Heheh...
Much Love!!
LOL...I wouldn't say that's always a bad thing. Some people have AWFUL intentions and it's good to not be caught off guard by people's terribleness. I DO feel like this time is different. Every time I think about relapsing, this time around, I think about it from a "im feeling pretty good every day and I don't want to fuck it up" kind of standpoint. I know if I relapse, my tolerance will go up and i'll have to readjust to the methadone, and I don't want to have to do that. Sure, one time might not mess it up, but I can never just keep it at "one time" and I know that. I was doing so well on suboxone, but once I started trying to "chip", the suboxone started not working as well for me until I started falling into massive, longer and longer, relapses. If I fuck it up this time, I don't know if I'll have another chance like this, I may require serious in-patient rehab that I can't afford and would probably ruin my job, relationship, life as I know it. Sure, maybe all of this is not as good of a reason as "im not going to relapse because i need the sober path", but it's working. Every "i should just use tonight, just this once" thought I have seems dumb to me at this point and a waste of money. Things in my life are going really well and I have these changes to attribute to everything being so wonderful...it would be the dumbest idea ever to mess this all up to feel that warm fuzzy high for a few hours. Weed does make me over think, and sometimes in a depressed way too, but I feel like sometimes that's the shit I need to think about sometimes in order to get my ass in gear. Also, I find that the more I smoke, the less I get those negative thoughts and I get much more used to the feeling over time. And, I totally agree about the AA/NA thing, I always found it stupid how they pick and chose what's ok to be "hooked on" (coffee yes, weed no, etc). Everyone has "something", whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, jesus, crossfit, yoga, their sports car, etc etc etc so I think that if it's something that isn't causing too much negativity on your life or health and isn't getting an unhealthy amount of attention from you, it's alright in my book.
We're both working from home tomorrow. No plans for the weekend, as of yet, but I'm sure I'll feel up to something. Much love and respect to you, always!
Happy to hear it! I haven't been able to go for several weeks because of work obligations and I really miss it.
LOL...I wouldn't say that's always a bad thing. Some people have AWFUL intentions and it's good to not be caught off guard by people's terribleness. I DO feel like this time is different. Every time I think about relapsing, this time around, I think about it from a "im feeling pretty good every day and I don't want to fuck it up" kind of standpoint. I know if I relapse, my tolerance will go up and i'll have to readjust to the methadone, and I don't want to have to do that. Sure, one time might not mess it up, but I can never just keep it at "one time" and I know that. I was doing so well on suboxone, but once I started trying to "chip", the suboxone started not working as well for me until I started falling into massive, longer and longer, relapses. If I fuck it up this time, I don't know if I'll have another chance like this, I may require serious in-patient rehab that I can't afford and would probably ruin my job, relationship, life as I know it. Sure, maybe all of this is not as good of a reason as "im not going to relapse because i need the sober path", but it's working. Every "i should just use tonight, just this once" thought I have seems dumb to me at this point and a waste of money. Things in my life are going really well and I have these changes to attribute to everything being so wonderful...it would be the dumbest idea ever to mess this all up to feel that warm fuzzy high for a few hours. Weed does make me over think, and sometimes in a depressed way too, but I feel like sometimes that's the shit I need to think about sometimes in order to get my ass in gear. Also, I find that the more I smoke, the less I get those negative thoughts and I get much more used to the feeling over time. And, I totally agree about the AA/NA thing, I always found it stupid how they pick and chose what's ok to be "hooked on" (coffee yes, weed no, etc). Everyone has "something", whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, jesus, crossfit, yoga, their sports car, etc etc etc so I think that if it's something that isn't causing too much negativity on your life or health and isn't getting an unhealthy amount of attention from you, it's alright in my book.
RR was GREAT, guys! I think I've found my home. The meeting opened up with about 20 min of meditation..you're supposed to bring your own pillow but I don't have one so i'll have to put it on the shopping list. The meditation was so relaxing...I really enjoyed the peace and quiet of it all. The remaining hour or so consisted of some inspirational speeches by the group's leaders, not so much about drugs but more about personal struggles in general, and a few members sharing updates on their sobriety, if they wanted to. Everyone there seemed really cool, definitely more alternative of a crowd..tattoos, hipsters, etc. (my kinda people). I didn't speak this time, and I didn't talk to anyone..I kind of just observed. Next week I want to get there early and introduce myself to the leaders of the group and maybe stand up and introduce myself to the whole group as well. I'm not shy by any means, I just didn't get there till right as soon as the meeting began and I didn't really know the protocol at RR for introductions. I can't wait to learn and experience more next week! There's another RR group not too far from me that meets on Thursdays so I could even start doing both if I feel up to it.
Still at 60mg, btw. Feeling like I'm there, dose wise. I didn't wake up sick this morning, woke up feeling normal. I'm eating well, sleeping well, and feeling good in general. I have a good amount of motivation during the day (with the help of coffee!) and I'm able to relax and enjoy my boyfriend's company when I get home. He's been trying to get me to binge Game of Thrones to get caught up, so we've been doing that after work. Smoking herbs, lots of sex, ordering takeout, Game of Thrones, and a nice microbrew or two...that's been our week..it's been nice
Ashley (I don't know how to "quote" multiple people in a reply...I'm too lazy to anyways, lol): THANK YOU, BABE! You are just the sweetest thing! I hope your quit is going as well as mine has lately!
...And much love and respect to all my other BLers in the struggle
...but let me back up for a moment here.,. so Saturday, my curiosity (more like MY ADDICTION) got the best of me and I ended up taking my Sunday take home (making it 120mg of methadone total instead of my usual 60mg). I did this because I wanted to see what a higher dose felt like and if it gave me more relief (or more negative side effects) than my current, fairly moderate, dose. I probably also did it because I'm an addict and I wanted to see if I could actually get high off methadone. Turns out, I can't...well I didn't anyways. In fact, it didn't really feel much different than the 60mg except I became dreadfully tired..like couldn't keep my eyes open tired. And it wasn't even like a fun, euphoric nod out kind of tired, it just felt like I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before or something. Totally wasn't worth wasting my Sunday meds for. So, even though I woke up feeling fine on Sunday morning, I decided to use bc I didn't have any methadone, I just had my monthly UA for the clinic and won't be tested again for a few weeks, and bc I'm an idiot. Well, I bought a reeeeally small bag (less than a half gram, more like a quarter of a gram) and did an amount that should've had me feeling something, but nothing. I did more, still nothing. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel high or even good...just normal, no matter how much I did. While it was a relief to not get sick yesterday, I feel like I probably wouldn't have gotten sick anyways since I had a large amount of methadone in me from Sat. on top of 3 weeks worth of daily methadone use built up in my system. So, I feel like the money I spent (which wasn't much, thankfully) was a huge waste and all using did was end my fairly impressive "dope free" streak of almost 3 weeks. I'm a big "Bright Side" kind of gal, though, so I'm trying to see this for what it is. I learned that more methadone does not equal more euphoria or even any euphoria at all...just a level of sleepiness that's not even very enjoyable. I also learned that methadone does a GREAT JOB at blocking the feel goods from dope (or any other full agonist, for that matter I assume) and using dope while on methadone is a waste of money, a waste of time (spent like an hour of my day getting the shit too!), and an unnecessary risk to me legally as I drive around with this drug that is VERY MUCH A FELONY. I'd read up on all of this..I knew that any dose over 50mg will block the euphoria from other full agonists...I knew that taking more methadone would probably not get me high, but would increase negative side effects...but I still did it anyways. My dad has always told me that I'm one of those people who has to learn my lessons the hard way....that warnings/advice/etc are never enough, I need to experience the consequences of my actions to truly understand the effects of my behavior...and, well, lesson learned this time. I definitely won't be repeating any of those actions again. I'm actually really glad I'm on methadone vs. suboxone; on suboxone, "breaking through" my dose on suboxone was always incredibly easy, no matter how high of a sub dose I was on, especially at night once it had worn off some. With methadone, using becomes incredibly pointless (no matter how much I try to "break through"). I know learning some self discipline is important because I won't always have methadone to block dope, but its nice to have right now while I'm still emotionally weak and am working on myself and my addiction. So yeah, I fucked up..but, I learned a lot, so I consider it kinda worth it. Relapse is part of recovery, but I'm not planning on making it part of my recovery from here on out ever again.