12 days clean and just texted my dealer....

[somnilicious]

WTF is wrong with me? I feel like a lost cause... Doing the NA thing again. Have a sponsor, making meetings everyday but I just can't seem to make it back to sanity long enough to make the right decision.

 

[Working_Class]

NA was good but it never did work out for me. The love affair just wasn't over.

Alternitavely, I started dabbling with psychedelic therapy and nootropics. And ended up being quite a bit more productive than just NA on its own.

The problem I have a Narcotics Anonymous, is that it's like a cult, where they just want you to come there all the time, and I suppose if you're the type of person who really needs daily meetings, it can be very good. But I mean, I have a very busy life and I couldn't make the time as often as they hounded me, nor did I really like the weird clickyness of the whole group, I mean you get together and chatnt things in unison, that's exactly what Cults do. Anyways, all this aside, you may want to look into alternatives to whatever it is you might be addicted to. I mean, I can't say I'm 100% clean or anything, but I don't wake up and use drugs first thing in the morning everyday anymore.

I do some mindful experimentation here and there, and I take long periods off of drugs. I think there are a lot of people out there like me who don't have any self-control when it comes to certain things, but they don't know of any other Alternatives that can satisfy this desire that they have so ingrained into their being. Anyways take my advice with a grain of salt. It's not for everybody for sure, but Narcotics Anonymous can definitely help you break the cycle. Staying away from Street dealers has definitely been a huge part of the recovery process for me. You can get anything you want online buddy, you don't have to deal with these greasy Prick street dealers anymore, this is 2020. Everything is available to you online, and even places like Bluelight you can get a lot of support and advice from people who have been there and done that.

By the way what is your addiction? I used to be into down and meth, and the supply in western Canada is pretty tainted with fentanyl. So I've had some pretty close calls being an intravenous user and all. The first thing that really helped me break my opioid habit was buying some kratom off a clear net vendor.

And there isn't anything wrong with Narcotics Anonymous, I just found it to be a really clicky and judgmental group. I didn't need that. Some people really like the program though, it could works great, just give it another shot. I tried the meetings for like a year and a half and ended up just kind of doing my own thing.

I've been off of steroids for a year after being an amateur strongman / powerlifter for a decade, and that was the biggest hardest one for me to quit to be honest. Nobody wants to be a low testosterone male, it just blows. Whole body is weak, it doesn't work properly, lose all your muscle. Really psychologically addictive.

But once you step outside the egoism, you realize that image over health is very self indulgent, and a more health conscious approach to longevity is probably the better way to go. Also much less maintenance, I don't have to inject myself every other day, but man is it ever a transition. Going from deadlifting 700 lb and benching in the 400s with a 335 lb overhead press, to being a regular guy is a shock to the system mentally.

I hope you find what works for you, we're all on a journey

 

[somnilicious]

Done the kratom thing. It doesn't work at all for me cause I can't sleep when I am taking it regardless of color or vendor. My brain is so fucked from 20yrs of heroin abuse that weak agonists like kratom do more harm than good. I ordered fent and Xanax. I used to be addicted to benzos 4yrs ago. I also tripped last Saturday. I love LSD but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a drug fiend.

 

[Working_Class]

If you're ordering straight up fent at least you know what you're getting and you can dose appropriately. It's dangerous when your ordering down and you have no fucking idea how much fent is in there. It's really impossible to dose accordingly when you don't know what it is. So at least you have that Under Wraps.

If you're hooked on Alprazolam, I could suggest a slow taper, but Alprazolam withdrawals are many times worse than etizolam withdrawals. If there was something I could suggest for harm reduction, it would definitely be switch to etizolam and work your way down. But that's for you to decide for yourself I guess. Is the fent coming from China? I've never met any local dealers who just sell straight up milligrams of Fent. That's a game-changer if there is such a thing, Next Level Street dealer shit. I've been through it, it's a fucking hell of a habit to break.

Also, you can seek medical attention for the issue. It's pretty common these days, I dont know how that all goes down in the US, but getting a script to hydromorph or methadone could help with a taper.

Just keep trying bro. Its never too late if you're above ground.

 

[somnilicious]

If you're ordering straight up fent at least you know what you're getting and you can dose appropriately. It's dangerous when your ordering down and you have no fucking idea how much fat is in there. It's really impossible to dose accordingly when you don't know what it is. So at least you have that Under Wraps. If you're hooked on Alprazolam, I could suggest a slow taper, but Alprazolam withdrawals are many times worse than etizolam withdrawals. If there was something I could suggest for harm reduction, it would definitely be switch to etizolam and work your way down. But that's for you to decide for yourself I guess. Is the fendt coming from China? I've never met any local dealers who just sell straight up milligrams of Fant. That's a game-changer if there is such a thing, Next Level Street dealership. I've been through it, it's a fucking hell of a habit to break

Not currently hooked on benzos. I Was 4yrs ago. I have done them infrequently since. The dope is definitely fent. There is no more heroin. I know my ECP heroin and all the shit around ain't it. This stuff is also cut with some weird stimulant so I'm really stupid.

 

[somnilicious]

Lol.... Just got ripped off. Got a fat bag of dope but the 8 Xanax are busparone. Dealer said he is coming back to give me my cash but we'll see. I really didn't even want the dope. I wanted the Xanax to help me sleep but I knew he wouldn't deliver just for Xanax.

 

[Iceman1216]

I have Love the Help that NA gives me with staying Clean! My Thinking got me in to this Shit storm, and if I do not change things its where I stay!! Sometimes its just a my Addiction : Under New Management!!! So I go to meeting everyday. I find it funny that the above poster has a life Too busy for meetings??? I was never Too busy to spend years Fucked up on Dope?? So an hour out of my day to stay Totally clean and productive is a great trade!! ( I am also very busy and go to meetings all over the country and world as I travel. I find them even helpful when in different langues1 The "Cult Word and " The God Thing" I just find as excuses to not do the Work that is needed to long term Sobriety?? Just me after 37 years of 12 step work, and a Huge , productive and successful life. Now I give back as much service as I can to help the new comer walking down those stairs ( all meetings are basements , I guess closer to Hell LOl Lol Haha) as the people where there for me in 1983
All is well - ICE

 

[somnilicious]

I'm such a moron....

 

[jose ribas da silva]

the worst part of addiction is end up religious

 

[Iceman1216]

You are NOT !! You have the Disease of addiction!! It sucks and is a life time battle. No easy way around it or Cure for it. After 22 years of total Clean time, I now find myself in a dance with opiates for chronic pain from Cancer treatments?? WTF?? But it is the price of addmision, and I have changed my 12 step mentallity of the only path is Total Abstinence or ( Jails, Instututions and or Death) I am learning a great deal about and practicing Harm reduction. There is a difference between Drugs & Medicine !!

 

[Working_Class]

Yeah, I have no issue with Narcotics Anonymous. I just found them way too similar to religious groups actually. Close minded, and again like I had mentioned that the groups are very clicky and I didn't really like the social scene that it was. Great for you that you've been sober for that long, but that way of life just isn't for everybody.

There's a ton of people who go to NA who still smoke cigarettes, correct me if I'm wrong but nicotine is still a drug. Also people go to NA drink caffeine, correct me if I'm wrong but caffeine is still a drug, it's like a bunch of elitists and medicated people preaching sobriety when they themselves are still using the more socially acceptable drugs or perscription medication. I don't see the difference really between socially acceptable and exotic, as long as you are able to mediate your own use to a degree.

I mean you can Tout your superiority for not using drugs all you want, in my experience, nothing makes one man or woman Superior to another, just Different Strokes for different folks I guess. But this is definitely not the conversation we're supposed to be having, original poster is relapsing and going through a crisis, and fighting with the his own ideologies and habbituations, I'm just presenting to you another mode of existence as it were.

And yeah, if abstaining from all substances is the way you have to go man, I highly recommend it. It really sucks that you got sold some garbage, but I have a motto that I live by; If you mess with drugs, be prepared to lose your time, your money, and your life. If substitution clearly isn't working, and relapse seems to be a common theme for you, I do suggest attempting again. And if you do have access to Medicinal substitutions from a doctor, I would suggest Maybe trying that route, as that is accepted as a method of recovery by Narcotics Anonymous, as long as it's under the medical supervision of a doctor.

 

[Iceman1216]

the worst part of addiction is end up religious

Really a Bad thing?? I am very spiritual, and I Do not follow the Religion of my up bringing ( 12 years , catholic school) but it did help with my Moral compass.
I just feel that over decades I have Never seem anyone be Worse off from getting help other than themselves for addiction, And been to many funerals and seen destroyed lives where people wish they where dead!!
just a thought with decades of experience. I cam in to meetings at the end of the line for me, So I did not give a Fuck what they asked me too do!!

 

[Working_Class]

Spirituality and religion are vastly different from one another. Make no mistake of confusing the two.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

How much for a xanaz bar on the streets in the us? Just curious

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

This doesn't mean you need to go full blown again

 

[Working_Class]

Xanex in canada has been 3 for 20$ ballpark.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sometimes a good old fashioned ripping off especially your first time back is a message either way keep your head up and stop being so hard on yourself just do better then you did yesterday. Also try l theanine and some of the nootropics.

Lol.... Just got ripped off. Got a fat bag of dope but the 8 Xanax are busparone. Dealer said he is coming back to give me my cash but we'll see. I really didn't even want the dope. I wanted the Xanax to help me sleep but I knew he wouldn't deliver just for Xanax.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, somni. The important thing is NOT to use the relapse as a club to beat yourself over the head with. Attacking yourself isn't going to help you. I know that after some sober time it's a natural impulse to want to dwell & obsess over you messing up and I know it's a cliche but honestly there's a lot of truth in relapse being a part of the process. Let's face it - either drugs will kill you, or you will get sober at some point in your life. If you do get sober, then every bender, every relapse, every mistake and every fuck-up will just have been a part of your learning curve as you got to grips with your addictive behavior before eventually getting a handle on it, and I'm sure that you can do it. You can't change the past. You relapsed - oh well, it happens, you know? We're drug addicts, relapsing is what we do. The important thing is to get back on track as quickly as possible. Use your regret as the fire under your ass to throw yourself back into sobriety, not as an excuse to continue using some more to escape the disappointment and misery that has accompanied your relapse.

Was using everything you thought it would be?? Or was it a little disappointing? Based on your posts I'd say it sounds like the latter. My advice would be to do anything you can to try and claw back a couple days of clean time, and then look at the factors that led to you relapsing. Was the craving triggered by anything? What's been happening in your life recently?? What were the thoughts leading up to it?? I am a firm believer that we can learn a lesson from every single relapse, even if it takes a little digging and analysis to get there, there is always a way to learn something and then turn the negative into a positive.

If you're doing NA and you believe in God and it's working for you, then awesome. If not remember there are alternatives. Similarly to Working_Class, I too couldn't make NA work for me, and certainly not for lack of trying - I was in and out "the rooms" for years and spent 6 months in rehab trying my very best to try and make the program work for me, but it just never did. I found SMART recovery to be vastly superior for me personally, and if you haven't tried it before maybe you could give that a shot once you have your head together?

The very fact that you are here writing about your lapse rather than out there ignoring us and doing it as much as you can tells me part of you still wants to stop, and that's encouraging. Please keep us updated! The situation in your neck of the woods makes it really dangerous to be addicted to H at the moment with the fentanyl going round, and you mixing it with benzos makes it doubly dangerous, so even if you keep using just let us know you're cool. You can get through this, somni!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

NA didnt do it for me, I never really got any better at all.

I now believe that for many people NA can actually hinder them massively in their attempts to get well, but that's a whole other thread.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Xanex in canada has been 3 for 20$ ballpark.

fucking expensive