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12 days clean and just texted my dealer....

somnilicious said:
Yo!! That's dope... Send some more stuff like that my way. I'd like to download a program to make beats and electronic music. Any suggestions for a beginner on a budget?



I try to get out daily and walk the dog on all the trails by my house. I'm lucky to live next to a beautiful, nature preserve with a lot of rivers, creeks, trails and a few caves. Since I moved away from the beach I haven't been able to make it back over but that is all about to change with my financial and driving situation. Gotta get that vitamin D....
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Its so amazing to see the world and feel yourself as a part of it. It is an irreplacable feeling. :)

Get a free version of goldwave

Its sweet
 
somnilicious said:
Yo!! That's dope... Send some more stuff like that my way. I'd like to download a program to make beats and electronic music. Any suggestions for a beginner on a budget?



I try to get out daily and walk the dog on all the trails by my house. I'm lucky to live next to a beautiful, nature preserve with a lot of rivers, creeks, trails and a few caves. Since I moved away from the beach I haven't been able to make it back over but that is all about to change with my financial and driving situation. Gotta get that vitamin D....
Click to expand...


I tried to tag you but I can't, lol. That's some weird name or a temporary glitch, dunno. Other seems to work ,probably you have a T in your name, dunno.

Uhm, yeah. I mean, me and my family we live in the woods. Countryside. It's beautiful, people around here are very cool. It's a small town, a bit creepy I might add sometimes it has this weird vibe when it get's gloomy outside but other than that it's okay. Not much crime around here. Anyway, the river side it's beautiful, my daughters love to go there, I actually.. have uhm a little misundersting with her because she's been acting weird lately, skinning animals ( mostly crows ) dunno how she catches them and now she's very attracted to my personal insect collection, she ask if I could let her have a moth in her room, and I said ok. Although I don't allow insects in my house, even if they're harmless and what I wanted to say it's that she goes to the woods at night trying to you know, do weird stuff?.. And yeah, that's for it. Sorry if I got a bit personal and disturbed you or any other in any way but watch out if you have a ''weird family'' as I do, this come with the going to ''nature'' privilege, othan than that nothing to worry about, really. Regarding music, I will send you a P.M
 
Shady's Fox said:
I tried to tag you but I can't, lol. That's some weird name or a temporary glitch, dunno. Other seems to work ,probably you have a T in your name, dunno.

Uhm, yeah. I mean, me and my family we live in the woods. Countryside. It's beautiful, people around here are very cool. It's a small town, a bit creepy I might add sometimes it has this weird vibe when it get's gloomy outside but other than that it's okay. Not much crime around here. Anyway, the river side it's beautiful, my daughters love to go there, I actually.. have uhm a little misundersting with her because she's been acting weird lately, skinning animals ( mostly crows ) dunno how she catches them and now she's very attracted to my personal insect collection, she ask if I could let her have a moth in her room, and I said ok. Although I don't allow insects in my house, even if they're harmless and what I wanted to say it's that she goes to the woods at night trying to you know, do weird stuff?.. And yeah, that's for it. Sorry if I got a bit personal and disturbed you or any other in any way but watch out if you have a ''weird family'' as I do, this come with the going to ''nature'' privilege, othan than that nothing to worry about, really. Regarding music, I will send you a P.M
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Nah.... Its difficult to disturb me. My family is definitely on the strange and weird side. I love living where I do but I'm not used to not having transportation and being in the middle of nowhere. I feel honored to know more about the infamous Shady. Personal and honest is cool, most people try to put on a facade or front cause they are guarded cowards. Keep bringin' the realness.... Skinned crows and all. I wouldn't worry about it too much. She just sounds interested in anatomy and the natural world... a lil' burgeoning young scientist.... Insect collection? What you got them tagged and catalogued? Like the carcass, shells? That sounds cool. I collect teeth. I got a bunch of shark, megalodon, gator, cow, possum, feathers, assorted bones, arrowheads, pottery fragments, rocks, minerals, gems, foreign coins and all kinds of natural and man made collectables. I like the creep factor that the rural countryside brings. I got a bunch of pastures, old barns and oak trees with moss that hangs down and blows in the wind by my house and when the fog hits on a full moon night it definitely sets the mood. That song goes perfect with that imagery. Thanks for the tunes and insight. Got me stuck off the realness. Keep it steady comin'. Haven't checked the PM yet but I'm sure it's Shady as fuck.
 
Music is a huge passion of mine and i started a new music project recently. First major release i put online for free.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Its so amazing to see the world and feel yourself as a part of it. It is an irreplacable feeling. :)

Get a free version of goldwave

Its sweet
Click to expand...

It is.... Im tired of living somewhere between life and death. In the hazy, grey, colourless, twilight that opiates allow one to so seemlessly float through; totally convinced that that phantom, emotionally dead existence is truly living.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
I disagree that anyone is in a position where it's literally impossible to stop. It may be figuratively impossible or metaphorically impossible, but I think if you really think there was any point where it was literally impossible to stop you're either deceiving yourself or misusing the word "literally". Can quitting at times be extremely difficult? Yeah. Can it feel impossible? Of course. Is it literally not conceivable? No.

I agree with the general ethos of harm reduction, however. Of course, if your choices are to either continue your escalating dose and using as much as possible or to cut your dose down, then cutting down is preferable if abstinence is too difficult at that point in time for whatever reason. However, there's a reason that abstinence underlies not just 12-step meetings but practically every recovery program, including Refuge Recovery and secular ones like Smart Recovery, and it's because moderation is harder for addicts than quitting entirely. Once those neurons have been intertwined with the concept of your drug of choice and you are used to using in an addictive way then it will be extremely difficult to enforce limits. It's possible, of course, but it takes insane willpower & self-control, & if we had a lot of that to begin with then we wouldn't have our drug dependence!

Note that I'm not a 12-step acolyte who dogmatically insists that to count yourself as "sober" you don't just have to stop taking your DOC but methadone/subs, alcohol, weed, prescriptions etc as well (but with a curious blind spot for cigarettes, coffee & donuts....). I think that approach has caused an awful lot of harm, as has many of the AA precepts that have become part of the recovery culture (for example, the insistence that one slip will inevitably lead to an awful binge has I'm sure caused many an addict who may have briefly slipped to think "fuck it" and go on that bender, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy), but I think one of the concepts that they have right is that moderation is a lot harder than abstinence in the long-run. This is just about the practicality of it as well - this isn't even to mention the fact that without abstinence we don't give our brains a chance to heal and so suspend the physiological/biochemical process of recovery so that even if our physical/material conditions improve with moderation, the emotional state that leads us to using will remain identical.

However, I'm pleased that you are harming yourself less than you were. Like I said, I am a big proponent of harm reduction - I just hope that if you want to overcome your addiction then you have some eventual plan for abstinence to give yourself the time & space you need to get better.
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You're viewpoint is much more optimistic than mine and gives the user a perpetual chance of salvation. However, after analyzing the lives of other addicts and some points within my personal life I really think the chance of many people getting clean when they're knee-deep in addiction can be like the chance of winning the lottery. Sometimes during relapses habits can get in fact worse than before--barely better.

I think that in order to escape addiction, one has to change certain perspectives about their life and things about themselves first before attaining sobriety. If heroin is the only thing that makes you happy, I don't know how it's possible to suddenly just STOP and handle the consequences. It would be too overwhelming of a life change and far too depressing. However, I'm all for considering the best case scenario. If someone finds themselves unable to escape addiction, I think that they should at least have some form of self-acceptance and try to be happier with the drugs in their life. We can't just change a lifestyle in the blink of an eye, but that does not mean we deserve to be miserable for struggling with something more powerful than us. I tried to make the most of my life when I could not quit--aka my personal life. I would make plans with friends, set goals for myself, and work hard to my life was not consumed by one little aspect of myself that I viewed as a flaw. Once my life got better, the drug(s) absence did not seem to be as much as a gaping hole within my character. It was easier to at least maintain stunts of sobriety that I was fortunate enough to find myself doing.

It's like how in Brazil people are happy whether they're poor or rich... doesn't matter. No matter what's happening in your life it's not worth sitting in a chair recycling over the miserable crap that's happening to you. Opiate addiction is NO JOKE. It's extremely powerful and to the point that for many it is a life-sentence. That doesn't mean they have to give up everything about them to the class of drugs. Sobriety does not guarantee happiness I'm sorry lol, in fact sometimes when you're clean from opiate addiction you're locked in a flat and grey desolate world of ahedonia and depression. It's too easy to just assume sobriety is a fix-all answer. It's so much more complicated than that like addiction is in fact an extremely intricate situation.
 
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somnilicious said:
It is.... Im tired of living somewhere between life and death. In the hazy, grey, colourless, twilight that opiates allow one to so seemlessly float through; totally convinced that that phantom, emotionally dead existence is truly living.
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It is crucial to address why youre using and you can get past it <3
 
GetMeOutOfThisCRAP said:
You're viewpoint is much more optimistic than mine and gives the user a perpetual chance of salvation. However, after analyzing the lives of other addicts and some points within my personal life I really think the chance of many people getting clean when they're knee-deep in addiction can be like the chance of winning the lottery. Sometimes during relapses habits can get in fact worse than before--barely better.

I think that in order to escape addiction, one has to change certain perspectives about their life and things about themselves first before attaining sobriety. If heroin is the only thing that makes you happy, I don't know how it's possible to suddenly just STOP and handle the consequences. It would be too overwhelming of a life change and far too depressing. However, I'm all for considering the best case scenario. If someone finds themselves unable to escape addiction, I think that they should at least have some form of self-acceptance and try to be happier with the drugs in their life. We can't just change a lifestyle in the blink of an eye, but that does not mean we deserve to be miserable for struggling with something more powerful than us. I tried to make the most of my life when I could not quit--aka my personal life. I would make plans with friends, set goals for myself, and work hard to my life was not consumed by one little aspect of myself that I viewed as a flaw. Once my life got better, the drug(s) absence did not seem to be as much as a gaping hole within my character. It was easier to at least maintain stunts of sobriety that I was fortunate enough to find myself doing.

It's like how in Brazil people are happy whether they're poor or rich... doesn't matter. No matter what's happening in your life it's not worth sitting in a chair recycling over the miserable crap that's happening to you. Opiate addiction is NO JOKE. It's extremely powerful and to the point that for many it is a life-sentence. That doesn't mean they have to give up everything about them to the class of drugs. Sobriety does not guarantee happiness I'm sorry lol, in fact sometimes when you're clean from opiate addiction you're locked in a flat and grey desolate world of ahedonia and depression. It's too easy to just assume sobriety is a fix-all answer. It's so much more complicated than that like addiction is in fact an extremely intricate situation.
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@GetMeOutOfThisCRAP , Thank you!! Boy was this enlightening, and depressive at the same time!!
I guess that sober is just less of a Free fall in to that dark place than Active addiction, or at least I am hoping ???
 
@jose ribas da silva in brazil in the bocas from the favelas, are cocaine and weed really sold for only 5 bucks? I saw some documentary about the scene and I was surprised to see coke at 5 bucks, it's probably cut to shit I suppose
 
Iceman1216 said:
@GetMeOutOfThisCRAP , Thank you!! Boy was this enlightening, and depressive at the same time!!
I guess that sober is just less of a Free fall in to that dark place than Active addiction, or at least I am hoping ???
Click to expand...

Well I think that as addicts we aren't addicted to substances just because they're "fun."

Each addiction has a special place in our lives. Some addictions benefit us and improve aspects of our lives in certain ways--because obviously if addiction was such a god awful horrible place we'd all just be able to walk away freely. The reason it's so hard to break these habits is because most substances bend our lives to become the way that we want them to be. For example, alcoholism makes the world a bit more care-free and less emotionally painful. When you become clean from alcohol, you suddenly have to deal with life being more painful and anxious. Opiates often hit all the key points of what anyone wants from a drug: euphoriant, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication, and physical/emotional painkiller. This is why it's so hard to quit opiates. The class of drugs benefits the user in more than one way, so the life change is so severe when you suddenly cut yourself off and go on about you life without it. It's always going to feel like a part of you has been ripped out.

People do not shoot up because it makes them feel horrible. That's for sure. When addiction is painted as this DARK crippling painful scenario, it's not really telling the truth whatsoever. Addiction is suffering as much as it is being overwhelmed with pleasure. It's like drugs are an equivalent exchange of some sort. I've never met an addict addicted to a drug that he or she absolutely undeniably hated. I don't know if you can be addicted to something without the psychological thrill of abuse being absent. Hence why I've never struggled with alcoholism or cocaine. I just don't like the drugs and never will.
 
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Iceman1216 said:
@somnilicious , so brother hows it going?? Good day ?
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It is indeed a good, if lazy day. Doing much better with cravings, as this new shit they are selling as heroin is making it a lot easier because my last few experiences have really stuck with me as being very dysphoric. It is making it much easier to obliterate what used to be a strong euphoric recall. I don't know what this stuff was but it has not been heroin for sometime and when I really think about my last few attempts at using I am able to easily recall these experiences as being infact negative and lacking pleasure.
 
somnilicious said:
It is indeed a good, if lazy day. Doing much better with cravings, as this new shit they are selling as heroin is making it a lot easier because my last few experiences have really stuck with me as being very dysphoric. It is making it much easier to obliterate what used to be a strong euphoric recall. I don't know what this stuff was but it has not been heroin for sometime and when I really think about my last few attempts at using I am able to easily recall these experiences as being infact negative and lacking pleasure.
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Well that is good news!! Just do not look for a Better supply :LOL:
 
GetMeOutOfThisCRAP said:
Well I think that as addicts we aren't addicted to substances just because they're "fun."

Each addiction has a special place in our lives. Some addictions benefit us and improve aspects of our lives in certain ways--because obviously if addiction was such a god awful horrible place we'd all just be able to walk away freely. The reason it's so hard to break these habits is because most substances bend our lives to become the way that we want them to be. For example, alcoholism makes the world a bit more care-free and less emotionally painful. When you become clean from alcohol, you suddenly have to deal with life being more painful and anxious. Opiates often hit all the key points of what anyone wants from a drug: euphoriant, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication, and physical/emotional painkiller. This is why it's so hard to quit opiates. The class of drugs benefits the user in more than one way, so the life change is so severe when you suddenly cut yourself off and go on about you life without it. It's always going to feel like a part of you has been ripped out.

People do not shoot up because it makes them feel horrible. That's for sure. When addiction is painted as this DARK crippling painful scenario, it's not really telling the truth whatsoever. Addiction is suffering as much as it is being overwhelmed with pleasure. It's like drugs are an equivalent exchange of some sort. I've never met an addict addicted to a drug that he or she absolutely undeniably hated. I don't know if you can be addicted to something without the psychological thrill of abuse being absent. Hence why I've never struggled with alcoholism or cocaine. I just don't like the drugs and never will.
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I like your equivalent exchange metaphor. I have a similar one I call emotions on credit.

Drugs are kinda like buying an emotion you need on credit. But sooner or latter you gotta pay it back, at which point you will be hit hard with the opposite of that emotion.

Over time though, drugs, opioids especially, tend to be more misery than good times. Don't get me wrong even in the worst of my addiction there were good days. But they become less frequent and good becomes more just "not in withdrawal".

I'll say this though, I don't think heroin makes anyone happy. I think it makes people content. Very similar. But the difference being more that it's not that things don't still suck but that they it's not bothering you they they suck. If that makes any sense.

But yeah you're right. I've written a lot of posts about all the bad shit heroin addiction does to people. But in spite of all that and every shitty thing I've done or that's happened because of using heroin...

I still love heroin. I still miss using it all the time. Id love to say that I hate it and I'd never wanna touch it again but that's just not true.

And I say that completely aware that if I did start using it again nothing would be any different, I'd wind up in exactly the same situation I found so intolerable at the time that I left.

Heroins a mind fuck. :p
 
@GetMeOutOfThisCRAP and @JessFR I like your metaphors and I'll add one I call piece of the puzzle

I tried a large variety of drugs over the years before I settled on d-amp and m-amp as my DOC. It seems to me that I always felt an important piece of me was missing or unknowable and I had trouble being genuine self and feeling my genuine feelings and I always felt a bit lost. However, and no douby related to my ADHD diagnosis, these drugs seem to close the loop and complete my sense of self. Each time they hit I pretty much say " ah there you are Atelier, nice to see you again, where have you been hiding". It's like a reunion. All the missing or disconnected bits of my mind just feel like they have slipped into the correct place.

The problem with giving up these drugs, which I would of course like to do and sooner rather than later, is that I feel I'll be watching my whole self disappear into the abyss like Leonardo di Caprio in that Titanic scene - never to be found again.

I always wondered if people on opiates had a similar kind of feeling?
 
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