Urbain
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2008
- Messages
- 3,082
roffle!
-
🇬🇧 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
European & African
Drug Discussion
Welcome Guest!
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules -
EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari
3 most shameful things that you have ever done, in order!!!
- Thread starter Mugz
- Start date
- Status
roffle!
Shambles
Bluelight Crew
Far to dark for me to even contemplate the answers, I could give some superficial list but it wouldn't be the truth![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
This. Precisely this
The vast majority of both those that I've got the balls to own up to and those I can't - even semi-anonymously - are smack/crack related though. In no particular order: frequently and repeatedly stealing from friends who'd done me more favours than I could ever repay, nodding so hard throughout most of me lil brother's funeral I barely remember a moment of it, giving several good friends their first IV smack experience (in my defence they'd generally been smoking on and off for a while and were gonna do it anyway and probably do themselves a nasty... poor excuse perhaps... or not) and generally being the very definition of a junky scumbag for many years. Or more to the point, being the very definition of a decent enough fella who got horrendously addicted to Class A's he couldn't even begin to afford, perhaps...
Junky stuff aside, I did feel a bit grotty deciding that the Occasional Mrs Shambles' geebee-induced lack of consciousness was no reason to not finish the sexact(s) in progress cos I got bored waiting for her to come round. Kinda like rapey necrophilia only warmer and with explicit consent.
i against i
Bluelighter
^see thats a good fuckin list. what's all this "oh no, possibly couldnt utter a word of my mischief, but i assure you, it's bad" tittilation?! backstabbings, thefts, rapes, i'm gonna feel so superior
BecomingJulie
Bluelight Crew
I don't quite know how many things this story counts as. Maybe it's lots of separate shameful incidents, maybe it's all just one huge mess-up from start to finish. Either way, it adds weight to the idea that it is the things you didn't do that you regret the worst. But anyway, there's this -- well, she's not a little girl anymore, she's a young woman now .....
The world was a different place seventeen years ago. There simply wasn't the support available for people with gender and sexuality issues that there is today. So people had to deal with things in their own way. This is not to say I didn't mess up big-style; only that I honestly didn't know, at the time, that there was any other way it could have ended up. My way of dealing with it was to throw myself into my assigned-at-birth gender, in the hope that I would somehow outgrow the thoughts I had that I wanted to be a woman. I did not consider for a moment that the problem might not be my own reaction to my assigned maleness, but actually my assigned maleness itself.
And so, in the summer of 1995, the thoroughly-masculine me -- because I thought that was what men did, and therefore what I would have to do to properly be a man -- ended up taking a really stupid risk with a woman.
We lost touch shortly afterwards. Then, in the spring of 1998, I regained contact with her -- and discovered that she had a two-year-old daughter.
We both knew she was sleeping with other people at the time, which was a big part of why we lost touch, and she thought the father was someone else. I never pushed the issue. I told myself that (1) if she ever asked, I would take a paternity test and (2) whatever the outcome, I would do whatever was expected of me -- either my own fatherly duties, or the honourable thing as a gentleman and persuade the real father to pull his weight. But I refused to be the first to ask. Because if I took a DNA test, neither result was particularly favourable. If I was the father, my life would be changed suddenly. If I was not the father, finding that out would be a crushing disappointment. If she had asked me, of course I would have taken the test, in a heartbeat. But she never asked.
We spent the summer of '98 together, the three of us. Did things together like a proper family. I pushed the little girl on the swings in the park, called her "princess", blew raspberries on her belly till she burst out laughing, praised her when she went in the toilet and scolded her when she drew on the walls with make-up. I had a job, and the mother had ways of bringing in a bit of money. I had a friend with a daughter a little bit older than hers, and they often played together. If she had asked me, I would have adopted the girl, got married if we had to, even. But again, I didn't dare ask. Either way, the outcome would have been scary: being officially a family was a hell of a lot different from just playing at it, and what if she said "no"? So I kidded myself that I was going to let her be a strong, free, independent woman, not put pressure on her, and tried to pretend I wasn't relieved when she did not mention it. After three years without a set, I bought a TV so they could watch their favourite programmes.
By winter, the strong, free, independent woman had moved on. And though we would meet up occasionally and exchange phone calls, and perhaps Christmas cards, the contact became less and less frequent as the years went by. Again, I told myself she was making her own decisions, and her own f*(k-ups; I had my own s#!t to deal with.
Now, that little girl -- who was still in primary school the last time I saw her -- is a f*(ked-up young woman into drink, drugs and petty crime. She is probably never going to get the chance to go to university, and will be lucky to get even a dead-end job. Owning her own home? Not likely.
Of course, so many things could have gone wrong with my vision of us as the perfect family with the perfect polite, intelligent, pretty daughter. We could have split up, I could have lost my job, she could still have ended up in trouble, her having a tranny pervert freak for a dad might have made it all worse ..... there are just so many ways that it could have ended badly. But back in the idyllic summer of 1998, anything seemed possible. I will never know, now, just what might have happened, if only I had not been too cowardly to ask one simple, little question.
The world was a different place seventeen years ago. There simply wasn't the support available for people with gender and sexuality issues that there is today. So people had to deal with things in their own way. This is not to say I didn't mess up big-style; only that I honestly didn't know, at the time, that there was any other way it could have ended up. My way of dealing with it was to throw myself into my assigned-at-birth gender, in the hope that I would somehow outgrow the thoughts I had that I wanted to be a woman. I did not consider for a moment that the problem might not be my own reaction to my assigned maleness, but actually my assigned maleness itself.
And so, in the summer of 1995, the thoroughly-masculine me -- because I thought that was what men did, and therefore what I would have to do to properly be a man -- ended up taking a really stupid risk with a woman.
We lost touch shortly afterwards. Then, in the spring of 1998, I regained contact with her -- and discovered that she had a two-year-old daughter.
We both knew she was sleeping with other people at the time, which was a big part of why we lost touch, and she thought the father was someone else. I never pushed the issue. I told myself that (1) if she ever asked, I would take a paternity test and (2) whatever the outcome, I would do whatever was expected of me -- either my own fatherly duties, or the honourable thing as a gentleman and persuade the real father to pull his weight. But I refused to be the first to ask. Because if I took a DNA test, neither result was particularly favourable. If I was the father, my life would be changed suddenly. If I was not the father, finding that out would be a crushing disappointment. If she had asked me, of course I would have taken the test, in a heartbeat. But she never asked.
We spent the summer of '98 together, the three of us. Did things together like a proper family. I pushed the little girl on the swings in the park, called her "princess", blew raspberries on her belly till she burst out laughing, praised her when she went in the toilet and scolded her when she drew on the walls with make-up. I had a job, and the mother had ways of bringing in a bit of money. I had a friend with a daughter a little bit older than hers, and they often played together. If she had asked me, I would have adopted the girl, got married if we had to, even. But again, I didn't dare ask. Either way, the outcome would have been scary: being officially a family was a hell of a lot different from just playing at it, and what if she said "no"? So I kidded myself that I was going to let her be a strong, free, independent woman, not put pressure on her, and tried to pretend I wasn't relieved when she did not mention it. After three years without a set, I bought a TV so they could watch their favourite programmes.
By winter, the strong, free, independent woman had moved on. And though we would meet up occasionally and exchange phone calls, and perhaps Christmas cards, the contact became less and less frequent as the years went by. Again, I told myself she was making her own decisions, and her own f*(k-ups; I had my own s#!t to deal with.
Now, that little girl -- who was still in primary school the last time I saw her -- is a f*(ked-up young woman into drink, drugs and petty crime. She is probably never going to get the chance to go to university, and will be lucky to get even a dead-end job. Owning her own home? Not likely.
Of course, so many things could have gone wrong with my vision of us as the perfect family with the perfect polite, intelligent, pretty daughter. We could have split up, I could have lost my job, she could still have ended up in trouble, her having a tranny pervert freak for a dad might have made it all worse ..... there are just so many ways that it could have ended badly. But back in the idyllic summer of 1998, anything seemed possible. I will never know, now, just what might have happened, if only I had not been too cowardly to ask one simple, little question.
badandwicked
Bluelighter
Wow Julie 
Shambles
Bluelight Crew
That is all.
badandwicked
Bluelighter
If she's troubled, not knowing who her father is probably plays a part. Would it be opening a pandoras box if you could find the courage to approach her mother, just to test the water? I know its very complicated. But you could run a DNA test without her ever even knowing, and it would maybe help you find a bit of peace on the matter one way or another. If you're not her dad you may feel liberated, if you are you could take it from there? Such a difficult one, its late and I don't know if what I just wrote is fanciful nonsense. I know real life isn't as easy as me tapping away on a keyboard 
You didn't post asking for suggestions, so I'm sorry if this is inappropriate.
You didn't post asking for suggestions, so I'm sorry if this is inappropriate.
knock
Bluelighter
BecomingJulie, thanks! So many questions but I can barely keep my eyes open!
That wasn't my intention at all, but the things I've done that when i think about them I feel really ashamed would take a 3 page post of background info to make any sense at all....."superior" that's about as far from how I feel about myself as you could get
The question was "most shameful" hence my response, if it had been list 3 shameful things you've done I'd still be working on the short list
YellowPolkaDotHalo
Ex-Bluelighter
I just mustered up the courage to read some of the threads leading up to my getting banned. I am at a loss for words. I really dont know what to say. Its humiliating and I feel like curling up in a little ball with shame. I was arrogant, confrontational, nonsensical, and out of control.
Fucking hell! I am so sorry.. sincerely to everyone. I want you to know that I'm not normally like that. I was taking loads of MXE to come off the Tramadol. I know I've put that out there before. I'm not trying to blame the drugs for the episode I just want you to understand I was quite literally in a different world for about a month. Ok i suppose I am trying to blame it.. its all Tramadol and MXEs fault! :D*
Gah!
8( ..Not really I put them in my mouth and knew I was high as a kite, cant say I didnt enjoy it at times but I was totally disconnected from this reality and to be honest I'm trying to pick up the pieces in 'real life'* too.
*Whatever the fuck that is. I cruised through different layers of 'reality' or being. I saw people on line and in real life in different modes of being. Its like they became different characters living different lives. Actually a bit like Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up and recognises that the people in Kansas were in Oz. :D
Fucking hell! I am so sorry.. sincerely to everyone. I want you to know that I'm not normally like that. I was taking loads of MXE to come off the Tramadol. I know I've put that out there before. I'm not trying to blame the drugs for the episode I just want you to understand I was quite literally in a different world for about a month. Ok i suppose I am trying to blame it.. its all Tramadol and MXEs fault! :D*
Gah!
8( ..Not really I put them in my mouth and knew I was high as a kite, cant say I didnt enjoy it at times but I was totally disconnected from this reality and to be honest I'm trying to pick up the pieces in 'real life'* too. 
*Whatever the fuck that is. I cruised through different layers of 'reality' or being. I saw people on line and in real life in different modes of being. Its like they became different characters living different lives. Actually a bit like Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up and recognises that the people in Kansas were in Oz. :D
Last edited:
YellowPolkaDotHalo
Ex-Bluelighter
Thankyou Aunty Em 
third eye squeegee
Bluelighter
The great thing about this place is that people will understand, and not hold it against you YPDH...
Everyone on here has their own shit going on, and goes off the rails at times - (this thread is proof!)
Most of us aren't going to (forgive the Biblical reference) cast the first stone
YellowPolkaDotHalo
Ex-Bluelighter
Thankyou as well Third Eye
Its a good reference and apt lol because at one time I was Mary Magdelene in my travels :D
Its a good reference and apt lol because at one time I was Mary Magdelene in my travels :D
i against i
Bluelighter
."superior" that's about as far from how I feel about myself as you could get
i meant i'm gonna feel superior. it wasn't serious.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
yeah BL staff pretend to be supportive now.
but when BL staff properly support such people when they're actually in the shit, they get thrown off staff. even when said member of staff is publicly announcing their own breakdown and suicidal feelings, so clearly being thrown off staff would obviously have an incredibly dangerous effect on said person.
if you can't all see what a fucking sham this place is i fucking pity you.
i know this post will prob get UA'd. have your editing fun guys!!!
also- i haven't just abandoned this place. i still lurk. just not worth the hassle, but when pure unadulterated bullshit which is potentially harmful to users is being posted on a HARM REDUCTION forum, it'd be wrong not to correct it.
p.s. on topic- cheated on my long term boyf in a major way.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
yeah, pretending to care about people you don't give a shit about is pretty bad imo.
but no, its not in relation to all posters, felix (and his wife kate clearly didn't give two shits about how upset i was in this situation, more concerned about having everything cosy for herself) and alasdairm. but i will say that SamhainGrim is the most chauvinistic person i've ever met so please don't swallow his feminism bollocks.
but no, its not in relation to all posters, felix (and his wife kate clearly didn't give two shits about how upset i was in this situation, more concerned about having everything cosy for herself) and alasdairm. but i will say that SamhainGrim is the most chauvinistic person i've ever met so please don't swallow his feminism bollocks.
Last edited by a moderator:
eh, I was mainly interested in unadulterated bullshit being fed to users bit.
the rest is personal between you and them, and I'm never going to be partial to all that info from all sides to be able to understand it all, or weigh it up fairly so there's no point me trying to dig there
I don't like the word chav (nothing to do with it being used in relation to sam) so I've got no comment on that either
sorry youre feeling bad over this and hope the other positives in your life far outweigh these negatives for you
edit
[eh, you took out the chav thing, so the above comment is now invalid]
[edit x 2] What changed from this? to animosity?
the rest is personal between you and them, and I'm never going to be partial to all that info from all sides to be able to understand it all, or weigh it up fairly so there's no point me trying to dig there
I don't like the word chav (nothing to do with it being used in relation to sam) so I've got no comment on that either
sorry youre feeling bad over this and hope the other positives in your life far outweigh these negatives for you
edit
[eh, you took out the chav thing, so the above comment is now invalid]
[edit x 2] What changed from this? to animosity?
Last edited:
Mr Smokes Blunts.
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2009
- Messages
- 4,113
I agree chinup, re: the caring stuff. From 9/10 posters it is total crap.
Pleeeeeeaseeeee start posting regularly again. Just interact with the board in a superficial way, and don't expect shit from anyone.
- Status