4 weeks without Heroin. Now as my name says lets attack the crack

[Lawless69]

So my finanee msde an argument a soon as we woke uo monday. So i knew she'd be going back to her house that day and she did. Then decided to block me on everything after takijg 50 pounds off me i lost over 100 being scammed. My banks looking into it. Takes weemdms ugh
So yea sbout 30 hours no contact ive tried. Shes highly jealous even of my daughter whonsaw her textd im being nice tekking her iblive her etc erc n hher repky is oh Lawleymss CRACK on with it what ever your doing #blocked
Just like that. It hurts that through thick and thin, weve always stuck together getting stranded and having a heart attack eith no money n no travel insurance in Amsterdam. Sleeping in Amsterdam Streete in February frozen. Getting arrested as a couple out drinking again stuck together and imit git dropped. I adore her n she did me and fir her to be abke to block ab walk away when im dking so well hurts. Day 2 smoking the shit and payday money gies in the bank 9pm tomorrow.
What a difference a day makes my blond big huge boobs blue eyes lady
Wish i and had more positive uodate guys
And the depression and feeling unwanted and used is more than enough to pull myself tk bits over.
Probably hasnt helped i was telling one of the scammers other day about my health n for last few years i want ti spoil my daughter make good memories, before blocking me the cunt took pleasure in telling ne inhad been scammed amd i should hurry up and die an that he hopes its very soon.
What a wanker vile peice of shit

 

[Jabberwocky]

Om sorry to hear that. Hope you dont make it worst as others will respond to your actions. It's easier to snowball back to all day, every day use at the moment. Its normal, yore just starting and life has problems. But if you want to snowball into better directions this are the chances to make that changes. Unfortunately it is how it goes. Even when you stop life will not be all roses and sunshine. It will be easier than it is now, but life has it's problems as you know. Drugs or no drugs... But it is certainly more manageable without drugs. Hope you have an easier day and hear from your fiancee.

 

[Lawless69]

Om sorry to hear that. Hope you dont make it worst as others will respond to your actions. It's easier to snowball back to all day, every day use at the moment. Its normal, yore just starting and life has problems. But if you want to snowball into better directions this are the chances to make that changes. Unfortunately it is how it goes. Even when you stop life will not be all roses and sunshine. It will be easier than it is now, but life has it's problems as you know. Drugs or no drugs... But it is certainly more manageable without drugs. Hope you have an easier day and hear from your fiancee

Hi @Sunyecho hope all is well with you and loved ones pal. It certainly drills home to put your loved onrs first. Mu daughters still at my house she asked for a new jacket two weeks ago ani said whrm6 in next paid sure ok. My daughter has expensive taste but that's down to me an her mum. So yea its blazing hot sunshine in the the two hottest months we get n shes wanying a £100 jacket lol okay, so my money goes in my bank at 9pm
Wednesday for Thursday (love online banking lol) and i know tht with the 100 gone n couple of £20 debts ill be broke again buy Sunday then come then 10 painful worst days of every month then m6 disability £ comes the piint im making although rambling is. About putting them you lovw 1st id probably make that hundred last 4 mayve 5 days but the fact i brought that girl into the world she shouldn't have to want n go without like i did, she is the only person who can judge me on earth n the only one whos opinion means every thing.
So i found a new plug last night 10 mins from mine n wow cannot believe it he old in his laye 50s probably esrly 60s amd the white onky comes in 20s or 3 for 50 ovee weight n so so strong! I cannot remember the last time smoking white made my lios n mouth numb jeeez its like the rock i used to get in the city 01/02 time. Not great to fid at this point but of you're going to waste your money on the shit id say its better to buy quality 110%

Herd from my ex telling me how she cnt just fall out of live etc. Me too it shouldn't be a constant battle. But shes good for me. Dont do drugs has the odd spliff. Well end up making uo no doubt but always seems like when she is broke i dno maybe over thinking it.
Well for once sine good luck my bank are lookinf into the fruad to get mt 100 nodd pounds back and bcoz i spoke to a plonker with no customer service skills none i made a complaint already in a bad mood thid guy made it worse inclination that its my fault n I wasn't covered dtc when in fact iam. So the manager has run to say hes being reprimanded and as gesture of good will tbey are creditinv my account with 80 pounds in the next two days. Nice,
Hiws your day good i hope. May i ask if yku still use anything @Sunyecho if so what do you use my friend? Just interested is all

 

[Jabberwocky]

I am dependent on benzos (20-30mg diazepam daily) and started kratom for pain issues 2 weeks ago. Kratom will go in ~3 months time when it stops giving me pain relief. I don't want to use street drugs anymore. I mean, I would like to but I will not cause the trouble they bring downstream. I wouldn't even use kratom if my idiotic doctor would prescribe tapentadol or even codeine for pain. Also, when I stop kratom I will use pregabalin for month or so. Just stopped (month of two ago) Concerta prescribed for adhd. So I guess no illegal street drugs, but I'm not sober at the same time. Trying to use drugs to improve my life not to make it worse. But it's a battle still.

 

[Lawless69]

I am dependent on benzos (20-30mg diazepam daily) and started kratom for pain issues 2 weeks ago. Kratom will go in ~3 months time when it stops giving me pain relief. I don't want to use street drugs anymore. I mean, I would like to but I will not cause the trouble they bring downstream. I wouldn't even use kratom if my idiotic doctor would prescribe tapentadol or even codeine for pain. Also, when I stop kratom I will use pregabalin for month or so. Just stopped (month of two ago) Concerta prescribed for adhd. So I guess no illegal street drugs, but I'm not sober at the same time. Trying to use drugs to improve my life not to make it worse. But it's a battle still.

Sounds like overall you're winning the battle though bud! I love diazepam and have gone up to and over 100mg a day for weeks on end but never had anu WD when ceasing use its mad i dont know how. I brought 50 boxes of bensadin 10mg diazepam in January thid year to make a few quid. I ended up eating 40 boxes myself ffs fsr to moreish for me. Hats off to you for being able to stay on a lowish dose.
Never had kratom mate ive never saw nor heard of it before joining BL. But i agree with the pre gablin, tbey are a very useful tool for deoxing fron any drug. Greay for knocking you to sleep.

Yeah ykur better off eothout the street drugs at least prescribed drugs are slightly easier to keep under control. Its till a daily struggle tho. Hat off to you mate

 

[Lawless69]

I am dependent on benzos (20-30mg diazepam daily) and started kratom for pain issues 2 weeks ago. Kratom will go in ~3 months time when it stops giving me pain relief. I don't want to use street drugs anymore. I mean, I would like to but I will not cause the trouble they bring downstream. I wouldn't even use kratom if my idiotic doctor would prescribe tapentadol or even codeine for pain. Also, when I stop kratom I will use pregabalin for month or so. Just stopped (month of two ago) Concerta prescribed for adhd. So I guess no illegal street drugs, but I'm not sober at the same time. Trying to use drugs to improve my life not to make it worse..

Simce my last ret my £50 compensation has fone in while im broke waiting for money to be available at 9pm via my bank. Now tbe arguments last night and pokice at my dkkr this morning was ajd wow

Shit so there was huge commotion at my dealer neighbours who live in same block so hesr every thinf she had her female friend amy over beem a few nighys us 3 have sat n smoked the early hkurs away.
So about 1am i hear banging my daughter comes to me sounded lime police going thrubher door tbh but then a man shohts "Amy u slag ya think you can fuck me and another man behind my 8back, watch n watch what i do to yojre car"
BANG BANG BANG some more n more shouting. Id rsn my neighbour n shd played it down yea it amys bf kicking off itd ok he will go soon n he did,
(amys a very pretty 26 year ols ddivds a newish audi A1. She will sell herself or favours for money/drugs, deffo not wifsy material but a good friend) like me she is also going to die ykung we have a deep connection bcoz of this. Her liver failure alonf with mt heart failure n otber problems. So next door knocms on "Have u herd about Amy"
Dossnt sound good... NO WHY?
ledr here last night its in our newspaper a mile up roadd on a dual carriage way something happened to make her lose control of her audi breaks xut or just maybe the rumour about slashed5tyfes is true shes lost it and hit by a HGV from behind and is seriously poorly in intensive care fukkkk amy cmon girl fight. The night's we spe t talking she is so scades to die unlike me she hasnt accepted it not at all. So shes mentally suffering more so than she shoumd. Onky 3 weeks ago sjes start3smoming H swapping codine shes prescribed. Every time i see her i try tell her 1st crack now crack heroin and mamba. I think she's was on a suicide mission. But this was /is deffo something that the prick that came shouting has done. Pray for Amy today guys as iam

 

[Lawless69]

Ive been sent a photo of of the crash her cars veered to tbe left and nto a stationery hgv. Its not looking good at all poor Amy

 

[Jabberwocky]

Im sorry for your friend. Hope she makes it.

 

[Lawless69]

Me too @Sunyecho me too mate!..

Currently smoking weed got 3 for 20 about 8pm about half left enjoying the weed more tbh and reminiscing about the 17 great happy clean years i lived from 19 up to 36. Tbh this whole relapse started about 2 and a half years ago and ive only been only the calss As for 4 months at most daily n dabbling about 9 months now.
How i wish id of recognised amd done something about it. Yeah aftdd the drs stoped my oxys id find them. So rare in the uk ive never saw nor heard of fakes. My disabled friend used to charve £1 per mg so like 50 quid for say 3 z 20mg shortec instant release
Fsr too expensive. I blagge another dr back on both short n long release for around 3 months id run out 2 weeks in n buy diazepam xanax anything ome day afted been of fentanyl sn oxys a couple of months i brought subitex to snort. My worst idea yet. I was smashed nodding fir hours. Carried on dabbling eventually as always i brought crack n nedded H to come down n here iam a slave to druvs once again. Its made me think a lot todsy about my own mortality. It does when these things happen. It's normal to do so i think

 

[Lawless69]

So its friday afternoon im feelimg so poorly 2nd day but it'll use this to my advantage bcoz i dont even really wamt a cigarette never mind anything else. Feel deathly, my fiancee is on her way to me. So were point blank having none. Im goin to give her my pipe to dispose of when she gets hrre. Any thing to do wth crack makes me want ti throw up n i have 3 time's easier.
Sooo here we go im ready AGAIN. iam seriously fed up with the whole lifestyle n every thing around drugs,
Typing this has actually made me feel like im going to throw up some more.
So if i tell my self it's d the r crack this should help bcoz im not thinking mmm thay nice tasting n up high hit
Now am thinking of inhaleing the smoke n puking everywhere n feeling so bad fatigue weak no appetite.
Lets do this. Cant get lower than iam n while ive got my gfs backing im going to do it and see it through

 

[Lawless69]

So its friday afternoon im feelimg so poorly 2nd day but it'll use this to my advantage bcoz i dont even really wamt a cigarette never mind anything else. Feel deathly, my fiancee is on her way to me. So were point blank having none. Im goin to give her my pipe to dispose of when she gets hrre. Any thing to do wth crack makes me want ti throw up n i have 3 time's easier.
Sooo here we go im ready AGAIN. iam seriously fed up with the whole lifestyle n every thing around drugs,
Typing this has actually made me feel like im going to throw up some more.
So if i tell my self it's d the r crack this should help bcoz im not thinking mmm thay nice tasting n up high hit
Now am thinking of inhaleing the smoke n puking everywhere n feeling so bad fatigue weak no appetite.
Lets do this. Cant get lower than iam n while ive got my gfs backing im going to do it and see it through

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

So its friday afternoon im feelimg so poorly 2nd day but it'll use this to my advantage bcoz i dont even really wamt a cigarette never mind anything else. Feel deathly, my fiancee is on her way to me. So were point blank having none. Im goin to give her my pipe to dispose of when she gets hrre. Any thing to do wth crack makes me want ti throw up n i have 3 time's easier.
Sooo here we go im ready AGAIN. iam seriously fed up with the whole lifestyle n every thing around drugs,
Typing this has actually made me feel like im going to throw up some more.
So if i tell my self it's d the r crack this should help bcoz im not thinking mmm thay nice tasting n up high hit
Now am thinking of inhaleing the smoke n puking everywhere n feeling so bad fatigue weak no appetite.
Lets do this. Cant get lower than iam n while ive got my gfs backing im going to do it and see it through

Good luck again man, it's a;ways the way with crack innit though...full of regret and promises to stop in the acute-disgust phase...and then a few days later the story changes...write down how you feel now about it and pin it to the fkin wall bro

 

[Lawless69]

Good luck again man, it's a;ways the way with crack innit though...full of regret and promises to stop in the acute-disgust phase...and then a few days later the story changes...write down how you feel now about it and pin it to the fkin wall bro

Great idea mate thanks for that iam goin to write down exactly how in Feelin its nasty as if my bodys trying to expel the shit as soon as it goes in me. Its that bad i cant even hold the smoje it bcoz im heaving with loads of siliver coming up into my mouth. Its a waste of life, health money, morals, looks money, money money.. relationships so so many cons and can anyone remind me what the pros are
° high that lasts 3-5 mins
° paranoia
° skint°
°unwell
°unhealthy
° losing morals
° putting crack forst before anything
° looking gaunt pale n weight loss
° losing loved ones
° lying /deceitful to use
° shkt sleep pattern
° eating and appetite loss

And thats off the top of my head can't think of a single pro
Says it all tbh..

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Great idea mate thanks for that iam goin to write down exactly how in Feelin its nasty as if my bodys trying to expel the shit as soon as it goes in me. Its that bad i cant even hold the smoje it bcoz im heaving with loads of siliver coming up into my mouth. Its a waste of life, health money, morals, looks money, money money.. relationships so so many cons and can anyone remind me what the pros are
° high that lasts 3-5 mins
° paranoia
° skint°
°unwell
°unhealthy
° losing morals
° putting crack forst before anything
° looking gaunt pale n weight loss
° losing loved ones
° lying /deceitful to use
° shkt sleep pattern
° eating and appetite loss

And thats off the top of my head can't think of a single pro
Says it all tbh..

Write this with a black sharpie on a piece of paper and stick it on your fridge. Read the words every time you go into the kitchen. Read it as often as you can. If you can convince yourself that crack is ruining you and stealing your life then maybe you can get to hating it just a bit. And when you start to hate it enough you will stop wanting it so much. I know that sounds kind of hokey pokey but it really is mind over matter if you let it be.

 

[Lawless69]

Write this with a black sharpie on a piece of paper and stick it on your fridge. Read the words every time you go into the kitchen. Read it as often as you can. If you can convince yourself that crack is ruining you and stealing your life then maybe you can get to hating it just a bit. And when you start to hate it enough you will stop wanting it so much. I know that sounds kind of hokey pokey but it really is mind over matter if you let it be.

Thanks that's a great idea n i just happen to have a black sharpe pen to do this with. Thats how i managed to stay clean 17 uears just little things like this to get you to HATE whichever vice it may be!

The fact i was clean of both for 17 years shatters me every morning when i open my eyes knowing i can do it bcoz i have so wby can't i break the f**king cycle. So sickening. Yes im goin to write these down now. Thank matey. Appreciate your help.

Ive also just worked out this week monday to today friday I've spent between £800-900 makes me sick. Only thimgs other than white ive purchased eith that are electric and tobacco FFS!!
Bank account is at £0.00 until a week Wednesday now n i ha e an 8th if nice star dawg and mt bacca

 

[Lawless69]

Over 30 hours done. Feeling so positive not had any bad cravings i cant control not today! I feel im getting stronger n have already beaten this subconsciously. Its a good feeling i know big ups n downs to come. But the 17years experience being clean ive done i know what's coming. Hardest parts staying clean with a dealer so close. Ive really distanced myself on purpose & had my girl round. My partner dosent like her and isn't afraid of showing or saying so. Shes gve her ome warning about not selling to me no more whike i was asleep this morning. To which dhe agreed. Ok moving now im at my drug councillor monday n drug dr so can get the letter for my local authorities n get the ball rolling.

I really feel like ive broken the cycle and im feeling positive about the future. Also when im not under thr influence of that shit i can see 100 percent. Therfore mu posts my sense
Cringe lol....

Have a blessed evening guys, im off to roll a joint and get feet up. Eaten 4 meals alot of munchies sweets crisps. Had a nap drank plenty of water everything how it should be. Detoxification

 

[Lawless69]

We wentnthrewbmy pipe in a public bin last night too which ive not done in forever. Was hard m triggering but now it's gone ive not had a bad craving all day im in control and the ONLY way i can take control is total abstinence

That fires burning deep inside

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done mate. it took me like 6 months to throw my pipe away. its symbolic somehow.

 

[Lawless69]

well done mate. it took me like 6 months to throw my pipe away. its symbolic somehow.

It is sonehow it breaks tve chalkles in your brain. I feel free. 4th day clean obly minor cravings. Feeling like ive turned a corner n beaten it the 1st time in months n months ive woken up happy n not thinking straight about drugs n the state of my life etc im happy and I've got a drugs tests today with my drugs team n im telling the close ppl that im doin gteatand got a drugs test tomorrow for my mum to comew bk with all the different ways i could get around it (that dont work n already been done) claiming that id get my misses to pee init. Dont know how id do that for one n two my partner DOES NOT take methadone or smoke cigs never mind weed i do all three so how usin her pee would work al that would achieve is gettin me kicked off the methadone program bcoz none in her pee (me)
So even tho im doing amazing the best ive done i think this is it 99.9% sure no goin back no slips no lies. My fiancee obviously can see the change as we know each other intimately. And im excited to get a double negative heroin n crack n show a few ppl its a shame my daughter n mums bin talking n seem to think im nit telkung the truth. Which makes no sense bcoz i never lie about my useage!!
But ill carry on n thry will see whsm they next see me. Mt daughter will be round in the coming days a n im looking better day by day adding weight n looking the old healthy me. And here at bluelight we know im on the wagon by my eyes n spelling i can see so my posts mske alit more sense.
Snoking my last joint of lime key pie n goin my drugs pkace n for test at 4pm then gonna grab another 8th bud n come home n chill n another day done.

All the shit towards the end i needed all that i needed to hit rock bottom to enable me to climb back out n im climbing incan see thd light. Thanks to everyone for your support so far my heart head especially my poorly heart thanks you!!
I WILL continue tobwin this battle my strength is comin back in force

 

[Lawless69]

Day 5!!!
.no pipes none!!
Some bad cravings this morning but i remember from the 17 yrs clean a craving only lasts for how long u let it amd only goes as far as youre thoughts let it. Wether that be going to score n relapse or nnot feeding that thought and carrying on with my day.
A morning of ceavings which ive beaten and feeling accomplished by doing so. Git some Runtz weed 1 /8th last night really stinky sugary/fruity almost sickly sugary coulds of smoke that leave you in a dreamy haze makes things like seeing youre drug worker and a food shopping at my local supermarket alot more fun
So im currently waiting for the better half in the shower and off to the chemist N supermarket and my daughter
( Leesh - not as in dog Leesh before anyone asks me as in Aleesha.. Leesh ) So yeah an afternoon and evening with my finance beautiful daughter im clean winning the battle have put 7lb back on in 5 days thur far my appetite has skyrocketed with the help of my favourite herb & little helper.
Todays little helper is brought to you from... Runtz
Aka Zkittles X Gelato.... Both these are in my top ten so by breeding them,

Runtz is stupidly stinking Dankness. soaring high n lasts for a good few hours. Complete opposite to the nasty chemicals that are crack.
Pass me the herb any day. Gna buy 4 oz nect week and reignite my little green empire so to speak....

Winning, esrly days but winning
thank you for taking the time to read so far