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12 days clean and just texted my dealer....

somnilicious said:
WTF is wrong with me? I feel like a lost cause... Doing the NA thing again. Have a sponsor, making meetings everyday but I just can't seem to make it back to sanity long enough to make the right decision.
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You're NOT a lost cause. Many of us fuck up for like 10+ years of our lives before we see the light.

A LOT of us have overdosed and died. And they're gone forever.

YOU'RE STILL HERE, you still have a lot of chances. Learn to love yourself it's going to be ok!!!!
 
It took me about five years of detoxing and relapsing before having any real lasting success and then about another five years of being predominantly clean (but still having some incidences of relapse of varying severity) to actually get to a point where things are falling to place and helping me understand my mental health and who I actually am.

This is not an overnight thing for most people from what I can see, so CH is absolutely right don't beat yourself up.
 
"Predominantly clean", must be nice. I still use every day at LEAST cannabis. I'm like the definition of a lifelong drugged out fucked up loser idiot.
 
Oh I smoke hash every day lol

Cant be bothered to get in to a discussion about whether that's clean or not but it's been working for me so I just go with it. As far as I can tell smoking cannabis has negligible negative effect on my life and also possibly some positive.

Other than that I guess I've consumed drugs on maybe forty or fifty days in the last 5 years (1825 days) so compared to where I was that's a fair difference.
 
most days I'm on something other than cannabis because I can barely stand life without euphorant abuse so I pacify myself with whatever's available.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
I would encourage people to examine all options available with an open mind
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saying that something is actively harmful, with no evidence, isn't really encouraging people to examine all options available. for a lot of people, NA is one of the only options available, for me its not but I don't know anyting else that offers so many opportunities to interact with people who understand what i'm going through. potentially putting someone with few options for support off NA, when clearly you must have got something out of it to go for years, seems a bit unwise to me.
 
It didnt state it as a matter of fact, I said it was what I believe. Go back and read it. I'm entitled to have an opinion.

You should read what has actually been written and reply to that rather than replying to what you want to have been written. There's absolutely nothing about me believing that NA may potentially hinder a certain demographic from getting help that conflicts with promoting the idea that other people should examine all the evidence and come to their own conclusion.

Just because I believe one thing it doesn't mean that other people cant think something else. That's the basic concept of liberalism and open mindedness, something people who give blind faith to organisations often struggle with dont you think?

Honestly, I try to choose my words very carefully in relation to recovery so you're not just going to casually catch a conflict in my thinking like you thought you did. Like I said, I think theres a lot of good stuff available at NA and people should examine all the options available to them and make an educated decision as to what they feel might work for them, and if it works they should stick with it.
 
I didn't wanna bring this up because I didn't wanna thread jack. But then I realized this entire thread has somehow turned into thread about NA and 12 step programs. So I'll just say it.

Anyone else find the idea of texting your dealer a little weird? I rarely texted my dealers, most people I know rarely text their dealers because the sense that texts are more easily recorded. Most people I've known as well as myself would usually just call if it were actually asking for anything.

Also with texting you don't know if they got the text till they reply. I'm not actually sure of all the psychological reasons, but in my experience it's less common.
 
Wow!! The responses I have gotten show over whelming love and support. I'm ok with the program for now. I live in a rural, redneck area right now so the demographic at my meetings reflects a lot ignorance but I would be going absolutely crazy without that time with others. I got a DUI and had to move back with my parents in the middle of nowhere. I haven't had a vehicle or worked in 6 months so I am going crazy with loneliness and isolation. Things are starting to look up though because I just got a job and will be getting a tax return that will be enough to clear all my probation, court costs and licence issues.

@JessFR I have done maintainance before, as I was on and off, mostly on methadone for 10yrs. I finally got off for good in 2014 and swore I would never go back. I usually call but I've been having to order using my parents phone in front of them so me and my dealer have developed a shorthand text communication that says everything without actually saying anything. It's really pathetic and Indicative of how far that I have fallen by secretly texting using my parents cell phone because I can't afford my own. Over 20+ yrs of heroin abuse I have definitely been lower but it has been a long time since I have been back in such a disgraceful position. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much but it's important that I am honest with myself about exactly where heroin usage has brought me. When I am able to look at it objectively, detach emotionally, formulate future plans and execute them then I am able to truly start to be able to move forward, nurture inner strength
and gain confidence in myself.

Everybodies responses and support that I have received mean the world to me.... Thank you all so much.
 
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somnilicious said:
WTF is wrong with me? I feel like a lost cause... Doing the NA thing again. Have a sponsor, making meetings everyday but I just can't seem to make it back to sanity long enough to make the right decision.
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Hun I feel for you, In a moment of madness or craving I've ordered gear and felt so shit about it after. Perhaps a different support mechanism? I'm trying to quit alone. I usually get to about a week or cutting back and then something happens and I start the process again. Don't beat yourself up though. You did 12 days and that's something to be proud of.
 
I will be procuring my favorite substance LSD for a much needed trip this weekend. I know that this behaviour is highly frowned upon, shunned and unacceptable within the NA program but I do not plan on totally discarding my psychedelic usage at this moment and have in fact found it to be an extremely beneficial and therapeutic tool in my recovery. It gave me the impetus and courage to start this journey and process again.

I have found it to be better than any other therapy tool and almost as important to me as the 12 step program itself in recovery. It is unfortunate that I am unable to share this fact within my support group because Bill Wilson and the founder of NA both found LSD to be a beneficial tool and both were advocates for its medicinal and spiritual uses. Although we all know that it's impossible to explore such methods within the context of modern medicine.

I don't suggest other addicts use LSD in recovery because of the supposed unpredictability, possibilities of emotional reliance, stunted growth and reward pathway disfigurement but I don't take high doses and I have received nothing but consistent psychological, spiritual, therapeutic and dare I even say physiological healing benefits from my recent experimentation. I don't know if I would have been able to pick myself back up and begin moving forward without it this last go around. I had over a year clean and a separate 9mths, while working the steps in the program without LSD and I had an extremely difficult time reacclimating within society and navigating through the world, while trying to understand my place within it. Since rediscovering LSD as a tool I have felt much more secure and willing to face and work through some of the emotionally difficult and challenging aspects of myself, the world and recovery. The only part that hurts is being unable to be completely honest and open about that aspect of my life within the community but after having been around and having talked to other members with significant clean time I have learned that everybody's recovery is different and that some aspects are highly personal and not necessarily everybody's business. The most important thing is that I be honest with myself.

God bless everyone and thank you for the support and invaluable encouragement. I am looking forward to my recovery, sharing my progress and I am eternally grateful for a kind, loving and open minded community where I can be completely honest and share not only the joys and blessings of recovery but the deapest, darkest fears and pains of the process without judgement, condemnation or rejection.

Love all you guys.
 
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Find something to sober up.. a passion or something. For me is music, writing, I skate actually. Not all the time but sometimes, I just you know, do life-worthy stuffs. Not throwing the fact that ''I have a family, they keep me away from bla bla'' No, it's cliche. It's up to you, isn't anyone strength but only yours. You have to find this within yourself.
 
P
somnilicious said:
I will be procuring my favorite substance LSD for a much needed trip this weekend. I know that this behaviour is highly frowned upon, shunned and unacceptable within the NA program but I do not plan on totally discarding my psychedelic usage at this moment and have in fact found it to be an extremely beneficial and therapeutic tool in my recovery. It gave me the impetus and courage to start this journey and process again.

I have found it to be better than any other therapy tool and almost as important to me as the 12 step program itself in recovery. It is unfortunate that I am unable to share this fact within my support group because Bill Wilson and the founder of NA both found LSD to be a beneficial tool and both were advocates for its medicinal and spiritual uses. Although we all know that it's impossible to explore such methods within the context of modern medicine.

I don't suggest other addicts use LSD in recovery because of the supposed unpredictability, possibilities of emotional reliance, stunted growth and reward pathway disfigurement but I don't take high doses and I have received nothing but consistent psychological, spiritual, therapeutic and dare I even say physiological healing benefits from my recent experimentation. I don't know if I would have been able to pick myself back up and begin moving forward without it this last go around. I had over a year clean and a separate 9mths, while working the steps in the program without LSD and I had an extremely difficult time reacclimating within society and navigating through them world, while trying to understand my place within it. Since rediscovering LSD as a tool I have felt much more secure and willing to face and work through some of the emotionally difficult and challenging aspects of myself, the world and recovery. The only part that hurts is being unable to be completely honest and open about that aspect of my life within the community but after having been around and having talked to other members with significant clean time I have learned that everybody's recovery is different and that some aspects are highly personal and not necessarily everybody's business. The most important thing is that I be honest with myself.

God bless everyone and thank you for the support and invaluable encouragement. I am looking forward to my recovery, sharing my progress and I am eternally grateful for a kind, loving and open minded community where I can be completely honest and share not only the joys and blessings of recovery but the deapest, darkest fears and pains of the process without judgement, condemnation or rejection.

Love all you guys.
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PERFECT!!! Take what you want and works , leave the rest till you need or want it!!
Everything in moderation Including Moderation 🤪🤪
you sound good, anyway you are working harm reduction, and Not in Denial , is a Huge plus in my book 😍
 
Shady's Fox said:
Find something to sober up.. a passion or something. For me is music, writing, I skate actually. Not all the time but sometimes, I just you know, do life-worthy stuffs. Not throwing the fact that ''I have a family, they keep me away from bla bla'' No, it's cliche. It's up to you, isn't anyone strength but only yours. You have to find this within yourself.
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Captain.Heroin said:
Yeah find your passions and hobbies
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So true... LSD and NA are simply tools to aid in growth and development. Taking action to grow and engaging in activities is the essential component. I have started writing again, getting exercise, playing team sports, skating and playing the guitar. I don't know why or how but LSD opened up my mind to the possibilities and took away the mental fears and blockage that held me back and always discouraged me from new experiences and activities. That has been the single most important thing LSD has done for me. Since then I have begun to go out into the world with a renewed interest and vigor for experience and hobbies. That is why I have continued my periodic trips because afterwards I always feel recharged and am able to let go so that I no longer fear the world or feel disconnected. I am able be in the moment and experience the world in ways that were closed off to me in the past. That is something that sticks with me long after the trip and definitely the most therapeutic aspect of the psychedelic experience. With that being said it is important to expand upon the experience by utilizing that renewed zest for life and getting out to experience everything this beautiful world has to offer.
 
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somnilicious said:
So true... LSD and NA are simply tools to aid in growth and development. Taking action to grow and engaging in activities is the essential component. I have started writing again, getting exercise, playing team sports, skating and playing the guitar. I don't know why or how but LSD opened up my mind to the possibilities and took away the mental fears and blockage that held me back and always discouraged me from new experiences and activities. That has been the single most important thing LSD has done for me. Since then I have begun to go out into the world with a renewed interest and vigor for experience and hobbies. That is why I have continued my periodic trips because afterwards I always feel recharged and am able to let go so that I no longer fear the world or feel disconnected. I am able be in the moment and experience the world in ways that were closed off to me in the past. That is something that sticks with me long after the trip and definitely the most therapeutic aspect of the psychedelic experience. With that being said it is important to expand upon the experience by utilizing that renewed zest for life and getting out to experience everything this beautiful world has to offer.
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Can not ask for more out of life, and what you just stated is what I want out of life , and I feel most people feel the same
thanks 😊
 
Shady's Fox said:


lemme give ya a start
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Yo!! That's dope... Send some more stuff like that my way. I'd like to download a program to make beats and electronic music. Any suggestions for a beginner on a budget?

Captain.Heroin said:
Reconnect with nature. See the forest park beach etc. The world is amazing.
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I try to get out daily and walk the dog on all the trails by my house. I'm lucky to live next to a beautiful, nature preserve with a lot of rivers, creeks, trails and a few caves. Since I moved away from the beach I haven't been able to make it back over but that is all about to change with my financial and driving situation. Gotta get that vitamin D....
 
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