in the summer probably than I do in the winter. I leave it in the car, something I never do in the winter. You never know if the next building you enter has the thermostat set at "colder than a witch's tit."

I never had to take an ETG test (the one for metabolizes of booze) even after my DUI, but I was in rehab with a woman who got busted for DUI with her kid in the back seat and she had to pass a year's worth of ETG tests to get her kid back. She couldn't even use hand cleaner because it could produce a false positive. That would be a real conundrum for me, germaphobe that I am.

Glad all sounds positive in your life.

 

[Beenbetter]

Your kicking ass lady!! So glad for you. You have it in you to beat this shit easily it seems. I’d like to see you off the done as soon as possible but I know in my heart that is how relapses start. Do what you feel is best for you, and if staying on is best than that’s best.
I love reading your posts. You are so positive and honest. I’m happy you and your man are doing well. Things are going to all fall into place for you. I can feel it!! Lol hope it goes that way for me!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

When I was still doing the online dating thing a few years ago, one woman I went out with asked me if I own my own house. I was a bit taken aback, but I told her I did, and she said she's not interested in dating someone who's over 40 and doesn't own their own home because that's something you should have accomplished by that age. Ooooookkkk... I told her for the record, I bought my first house at 26. We went out a few times, but then I found someone I had more physical chemistry with. Too bad that person turned out to be a jealous, controlling psycho. I don't know what it is about me, but that's the type I always seem to end up with. Maybe the old maxim that men marry their mothers (my mother is certifiable and not in a good way) is really true. I wasn't married to the person I was just talking about, but it applies just as much to my ex-wife.

I wear a sweater more in the summer probably than I do in the winter. I leave it in the car, something I never do in the winter. You never know if the next building you enter has the thermostat set at "colder than a witch's tit."

I never had to take an ETG test (the one for metabolizes of booze) even after my DUI, but I was in rehab with a woman who got busted for DUI with her kid in the back seat and she had to pass a year's worth of ETG tests to get her kid back. She couldn't even use hand cleaner because it could produce a false positive. That would be a real conundrum for me, germaphobe that I am.

Glad all sounds positive in your life.

That's a really great story, man.

ladyh, can I ask why you aren't counting your using as a relapse and haven't let it reset your clean time?? Not criticising you, just want to understand your reasoning behind it. Also, don't worry about your physical symptoms - whenever I start subutex for a few days I'll have intense hot flashes no matter what the temperature is and start pouring with sweat, but when I'm honest with myself it's nothing more than a mild irritation and is incomparable to real withdrawals. You will adjust to the methadone and will be feeling fine in no time.

 

[hikfromstik]

Ladyh , you'll start to like fall and winter now since your hot natured now. I was hot natured before mmt , then it went into overdrive when I started it. Sleeveless shirts , sandels/flip flops, thin fabric clothing are some things that help in the hot weather . Your in a humid region, so just find what works best for you. I found that fall temperatures were my sweet spot . Methadone is so different than regular opiates on how it messes with the bodies natural thermometer. I would be hot at bedtime then shivering in the morning before my dose , then as soon as the meds hit I'd be back warm again .
It sounds like your boyfriends parents are keeping him under their lid . I hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too often ,especially with males .